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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving husband over something that happened years ago

138 replies

Lemonsand · 06/09/2020 12:54

I feel like I need to leave my husband. I love him to death but a few things he has done over the years eat away at me. Worst incident was when he smashed my sons bed up while he was sat in it. He was only 6 years old at the time and i was a work. Apparently my son was naughty and my husband lost his temper. This was 4 years ago but i still sit sometimes and imagine how terrified he must have been. Hes also punched a hole in my wall. We also have issues with control. If i go out to my frienda house i always come back to a bad atmosphere. I also recently found out he had been texting a woman from work about our marriage issues though they have both said nothing happened. I told him i was leaving a few days ago and all he has done is cry and i feel awful. 99% of the time he is lovely but I cant seem to get last what hes done in the past. Not actually sure what i am posting for. Im just so confused. I have been with him since i was 16 and am now 28 so its a big scary step to take.

OP posts:
Appleofmyeye05 · 06/09/2020 22:22

The smashing up of the bed would be enough for me.

Roguesausage · 06/09/2020 23:01

You shouldn't leave your son alone with him.

qwertyuiop098 · 06/09/2020 23:25

How are you doing OP?

Wondersense · 06/09/2020 23:45

Well put it this way, what you are tolerating now is what your son will see as normal in his future relationships. Want to smash a wall? No problem. She'll be angry for a while but she'll be ok eventually. Want to kick the dog? Oh I guess it's bad, but hey, everyone gets angry once in a while don't they? Do you see how that works?

I wouldn't get into an argument with him over what he's done. He might cry, and that will be so hard for you to be around, but try to focus on planning a future with hum where hopefully you can co parent in some kind of peace. If you comfortable with it, I would insist it he take anger management and have therapy on the NHS. Get some legal advice if you can.

Goodoldfashionedploverboy · 06/09/2020 23:50

Fucking hell. Anybody who punches and kicks an animal is not lovely. They are a despicable subhuman scumbag.

Wondersense · 06/09/2020 23:51

The most recent one was 2 years ago when he punched and kicked our dog infront of my son who was devasted.

I used to have nightmares about stuff like this when I was a child, but they never happened but it has to your son. I would absolutely inconsolable if I witnessed that brutality. Can't imagine the effect it had on you poor, poor son. I was too moderated in my earlier post. Your husband is a fucking dickhead for doing this and treating his son badly. I feel sorry for you but you need to get out. It doesn't matter if these instances are few - they are enough to leave scars. Call the police too and I agree with the other posters here, don't tell him until you've already left.

Original poster
Lemonsand · 07/09/2020 03:47

I have told him and explained why. He took it surprisingly well. Thank you everyone for your help.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 07/09/2020 04:11

OP, thinking of you.. have you and your little one physically left? x

Toilenstripes · 07/09/2020 04:33

Leave and take the dog with you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2020 04:42

I hope he remains calm and telling him wasn’t foolhardy.

Oct18mummy · 07/09/2020 04:55

It sounds like although this happened in the past you are living on egg shells as the outbursts are so random so you have no idea when his temper will strike again.

Your poor son witnessing all of this - have you spoken to him about it all? He is probably living in fear too not to mention the physiological damage.

It wound like you are in a strong place. Don’t let him manipulate you with his crying go with your gut and do the right thing for you and your son.

yecannyshoveyergranny · 07/09/2020 04:58

@Lemonsand

I have told him and explained why. He took it surprisingly well. Thank you everyone for your help.
Confused
ulanbatorismynextstop · 07/09/2020 05:07

Leave him, he's awful

Downunderduchess · 07/09/2020 05:50

He sounds violent & controlling. He terrified your child and abused your pet. Isn’t that a good description of a monster? Those two things alone are enough reason to leave.

Wallywobbles · 07/09/2020 05:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Leafyhouse · 07/09/2020 06:02

I knew a bloke like this. Nice as pie, but dark violent moods. Plus he was built like a brick shithouse, so he could really cause some damage. He realised he needed help, went to his GP, got prescribed medicine, he's never looked back. I suspect he's on pills for the rest of his life, but he's very happy with the outcome.

GarlicSoup · 07/09/2020 06:03

@Handsoffisback

OP this man is not lovely. Your son must have been terrified. Who does that to a small child? To kick and punch a dog? He’d be out the door. He is controlling and would love to have you to himself 24/7. That weird, really weird. Stand up for yourself and your son and leave the bastard.
He is an abuser. Protect your son, your dog and yourself and LTB.
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/09/2020 06:07

Please be careful OP. he may be "taking it well" because he doesn't believe you mean it.
Do you have somewhere you and your son could go?

Isthisit22 · 07/09/2020 06:17

I am scared for you OP. please change the locks as soon as he leaves.
This man will not go easy. He will explode in violence and when he realises you're serious he will probably turn that violence on you
Please also report the other violence. I am very worried about him having your son alone. Him breaking up your son's bed when he was in it is one of the scariest and most sinister things I've read on here.
Protect yourself and your son

HaggyMaggie · 07/09/2020 06:38

Don’t let your guard down, he will go from sad to angry and take it out on you and your dog. Make your move with haste.

TitsOutForHarambe · 07/09/2020 06:40

The two incidents you have described here are chilling. Absolutely terrifying. Your poor child and dog. Please make sure you all get away from this man as fast as possible.

I wouldn't have that "it's really over" conversation with him. He could become extremely dangerous.

lborgia · 07/09/2020 07:00

Think of this. If he had punched and kicked your son, would you have left?

Would you leave now in those circumstances? Because, honestly, he knows exactly how much you will put up with.

He is a spineless, dangerous, controlling predator.

Don’t think for a moment that this is all over. If you stay, he will be good for a while, and then he will escalate again.

Please don’t blame yourself for what has passed, you were in this at a very early age. But NOW, now you know. You really do.

Take care Flowers

Ludo19 · 07/09/2020 07:06

You've never mentioned the dog in any of your posts which I find troubling also.

This man to whom you married is a very dangerous person. To smash up a bed while your child is on it is totally unforgivable but the attack on the dog is just as severe and I'm afraid if someone did that to me they'd be out on their arse.

Now I'm worried about your last post....he'll be charming, maybe win you round but remember this.....if he can do this to an innocent child and a defenceless dog.....you're next......FACT!

Divebar · 07/09/2020 11:10

I have told him and explained why. He took it surprisingly well. Thank you everyone for your help

I thought he was crying everywhere?

This is just a brush off to try and close down the comments. You’re with someone who will in all likelihood abuse your child if you don’t get your arse out of there. You’ve got a job to do - go do it. Good luck and be careful.

tornadoalley · 07/09/2020 11:27

Leave. The dog incident alone would finish me, let alone a 6 year old being terrorised