Leaving husband over something that happened years ago

[Lemonsand]

I feel like I need to leave my husband. I love him to death but a few things he has done over the years eat away at me. Worst incident was when he smashed my sons bed up while he was sat in it. He was only 6 years old at the time and i was a work. Apparently my son was naughty and my husband lost his temper. This was 4 years ago but i still sit sometimes and imagine how terrified he must have been. Hes also punched a hole in my wall. We also have issues with control. If i go out to my frienda house i always come back to a bad atmosphere. I also recently found out he had been texting a woman from work about our marriage issues though they have both said nothing happened. I told him i was leaving a few days ago and all he has done is cry and i feel awful. 99% of the time he is lovely but I cant seem to get last what hes done in the past. Not actually sure what i am posting for. Im just so confused. I have been with him since i was 16 and am now 28 so its a big scary step to take.

Yes hes 7 years older than me

Even 1% abusive is too abusive. And that is fairly extreme abuse you describe.

A six year old's assessment of whether his life was in danger while an adult smashed his bed up with him in it... He almost certainly would have felt his life was at risk. I don't think terrifying is a strong enough word.

Abusers cry and plead when they think they're losing control of you.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Freedom Programme?

It is bad enough to speak to Women's Aid. Coercive control is a crime.

Presumably you have been so frightened of him repeating the violence over the last few years that you have done what he wanted without challenging him. And that's the only reason it hasn't been repeated - he has effective control of you without repeating it. So you are actually being more abused than four years ago.

Your poor child being forced to live this way all these years. If you stay it will cause catastrophic damage to your son's adult life.

@Lemonsand

The trouble is he is so lovely most of the time. I dont walk on eggshells. If anything i am the loud opinionated one and he is more quiet and laid back. But i realised recently that i hadnt been to my friends for over a month. I think subconciously i just couldnt be bothered with the atmopshere when i get back.

Doesn't matter. The fact is, he beat your dog. In front of your child!!!

He smashed up your child's bed, with him on it.

Absolutely unforgivable.

Congratulations on passing your driving test - now go and load that car with all your possessions and go back to your mum with your son and the dog - your husband is an abusive prick and you deserve better than this. Don't be swayed by his occasional lovely side, it's an act. The real man is a an aggressive, violent control freak.

I think subconciously i just couldnt be bothered with the atmopshere when i get back.

That's how coercive control works. That's what people mean by walking on eggshells. Changing your behaviour to avoid repercussions from him.

You're making excuses for allowing him to abuse you and your child.

@Lugubelenus

Congratulations on passing your driving test - now go and load that car with all your possessions and go back to your mum with your son and the dog - your husband is an abusive prick and you deserve better than this. Don't be swayed by his occasional lovely side, it's an act. The real man is a an aggressive, violent control freak.

And make sure to tell people in real life why you're leaving (i.e. punching the dog and smashing up the bed), so they understand that he is violent and a danger to you and your son.

Thank you everyone. I think i just needed someone to tell me i am doing the right thing and not going crazy.

OP, I am so sorry you are facing this. I am sending a big hug over the Internet.

Do you have a support network nearby? Someone to talk to? Somewhere to go? Somewhere safe? This is so important - your safety and your son's safety. And your dog.

As others have said, you are describing abuse. I'm sorry. If you can, please Google the cycle of abuse, and get hold of Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

If you don't feel safe, please dial 999 if you can. Or go to a friend's. Or telephone Women's Aid.

Wishing you strength.

There's a free PDF version of Lundy Bancroft's brilliant book here in case you would like to read it:

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Yes i have told my 2 close friends who live nearby. I really feel we are safe. He hasnt lost his temper like that in 2 years

You are doing the right thing

For you
For your son

& I hope you're taking your poor dog!

'Nice' mist if the time is FAR too low a bar!

Good to see you are raising your bar OP. you have set it way too low for a long time

He isn't lovely. He has abused both your child and pet. So he is an animal and child abuser. Just because he is nice between those times doesn't mean anything.

How much of those 2 years have you spent considering his possible reactions to things you do and say? I bet a lot of your mental energy is spent trying to predict him.

Speak to Women's Aid.

Your poor son, he’s had to stay in the same house as someone who assaulted him for 4 years. Please put your son first and leave! This thread has really upset me as I can’t stand the thought of a 6 year old child being threatened by an adult man. How scary for him.

He has the potential to majorly lose his shit, doen't matter how long it's been. I couldn't live with what he's done either. He's needy, you're incompatible, you're doing the right thing. Don't waste your life.

He punched and kicked your dog!
If front of your son as well. How would you feel if your son punched and kicked an animal?
I think the rest here would be to go and see a friend. Don't ask his permission just go then see what happens when you get home. If all is well, fine, if not you have your answer right there.

OP I think sometimes people in abusive relationships and feel like they’re sleepwalking through life and it’s only when they get stronger or more independent that they realise that abuse has occurred or at least, how they’ve altered their lives not to provoke outbursts. It can take years.

I think talking about your marriage problems to a woman at work is disloyal and undermines trust and privacy.

I went out with my friend saturday to buy school shoes for my son. And then i popped to hers in the evening for an hour. I got back to an atmosphere and when i asked what the issue is (as he went to bed as soon as i got home) he said i should have stayed home as " you've been out all fucking day".

Why do you keep saying oh hes lovely most of the time?? Who gives a fuck? He's been abusive towards his 6 year old child and a defenceless animal. He's not lovely he's a cowardly shite. Bet he wouldn't do that to a 7 foot cage fighter would he!!!

I dunno why you stayed op. But yeah get out of there. Jesus

Any man that punched and kicked my dog and frightened my young child would be out on their arse before they knew what had happened

Smashing up a bed with your child in it he punched and kicked our dog

That would be it for me, sorry. No thanks....

I dont know why i stayed either. I have no excuse. I feel sick at myself for letting my son down all this time.

Beating the dog is a criminal offence, what he did up your son is abusive, that’s before you start with the control. I would leave in a heartbeat and make sure I took the dog with me.

oh my god fuck this animal abusing piece of shit.