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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I could punch you.

419 replies

FunorFitness · 07/09/2020 07:33

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 14/09/2020 09:18

Keep your email telling him to not contact you. He'll ramp it up now, may suddenly turn up somewhere you are or appear at your door. Don't hesitate to call the police if he refuses to leave. You know how aggressive he can be.

FelicityPike · 14/09/2020 09:18

What an arsehole emailing your work email knowing full well you’d see it. Dick.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 09:20

Please block him on your work email, too. He's abusive; doesn't accept your boundaries - that the relationship is over and there is no 'team' with him. It's all about what he wants.

TooTrueToBeGood · 14/09/2020 09:23

@FunorFitness

Well I heard nothing over the weekend which was a relief. Then came into work this morning to an email.

A while week has past without seeing you or hearing your voice. I miss you so bad.

So I replied saying he is a nasty aggressive man and I am better without him. Please leave me alone.

To which he said "you are not better without me, we are a team"

so I just said this is my work email. Don't use it again.

That is clear isn't it. I am adding him to junk/spam senders now.

I feel a bit sick, I was doing so well and he has put me on the back foot.

Don't let that put you on the back foot. See it as yet more evidence that he does not respect you as a person and has no concept of your right to have your own opinion. Who the hell does he think he is to just dismiss your opinions out of hand? You are not a team, you were never a team and he is incapable of being a team player with you. Get angry for a fleeting second and then forget the worthless, controlling piece of shit. If he continues to pester you then you might need to consider going legal on his pathetic ass but for now just ignore and forget. Do not respond or get drawn into discussions with him. You will not change him and you will not get him to see the light. The only closure you can ever get from someone like him is to totally remove him from your thoughts.
TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 09:23

Oh my god. You are not allowed to exit the relationship according to him! What an absolute entitled controlling fucker. Mind you, you had come to realise that yourself.

I do not understand your comment about being on the back foot. I don't see that at all.

He is an aggressive controlling man who has wanted to own you for years. You blocked most access. He used the access route you expected. You shut him down fast and firm. That's not a back foot situation at all.

Be ready to involve the police at some point. I know it probably sounds crazy right now but that last message from him was a red flag for stalker type behaviour. Don't read his emails but do store them just in case you need to get the police to have a word later.

Joistlooking · 14/09/2020 09:37

Well done OP. Stay strong Flowers

Beamur · 14/09/2020 09:38

Keep going!
You knew he would do this, but it must be unsettling nonetheless. It's following the usual pattern.

BabyLlamaZen · 14/09/2020 09:39

Wow he's horrible. And the fact you even tried to "let him educate you" and feel the need to be submissive!

Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 10:38

I don't know why I was surprised this morning, I knew he would be in touch sooner or later, I just wasn't thinking about him at all so it was a little shock.

I will keep the emails asking him not to contact me. I have had to get a non molestation order before (not on him) so I know i will need to prove I have been clear should it come down to it. I hope it doesn't but no harm saving the email.

He is added to the junk senders list now so the firewall can filter him out.

I haven't been tempted at all to unblock him or contact him or try to see what he is up to. I feel much more content when he isn't in my life.

OP posts:
Ging7878 · 14/09/2020 10:39

He sounds like such a vile abusive man. Who the f##k does he think he is! "We're a team"?! A team mate doesn't verbally abuse you, put you down cos he is jealous at how well you have done with your weight loss/fitness, insult the size of your breasts & block/unblock you to cause you emotional ditress let alone an actual partner! I'm raging for you! Stay strong and don't let this rat back into your life.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 11:43

Not even an apology from him. That tells you all you need to know OP. Stay strong, you're doing great

Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 12:07

The lack of apology hadn't even occurred to me but of course you are right.

He never apologises for anything, we just brush it under the carpet.

I feel stronger knowing that pretty much everyone agrees I am not over reacting. I usually start wondering if what he did or said is as bad as I thought and that's when I back down. But recently I have known it's actually not me. Having so much back up just reinforces that it's really not me.

OP posts:
Ernieshere · 14/09/2020 12:16

To which he said "you are not better without me, we are a team"

Wow, thats quite a statement. All I can hear from him is -

you are not you are not you are not

He doesn't seem to like you having an opinion Sad

TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 12:21

There were many aspects of his email to work that would strengthen my spine against him.

