Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't answer phone to ex wife in my presence

146 replies

Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 12:26

Hi
Name changed.
I am in a short relationship (8 months) but we have been friends much longer. It isn't just 'dates'.
My boyfriend is 55 and has been divorced 3 years. His ex told me she had 2 affairs and now regrets it. They have a son and a daughter. He is open about the fact we have been dating. I see the ex regularly at a joint hobby and although she didn't really speak to me before she now makes an effort to talk to me all the time. This makes me a bit uneasy as I don't really see why.
He will not answer his phone if she calls and he is with me. Or he will turn his phone off.
He has a small circle I have been introduced to his friends colleagues and children. It is just with her, they have custody issues which are difficult and have argued a lot.
I just don't understand why he won't speak in front of me. He says it's not polite and would be pissed off if during our short times together I just spoke on the phone. I also get that we haven't been together long.
But with the ex seeming to be friendly with me I just wonder, if things aren't as they seem. My ex husband had a secret family for 15 years and I cannot simply be arsed with that shit and will not be humiliated.
Am thinking of ending it. Advice would be nice.

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 07/09/2020 17:25

The other day he came round and looked at his watch and I was so convinced he didnt want to be there that I told him to leave and go to work. I can't bear he would be near me and not want to be because of how embarrassing it would be

Wow you got all that from him glancing at his watch? Your fears are going to be a self fulfiling prophecy because your irrational and ridiculous behaviour is going to drive the poor guy away

Julie879 · 07/09/2020 17:28

@Isthisnormalorishelying

Nobody's saying you kicked off but don't you see that your internal response to him looking at his watch is extremely damaging. To take that one step further and say for him to go to work because of it ... It's damaging and I really think you would benefit from counselling. It's no way to live. For either of you.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 17:34

Yes i think you are all right im not ready for this. I really would be fine on my own. At least i know where i am. I think the less you have to do with anybody the better really.
Havent i been stupid i have made myself look stupid to the people who saw Sad

OP posts:
morefun · 07/09/2020 17:36

I understand your feelings to a degree. Not about talking to the ex in front of you, but about feeling humiliated by small things. I don't even have a past of being cheated on. But I get it. I can't bear the thought of feeling embarrassed by some twat going off with another woman!

Perhaps you could have some counselling to come to terms with the men in your life and their behaviour? It doesn't sound to me that you partner is doing anything particularly bad and it would be a shame for the past to ruin something that could be good for you.

netflixismysidehustle · 07/09/2020 17:51

There's lots of good reasons why he might not want to answer the call

  • he doesn't want you to see him get angry and be put off him
  • he wants to stop being at her beck and call. He'll talk when it's convenient and not spoil his time with you
  • she calls about bollocks. He might hope she'll text what she wants instead
  • have you heard of Grey Rock technique? It's a way of dealing with abusive people that you can't just cut out of your life eg co-parent
Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 17:53

Yes thats true
To be honest i thought you would all say LTB

OP posts:
netflixismysidehustle · 07/09/2020 17:55

Oh no I've read your updates Sad

You've been treated horribly and need to work on your understandable paranoia ThanksThanks

ClementineWoolysocks · 07/09/2020 18:09

@Isthisnormalorishelying

Yes thats true To be honest i thought you would all say LTB
He's not a bastard though is he, he's literally doing nothing wrong. I agree you need to sort yourself out, feeling stupid and humiliated ahead of something even happening is no way to live.
SoulofanAggron · 07/09/2020 18:38

I don't think this means you're not ready for a relationship OP. In your shoes, I would assume he was being shifty, too.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 07/09/2020 18:54

@Isthisnormalorishelying

Yes i think you are all right im not ready for this. I really would be fine on my own. At least i know where i am. I think the less you have to do with anybody the better really. Havent i been stupid i have made myself look stupid to the people who saw Sad
What do you mean you’ve made yourself look stupid to the people who saw you out?

