Leaving husband over something that happened years ago

[Lemonsand]

I feel like I need to leave my husband. I love him to death but a few things he has done over the years eat away at me. Worst incident was when he smashed my sons bed up while he was sat in it. He was only 6 years old at the time and i was a work. Apparently my son was naughty and my husband lost his temper. This was 4 years ago but i still sit sometimes and imagine how terrified he must have been. Hes also punched a hole in my wall. We also have issues with control. If i go out to my frienda house i always come back to a bad atmosphere. I also recently found out he had been texting a woman from work about our marriage issues though they have both said nothing happened. I told him i was leaving a few days ago and all he has done is cry and i feel awful. 99% of the time he is lovely but I cant seem to get last what hes done in the past. Not actually sure what i am posting for. Im just so confused. I have been with him since i was 16 and am now 28 so its a big scary step to take.

Can you get a friend to come and stay for a while?
Or just go away for a few days and tell him when you are safely away.

I dont mean to scare you but my x, who was "lovely" 95% of the time becsuse i was so scared he'd lose his temper, he discovered my plan and he attacked me.

In the end it was a good thing because i left knowing i could never be stupid enough to go back. I felt less guilt. I felt like he'd left me no choice but to leave and never come back.

But be very careful. Do you have a brother or a friend who could stay for a while?

OP, don’t want to scare you but some abusers only have violent outbursts every few years...that’s what makes it so disorientating and difficult to leave them. If you tell him tonight that it’s over don’t let him say he’ll pack up and go tomorrow and remain in the same property with him overnight.

He is an abusive man. It's not too late to save your son from the effects of his abuse.

This is crazy
Wtf are you thinking still being with him

Aww he was crying was he? His child was probably crying seeing his father trashing his bed whilst he was sitting on it. I wouldnt have an ounce of sympathy for this scumbag.

After all the manipulative best boy behaviour he’ll regress again to keep you in your toes.

Normal people do no punch and kick animals. If it kicks off ring the police and get out.

he punched and kicked our dog

WTAF?? He should be in jail. Why are you still with him? This is disgusting. How are you protecting your dog and your son?

How bad does the next thing have to be before you leave?

No!

Do not tell him tonight it is over.

Chances of extreme violence towards you: VERY HIGH

Speak to Women's Aid about the right way to leave a man who has been extremely violent in the past like your DH.

Report his attack on the dog.
Report his violence around your child.

Stay safe tonight OP.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

The two incidents you've described (sons bed and dog) are appalling. It doesn't matter how long ago they happened.

What matters is that he's shown himself capable of that behaviour - the frequency is irrelevant.

Please also don't dismiss the control he's exerting over you on a day to day basis.

Not seeing friends to avoid an atmosphere/argument is a textbook response to abuse in the sense he's "been training" you to behave as he wants.

Don't be blind also to the fact that abusers use "kindness" as a tactic in the same way they use being nasty and aggressive.

It's all part of the same strategy to "reward" you for behaviours they want to see more of and "punish" you for behaviour they want to stop

When you tell him him be prepared please. He will pull out all the stops.

He will likely cry, guilt trip you, gaslight you and if that doesn't work turn nasty. Potentially very nasty.

Make sure you keep your phone and car keys on you and I'd also advise you to have a "grab bag" full of essentials (make sure you pack a credit card/cash or your purse) in the car just in case you and your son next to make a swift exit. Do not be afraid to call the police if you need to.

Finally don't feel bad about not leaving sooner. It's a very tough situation to get out of simply because you've been more controlled that you realise even now and frankly since 17 haven't known any different.

What's important is having faith in yourself now to ensure you and your son will have a better future.

He kicked and punched your dog?
It could be your son next time...or you

OP you know this is not right

If you get away, dont go back for mere stuff. You can change your address for bank/utilities/phone, get a new passport, buy new underwear, you name it, it can all be sorted out or replaced. I walked away with one rucksack which felt strange when i did it, but later, when i knew i couldnt get it back or prevent him from throwing it all in a skip, i stopped thinking about it. The stuff from my old chapter wasnt important when i got free.

OP I cannot stress this enough, do NOT tell him for a second time that it's over.

What you're seeing now (him being on his best behaviour) is his M.O because he thinks it'll convince you to stay.

If you tell him, actually, I've decided I don't want to be with you anymore.. his next response will be to lash out because he has lost control of the situation.

I've been there, even down to the animal abuse. My XP threw my kitten into the cupboards and gave him brain damage. He survived, miraculously.

You need some distance between you before you tell him that's it it's over for good.

Please make sure the dog goes with you. None of you are safe.

I think you're a much stronger woman than you realise
You are seeing him in a different light because you are a grown woman not a teenager
Take your son and leave
He is a not a good person to be around

Sounds like the next nightmare scenario for your son, will be watching his Dad smash up his mother.

Your funeral to take those risks for yourself; but what this is doing to your boy will damage him for life . This is the kind of catastrophic parenting that drives kids to running away, depression, mental illness, self harm, drugs, and eventually, another generation of abusive relationships with their own partners and children.

Your husband can't stop himself. But you can stop any further psychological damage to your son.

@NeedToKnow101

I don't think you should actually tell him it's over again. He sounds very dangerous. I think you should just leave. Or at least have people with you and be able to change the locks.

I agree with this. Don't tell him until you are actually out of the house.

Good luck OP.
Don't be alone in the house with him if you tell him you are leaving. It will understandably lead to a massive emotional reaction.
My DH was very controlling and managed to successfully isolate me ('I should be your best friend', 'You shouldn't need to talk to other people'). He was also lovely a lot of the time apart from the times he kicked off (Threw an iron, kettle, smashed our sons tablet etc etc). Like you I stayed. I don't know how it happens...a combination of gaslighting, minimising, normalising and being okay if you toe the line. It didn't get better and when I left he went completely nuts for a while, and even then I felt guilty.
It's messed up, but it sounds like you are scared and if so, you must get yourself and your kids and your dog somewhere safe and tell everyone what has happened. Write it down too, so you can refer to it when you feel wobbly. Even without these things, you do not have to stay with anyone you don't want to.
It will be okay. Be strong.

@Bettysprocker

He punched and kicked your dog? Game over for me.

This !! He should have been prosecuted.

To kick and punch a dog? I rarely say LTB but you can have my first LTB. And take your children and animals with you.

Good luck OP. I wish you well.

He sounds like a family annihilator. Street angel, house devil.

OP, I would quietly seek the assistance and advice of women's aid. Leave him, but do not do so abruptly, ensure that you have someone with you when you leave. Don't warn him of your intent to leave when you're alone (including with the kids) with him.

Please don’t tell him you’re leaving, that it one of the most dangerous moments in abusive relationships.
Can you get a few things together (passport, birth cert, bank cards etc) and then just take your son and dog and go?

Bless your poor son. He must have been terrified. I would kill anyone who made my daughter feel like that

The most recent one was 2 years ago when he punched and kicked our dog infront of my son who was devasted.

OMG OP no way, this bloke is very dangerous. Even if he hasn't done it recently you never know when it'll come, and he's verbally aggressive.

This will already have damaged your son and you will have to reverse that damage through safety and care. xx

He punched and kicked your dog? He's not a nice person.