It was all about how he felt. He is sad. Um, yeah, so, why is that a call to action for you?

Not a word about your feelings, wants or needs.

Not a word of apology. Not even recognition that he did something to piss you off.

Directly stating that your choices are not allowed

A clear statement that you do not have agency, he owns you, you do not have the right to choose to leave the "team".

He used your work email because he knew you had blocked him elsewhere, i.e. your very very clear boundary was seen as a hurdle not a wall to him. He wants to message you so he does it. No does not mean no to him.

The whole thing today would have my eyebrows raised to my hairline and me thinking "and that is why you are dumped my loony tunes ex"

Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 12:32

@TorkTorkBam

There were many aspects of his email to work that would strengthen my spine against him.

It was all about how he felt. He is sad. Um, yeah, so, why is that a call to action for you?

Not a word about your feelings, wants or needs.

Not a word of apology. Not even recognition that he did something to piss you off.

Directly stating that your choices are not allowed

A clear statement that you do not have agency, he owns you, you do not have the right to choose to leave the "team".

He used your work email because he knew you had blocked him elsewhere, i.e. your very very clear boundary was seen as a hurdle not a wall to him. He wants to message you so he does it. No does not mean no to him.

The whole thing today would have my eyebrows raised to my hairline and me thinking "and that is why you are dumped my loony tunes ex"

Every single post you have made on this thread has made absolute sense. Thank you for being so wise and clear headed.
OP posts:
sensitiveme · 14/09/2020 15:21

Well done for managing so well with the email today FunorFitness!
It's a horrible sicky feeling when they suddenly get in touch, even if you were expecting it.

Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 15:23

I just saw him, from my car.

His favourite pub is in between my home and the school so I drive past it every day which of course he knows.

He just happened to be in the beer garden which is alongside the road, sitting alone, looking at the road. Now him being there isn't unusual but that's not the table he would usually sit at. He and his friends are regulars there and have particular tables both inside and in the beer garden.

I just carried on driving but the car in front of me was turning into the pub so I had to wait a few seconds. I just stared ahead. That sick feeling is back though.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 15:28

Sick feeling? Oh no! That is all wrong. You were supposed to realise the error of your ways, drool at the thought of him, run over and shag him on the table! Or, more likely, see his sad face and get back with him because his feelings matter and yours don't.

What a sad cock.

MillyMollyFarmer · 14/09/2020 15:29

The sick feeling will pass. Stick to your guns. You got this.

RandomMess · 14/09/2020 15:32

How pathetic and desperate he is to do that!!!

Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 15:37

Oh yes I was definitely supposed to see him and remember how much I love him and then relent because love conquers all and we are soulmates.

I'm not backing down this time. Going to get changed and take the dog for a good old run across the fields then cook a nice Italian Ragu for dinner for my friend. Having her here is doing me good and not giving me chance to dwell.

OP posts:
Persipan · 14/09/2020 15:41

OP, I have to confess I haven't RTWT so apologies if this had already been suggested, but I'd really recommend you look into whether any local domestic abuse services offer a pattern changing course. They can be invaluable in helping to recognise and avoid abusive partners, so it might be a great foundation for the future, when you're ready to think about a new relationship.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 15:42

@FunorFitness

I just saw him, from my car.

His favourite pub is in between my home and the school so I drive past it every day which of course he knows.

He just happened to be in the beer garden which is alongside the road, sitting alone, looking at the road. Now him being there isn't unusual but that's not the table he would usually sit at. He and his friends are regulars there and have particular tables both inside and in the beer garden.

I just carried on driving but the car in front of me was turning into the pub so I had to wait a few seconds. I just stared ahead. That sick feeling is back though.

So don't drive by there again. Just DON'T.
Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 15:42

I am definitely going to do that, I think the freedom program. I have read the books but I think I need to re read them.

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 15:50

@FunorFitness

I am definitely going to do that, I think the freedom program. I have read the books but I think I need to re read them.
Please do NOT date until you've done some major work, no matter how tempting or 'nice' or persistent they are.
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