Does anyone else end up being the "leader" in the family/have a DH that just isn't interested in anything

[Oshywoshy]

I feel really bad about posting this because DH is so lovely. He is the kindest man, brilliant with the kids, we are 50/50 with housework, he really pulls his weight around the house, works hard. I love him so much, but as he's got older, and after we've had our second child, this has really started to get to me

He doesn't seem to have any hobbies or interests anymore. I totally get this is a double edged sword, after reading "his hobby" posts on MN, but he's like the opposite of the obsessed cyclists. I have bought him equipment for a hobby he used to do which he said he wanted to start up again, he expressed interest in learning to play guitar so I bought him one as a present, that sort of thing - it just gathers dust in the corner. The only thing he does in the evening is sit on the sofa Googling information about a band he likes/recent movie releases. That's his hobby I suppose.

He never suggests we go anywhere - it's always me. He will do his share of the work in organising a day out - organising the picnic, getting the children ready - but it's always me saying "let's do X this weekend", booking the activity, researching the activity - and to be honest although he enjoys himself when out, he'd be just as happy when at home. Last week a local forest Park was doing free entry. I found this out on the Thursday and said "oh let's go this Saturday" and he just looked stunned and went "THIS Saturday?" as if three days was nowhere near enough time to prepare for a 10 mile trip to a forest for a walk.

He doesn't drive either-this hasn't entirely been his fault. I do, and to be honest it's been fine for most of our time together, but this last while I've been asking him to look into it again and he hasn't.

His job is OK but not great- he has been talking about doing something else for years but has made zero effort.

He has always had problems with sex- a medical issue had made it difficult for him at times, but he just doesn't seem to be bothered about it. There are things he could do to help but he doesn't. I talk to him about it and he is apologetic and feels awful, things improve for a while, then it's back to the usual. He rarely initiates. He is more than happy to spend lots of time making sure I am taken care of sexually, will spend ages focusing on me in ways that aren't PIV basically, but it's not spontaneous on his part, he rarely initiates and never, you know, grabs me for a good shag. He genuinely is happy to bring me pleasure, but I basically feel like I have to submit a written request rather than it starting organically.

I feel like I'm being horrible about him, when he is the loveliest man and I adore him. It just feels like there's something missing, a certain amount of "go" - but yet it's not quite that either, because he is far from lazy and when for instance we bought our house, he dealt with most of that as I was pregnant and highly stressed at the time.

I just feel that there's something about him that either is missing or that I'm missing. He does get quite anxious, and his family are a bit odd - they don't really do anything either,but yet they used to when he was a child- they were deeply involved in a local sports team, travelled all round with it. He barely remembers his childhood though - that's another thing, his memory is shocking. He is intelligent and university educated, but seems to have so little curiosity about the world and never wants to do anything different. If it wasn't for me, I don't think he'd do anything but go to work and come home.

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because as he gets older it becomes more marked and I have noticed a slight resistance creeping in (reaction to the forest Park) whereas before he'd just go along with the plans happily but wouldn't suggest them himself. Also as we've had a family, sometimes I'm emotionally drained and would just like him to go "right, hop in the car, we're going to X place and will stop off at Y for food on the way back" but covid aside I don't think this will ever happen.

Can anyone relate to this? It's really hard to describe, and I know I sound like a princess, but it really is starting to impact on how I feel

I’ve got a husband like this and I didn’t realise how bad it was when the kids were little as he worked away a lot and had a high pressured job so I just had to get on and do it. However the last 5 years he has worked from home except for a few business trips away and I have finally had my eyes open to the dynamics . The kids are young adults now and he never suggests doing anything . He would rather play all day on his PlayStation. It’s draining emotionally and mentally but I have dealt with it by focussing on what I want to do and it’s upto him if he wants to join me. If covid hadn’t happened I would have left by now.
You have a choice to accept that’s the man he is and that he won’t change. You will have to change how your are. Big hugs

This is called the mental load

I don't think you sound like a princess but I don't think there's anything wrong with him either. It just sounds like that's his personality. I completely relate to the "this saturday" thing though because I hate to be "surprised" due to anxiety and need a lot of notice to feel comfortable with things.

Can't you just talk openly and come to a compromise on which things are most important? I think you need to give up on the idea of a personality transplant that turns him into someone spontaneous. But that doesn't mean you can't compromise on the things that are most important to you.

I would

1. focus on fixing the sexual stuff. Don't make a big negative deal about it. I would sit down and work out how you can solve it together.

2. Try and regularise your outings. Maybe have a standing date for events. So you know in advance that 2x a month you go out on Saturday day time and look for events within that time period. Maybe with more structure, he'll feel happier to participate.

And Stop buying him things to force the hobby stuff. It feels passive aggressive.

Oh I forgot to say: don't rule out depression. A really bad memory along with muted emotions can be a sign of depression.

I am the decision maker and I like it that way.

