Leaving husband over something that happened years ago

[Lemonsand]

I feel like I need to leave my husband. I love him to death but a few things he has done over the years eat away at me. Worst incident was when he smashed my sons bed up while he was sat in it. He was only 6 years old at the time and i was a work. Apparently my son was naughty and my husband lost his temper. This was 4 years ago but i still sit sometimes and imagine how terrified he must have been. Hes also punched a hole in my wall. We also have issues with control. If i go out to my frienda house i always come back to a bad atmosphere. I also recently found out he had been texting a woman from work about our marriage issues though they have both said nothing happened. I told him i was leaving a few days ago and all he has done is cry and i feel awful. 99% of the time he is lovely but I cant seem to get last what hes done in the past. Not actually sure what i am posting for. Im just so confused. I have been with him since i was 16 and am now 28 so its a big scary step to take.

Next time you may not be as lucky and it might be the next time you piss him off.

He isn't lovely. He is abusive. Lundy bankroft talks about how some violent abusers have outbursts a lot, others, only every few years. Whatever the amount thet feel is required to be sure there is always the threat of violence in the back of your mind.

He also talks about how these outbursts are not a loss of control for the abuser. They are very much considered and controlled. They are choices made in order to intimidate you.

Abusers are not abusive due to anger. They are angry BECAUSE they are abusive.

He chose to act those ways in order to intimidate and threaten.

Get yourself and your wee lad out asap. If he sees you being controlled like this and picks up his father's ideologies about women then he will be more likely to become an abusive man himself.
It's your job as a parent to protect him from harm and to make sure he doesnt become what his father is (teach critical thinking so that he can see right and wrong for himself).

Also, you deserve a happy life free from intimidation, abuse and control.

Don't feel bad about not leaving sooner. You can't change the past.

You're only 28. You're so young. You deserve a better life that this.

Also, when you think on it, a 23 year old man had no buisness near a 16 year old girl in the first place op. Even back then he was a predator.

There is no time limit on leaving an abuser. You can leave him over something that happened 10 or 20 years ago, if you so choose.
You know, in your gut, that he is not the man you want to spend your life with. He does not make you happy. You don't need any more reason than that to end it. He will probably try to convince you that you are being unreasinable, but guess what? It doesn't matter. You are allowed to leave for ANY reason, whether he approves of it ior not!

YANBU. You know it's not right, even now.
You already have your justification - he is not nice. Let your son see life without fear.

when he smashed my sons bed up while he was sat in it. He was only 6 years old

I think I'd have buried him for that at the time. Alive.

He's not lovely OP. At all. He's a nasty cheating bullying cunt. LTB.

Omg fucking hell OP

The most recent one was 2 years ago when he punched and kicked our dog infront of my son who was devastated

You're still with him after that?! Yet you call him lovely. When he's killed the child or the dog, what then?! Get OUT!!!!!

@Bettysprocker

He punched and kicked your dog? Game over for me.

Me too. I'd have ripped his throat out at the time.

Jesus Christ OP, that man should be in jail not absusing you and your child.

He is not “lovely”, you need to stop lying to yourself. You and your son are living in an abusive situation, sorry to be brutal but you need to do something about it right away. This is beyond unacceptable, and you are choosing between living with this abuser or your son’s future. It’s as simple as that.

I know coercive control and abusive situations are horrendous and I would never judge a victim for struggling as you are. you are however being totally unrealistic talking about things like getting a driving licence, when you and your child are being abused (yes, even now!) on a daily basis. Your child would rather be safe in a woman’s shelter than living he nicest life with an abuser.

Get professional help straight away.

Right
Anyone can make a mistake, but it is what you do after which is important.

After he smashed your sons bed, did he get into therapy, and never, ever do it again?

Seems not, as he then beat your dog.

Worrying

This man could kill you or your child. It might sound like I’m being ridiculous, but I’m not. You know what he’s capable of, and you don’t know when it’s going to happen. You will need protection when you leave him, and you need to do it as soon as possible.

5 years from now this can all be in the pat, for you and your child, but you need to be strong.

There is no point staying with this man
at all, despite you saying he is lovely sometimes, and then you are waiting for his next very angry outbursts, that your child has to witness too. Never mind about your Husband crying, it makes me cringe to hear about crying idiot men, who are not worthy of having a good wife and a child.

There must be reasons why your Husband is prone to having these nasty and somewhat violent outbursts, but there are plenty of reasons for you not to tolerate it now.

You need to cover your tracks if/when leaving him as he is a violent man and may be very violent to you, your child and the dog when he finds you have all left him. He seems to have an uncontrollable temper and doesn't even want you to go out so what will he do if you leave?.

@Shouldbedoing

He keeps you in line with the aggressive outbursts and smashing things. I bet you walk on eggshells around him.

This.

Your poor son. You know that was not normal or acceptable. X

OP you and your son are still very much young enough to have a wonderful life...in fact it wouldn’t matter if you were forty years older. I think you know what you have to do, hard as it is.

I wouldn’t have been able to live with him after the bed smashing incident it would have disturbed me having my child witness that.

Hell. No.

When he punched and kicked your dog, he was telling your DS that he's next if he steps out of line. Your son will know that the dog did not do whatever it was that started your H off deliberately if it was anything). Same with the bed incident. It's like saying "watch your step or this is you."

He hasn't lost his temper like that for 2 years? Then he's due to blow any time now. Best get yourself, your DS and your dog well away from him.

@AntiHop

Don't feel bad about not leaving sooner. You can't change the past.

You're only 28. You're so young. You deserve a better life that this.

You are very young. I left at 37. Never regretted it. I escaped rather than left, so be very careful. My x wasnt as crazy, but there was a similar Fear based control going on. He was "nice" if I was who he wanted me to be and if I behaved, ykwim. But if I made him angry, omg, weirdly he also had a moment of madness over a bed. I was sleeping in the spare room and he started to take it apart with an electric drill, while i was in it, crying. He was screaming at me the whole time. But 20 days out of every 21 he didnt hurt me or scream at me. I never thought he was lovely though. I knew i was scared of him. I knew he wanted it that way.

Good luck @Lemonsand 💐☘☘☘

He punched and kicked your dog?? That's just horrific in itself but to do that in front of your child would be traumatising for him! How are you still there! Please spare your child and yourself and your dog any more abuse and leave today! I've read some stuff on here that has been upsetting but this is seriously chilling stuff! That poor child and that poor dog. You need to do what's right to stop the abuse. Please call women's aid if you need help, and consider reporting the abuse to the police.

Thank you everyone. I will be telling him tonight it is over for good. I did tell him a few days ago but he cried and begged so much i felt bad and said i would think about it. Hes been on best behavoir ever since. Running around doing all the housework etc that he never normally does. I know its all just a ploy to make me stay. Thank you all for giving me the push i needed.

Don't feel sick or guilty, OP. Use all of that to feel angry enough to see this through and to live well without him.

It's great you now have brain space to think this through, a place to go and the means to get there.

Good luck.

I don't think you should actually tell him it's over again. He sounds very dangerous. I think you should just leave. Or at least have people with you and be able to change the locks.

Yeah he is abusive. Seek support and get him to leave

Agee with pp. Dont tell him it is over until you have left.

Especially not at night when you're going to have to sleep in the same house until you get away!