Him or his ex

[Pinotgrigio33]

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

Yes you do, you just don't want to do it.

The best thing to do (and you know this) is to stop contact with him and move on with your life.

You just don't want to because you think he'll change his mind or 'choose' you. He won't. He's made that clear.

There comes a point where it's hard to be sympathetic because you're obviously an intelligent and capable woman so it's disingenuous to say you don't know what to do as if it's all a huge mess.

It would be a clean break, no shared kids / home / bills... you just need to stop contact.

So you do know what is best to do. But as I said you just don't want to do it.

You are all right of course ☹ it's refreshing to read I'm not going mad. I wasn't sure if the opinion would be I have no right to comment, but after a year surely I do!!

Half of me thinks I don't as in reality 2 dates but then calls all day and night makes me think differently.

I am normally an intelligent person, I'm sorry for pointing stuff out that sounds so obvious ☹ just needed opinions really. I know you are all correct.

@Pinotgrigio33

You are all right of course ☹ it's refreshing to read I'm not going mad. I wasn't sure if the opinion would be I have no right to comment, but after a year surely I do!!

Half of me thinks I don't as in reality 2 dates but then calls all day and night makes me think differently.

I am normally an intelligent person, I'm sorry for pointing stuff out that sounds so obvious ☹ just needed opinions really. I know you are all correct.

So what's your plan?

You're still going around in circles debating what rights / boundaries / expectations you have or deserve to avoid the simple, basic question.

Are you going to go no contact?

You need to move on. This is going nowhere.

He’s not that bothered, and doesn’t have to make any effort because you’re running after him. Bin him off and find a new man . It’s always good if they prioritise kids, but he needs boundaries and a backbone!

I do deserve better.....it's so obvious reading all your replies. Thank you all.

I'm going to stick to my original plan...I want to see if he has a child free night at the weekend which he should do. If he does and doesn't suggest meeting I'm going to finish it next Monday.

It’s like so so so many other posters have said he just doesn’t see you or feel about you ,the way you feel about him . Sorry not trying to be mean here . If he really was sincerely interested in being in a proper committed relationship with you , he would be . You say maybe he’s lazy . If he really wants you he wouldn’t be lazy like this , if he was then really it’s a no go anyway , think how many times he’d let you down .
Go out , starting making connections with other men , have fun . Don’t feel guilty for Christ’s sake . What have you got to feel guilty about ? Not sitting at home waiting for a wet Willy to let you down again , so you can sit at home feeling sad and confused ?
Leave him to it and go and find someone who wants you as much as you want them .
Who knows , seeing you move on , if he is as interested as he leads you to believe , should spur him into action .

I don't know why I feel guilty...because of how he's come off dating sites and says he can't wait to see me 😬

You are completely right though....I'm actually really angry now. With myself as well..

Oh he's can to date you but only as and when suits him, his ex and the kids...

Basically you're his time filler that will provide emotional support and sex without demanding anything from him...

He's a user, a very "nice" one but a self centred utterly selfish and spineless user.

Thanks random it does appear that way.

What a mug I am!

It IS that way, look at his ACTIONS not his words, ignore what he has said and the sob stories - what does he DO.

So it’s Wednesday op, has he suggested anything for the weekend? I’m guessing when he blew you out this weekend he didn’t immediately say but let’s re arrange and do next weekend, right?

Nothing yet. He won't know if he has night off yet....usual story.

It's just nonsense isn't it...when this weekend has been and gone I'm done.

And no he won't rearrange...just says he wants to see me but doesn't know when.

Write down all the times he has let you down . All the dates you had planned he cancelled at the last minute . All the pathetic excuses . Number them , make them clear and simple .
Next time he calls you , and arranges another date that 99% won’t happen ,look through that list . Look at it while he’s busy chatting shit to you . He tells you he can’t wait to see you but it’s words , nothing more . He has chances to see you , lots of them , but he doesn’t act on them , so he doesn’t want to see you that much . I promise I’m not trying to hurt you , I just get so mad at the amount of people that happily lead others on . You only have one life , it’s unacceptable to make other people believe they could have something with you , knowing they put their lives on hold when all the time they know that isn’t the truth
He’s nice , as Random says , but he’s not that nice . He knows you are invested and he knows his messing about is hurting you .
Honestly, when we like someone it’s natural that if they just give us enough to hope , then we do just that , hope .
Enough is enough now tho , time to get on with your life and not waste any more time on this man . Because that’s what is happening , he’s wasting your precious time.

