DP has left because he found me too awful to be around. Not sure I agree.

[WhiteWidow001]

Regular with name change - I need some collective wisdom here. I have to mention at the start that DP has a diagnosed personality disorder and partly this means he can see things in a very black and white way (people or situations are either brilliant or terrible and he can switch that perspective over minor things). What I can’t work out is whether or not this is a minor thing or if I need to do some apologising.

I live on my own in a house with two children (13 and 10). I’ve had some dramatic (and traumatic) circumstances which means I have to sell the house. It’s a big job to get it ready for market.

DP lives on his own in a very small place, only big enough for one. He basically lives at mine and has been working REALLY hard to help me get the house sorted.

DP has an adult daughter who graduated this year. There is a VERY high level of conflict between her and her mum and during Lockdown she got worryingly low about it all, so in June I offered for her to come and stay in my spare room to get a break and establish the next steps in her life (job hunt, flat hunt etc). She has a qualification in child care and wants to work in a related field, so I said that while she was here, instead of giving me money, she could contribute by doing some home-schooling and childcare (I work full time so this is a massive help). I made it clear this was not a long-term solution as I’m selling the house.

Two things have happened that have brought things to a head with me and DP. One is that, for the past week, I’ve been clearing out my house and coming across lots of reminders of the traumatic events that caused me to sell. This includes finding and binning things that belonged to people who died and who I was very close to. I’ve found this really difficult, and because I’m very much an introvert, I’ve been quiet, withdrawn, not as chirpy as usual etc. I’m sad and stressed basically.

DP’s daughter has now been here for three months and has made virtually no move to find work or another place to stay. DP really wants her to make changes but if he tries to motivate her she gets tearful. It’s been a source of conflict for them on and off since she’s been here. She says she needs a year off to recover from the relationship she had with her mum. She can’t drive and is scared of getting cabs, so if she wants to go out anywhere someone has to drive her (even if it’s just to the train station). She does keep my kids entertained but it’s mostly just been about watching box sets and playing computer games with my eldest while ignoring my youngest. Tbh I’ve been chilled about it up until the last week as it’s no real detriment to me, but her constant presence in the house is becoming grating and I feel like I’m picking up after three kids. I’ve told him I’m concerned that despite lots of help to find work/housing she’s pretty much opted out of doing it, and I can’t continue to carry her through winter here.

So these two things have combined - in the last week I’ve felt very tense due to all the work I’ve got to do in the house and the upsetting reminders. I’ve felt like just shutting myself off from everyone to get on with it. At the same time I’m trying to manage the household, work full time etc. I’ve been a bit preoccupied and definitely less sociable. Twice this week DP has asked if I want him to take his daughter out with him for the day so I can work in peace. I’ve said yes. It’s worked really well and I’ve felt much better by the evening.

The second time this happened (Wednesday), they returned from their day out to say they were both leaving as I’d created an atmosphere and they don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’ve not heard from either of them since.

I realise I’ve been less laid back and jolly this past week, but it’s not been AT anyone in particular, I just haven’t felt able to join in the fun and games, small talk, giggles and I’ve been more robust about asking people to help clear up after themselves. I think it’s normal to have days where you feel a bit shitty.

It also feels like I’ve done an awful lot to support his daughter (I took days off to help her re-do her CV, apply for jobs, help with housing etc. I even took her with me on a family holiday I’d booked). But it feels like because I’ve had a tense week, it’s been decided I’m awful and not fit to be around.

It’s fine that they’ve gone, it’s quite a relief actually, but would anyone else have been irritated by the state of affairs? DP’s response makes me wonder if I’ve been totally unreasonable and awful, but like I said, the personality disorder can make it seem that way sometimes and I need a reality check. I’m not entirely sure I want to apologise when he gets back in touch, tbh.

It’s a blessing in disguise that they’ve gone.

Bag up their stuff and get the locks
changed!

@WhiteWidow001

I should say - my own children have only been with me about 50% of the time over summer as they’ve been staying with their dad, so when he’s taken his daughter out, I’ve been here alone. DP doesn’t freeload, to give him his due, he works very hard to contribute.

On the other hand, she definitely does freeload. It hasn’t actually cost me any extra to have her here (DP buys all the food for the house) but that will change in the winter as the bills here are astronomical and one extra person does make a difference.

