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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I could punch you.

419 replies

FunorFitness · 07/09/2020 07:33

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 15:50

It will be quite a pain going another route home from school that's the most direct route but I can go right round on the expressway.

I wasn't expecting to see him as I thought he would be in work. I already changed the route I usually take to bootcamp to avoid driving by there as he is usually in there at that time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/09/2020 15:52

You need to borrow a bloke... you know just to drive by a few times... 😂

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 15:52

@FunorFitness

It will be quite a pain going another route home from school that's the most direct route but I can go right round on the expressway.

I wasn't expecting to see him as I thought he would be in work. I already changed the route I usually take to bootcamp to avoid driving by there as he is usually in there at that time.

Good! Keep doing this. He has zero regard for your boundaries, at all.
TooTrueToBeGood · 14/09/2020 15:53

@RandomMess

You need to borrow a bloke... you know just to drive by a few times... 😂
One with a shovel possibly :)
TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 16:27

I say change nothing. Call it desensitisation training. The first couple of time seeing him will give you the shakes. Then it won't. Don't let him control any aspect of your life.

Homebird8 · 14/09/2020 20:08

I wasn't expecting to see him as I thought he would be in work

And if he should have been at work then he can’t keep that up just to look hangdog outside a pub every day. Keep driving past and think of him as a litter bin. Just a piece of street furniture full of rubbish.

billy1966 · 14/09/2020 20:41

Well done OP,

You have got rid of a nasty piece of work.

Such an aggressive thing to say to someone and really tells you where his mind is.

Stay strong.
He was never going to be part of a happy future.

Flowers
JollyHolly30 · 14/09/2020 22:11

You sound so strong! I wish I was as committed to getting over a man I shouldn't love anymore, but sadly still do. I'll keep an eye on your thread in the hope that it inspires me to be as determined!

Original poster
FunorFitness · 14/09/2020 22:36

@JollyHolly30

You sound so strong! I wish I was as committed to getting over a man I shouldn't love anymore, but sadly still do. I'll keep an eye on your thread in the hope that it inspires me to be as determined!
Trust me it has taken a lot for me to get to this point. So many more things he has done that I haven't mentioned on the thread and the being committed to moving on has happened gradually, I have cared a bit less each time he has broken up with me or blocked me until I have reached the point of knowing that nothing I can do will make this a happy relationship.

I hope you get to this point soon, you admit you shouldn't love him that's a huge first step.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunorFitness · 15/09/2020 09:03

Well I had another morning surprise. An email to both my personal and work email (the same email just sent to both) so he must have set up a new account. I am not going to respond. Its just a can of worms to open if I do. Its the kind of thing that would usually draw me and it has unsettled me but I know that no response at all is the only way to put a stop to it.

I know some of you will easily see through the words though, you are all so good at seeing what his words/actions actually mean.

Still no apology though, no mention at all in fact of the original argument.

If this is the end for us, I just want to let you no that you are my world I won the lottery and more when I got with you. It blew my mind knowing you were mine, how can a fat lad losing his head get someone so beautiful. You were more than just looks tho you were the complete package. I no we wasn’t perfect and we were off more than we were on but I loved you with all my heart and I no you loved me the same. Whatever the future brings I hope you find your happiness.

I will always love you forever beautiful xxxxx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2020 09:12

🤮

He can't even spell "know" correctly (sorry!!)

Classic hoovering...

RandomMess · 15/09/2020 09:13

I wouldn't block keep it as evidence for that injunction...

Original poster
FunorFitness · 15/09/2020 09:15

What is hoovering? I don't think I have come across that one before.

OP posts:
WinterAndRoughWeather · 15/09/2020 09:18

Ugh, that email wouldn’t be the nail in the coffin, it would be the match with which I set the coffin on fire before catapulting it into the sea.

RandomMess · 15/09/2020 09:18

Trying to suck you back in, a tactic abusers use.

Original poster
FunorFitness · 15/09/2020 09:19

@WinterAndRoughWeather

Ugh, that email wouldn’t be the nail in the coffin, it would be the match with which I set the coffin on fire before catapulting it into the sea.
That actually made me laugh!
OP posts:
Original poster
FunorFitness · 15/09/2020 09:21

Ah yes Hoovering sucking back in that makes sense. Thanks for the link, I will have a read.

There is something in our area called The Women's Centre, I sent them an enquiry yesterday to see if they offer The Freedom program or anything similar.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 09:27

In the email he writes about his feelings, your body, ownership of you.

He does mention your feelings this time but only in the sense of him knowing you want him and even that is a secondary clause to him wanting you.

Does not even mention that you told him not to email work and blocked personal. Apparently that is irrelevant noise.

He starts with "if". How fucking rude. There is no if. You have been 100% clear on that. It is over. FFS he is having to create new email accounts and lie in wait on the roadside! But nooo, to him you don't get to decide.

OhCaptain · 15/09/2020 09:38

That email is so gross it would have the opposite effect on me. It would just make me mortified for him!

Delete them both and add the new email to your junk folder.

You’re doing great! He will 100% escalate because you’re not playing ball. You’re supposed to swoon and get misty eyed and apologise for driving him mad.

You’re not supposed to actually give a shit about yourself so much so that you’ll walk away from him.

Keep going!! Flowers

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 15/09/2020 09:50

Send him a link to an adult literacy course. Just before you block him

Original poster
FunorFitness · 15/09/2020 09:57

@TorkTorkBam Your translation makes so much sense, I don't know what you do for a job but I honestly think you should do this professionally. You see the actual message and meaning behind what he says.

It is bugging me that he isn't even addressing what got us to this point, just how my action of calling it a day is affecting him. I would usually feel guilty for making him feel bad and that I should give him some leeway because he adores me and has for a long time and so I just go along with it, sweep the problem under the carpet. I am a fixer so if someone has an issue I can fix then I usually jump right in, to my own detriment. Not this time.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/09/2020 09:58

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Hell yes!

NearlyGranny · 15/09/2020 10:12

Interesting, having RTFT, the 'picked the wrong sister' taunt. Trying to play divide and conquer? So entitled he thinks you're lining up to be his pick? Imagining two sisters fighting over him?

Yet you said your sister wouldn't go out with him anyway, knowing his feelings for you, so he never had a choice, did he?

Rewriting history and Tring to make you doubt yourself, I reckon.

Anyone who deliberately towers over you and frightens you by body language or words has actually broken the law and assaulted you, you know. There doesn't have to be actual physical contact for it to be assault.

It doesn't seem trivial at all - you haven't dumped him because of a silly argument, you've dumped him because he was verbally abusive and physically threatening and that's serious. Now he's harassing you by email at work and from a new account. If he carries on, there are laws against that, too. Keep the messages as evidence, but don't respond any more, not even to ask/tell him to stop, because even that negative response encourages him to persist.

Good luck, stay strong and inaccessible, re-read Lundy Bancroft to remind yourself what he's up to! 👍

Original poster
FunorFitness · 15/09/2020 10:19

He has tried to make me doubt myself a lot - he says its because he is scared I will leave him for someone better. He need to work on his own insecurities though, they are not mu fault.

I didn't bother responding. I would rather he thinks I didn't get them.

OP posts:
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