Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

@GilbertMarkham

Also did your good friend have the "problem" of not wanting to touch his girlfriend : by hand or mouth, or just the problem of death grip wanking and not being able to climax from penetrative sex?

Because I'm wondering how you therapise someone into giving a fuck about their partners sexual pleasure and climax, when they're clearly happy for them to have nothing from your sexual interaction (other than a sore wrist and neck).

Yes. That’s the bit that it’s hard to imagine working past.

Giving a shit about your partner’s experience should be a basic starting point in all sex.

Oh lord this just gets worse and worse.

I really don’t think this is fixable. I’m so sorry OP but look at his words. He has said not a single thing about how sexy you are, how attractive he finds you etc it’s stuff like “I just love fanny”- which is clearly a lie as if you loved something you wouldn’t go out of your way to avoid looking at it or touching it, “I’m just weird”, “I’ll give you sex” - as if he’s proving to you he’s going to do you a massive favour? This is horribly depressing reading and so unsexy it would make me drier than the Sahara. I’m beginning to think he’s gay. The way he’s talking about fanny yet does the complete opposite sounds very much like he’s trying to convince you but even more himself that he’s straight.

OP
I could have written this.

My ex was incredibly attentive at first. Kinda. He made sure I orgasmed, ( a lot) but he never did. My arms would ache, he would have to take over. I felt like a complete failure.
I began to realise that making me orgasm was actually for his benefit. He was ticking a box. He stopped kissing me, there was no foreplay, and PIV almost never happened.

By the time I finally broke free, I realised that he actually hates women. It wore down my self esteem bit by bit, I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.
The sex issues were tip of the iceberg. He uses women to prop his ego. He was constantly pushing me away/ pulling me back. He said he wanted to grow old with me, but was actually not committed at all. He completely messed with my head and my heart.

I would lay money that the ex who ' messed him up' was actually in your same position, and just left.

What is his relationship with his mother like?

Have a look at attachment theory...
But...

You cannot fix this. You cannot love him so much that it will get better. Seriously...these are deep, deep issues. If he was self aware, he would not be blaming his ex for his problems.

Save yourself OP

The ‘I love fanny’ did seem very odd considering he doesn’t go near mine! 😂 however in context that was on the back of me saying in a joking tone ‘we hardly have sex, are you gay or something!’ His response was ‘i love fanny too much’.

I have spoken about the sex, which is bad but the other stuff I haven’t mentioned is the texts he sends telling me I’m pretty and saying I’m fit. The way when I’m poorly he did my shopping for weeks, cleaned my house, gave me lifts everywhere. How he texts me though the day and celebrates achievements I’ve had, the really lovely and nice stuff that make for a good and caring relationship

If you are close enough that you can put his cock in your mouth, you are close to ask him why he won’t touch you (whilst expecting you to touch him), why he won’t go down on you (whilst expecting you to go down on him) and why he doesn’t seem to want sex.

If his response is anything other than huge apologies and shock that he’s treated you so abysmally, he isn’t worth staying with.

Oh, and hated me being too close when we were in the act. Literally would keep me at arms length. When he was ' present' then he would put his hand around the base of my throat.

Oh, and my ex always said he had a really high sex drive. That is designed to make you think it's all your fault

Yes - I have looked at attachment. The whole him not knowing what he wants in the future, family etc has made me question this - he is now attending counselling to work this stuff out. He doesn’t really speak with me about the sessions but has said his counsellor thinks his attachement is damaged.
His last relationship was 10 years (interestingly they didn’t have sex much) she left him for someone else, he said that was a huge shock and he was in a bad and depressed place for sometime. That he kinda closed himself off to ‘deal with life’. He lost his mum to cancer at 19. I think there is lots of underlining stuff for him?

It sounds like he has no emotional attachment to sex with you and no desire.

Sex is you servicing him, him humping you which is all he can bare to do - he doesn't want to get involved with your fanny even though he apparently loves them, or him servicing himself.

I'd say gay, or lots of guilt issues with sex, religious upbringing or overbearing mother maybe, or could have a weird fetish.

Either way, it doesn't sound like sex with you does it for him. Unless he can admit why and you can both work through it together so you can have a normal loving sex life, then i can't see you being happy with him. Not unless you can accept a sexless relationship.

God almighty why would you stick with this after 8 months? It will not get better. It will get worse.

I have spoken about the sex, which is bad but the other stuff I haven’t mentioned is the texts he sends telling me I’m pretty and saying I’m fit. The way when I’m poorly he did my shopping for weeks, cleaned my house, gave me lifts everywhere. How he texts me though the day and celebrates achievements I’ve had, the really lovely and nice stuff that make for a good and caring relationship

Yeah sounds ok. Kind of things my friends do for me. But really are you willing to give up your sex life for what is fairly basic niceness in a relationship? I suspect he has issues around sex and I hope he eventually works them out for his sake (think IamOA has nailed them - he doesn't like women but is afraid to acknowledge that). You could actually find someone who is nice to you and you like and actually wants to have sex with you. You should expect more.

That really lovely stuff that makes for a good and caring relationship is simply just a good friendship if it doesn’t have the caring, loving sexual side - particularly in the early days of a relationship. He lets you masturbate him and suck him without a single thought for your satisfaction. Are you crazy setting your standards so low?? It doesn’t really matter what the reason is. It’s crap, that’s all.