I don’t know if she’s lazy or there something not quite right with her developmentally (or both). To give a picture:

• she’s scared of the dark or of being in a house alone. She could have gone and stayed at her dad’s flat instead of being here, but there isn’t room for them both and she’s too fearful to be there alone
• she’s scared to take taxis and there are no decent transport links in his village so it would be hard for her to get around
• she doesn’t like to walk so constantly calls people for lifts but doesn’t offer money. She’s mentioned before how unreasonable she thinks her friends’ parents are for not driving their children around for free.
• she’s been asked to take showers here rather than run baths several times a week, because I’m not any mains utilities, the heating oil is extortionate and a bath uses an entire tank of water. When she was asked to take showers instead because of using up all the water she said ‘but all she needs to do is flick the heating on for an extra couple of hours’. After it was explained to her how expensive she was and she understood after that, but the assumption was annoying.
• pretty much as soon as she came here she was talking about how she lived here now, and that this was her home and her safe space. I had to remind her that she’s staying here, not living here. She still brings friends round to ‘show the place off’.
• she has binge eating disorder. I asked her (nicely) to keep all her snacks and fizzy drinks in a cupboard or in her room as my own children keep asking me to get them the same stuff, and she called a relative to say how unreasonable it was that she’d been asked to keep her food out of sight.
• she had a friend round for dinner one night. Because she’d been feeling low, I cooked for them both. She did absolutely nothing to help clear up, just left the leftover food and all the plates etc on the dining room while they went off to do their own thing.

I know she’ll be very tearful and emotional about having had to leave here (it will have been DPs insistence) but the thought of having her back is too difficult to contemplate.

You have gone above and beyond for her and her behaviour sounds so selfish. I understand she likely has anxiety issues which she needs to speak to her Gp or a counsellor about but it is time for her to move on.

Just one last post sticking up for the daughter (and yes I know they have badly taken advantage of the op!) but if your DC adore her then that does say quite a lot in her favour (despite her other difficulties). Not many young adults have patience with DC much younger than them. It's really good news because it demonstrates that she will be good at her chosen career when she decides to stop hiding and get on with it!

I actually think you are well rid off both. He should have been bending over backwards with gratitude for stepping in and helping her.
She sounds like she does have some issues, but that isnt your mess to sort out .

Of course she needs to find a job and it would probably help her self confidence enormously to do so.

@slightchill When they're ill, that works for some people but not for others.

she will be good at her chosen career when she decides to stop hiding and get on with it!

I've never really been able to work, due to severe mental health problems. I'm not hiding from anything, I'm not well enough to work and consultants at the head of their field agree.

Either way, she needs to be seeing a doctor/consultant to help her. And if she's been in the past, she needs to go back and tell them how she's currently feeling, so they can change her treatment plan etc.

Ah right. So you've done all the work and now you've had enough they both swan off. I would let them and tell them not to come back. You have enough to do and enough drama without having theirs

IMO all the for better for worse, for richer for poorer should apply in a long term unmarried relationship just as much as in a married one. He has shown you that his relationship with you is conditional on you being upbeat at all times and if you're not he's going to go off in a huff. I know this is a difficult time for you, but what sort of support could you expect from him if the chips were even further down? If you got seriously or long term ill? The fact that you're not allowed to have an off week is a major red flag.

He's had the benefits of living in your nice house instead of his tiny flat, and I sense (I could be wrong) that you make a number of allowances for him because of his personality disorder.

(people or situations are either brilliant or terrible and he can switch that perspective over minor things)
Do you normally try to make things all about him to keep him thinking that you're in his 'brilliant' category?

While you may love, and think you will miss, the man you thought you knew, he's shown you that he has another side, that he can turn against you just as much as he can turn against anyone else. And if you really think that this could be to try to make you more compliant with what he wants if he comes back, then you need to think long and hard about the reality of this relationship, rather than the facade it's potentially been up to now.

The further sounds like a nightmare, What a relief for you that’s she’s gone.

It doesn’t sound that healthy a relationship if he ghosts you because you’ve been having a shit time.

Getting ready to move has stirred up lot of ‘stuff’ for you. I am guessing you would have stayed in that house if you could.

It can’t be easy to be preparing for a new life under these circumstances. Its OK to put yourself first, with your needs and wants firmly centre front .

You are at a crossroads in your life - give careful thought as to what (and who) you want to take with you. It’s a fresh start, new opportunities will open up for you.

Take care; all the very best.

It sounds like you've had enough going on without dealing with this adult woman taking the piss and encroaching on your physical and mental space.

I really would breathe a sigh of relief and look at this as an opportunity to start afresh.

