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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Him or his ex

339 replies

Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 18:22

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 07/09/2020 00:54

Haven't read the whole thread, crikey op.

Just don't contact.

Or reply once a week.

If you tell him you're upset, he'll probably just say you were only friends.

He's not a good un

sunnydays78 · 07/09/2020 06:18

I agree with @user1481840227.

He already knows! You think this is more than what he does. If he thought of you in the same way he wouldn’t treat you this way.
I think he likes the idea that someone is there that wants him. It’s a comforting thought, isn’t it. She wants me so anytime I feel a bit lonely I can call or message. You answer and fill that need. But..... he doesn’t want you enough to treat you with respect and make you a priority in his life.
I’m in a relationship and I have kids. Yes, there are times that I need to change plans, but more often than not I stick to our plans because while my children will always come first I prioritise my relationship too. I want a relationship I love my partner so he deserves the time and effort and quite frankly so do I.
Like I’ve said before if he wanted to see you he would. It really is that simple.
I honestly wouldn’t be there answering his calls and chatting away. Op you should ready Mathew Husseys get the guy. The book opened my mind to how I act and behave and the signals it sends to people. Worth the read.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:22

Quick update....

So he's been calling me all the time, sent me some flowers etc BUT the issue really is his ex! ( well him for not standing upto her).

He won't commit to meet as she can't cope with the kids....scared he will get called back. I said fuck her off and get a babysitter....can't do that as ex with go mental as doesn't like other people looking after her kids.

I honestly think he does like me but she comes first...and he dare not upset her. I can't cope with this.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2020 19:29

Well it's his choice to let his ex control and manipulate him. I would suggest that he goes to counselling.

I wouldn't get back with him because this will continue for the rest of your life even when they are fully grown adults...

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:34

It's not my place to comment...but I have given advice he won't take it.

He's terrified of her for some reason. It is true about the house buying etc...never seen anything like it. He says he's doing it to keep things calm with the kids but it's going too far when he won't even get a babysitter with fear of upsetting her...even though she isn't there.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 08/09/2020 19:37

I honestly think he does like me but she comes first...and he dare not upset her. I can't cope with this.

ALL women dealing with men like that convince themselves that he honestly does like them...BUT...(and then come up with some kind of explanation in their head to explain what is coming between them).

That's how everyone ends up in those situations and stays in them.
They are given breadcrumbs and cling to them as proof that he likes them.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:41

I honestly think he does. As much as he slates her I do wonder if he's still interested. He said to me she said" I'm never getting back with you". I said oh what did you reply...he said nothing not worth it.

She must have that idea from somewhere though??? And why not put her straight?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 08/09/2020 19:42

@Pinotgrigio33

It's not my place to comment...but I have given advice he won't take it.

He's terrified of her for some reason. It is true about the house buying etc...never seen anything like it. He says he's doing it to keep things calm with the kids but it's going too far when he won't even get a babysitter with fear of upsetting her...even though she isn't there.

He's terrified of her for some reason. It is true about the house buying etc...never seen anything like it. He says he's doing it to keep things calm with the kids but it's going too far when he won't even get a babysitter with fear of upsetting her...even though she isn't there.

You only know what he's saying or trying to make you believe.
Have you got any evidence of any of that apart from what he is telling you?

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:43

I think I'm going to have to give some sort of ultimatum...which never ends well I know...but it's getting ridiculous

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:44

Yes they are apart....he calls me every evening etc.....

They split houses and he sends pics of where he is etc. I'm confident they are apart but not confident he doesn't want to get back. He is adamant not but he won't live his life incase he upsets her

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:46

If I say anything it's all about the kids.....

OP posts:
user12642379742146 · 08/09/2020 19:46

For goodness sake

newnameforthis123 · 08/09/2020 19:47

Omg the fact you're even having conversations like this, in this much depth, with this much angst, taking up this much headspace already is fucking mental OP! Sorry but you're wasting precious time.

You are NEVER going to be in a healthy, happy relationship with this man.

It doesn't even matter why. It could be because of him / his ex / his pet / his bloody gardener! You're not going to be happy and healthy with him.

Fuck. It. Off.

Why aren't you ending it?

kidsdrivingmemad · 08/09/2020 19:48

So your second best to his ex's needs and your quite happy for this to continue? Just end it now.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:49

So...do I end this or at least say what the issue is and give him a chance to do something about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:50

As I've been quite passive upto now

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2020 19:52

He won't ever change! You will be miserable, if you had kids they would be second to his ex wife...

user1481840227 · 08/09/2020 19:53

@Pinotgrigio33

So...do I end this or at least say what the issue is and give him a chance to do something about it?
He knows what the issue is.
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 19:58

Yes user he does. Keeps saying how much he wants to see me but can't commit when. Makes out it's because he's a great dad..it isn't...it's because he's terrified of her.

I'm so angry....not sure what would happen if I I pointed out. On the flip side though we aren't in a relationship so do I have the right to comment?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 08/09/2020 20:01

No..again I must point out that you are making the assumption that he's terrified of her, because you're looking for an excuse or explanation as to why he is treating you this way.
You don't know that.

Yes you have a right to comment when people treat you like shit even if you're not in a relationship with them. He won't care though and it won't change anything. It is coming across that you want to say your piece just because he might not know...and then that will suddenly change him. It won't.

newnameforthis123 · 08/09/2020 20:03

But change what?! He's not going to suddenly put you first and quite frankly if his situation works for him and the kids now then he has no obligation to do so, just as you have no obligation to stick around.

You are NOT going to be in a happy healthy relationship with him.

I don't understand why you can't just say it isn't working, you think it's best to have a clean break so you're going to block him to make that easier for you both and you wish him all the best.

Then do it and go live your life!!!

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 20:04

I know it won't user I do really appreciate your comments thank you.
He calls me so much though whinging on about her making himself out to be the victim.. but won't do anything about it.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
kidsdrivingmemad · 08/09/2020 20:06

Come on OP where's your self respect you deserve better.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 08/09/2020 20:06

I find that hard to say as I obviously have feelings for him ☹ even though I can see it's not right.

I think I'm a nice person and have had him calling me almost in tears that I feel sorry for him and try to help.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 08/09/2020 20:11

It is for the best that you end it.
Everyone is telling you the same thing.

They go for the nice people who put up with their shit...and who pity them and feel sorry for them and use that to their advantage to get away with their behaviour.

There's probably tens of thousands of men right now pulling the exact same shit on other women. It's not unusual. You'd find another guy like him in a minute. You don't want a guy like him though because it won't have a happy ending.

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