Sorry but it sounds like he is messing with your head. He's "lovely" but he won't touch you or even acknowledge that your sex life is so desperately awful. He tells you you're fit but when he has the chance to show you he turns away and acts like you don't even exist. When people do this kind of thing it can completely ruin your sense of reality. He says he cares about you but his behaviour towards you shows his contempt. He acts with care towards you in one area of life, but doesn't care about making you so unhappy and insecure that you start thinking there's something wrong with you. He reels you in with his nice guy act then refuses to even touch you.

Well I suppose at least one thing is getting fucked in this relationship - your head.

But it’s not your job to “fix him”. Women don’t exist to heal men.
It’s not his fault his childhood was like that but it is his responsibility to fix himself, all adults do.
If he isn’t in a mental space to have a relationship right now then he shouldn’t be in one.

Call me cynical but I notice his “attachment issues” don’t affect him receiving oral or a hand job do they? They only seem to affect him reciprocating or making an effort. How convenient.

He treats you like a random sex worker in bed - even down to wanting to make a porno.

The rest - the 'lovely stuff' he does - is a friendship.

GAY. As a window.

What is going on?

All the attention is on him. He is having orgasms (eventually) when he doesn't appear to care about your pleasure.

Honestly, does it really matter why? Why would you care?

No! You’re completely right, he has no issues at all receiving anything.

I don’t know, as much as I feel he’s lovely and kind and caring I can’t explain why he doesn't give me anything back (the two don’t match do they) I know I’d do that for him and feel bad if I was just ‘take, take, take’.

Maybe Part of this is that I have been making ‘excuses’ and seeing everyone’s opinions on this helps me to see that this isn’t ‘normal’. I guess underneath it, I do love him and I know my life is nicer and happier with him in it than it was before but feeling like this isn’t good either.
Lots to think about and difficult conversations ahead

@GilbertMarkham

Also did your good friend have the "problem" of not wanting to touch his girlfriend : by hand or mouth, or just the problem of death grip wanking and not being able to climax from penetrative sex?

Because I'm wondering how you therapise someone into giving a fuck about their partners sexual pleasure and climax, when they're clearly happy for them to have nothing from your sexual interaction (other than a sore wrist and neck).

I think it was complex; because his head was in .. let's say the cloud .... he wasn't paying her enough attention sexually and the attraction died on her side.

He was kind of sliding into selfishness when he's not usually a selfish man at all, in terms of giving his time, attention or resources. He went to a therapist because the end of the relationship made him wake up and realise something was wrong with the way he was handling things. Im damn certain it was a genuine change tho because as part of his therapy he went to a few friends and admitted a number of lies, which took courage. And his now-wife is a good friend and clearly very happy.

The OP's partner sounds iffy in a number of ways though. But a lot of posters say "porn! Dump him!" and actually, sometimes it's that someone is young and inexperienced and they can change.

You described a friend not a boyfriend.

So much mental energy expended trying to work out his issues, support him, help him through counselling, wank him off.

What do you want? Why are you willing to settle for a friendship masquerading as a romance? You say your previous relationships were bad. You might benefit from counselling for yourself. Your definition of a good relationship is quite off.

My friends and siblings supply the type of support your supposed boyfriend supplies. Well, they don't message that I am pretty and fit. My DH does. Normally as part of getting me warmed up for some foreplay and sex later. What else would be the point? I know some men like celebrating having a trophy girlfriend and like to congratulate her on being hot, like it is an achievement (actually his "achievement" to have a hot girlfriend).

It's not going to get any better. It's been 8 months of crap "sex". It's not even proper sex. You're tying yourself up in knots trying to fathom it all out but what's the point?

He's not the right guy for you. Why waste more valuable time on him?

I can assure you that it's not just "men who are visual". Plenty of women like to look at what they're shagging too. Why wouldn't we?

It's not necessarily porn. It's only been 8 moths so you are still getting to know each other, but I don't think there's much hope here. It's either -

a) Past sexual abuse
b) He's Gay
c) It's porn
d) He has a fetish he feels he can't share for some reason
e) He has low level depression or low testosterone which cause low libido and sexual issues
f) He's just not a sexual person

Stop asking him for sex. He clearly doesn't enjoy it. The kindest thing you can do for the both of you is break up.

I will pointlessly add to the chorus of the same hymn sheet most of us are singing.

Porn & Death Grip 100%

@CarolBains

No! You’re completely right, he has no issues at all receiving anything.

I don’t know, as much as I feel he’s lovely and kind and caring I can’t explain why he doesn't give me anything back (the two don’t match do they) I know I’d do that for him and feel bad if I was just ‘take, take, take’.

Maybe Part of this is that I have been making ‘excuses’ and seeing everyone’s opinions on this helps me to see that this isn’t ‘normal’. I guess underneath it, I do love him and I know my life is nicer and happier with him in it than it was before but feeling like this isn’t good either.
Lots to think about and difficult conversations ahead

Why do you keep giving it to him. How would he feel if you didn't give him oral, masturbate him for a month?

how would you even bring this up?
He knows that you don't feel comfortable talking about it and that consequently you will not call him out so he can carry on getting away with it.
I would try and have a frank conversation with him and tell him that you're only willing to have sex if it works for you as well as him and right now it isn't working for you.
Or next time you have sex just jump on, ride him until you have an orgasm, then get off and go and read a book, treat him like an appliance and see how he likes it