Good luck with the move

I know she’ll be very tearful and emotional about having had to leave here

This is manipulative behaviour.

She took advantage of you. She is manipulating her father (how is there room for her at his place now, when there wasn't before? Apologies if I've missed something)

Her arguments with her mother could well have been related to this entitled, manipulative attitude she has.

Your DP may or may not come back, but if he doesn't, try to console yourself with the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong - you were clear from the outset that she was with you on a temporary basis - it is YOUR home, you like your own space and you are entitled to that. Your DP may choose her over you, but hurtful as that may be, you will be better off in the long run if this is the case..

OP I think you are sounding very intolerant of the 22 year old and unreasonably so - it was your choice to have her at your home and the fact that you made a misjudgement shows that you are not perfect either!

You say you were very different at 22 and if you left home at 16 you may well have had a very different attitude about getting a job and not being scared of living alone - but you would have made poor judgements and poor choices in other ways. Both you and your partner have made poor choices about this arrangement and you are both many years older.

However, it is fair to say that the 22 year old isn't your responsibility, and your partner needs to sort it out.

SoulofanAggron Absolutely I agree with you. If it transpires that the dd has mh problems then of course she needs help and treatment and the ability to take things at her own pace. She does appear to be depressed and anxious.

The main point here though is that it is not the op's responsibility to determine whether her dp's DD has a mh problem, who needs proper support and treatment, or whether she is a young adult lacking in confidence, who needs a bit of a push, or she is somewhere between those two points.

Did you read my post at 13.12 where I defended her and suggeated that her childhood had potentially left her with serious issues? A lot of my post was in support of the daughter in this situation, unlike others who were calling her a freeloader, which I thought was rather harsh.

Later on I was referring to the ludicrousness of the logic that she wouldn't get a job, and then wouldn't choose alternative accommodation because she didn't know where the job would be! That could be as a result of a mh problem, or it could be lack of self confidence with a bit of laziness thrown in, as young adults can be prone to passivity.

Either way, it's not the op's problem. She has done her best to help. I am very sympathetic to the daughter though who has had a troubled relationship with her mother and a father, whose personality disorder may not allow him to support his daughter bad he should. In those circumstances, it's understandable that she may have some difficulties negotiating the first steps of adult life.

In agreement with many that you sound lovely and that his DD has utterly taken the piss.

She might have needed some time for "self care" etc, but if she was genuine about that, and genuinely grateful for you to be helping her out like this, she would have bloody well pulled her weight and done as much as she could to help you out, rather than just become deadweight.
She hasn't though - she's just taken advantage. And she won't change.

So in all honesty, along with most others, I think it's GREAT that they've taken the decision out of your hands and fecked off!

If you haven't heard from them, I guess you don't know where they're staying - but equally, wherever that is, it must be working ok for them or they'd have been back by now So maybe Dad's flat isn't quite so "too small" for them both to be there after all.
In which case, you can wash your hands of them both quite successfully.

As to your initial question - nah. This is on him and his DD, not you.
Nice, kind, good people show compassion when someone is going through something a bit tough - which I'm assuming you would have told them - and realise that the way you're being is because of the tough situation you're dealing with - they don't throw their fecking toys out the pram and strop off because you're not catering to their feelings! Snowflakes.

I know you and your kids love him (and her) and will miss him (and even maybe her) - but really? Are you sure? I bet the atmosphere is a billion times more relaxed without them there... and anyway, you'll be moving house soon (fingers crossed!) so a new start without them will work out just fine.

I apologise for jumping the gun with this, but in all honesty, I hope they DON'T come back. I totally agree this is about punishment - they're waiting for YOU to call THEM and beg. Don't do it.

OP I also meant to say, have you posted before about the partner and silent treatment? I think them moving out was a good move and should be permanent, but it is unusual to have not contact at all for days. Unless it is your normal. Or you have in fact upset them more with your recent behaviour than you have realised, which is also possible.

I think maybe take a step back from this, and see how you feel when the dust settles. Recriminations and blame really won't help. But it is your right to end the relationship/say that they cannot live with you.

Oh sorry op I've realised give mentioned your children staying with their dad do your bereavement has not been a partner.

I still think you have done way too.much and they are users (and not good for your household/family).

I think she is immature and childish - frightened of going into the big bad world of work, lazy too ---- it's much easier for her to blame you for having to leave than have to face up to the fact that at 22 she is a failure and, sadly, she probably cannot see a way out of her predicament. She's too frightened and lacking in confidence for that.

