Boyfriend won't answer phone to ex wife in my presence

[Isthisnormalorishelying]

Hi
Name changed.
I am in a short relationship (8 months) but we have been friends much longer. It isn't just 'dates'.
My boyfriend is 55 and has been divorced 3 years. His ex told me she had 2 affairs and now regrets it. They have a son and a daughter. He is open about the fact we have been dating. I see the ex regularly at a joint hobby and although she didn't really speak to me before she now makes an effort to talk to me all the time. This makes me a bit uneasy as I don't really see why.
He will not answer his phone if she calls and he is with me. Or he will turn his phone off.
He has a small circle I have been introduced to his friends colleagues and children. It is just with her, they have custody issues which are difficult and have argued a lot.
I just don't understand why he won't speak in front of me. He says it's not polite and would be pissed off if during our short times together I just spoke on the phone. I also get that we haven't been together long.
But with the ex seeming to be friendly with me I just wonder, if things aren't as they seem. My ex husband had a secret family for 15 years and I cannot simply be arsed with that shit and will not be humiliated.
Am thinking of ending it. Advice would be nice.

You are being unreasonable and will likely ruin your relationship if you dont get a grip.

He does not have to answer his phone in front of you. Stop trying to control him.

I think you’re getting a few harsh responses here! If you’ve been together for a while I would definitely explain your worries and insecurities to him do that he can help to reassure you.

Maybe he has his own boundaries with her and one is he won't answer her calls all the time (if she's doing it a lot) and doesn't want to give her the time when he is with you. She could easily text instead.
Don't get involved with their stuff. Sounds like he is trying to keep it separate. I don't think he should be going into detail about his divorce, you don't need to know it all

Some of your sentences are quite full on. Your past is understandably traumatic and these actions of your partner seem to be triggering the past trauma. What you would need to do is talk these issues through with a therapist/counsellor as it is effecting you deeply.

These issues will come up with whoever you had a relationship with.

If you are wary of her, be polite and civil and keep her at arms length but work on your own stuff on your own.

@Windmillwhirl

You are being unreasonable and will likely ruin your relationship if you dont get a grip.

He does not have to answer his phone in front of you. Stop trying to control him.

Im just trying to make sense of it because it sounded secretive to me. I am not trying to control him i would rather just leave.

I think you’re overreacting here.

i wouldn’t answer the phone either. I’d keep those conversations private to be honest.

You’re obviously not ready for a relationship op.

He said how do i think he feels as I asked to keep it quiet we were seeing each other. So it looks like i am secretive but im just trying to avoid humiliating myself

@Greeneyes78

You’re obviously not ready for a relationship op.

Maybe not but if not now i never will be and i do love him

I would avoid her like the plague and I would give him privacy for the phone calls with her. Generally distance yourself from their relationship. If he is going to get back with her your actions won't matter (it does not sound like he's going back though).

Yes you will be ready if you deal with your issues rather than seeking reassurance from him

Thank you

I think you need to have counselling or you will self sabotage. No judgement, but your perspective isn't what i'd call normal. That's obviously because of your previous relationships but your jealousy and suspicion is off the scale here over something very innocuous.

It all sounds very claustrophobic and intense to me.

You've only been together eight months but you've met his children, do your hobby with his ex and he's still going through custody battles on top of all that.

Eight months in, things should be easy. You should be having fun, getting to know each other and enjoying your time together - not worrying about ex-partners and custody battles and secretive phone calls.

You need to relax a bit. He sounds lovely and its ridiculous to still be keeping him a secret from family and friends. Even if it didn't work out with him these things happen and noones going to laugh at you. You seem overly obsessed with the thought of being humiliated. Youre hugely over thinking

Youre in a relationship with him he doesn't need to be a secret. Hes already brought up the fact you're being secretive so it sounds like it bothers him.

You say you love him and he's good to you. Sounds like he's just wgat you deserve. Take a leap of faith. Make your relationship public. If you don't it could be your fears and reluctance that end up destroying it

I feel for you op.

In that position myself I think I would have a very plain spoken, up front conversation on which I said that the combination of him refusing to speak to his ex in front of you and her being all over you like a rash at your mutual hobby makes you uncomfortable; that of there is anything remotely unfinished or totally platonic in their dynamic, that you do not want to be involved with him and this is his opportunity to be honest if that is not the case. That if it transpires he has not been honest he should know his feet won't touch the ground and there will be no quarter given.

If he says there's nothing and he's being totally honest, then take him at that and don't mention anything again. Put it out of your mind and go ahead and see how the relationship goes. You're not getting engaged, not getting married, not moving in, not deciding he's the love of your life; just seeing how the relationship goes.

I would also tell your family and friends you are seeing him - that's all. Just someone you're seeing. If it ends, it's no big deal. If he turns out to be a liar/immoral - that's zero reflection on you, it is only a reflection on him (and his ex) and he would be dropped like a hot coal.

*not totally platonic

This doesn't need to be s big dramatic emotional conversation btw - just a very simple, calm minimal conversation.

*That if it transpires he has not been honest he should know his feet won't touch the ground and there will be no quarter given.

Actually I wouldn't say that, it's probably ott.

I'd just say that unfinished, emotionally involved etc. relationships with an ex are not something you are looking for in a partner. Does he feel this is the case if he's being totally honest?

You can say you know you've voiced discomfort before but you'd like to draw a line under it.

Then do (draw a line under it).

You probably would benefit from some counselling about your ex (and maybe upbringing).

Bit the most important thing is that - if somebody cheats, lies, gets themselves infected with STDs and infects others with them, father's children while in multiple "relationships" they are the fool, not the person who didn't act like that (and who worked on the basis that it's not normal to act like that).

@vanillandhoney

It all sounds very claustrophobic and intense to me.

You've only been together eight months but you've met his children, do your hobby with his ex and he's still going through custody battles on top of all that.

Eight months in, things should be easy. You should be having fun, getting to know each other and enjoying your time together - not worrying about ex-partners and custody battles and secretive phone calls.

We met through the children and we always did the hobby

It sounds like he is being respectful to you by not answering her calls in front of you. He sounds like a nice person and maybe he just doesn’t want the drama when he’s spending time with you?

@vanillandhoney

It all sounds very claustrophobic and intense to me.

You've only been together eight months but you've met his children, do your hobby with his ex and he's still going through custody battles on top of all that.

Eight months in, things should be easy. You should be having fun, getting to know each other and enjoying your time together - not worrying about ex-partners and custody battles and secretive phone calls.

I very much enjoy our time together. It is only on the occasions he refused to answer the phone that it made me worry

Thank you Gillian thays really helpful
He describes himself as having emerged from a difficult divorce for both of them but particularly as broken financially but happy to be on his own.
She is not satisfied with the fact she must now get a job. She feels she must be owed a living. Seeing him with someone else has relly pissed her off.
She has already got some information from me through conversation and twisted it to him so he would dump me. We already spoke about it and he said he knew and is fine with it.
He seems very honest and I honestly dont feel i can trust my gut instincts.
Are other people totally fine with their partner's relationships with their ex?

And there is much drama from her. Always wanting a confrontation over something. She was away for a fortnight and got back the other day. It was blissful and since then it has started with all the phone calls again.

You are tarring every man with the same brush. Your partner is not your ex, yetbyoh are behaving as if he is.

I agree get into counselling. You can't be enjoying your relationship if you are paranoid all the time.