I wish I could punch you.

[FunorFitness]

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

You will start seeing all of this yourself instantly soon. It just takes a little shift of angle.

One issue might be your euphemisms for yourself. You are a fixer. Nice positive thing. It isn't a positive when what you want to "fix" is other people's entirely appropriate emotional responses. Being dumped for being a dick SHOULD make him feel sad, that's normal and healthy. I suspect what you are actually trying to fix is your own discomfort at seeing other people's emotions.

I actually work with startup companies/products. Seeing reality not fantasy is massively important. There are critical thinking techniques like the 5 Whys that are extremely helpful in all areas of life when you get the practice.

The practice also helps you properly internalise that The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off so you will pursue the truth even though it will piss you off.

When someone says I am worried you will leave me for someone better that's a good cue to start wondering if you are indeed selling yourself short.

That is exactly it. It makes me uncomfortable to see people struggling and I want to help them. You see everything so clearly.

I will have a read up on critical thinking too. I have lots of reading to do which will keep me busy and focused when my friend leaves tomorrow.

So he's abusive, fat, puts his feelings first, considers you an object and can't write for toffee? What a catch. I'd not give him the time of day.

He has tried to make me doubt myself a lot - he says its because he is scared I will leave him for someone better.

Because he's abusive. They're not insecurities, they're his drive to control women through emotional abuse. Tactics include things like love bombing, future faking, instilling self-doubt in a woman, destroying her confidence and trust in herself.

I can almost guarantee that when he realises his sweet talk hasn’t worked, he will turn nasty! Be prepared. As you have past experience of this you’ll know to keep copies of all communication. Once that doesn’t work, he moved on to the next victim who will become the love of his life, his soulmate, only one he’s ever loved blah blah blah. Most abusers follow the same pattern and are pretty much textbook! Keep blocking and ignoring. Well done for staying strong. Keep your resolve! Pop back here if you feel yourself wobbling in a moment of weakness, we’ll all hold your hand.

I’ve seen a few of these threads recently where OP’s have been strong and resolute and LTB, it’s really inspiring.

Fucking hell, that email made me cringe. Are you supposed to swoon over that shit?

Bring it back to yourself. Ultimately everything can be brought back to a selfish impulse. It is useful to know what your own are.

It makes me uncomfortable to see people struggling and I want to help them stop feeling uncomfortable

One way is to take the spoiled child approach and give them the sweeties they are tantrumming for, which temporarily relieves your discomfort.

Another way is to recognise that it is OK to allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Yes it feels crap to watch your toddler crying until they are sick because you won't buy Haribo ten minutes before dinner and they are starving, but you would choose to live with your discomfort.

Obviously you are not dealing with a child but you get the idea. Being willing to be uncomfortable to get ahead is a big deal in life. No pain no gain.

You say he adores you, but he doesn't - he just says he does. If someone adores you, they treat you with respect. That email was just empty words. Anyone can say anything, it's what they do that matters. What he does is control and bully you, for his own gratification, because he doesn't know how to properly love someone and treat them as his equal.

He is a pathetic man, truly pathetic.

Very soon, you will see him as truly pathetic and disgusting, and when that happens it'll be like a switch has flicked and you will never, ever be tempted to go back. You'll be free.

I am fully expecting the nasty part. I would usually have had that by now so he is being slow this time around. I am a slag, worthless, I should be better in bed considering what a slut I am. That's his usual tactic. It doesn't even upset me anymore.

Apparently I should know he doesn't mean those things because he tells me every day how beautiful I am and how much he wants to marry me and have a baby.

@TorkTorkBam that is actually really helpful and I had never looked at it like that. You really are right though. He is the toddler and I am the sweets.

With him fully blocked you won't be aware of him using the choke chain to bring you to heel. Result.

If that nastiness does get through you already know about getting in touch with the police. At that stage they might be willing to go round and have a quiet word.

I never forget the analogy a friend of mine gave me about an ex (a very nasty one). He said it was like standing on the head of a snake watching it thrash around. It made such sense. He was just trying to get free so he could do what he wanted. Which was going back to attacking me.

That's what this is - power and control. Not love but 'how dare you'. Entitlement. Doing whatever it takes to get you and the situation back under control. It's not you he can't live without - you arent even a person here. It's the loss of control over you, and therefore the loss of control in his own life. Once you see that, and I mean really see that, you can't un-see it. At that point you are free because you know literally everything they do is about that. And they aren't someone you can rescue any more.