This is possibly due to a lack of support from her DM and DF.

Anyhow - this is not your problem, and it's not something i would want to take on, being as you would be between her DF and DM and below them in any authority over her.
Let them go - perhaps you can resume your relationship with him at a distance and in the future once DD has found a life.

The most important people in this who scenario are barely mentioned your young DCs - 10 and 13 years old.

We all only have finite emotional capacity, headspace, energy and time.

You need to conserve yours and prioritise it for your own two DCs who need their DM to be calm, peaceful, rested and balanced and focused on THEM.

Not being drained of her finite energy by pandering to the whims of a BF and shouldering the launch of a dysfunctional 22 year old adult - who’s own parents have quite frankly failed her. Then to be punished by these emotionally entitled, deluded and arrogant individuals for grieving and feeling exhausted.

You have done too much for fat to long.

Your low mood etc - is your body telling you this - listen to it don’t let yourself get so overwhelmed and engulfed.

All through this time your own DCs have missed out on YOUR attention. All that matters is your bond with them. Give them your finite energy - you will be rewarded for that in spades.

Also she is a bad influence on your DCs each individually and as a family unit. She excludes one and her lazy habits are not your values.

Don’t wait to see it they rock up. Take back control and decide that YOUR DCs come first.

Are you downsizing your home which means you won't have a bedroom for the daughter once you have moved? I think you should get rid of the bed in 'her' room as a matter of urgency. Empty it and use it as a box room to store things as you pack them up. It gives a great reason why she can't just rock up again and move back in.

Not being drained of her finite energy by pandering to the whims of a BF and shouldering the launch of a dysfunctional 22 year old adult - who’s own parents have quite frankly failed her.

I've often found that when children have dysfunctional upbringings and aren't 'cared for' in the way we expect children to be, they grow into entitled young adults who want to be looked after, as they have a lot of resentment about what they missed out on in childhood, a mum that picks up after them and chaffers them around. It's almost a 'why does nobody ever look after me, will you look after me' vibe.

I feel sorry for the 22 year old daughter, but she wants OP to be her mum and baby her as that's what she's missed out on, and OP has plenty of her own problems.

chaffers? chauffeurs!

Your DCs will be delighted to have their Mum back all to themselves. Immerse yourself in this time - you all need to get back to bonding and focusing on your unit of 3.

IMHO the 22 year old has indeed an emotional developmental delay / deficit due to having two emotionally inadequate / volatile / unavailable parents.

IMHO her MH issues are only just getting started. She needs long term professional / expert psychological support to just stem these issues.

You are not qualified or resourced to do this. In fact taking her on could be quite counterproductive for her and futile, frustrating and exhausting for you.

Your DCs really don’t need this to be your focus in their teens. Focus your compassion and energy on them - they will need you. You can’t be in two emotional places at once.

you are not her mum, you are not her dad.

Agree,
this is a gift.
Move on op. Look after number one, that is you

My kids adore her and prefer them both to be here, they’ve known them both for many years, but it’s not good for them to have people who are just going to leave like that

Well, they might adore her as she lets them watched boxed sets and play on games all summer instead of requiring them to do much. She's modelling doing really nothing at all instead of working/seeking her own life.

I find it hard to believe that your children just absolutely adore these people and there are no down sides to them having these two extra people in their lives, especially ones who cut and run (which admittedly may not have been typical). If they have been bereaved themselves, it's going to be incredibly destabilising for them to get another family made up and then for it to disappear right before their eyes, as well as moving house. I really don't think you are correctly assessing what they need in this situation at all, sorry. It isn't have a ready-made family with a family friend who however nice, does have a personality disorder which is now impacting on them, and an older teen/step child who has been absorbing a lot of your time and energy.

I don't know if I have this right, I don't know if you were widowed from their father, but it seems to me that sitting tight as a three and not having anything destabilise that is going to be the best way forward- it doesn't mean you can't have a relationship, but it doesn't need to be played out in their own home.

The DD obviously had no intention of this being a short term temporary visit. She's told OP that she's not ready for a job for at least a year, and until she does get a job, she's not moving anywhere else, because it might not be near to where this hypothetical job is.

So, she was planning on staying in OP's house for at least a year.

Definitely don't allow her back. She'll either have to go back to her mum's, stay at her dad's no matter how cramped, or look for her own place.
Don't suppose it occurred to her to get a place, then look for jobs nearby?