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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really fucking annoyed

296 replies

Diabetes123 · 30/08/2020 23:04

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

OP posts:
Ori82 · 31/08/2020 09:57

Hmmmmm........I tend to steer clear of the whole subject of money; even with good friends I’ve known for years I wouldn’t ask them what they earn.

I’ve got a vague idea but it’s none of my business. I’m not sure why you would ask someone you’ve never met before......I think this is very forthcoming & not socially polite TBH. It’s not the kind of question you should be asking in a group either, as it puts said person under an obligation to reply, even though they may not wish to disclose such intimate details.

And to tell your DH to shut up in front of guests! This made me cringe when I read it! Sorry but this is bad behaviour on your part. If I had been your guests I would have been highly embarrassed. Where do you go from there to salvage a nice relaxing evening?

If I were in your DH’s shoes I would be angry and disappointed. If my DH told me to shut up in a social setting it would leave me wondering how much he respected me in the first place.

Time for some self-reflection OP.

Littlepaws18 · 31/08/2020 10:01

Asking that question was rude, I probably would have done exactly what your husband did. He wasn't being domineering he was trying to save the poor gf from divulging personal information in a public space. I can also understand that you felt chastised but you were in the wrong here, go and talk to your husband and make up!

Russellbrandshair · 31/08/2020 10:06

You were rude AF. I can’t imagine asking someone how much they earn- that’s incredibly fcking rude and I would have shut you down and told you it’s none of your damn business.

Your rocky relationship with your h is irrelevant here- you were rude and in the wrong.

Geronimorlassie · 31/08/2020 10:08

Think OP is not at all happy with the responses she is getting. Hopefully she will learn from this though.

madcatladyforever · 31/08/2020 10:09

Its I credibly rude asking people what they earn. I'd refuse to answer a question like that.

Mischance · 31/08/2020 10:15

Well, the problem began by you asking a totally inappropriate question. What was he to do? Ignore it and discuss it later? - I am sure that you would have been equally annoyed by that. Telling him to shut up when he is right is bound to cause resentment. I suggest you apologise.

Notmoresugar · 31/08/2020 10:16

I Presume alcohol played its part in this?
You put a young guest in an embarrassing on the spot position.
This was also in your home (your territory) which is really rude.
Then you told your DH to shut up.
Have you ever considered that maybe you have a dominating personality too?

category12 · 31/08/2020 10:17

Think OP is not at all happy with the responses she is getting

I think op is probably sleeping off a hangover.

BlueJag · 31/08/2020 10:20

@JulesCobb rude just like you. It happens.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 31/08/2020 10:24

You asked someone you just met how much they earn?

LOLOL you really need to work on your social skills!

Everyone knows thats a totally inappropriate thing to ask someone. I dont think I'd even ask my best friends that unless it was in the context of a very specific conversation about salaries.

You need to address how you come across to people because if you continue to blurt out insensitive crap like that you'll end up with a reputation for being the "annoying one" in every group who never gets asked out to any events because they embarrass people.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 31/08/2020 10:30

@PyongyangKipperbang

And "YOU WERE SO RUDE!!" is why women are still victims of pay inequality.

Its not rude to ask. Its not rude to say "I would rather not discuss my earnings". Everyone is entitled to say what they are comfortable with.

I would say "Do you mind if I ask? What sort of pay bracket are you in?" but I would only word it like that because of the prissyness shown on here.

If there was more openess about earnings, we would not be shit all over as we would demand what we are worth!

Bollocks. Drunkenly embarrassing your son's girlfriend in front of dinner guests is doing fck all to "help gender inequality". What a load of utter rubbish.

If you really want to do something to help lessen the pay gap then lobby your MP, sign petitions, join feminist social change groups and take actual political action that will effect social change rather than excusing your embarrassing and rude dinner party behaviour as some kind of misguided attempt at correcting social injustice. I think ive heard it all now! 😆

AntiHop · 31/08/2020 10:31

You were rude to your guest and your husband.

MintyMabel · 31/08/2020 10:57

You were rude to ask. Bloke was rude, you were rude back to him.

Perhaps learn some manners.

MintyMabel · 31/08/2020 10:58

And "YOU WERE SO RUDE!!" is why women are still victims of pay inequality.

Bullshit. It would be rude to ask a man this question too.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 31/08/2020 11:06

I sometimes ask people how much they earn if it is relevant and we are alone. And even then I ask 'whats the pay like? That way they could say 'Its low/fine/good.

The way you asked was really rude. And then telling your husband to shit up was even worse. You owe both of them an apology.

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 11:13

Wow I hadn't registered that it was the GF of your friend's son. That's even worse. Were you trying to make your friends think badly of her? Confused

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 11:25

@tornadoalley

I accept they are not a hive mind but I would expect them to at least read all of the OPs posts (one in this case), look at the fact there are at present 191 responses and have the intelligence to work out maybe they are all saying the same thing. It's about thinking about another voice being negative at this stage is, to my mind, kicking the boot in too far. It's starting to be a really nasty thread and its not what Mumsnet is here for. This is my opinion and I'm entitled to it, thank you.

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 11:29

Like other PP's said, at least until recently, I wouldn't have felt comfortable saying I wouldn't answer it, either. Especially as a younger person with her boyfriend and prospective in-laws present, being taken to visit their friend.

Do you enjoy making people uncomfortable?

Original poster
Diabetes123 · 31/08/2020 11:31

Lol curious about samphire

Get your heads out of your backsides people because ultimately yes if someone knows what jo you do they could just google how much the salary is so why would you be offended by telling them yourself or saying actually I would rather not answer that question!

And yes my husband is not my gatekeeper and does not get the right to tell me/interject on something that didn’t affect him and actually he could have waited until our guests had gone and then said something but I do not appreciate being told what I can and what I can’t say. I could put more context behind this because he does this a lot which is why lost it last night because quite frankly he says things to people/work colleagues/sales people and I may cringe but I don’t undermine him. As far as I’m concerned nobody has the right to tell you what you can and can’t ask ie trying to stifle/undermine you.

And just for the record anybody who knows my knows I would never ever judge belittle or embarrass anyone purposely.

I’m really shocked that so many of you find this question so rude says a lot about the society that we are living in in my opinion

OP posts:
PimlicoJo · 31/08/2020 11:33

I haven't changed my view. You're still rude, and I don't need to get my head out of my backside.

EmilySpinach · 31/08/2020 11:34

I’m really shocked that so many of you find this question so rude says a lot about the society that we are living in in my opinion

Would you have asked her if she hopes to marry her boyfriend? Her plans to have children? Whether she has any debt?

Farlow · 31/08/2020 11:36

@Diabetes123 how much do you earn?

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 11:38

Op what’s the point of this? You asked what you’ve done wrong. The over whelming Majority of people have told you it’s rude to ask someone their salary, particularly someone you don’t know well and in company. And then it’s also rude to tell someone to shut up when challenged on your behaviour.

You’re adamant it’s not and you’ve done nothing wrong. So what’s the point of asking. Just keep doing you and blaming everyone else. Your husband, your daughter, who ever. Just don’t ask.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 11:41

And yes my husband is not my gatekeeper and does not get the right to tell me/interject on something that didn’t affect him

Yeah he does, as did everyone else in that room when listening to you being rude to a guest. Everyone has the right to call out poor behaviour.

year5teacher · 31/08/2020 11:41

This is made even worse by the fact that TAs are woefully underpaid and I bet she was really embarrassed having to say that in front of people she’d just met. So gross. And you’re unable to tolerate anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Great 👍