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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving husband over something that happened years ago

138 replies

Lemonsand · 06/09/2020 12:54

I feel like I need to leave my husband. I love him to death but a few things he has done over the years eat away at me. Worst incident was when he smashed my sons bed up while he was sat in it. He was only 6 years old at the time and i was a work. Apparently my son was naughty and my husband lost his temper. This was 4 years ago but i still sit sometimes and imagine how terrified he must have been. Hes also punched a hole in my wall. We also have issues with control. If i go out to my frienda house i always come back to a bad atmosphere. I also recently found out he had been texting a woman from work about our marriage issues though they have both said nothing happened. I told him i was leaving a few days ago and all he has done is cry and i feel awful. 99% of the time he is lovely but I cant seem to get last what hes done in the past. Not actually sure what i am posting for. Im just so confused. I have been with him since i was 16 and am now 28 so its a big scary step to take.

OP posts:

nosswith · 06/09/2020 12:56

It seems as if you want to make a decision based on now, not the past.

YouJustDoYou · 06/09/2020 12:57

What's he like now?

Original poster

Lemonsand · 06/09/2020 13:01

Hes honestly lovely most of time. He works hard and everyone says he puts me on a pedestal. He would spend every minute of the day with me if i could which i have tried to explain to him can be suffocating. Im very social whereas he isnt. I just dont know how to forgive him for the incidents in the past. The most recent one was 2 years ago when he punched and kicked our dog infront of my son who was devasted.

OP posts:

RandomUser3049 · 06/09/2020 13:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

freeingNora · 06/09/2020 13:04

The violence is unacceptable leave its for your own safety and your sons you are all at risk please tell other people what's happening you've already told him this is the most dangerous time for literally contact womens Aid for support

Heptember · 06/09/2020 13:05

Smashing up your sons bed and kicking and punching your dog is despicable.

It sounds like you're in a stronger, better place to deal with the fall out now, and you are more than entitled to leave without any guilt whatsoever.

Hoppinggreen · 06/09/2020 13:05

Anyone who had done those things would be gone at the time as far as I was concerned
However, it sounds like it’s taken you until now to feel ready to leave/ask him to go and you really should. Your son shouldn’t have to deal with seeing what he has seen
Will you be safe?

Bettysprocker · 06/09/2020 13:05

He punched and kicked your dog? Game over for me.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 06/09/2020 13:06

There is absolutely no question but that you should leave. He is abusive. It may not happen all the time but you are all living with the knowledge that he could lose it and physically harm one of you at any time. Well done in finding your strength. Be sure to follow through. If you ever start feeling guilty or doubtful just focus in on how your son must have felt sitting in his smashed up bed that day. Pure fear and the realisation that he is unsafe in his own home. Good luck.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 06/09/2020 13:06

It sounds like your issues are very much current. I would put your son first, personally, and leave this horrible man.

Bence69 · 06/09/2020 13:06

He is not lovely! He sounds like an arsehole sorry if that’s harsh but he does. Nobody owns anybody and that’s just what he is doing to you with all the atmosphere bullshit when you come home from going out with friends.

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 13:08

please listen to your instincts. You are absolutely right to leave. Anyone who abuses an animal (let alone in front of their child) is a bad person, doesn't matter that it's OK 99% of the time. He sounds like a very cruel man and you must leave.

Gwynfluff · 06/09/2020 13:08

Read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do that?

He’s abusive and will do it to you, your son, your pets. Make sure you are safe and can safely leave.

Is he quite a bit older than you?

Coffeecak3 · 06/09/2020 13:08

He's not lovely!
Good God he punched and kicked the dog and you're still there. I would have called the RSPCA.
You're living with a nasty, abusive shit.
Leave

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 13:09

I think you need to put your son first. It is not OK for him to grow up in this kind of environment where he's seen his dad do such horrible things. Do you want your son to turn out the same? You're shoring up so much trouble for yourself and your son in the future.

Original poster

Lemonsand · 06/09/2020 13:10

Yes we will be safe. I know I should have left at the time. Its only recently that i have realised i can cope without him. I passed my driving test at the beginning of the year, which i thought i would never do and i think i have had a sort of light bulb moment. I have never been on my own. I went from living my mum to meeting him. Pregnant at 17 and married at 19. Its taken a long time for me to realise i am more than capable of living without him.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 06/09/2020 13:10

He keeps you in line with the aggressive outbursts and smashing things. I bet you walk on eggshells around him.

Yeahnahmum · 06/09/2020 13:11

Op. You are not leaving him because of what happened years ago.

You are leaving because of what is happening right now! The incident with your poor son is just the icing in the cake and a remember of why this is the best decision that you have made . A decision that will lead to your happiness.

Not at first op. But it will in time. When you have seperated for a while and you can truly see him for what he is and for how he makes you feel.

Gustavo1 · 06/09/2020 13:11

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I feel like, if you’re honest, these are the things that stand out as the worst but not the only things he’s done. There is quite probably low level abuse, violence and you and your boy are probably walking on eggshells most of the time to appease and to avoid the moments you have highlighted.

You can leave any time for any reason. You font have to wait until you no longer have a choice.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2020 13:12

He punched and kicked your dog? Seriously how can you still be there? How could you be with someone who indulges in animal cruelty? And that’s before the other cunty issues.

Get out and don’t look back.

Unseeliequeen · 06/09/2020 13:12

Your kids need you to put them first and remove them from an environment where dad smashes beds, dogs and walls.

Unseeliequeen · 06/09/2020 13:14

Please leave. Stop making excuses. You and your son deserve so much better. Good luck.

candycane222 · 06/09/2020 13:14

Great decision - do it! But do make sure you tell others what is happening and maybe get someone to be with you as back-up.

Divebar · 06/09/2020 13:14

Just so you know abuse of animals is one of the indicators that the police and social workers use when concerned about abuse of a child. How many violent incidences has your child witnessed or been subjected to?

Original poster

Lemonsand · 06/09/2020 13:16

The trouble is he is so lovely most of the time. I dont walk on eggshells. If anything i am the loud opinionated one and he is more quiet and laid back. But i realised recently that i hadnt been to my friends for over a month. I think subconciously i just couldnt be bothered with the atmopshere when i get back.

OP posts:

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