Please seek some help OP, this is no way to live- if you don’t want a relationship that’s fine, but torturing yourself is awful and unnecessary. You’re ex was a terrible excuse for a human being, but that’s on him not you.

incognitomum · 07/09/2020 18:54

Sorry what people and what did they see?

Have a talk with him and be open as you can. He deserves an explanation.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Ex is bad. He's disgusting. You were under his spell. But you aren't now. Just damaged but you'll heal.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 18:56

People saw me being happy with him. I thought i was happy before. So maybe they think im a fool.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 07/09/2020 18:59

Why are you so bothered about other people's opinions?

You'd be surprised how uninterested most people are. They're too busy worrying about their own shit.

You're obsessing and making things bigger than they are. Because of traumatic events.

popsydoodle4444 · 07/09/2020 19:02

Maybe not answering her calls and switching off his phone whilst he's with you is about respecting the boundaries of your relationship and not letting other people intrude on the time you spend together?

With my DH we've had to work on his/our boundaries with his phone such as not answering the phone if he's not on duty and someone else is duty manager as everyone (work wise) tends to approach DH first instead of calling the other two managers and is phone use to go off constantly until people started to realise he won't answer it if he's not DM on that day or not answering his mobile to his mates if we're spending quality time together as a family/couple (same for me workwise/friendwise).We take calls from family members only in case they need something but that's it.

And as for his ex being friendly with you;that's a positive thing especially for the kids too.

Your partner isn't your ex.I can only imagine how utterly traumatic what you went through has been;have you seen a counsellor?

Redglitter · 07/09/2020 19:03

@Isthisnormalorishelying

People saw me being happy with him. I thought i was happy before. So maybe they think im a fool.
Ffs stop over thinking everything

Yes you've been hurt. We've all been hurt at some point but we learn from it and move on.

I'd guarantee NOONE thought you were a fool. Far from it they were probably delighted to see you with someone new

MitziK · 07/09/2020 19:04

I go into another room whenever any calls come through.

I don't want somebody else there in my line of sight, as it's distracting, whoever it is.

DP does much the same.

incognitomum · 07/09/2020 19:05

Redglitter ever thought of counselling as a vocation?? Grin

Redglitter · 07/09/2020 19:08

@incognitomum

Redglitter ever thought of counselling as a vocation?? Grin
😂😂😂

What do you think ive missed my true vocation - damn Blush

YgritteSnow · 07/09/2020 19:18

There's is nothing that could make me answer the phone to my ex H in front of a new man I liked. My ex is very, very difficult and I would hate someone else to overhear some of the stuff he comes out with. I'd find it quite odd if a new found this a problem and probably wouldn't continue the relationship.

YgritteSnow · 07/09/2020 19:19

Found = boyfriend

VivaMiltonKeynes · 07/09/2020 19:28

You have two options here 1. you either close up shop once and for all or 2. you give this guy a chance . My now H would not talk to his ex in front of me unless eg it came through on the car phone . He was being respectful PLUS his ex is one of these women who will use any chance to contact him and this after 3 years if divorce. He e mails her about kids and tries to avoid messaging as she gets drunk and texts abuse. She also occasionally calls drunk. I would be suspicious of the ex trying to be friendly with you . Be careful about what you say . I still have not met my H's ex and have no wish to .

eatsleepread · 07/09/2020 19:36

I don't think you are over your past experiences Thanks

Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 19:53

Lol. I think your direct style is quite good

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 19:57

This is all good advice thank you
I thought I was over it all. But am clearly not.
I think knowing the ex is awkward. Our children all attend the same school.
She is a playground gossip also.
But him in himself seems really kind and honest. I feel he is the best friend i ever had and love to be with him. He makes everything better and despite what ive written here i am the best version of me-i dress better am striving for more and know he will support anything I do.
I think i heard too much about his divorce
It may be easier if I didnt know his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisnormalorishelying · 07/09/2020 20:00

And actually i dont really have anyone i am close to so what they think isnt important. Logically i know that. I do feel persecuted by people previously in life and that makes me paranoid.

OP posts: