Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really fucking annoyed

296 replies

Diabetes123 · 30/08/2020 23:04

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Diabetes123 · 31/08/2020 11:46

I accept everyone’s responses thank you and maybe yes I shouldn’t have asked the question but quite honestly I still do not understand why people find it so difficult to talk about their income what is the issue?

I personally couldn’t care a less if people want to know how much I earn I have no problem with it and I did actually tell the sons gf how much I care out with.

I can’t imagine that I’m the only person in this big wide world that have asked somebody this question?????

OP posts:
category12 · 31/08/2020 11:46

I do not appreciate being told what I can and what I can’t say. I could put more context behind this because he does this a lot which is why lost it last night

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. He was right on this occasion. I'd have more respect for you if you held your hands up and said, "yeah what I asked was inappropriate and impolite, but do you think our relationship has a problem here".

Ignomen · 31/08/2020 11:49

quite honestly I still do not understand why people find it so difficult to talk about their income what is the issue?

I personally couldn’t care a less if people want to know how much I earn I have no problem with it and I did actually tell the sons gf how much I care out with.

I can’t imagine that I’m the only person in this big wide world that have asked somebody this question?????

You can't see that while being a generation older and almost certainly more prosperous, asking your friends' son's (presumably quite young) girlfriend who works in a notoriously ill-paid job is pretty obnoxious?

Original poster
Diabetes123 · 31/08/2020 11:54

More prosperous 😂 you obviously don’t know how poorly nurses are paid!

I’m getting the impression that the individuals commenting on this thread work in the education sector.......

It’s seems to be the only reason they would be so negatively opinionated.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 11:58

ultimately yes if someone knows what jo you do they could just google how much the salary is so why would you be offended by telling them yourself or saying actually I would rather not answer that question!

Lots of people would've felt unable to say no, or be very uncomfortable being asked. That's without the girlfriend, her boyfriend's parents being present, having been taken to visit their friend etc situation.

Did you never hear anyone say it's rude to ask what someone earns in your life?

This is what I would do if I were you (aside from the real world situation, where you would be best to apologize to your husband for telling him to shut up and ideally find a way of apologize to the GF, say you were pissed etc.)

If you want (as is presumably the point of this post) to discuss how your husband treats you, you could try again this way.

Name change.
Make a thread not mentioning this one, and give different examples of him acting in a way you dislike. Really think through these examples, think whether they make you look bad rather than him etc, so you don't have the same problems turn up in that thread as this.

Most posters will support you if you give incontrovertible examples.

EmilySpinach · 31/08/2020 12:00

The majority of TAs are on term-time contracts and earn on average about £13k, OP.

tornadoalley · 31/08/2020 12:00

@NextOnesaGreyGoose. If you read the OPs last post you will understand why people have repeated the bleeding obvious a hundred times.

The OP just isn’t hearing them!

Completely oblivious and single minded in her rightness and listening to no one. No wonder the marriage needed a break. It’s not the DH who is the issue here, but the stone deaf OP

gobbynorthernbird · 31/08/2020 12:01

Not only were you rude to your guest, you're being rude to posters here.

Fluffybutter · 31/08/2020 12:03

I have never asked anyone how much they’re being paid apart from my own son.
You had no right to ask that question and your husband was right .

JamieLeeCurtains · 31/08/2020 12:04

This is like a sit com character who doesn't know how to stop being rude.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 12:05

@tornadoalley

I posted before the OP posted a second time, so my opinion still stands on people piling on. Although I get your point.

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 12:07

More prosperous 😂 you obviously don’t know how poorly nurses are paid!

@Diabetes123 You earn probably twice what she earns if you've been nursing for a while. Certainly you are richer than her. 'More prosperous' just means richer. You are better off financially than her. That is just a fact.

No, I don't think most posters in this thread work in education. We just know that this is not ok to say, which most people know from a very early age.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 31/08/2020 12:08

It doesn't matter whether or not you mind someone knowing your salary. It isn't about you. It's about the other person.

ThanksItHasPockets · 31/08/2020 12:08

Band 5 nurses started on £24,214 last year but I’m guessing you’re quite a bit higher than that.
Newly qualified teachers (ie NOT TAs) generally start on M1, which last year was £24,373. As a PP said TAs might have a headline salary of circa £17k but as a PP has said on a term-time only contract that will be more like £13k.

HoppingPavlova · 31/08/2020 12:10

I accept everyone’s responses thank you and maybe yes I shouldn’t have asked the question but quite honestly I still do not understand why people find it so difficult to talk about their income what is the issue?
Seriously, you don’t understand. You don’t understand why people in poorly paid jobs may not want to broadcast their income for all and sundry?

I personally couldn’t care a less if people want to know how much I earn I have no problem with it and I did actually tell the sons gf how much I care out with.
And I’m guessing you come out with more than she does. So well done you. Bet she felt great after hearing this in front of a group of strangers. Here’s a news flash, not everyone feels the same as you, don’t presume they do.

I can’t imagine that I’m the only person in this big wide world that have asked somebody this question?????
No, I’m sure there have been other socially inappropriate people who have done this before you. Why you would want to add yourself to this count is extremely perplexing and signals something amiss with you.

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 12:12

It was still rude and you doubling down doesn’t help.

LEELULUMPKIN · 31/08/2020 12:21

I'm interested to know OP what exactly the fact that most people would never dream of being so rude and crass to ask someone how much they earn says about society?

To me it says that the majority of people mind their own business and do not feel entitled to be so bloody nosey.

I think you are uncomfortable because your question and responses to it say way more about you than the rest of "society".

FenellaVelour · 31/08/2020 12:28

I earned about 10p an hour over minimum wage when I was a TA, so yes nurses earn considerably more. The fact you are scoffing over people saying you’re more prosperous (which you are) tells me all I need to know, if I didn’t know already.

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 12:29

You’re more prosperous than many many people you know op.

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 12:30

And as a qualified nurse you have options for work that many many others don’t have.

luckylavender · 31/08/2020 12:32

I think that's terribly rude. And also as it's public Sector, if you to know you could find out the bands. I would be very put out if you asked me that.

Alonelonelyloner · 31/08/2020 12:45

I can't believe a Briton would ask just an impertinent question of someone they don't even really know.

Rude AF. For better or worse, culturally, it's just one of those not done things. Maybe this will change. Maybe not.

I would've done something similar to what your husband did to defuse the awfulness.

Littlepaws18 · 31/08/2020 12:46

You are a nightmare! Unreflective, martyr complex. Everyone else in the world is to blame for your own actions, even the whole teaching profession!

Your poor husband- bet he's regretting not making that 4 month break a little longer!

Thisisnotnormal69 · 31/08/2020 12:48

This is getting a bit hmmmmmmm now!

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 12:49

I can’t believe you came back and then stated folks must work in eduction. I’m honestly cringing for you.

I’m actually feeling sorry for your husband.

Everyone knows it’s rude to ask someone their salary like you did. It’s a private thing. You know full well you were being rude and insensitive, And then to tell your husband to shut up when he tried to stop you, to blame your marriage breakdown on your child. and now you’re on here insulting folks.

Honestly as cringe as it gets.