Thank you I will write stuff down ☹ I really appreciate the help and advice x I'm going to make a list.

The worst thing is I feel like he's doing it on purpose sometimes..he always tells me if he has a night free but then won't ask to see me. Or else he just doesn't think...he must know it annoys me. No one is that stupid.

He literally doesn't care, he likes you for your emotional support but he's just not into you is he???

When someone comes along that he is into he will make time for them!! Probably still keeping dangling to use for emotional support whilst dating and having sex with someone else.

He is NOT nice.

You see OP, the problem here is you, I think you should take time out of dating for a while and work on yourself. The way you've latched into this man and accepted his crumbs says alot about your frame of mind. It's not good, and that's your problem, not his. This guy should of been a non-event a year ago, but you've chosen to keep it going - you need to think about why you have done that.
It takes 2 to have a conversation, doesn't matter that he contacts you, you perpetuate the conversation.
Just block him, you owe him nothing, you should not feel guilty as it really is ok to block him without explanation in this situation.

Have I understood correctly that you’ve been chatting/messaging for a year but you only saw him twice? Is that right?

I had a similar problem when me and my boyfriend first got together. He was very much like this. I have kids myself so I did understand to an extent, but I started to feel as though I wasn't a priority and I got fed up, so I told him. He actually did change his ways, he started to make proper plans with me, he started saying no to his ex. I never wanted to come above his kids, but I do believe you can have more than one priority in your life. He occasionally does slip up now a year on, and will swap a night with the ex and not tell me, but it's rare and it's simply because he's so laid back and now I've met his kids it's not an issue really.

Talk to him. He should be capable of being a good parent, at the same time as meeting someone new and seeing that person regularly.

Even if it was true that his ex would kick off big time if he got a babysitter, what is he worried that she's actually going to do? The usual concern is that access to the DC will be blocked/they'll be alienated against him but as he already has majority care of his kids that doesn't apply. She's clearly not interested in being the resident parent so he doesn't need to worry about her going for custody. She doesn't pay him child support so it's not that he'll be left short of funds if he puts his foot down. In fact he holds ALL the cards in their dynamic so what exactly is he scared of?!

It's all a big crock of BS excuses and you're a fool to believe him.

There's a very true saying in life People treat you how you let them

Over time, you have shown him by still being in the relationship, that the way he behaves towards you putting in little effort and cancelling last minute are okay with you.

You may pull him up now and again, but actions speak let them words.

I can repeatedly say I dislike chicken... but if I continue to eat it, you really wouldn't believe me would you? Your words to him, do not match your actions... which is the same as his words to you. They're meaningless.

He knows that treating you at he does may not make you happy... but he also sees that it isn't a dealbreaker to you.

If I was in a relationship abd kept on doing or not doing something the other person didn't like... and they stayed with me anyway... the message I hear... is that they are willing to put up with my behaviour...either because it first bother them as much as they say...or because they cannot bear to end the relationship with me... and the latter puts me in a position of power.

This is not an equal relationship.

Another phrase you may want to hold onto is...
The person who cares the least, holds the most power

The above is usually used in reference to the single OW having an affair with a MM and agonising over why he won't leave his wife for her, after always saying how much he loves the OW...

Don't allow yourself to be played like a violin.

Look OP, when you meet a man who is right for you it should be easy. Not all this angst and stress. Just a nice and relaxed relationship with someone eager to see you, who puts you first.

Bin this guy off and don’t settle for less than the above. You are wasting your life and brain cells on this user.

In answer to the questions we did start chatting a year ago. We both agreed too far away but kept in touch. Before lockdown we met up then lockdown happened. Issues been since then.

I have no idea why he is scared of the ex....they still jointly own the home ( but live apart) so as it's half her home she won't allow babysitters!

It's all crazy I know.