And let's face it if he really wanted help, and to change he would have by now, wouldn't he?

Apparently I should know he doesn't mean those things because he tells me every day how beautiful I am and how much he wants to marry me and have a baby.

It's all just words, but you're supposed to believe that one set of words is the truth, and the other set isn't. How does that work?

It's so lame how he uses marriage and babies to try to hold on to you. It's like he thinks, "women want that stuff right? So all I have to do is tell her I'll give it to her". Like he's some generous benefactor and marriage and babies would be a gift to you, rather than a mutually agreed progression of a relationship.

It's tick box nonsense based on his complete inability to see women as fully human. You're a collection of cliches in a flesh bag to him. "She's upset, I'll tell her I want to marry her and bring her flowers, because that's what women want and they are simple, controllable beings. Not like me, a complex, special penis-haver."

*you have been in and out of that relationship more than you have ever been in the gym"

That's hilarious! Great that other people can see through him too.

You sound so strong and fabulous, OP, and you have inspired me to think seriously about the possibility of one day doing some exercise.

I agree with everything that everyone is saying and it is helping me to see clearly.

It is me though that doesn't want marriage and babies. I have 3 children and now they are older I have my freedom and independence back a bit. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage for all the tea in china! He has no kids.

@FetchezLaVache I swear by exercise, it has literally changed my life this year. I feel more like me, a person in my own right. Those endorphins are fantastic.

A slag, eh? So he's a total misogynist. Full house.

It is me though that doesn't want marriage and babies.

Which is further proof that he never, ever thinks about what you want in a relationship. It's all about him, even when he's saying it's about you. He doesn't care one bit about you.

He wants marriage and babies to trap you...

@RandomMess

He wants marriage and babies to trap you...

That's what I thought. I wouldn't have any more children anyway but especially not in such an unstable relationship. It would mean being tied to him forever more!

@WinterAndRoughWeather

It is me though that doesn't want marriage and babies.

Which is further proof that he never, ever thinks about what you want in a relationship. It's all about him, even when he's saying it's about you. He doesn't care one bit about you.

I had never looked at it from that angle before. Interesting point.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I never forget the analogy a friend of mine gave me about an ex (a very nasty one). He said it was like standing on the head of a snake watching it thrash around. It made such sense. He was just trying to get free so he could do what he wanted. Which was going back to attacking me.
Wow that's a very powerful, scary picture. One I'll remember. 🌹

@FunorFitness

You may already have mentioned, in which case, my apologies.

Do you have CCTV/Ring doorbell etc at your home? Is he likely to turn up on your doorstep - especially given he was in a pub so close to your home? 🌹

I would usually have had that by now so he is being slow this time around. I am a slag, worthless, I should be better in bed considering what a slut I am. That's his usual tactic. It doesn't even upset me anymore.

Wow what a winning personality he has

Stay strong OP - this time you're out and staying out

He's a very ugly man OP.
Great advice above.

He loves you so much he wants to hurt you🙄...says everything really.

If this is the end for us,

It IS the end as I told you already dumbfuck!

I just want to let you no that you are my world I won the lottery and more when I got with you.

Yeah you did but like most lottery winners you've pissed it all away.

It blew my mind knowing you were mine, how can a fat lad losing his head get someone so beautiful. You were more than just looks tho you were the complete package.

Yeah you never know what you've got till it's gone.

I no we wasn’t perfect and we were off more than we were on

Yeah 'cos you were an arsehole. Difference is this time OFF is permanent.

but I loved you with all my heart

If that's what you call love, you must have a heart defect then - I'd get that investigated...

I no you loved me the same.

Not any more you assclown.

Whatever the future brings I hope you find your happiness.

Aw gee that's bighearted if you - you respecting my wishes for no contact would set me on the road to happiness for sure

I will always love you forever beautiful xxxx

Yeah whatever - just do it from a very long way away

I am a slag, worthless, I should be better in bed considering what a slut I am. That's his usual tactic. It doesn't even upset me anymore.

Should have thrown him out the second any one of those words left his fat mouth. That you didn't shows your boundaries are dangerously low and this is the first step towards raising them and not becoming involved in another abusive relationship.