I am your husband in our relationship. Absolutely. I have energy to do my work, pull my weight and I will always 'be there' when any of my family need me , but my default is relaxing, reading, looking up rubbish in the internet and watching TV. I feel like I have an underlying low level depression almost but I haven't been able to shake it for years. The only thing that made a difference in over twenty years of trying was going to dance classes at the gym. It made me much more energetic, also music playing in the house makes me feel better. With the dance classes being cancelled I've tried to keep it up at home but I've fallen back into my old ways. It's my default.

My husband is off right now on a three hour cycle. I'm lying in bed reading Mumsnet! I will get up to spend the afternoon together but he's planned it and I will go along, but like your husband be equally happy at home.

I really wish I wasn't like this and I will once again make an effort to be more energetic but I'm starting to think it's just who I am? And maybe it's who your husband is too? I'm sorry I can't be more help.

Yes, it is his personality and I know he isn't wrong. I have left things like the organising of days out for ages, to see if giving him space/not taking control myself motivates him to fill the gap, but it doesn't. All that ends up is we go nowhere and do nothing,and he's perfectly happy. I am actually quite a low maintenance home body, and I love a weekend pottering around the house and garden, but not EVERY weekend. The things we do (which I organise) aren't anything crazy either - a walk around the national trust and a picnic, or a trip to the museum.

Depression- I don't know. I don't think so- he doesn't have any signs of being classically depressed, however he was on antidepressants years ago, before we met, as a result of a very traumatic bereavement. He can be quite anxious, which does stem from that I believe. I don't think he actually feels depressed, or unhappy though.

To be honest, I think he'd feel a lot happier if he actually did something for himself. He works, comes home, looks at a screen in his down time,does more than his fair share with the house and kids, but rarely does anything just for him,and I think he needs to. He doesn't have many friends, and it'll take him weeks, if not months, to arrange to meet one for a quick pint or something, and that's as far as it goes.

The other thing is that I feel that it's pushing me into a position where I am the family organiser, leader, disciplinarian, decider. His family have started making jokes about me wearing the trousers, being hard work, DH having to check with "the boss", that sort of thing, which I really hate, because although I'm no shrinking violet and never have been, in relationships I don't particularly want to be the dominant "in charge" one all the time - in fact sometimes I'd much prefer not to be. I prefer an equal partnership where each plays to their strengths, and in fact sexually I err to the side of being more submissive, but again I end up having to intiate/make the decisions/take control in everything from our sex life to what sort of new car we should get. I always, always, discuss it with DH, I try hard not to be overbearing, I always ask for his opinion and listen to it, but 99% of the time all I get back is "I don't mind" or "whatever you like".

Now that I'm sitting down and thinking about it, and I realise this is going to sound 1950s Stepford wife, but I actually feel like I've lost my femininity in a way. His lack of interest in me as a woman (like I said, he is more than happy to please me because he loves me and wants me to be happy but could go for weeks without any sort of intimacy on his own account) then the "wearing the trousers" jokes, plus the fact that I've been getting larger due to sitting with him eating biscuits in the evening because I've felt bad about going for a run/with friends and leaving him with the kids when he never goes out himself (our toddler doesn't sleep very well, so although he encourages me to go out and do what I want, I feel conscious of not taking the piss and leaving him to deal with bonkers toddler all the time)... Ah I don't know. I really am sounding princessy now.

I don't want him to change personality, he is kind and gentle and unselfish and I'd hate for that to change, I suppose I just wish he had a little more of a zest for life or something? I don't know. It makes me sad though, if I am being unfair to him then I need to know where I'm going wrong with my own attitude and how to change it.

I do think you are being unfair to him in many ways. You say that you love so many things about him - he does more than his fair share, is kind, supports you doing whatever you want to do, encourages you to do what you want to do, goes along with whatever you want to do, makes sure that you get enjoyment from sex - yet you criticise him for not wanting to do things that would make him do less of the things that you love him for? If he had hobbies then would he be less available to do more than his share around the home, or go out as a family when you want to at weekends? With the sex side - how do you make someone want it more, or initiate it when they don't want to? Maybe he is giving absolutely everything he can and doesn't have the capacity to give anymore without taking away from another area? Tbh, I don't see how it affects you if he doesn't want to do more for himself, which is what you claim is upsetting you? He wouldn't be doing more for himself if he doesn't want to do it would he? He'd be doing it to make you happy, not him.

NextOnesAGreyGoose that does sound quite like my husband! Though I wouldn't thank you for a three hour bike ride either do you think there's anything particular that has caused any sort of depression/lack of energy?

Yep, I drive everything from deciding on schooling/extra curricular activities for the children, booking holidays, organising days out etc. If I didn't, we'd sit around all day everyday which is what my husband would do given the chance!

It's a double edged sword - it gets very wearing having to organise everything, but on the other hand I'm a control freak and I like being in charge🤷🏻‍♀️

Is there a law that says you have to do things together? Do you have friends you can do things with?

"I like the look of the forest walk, I'm gonna go. Come if you like or I'll go with Jane"

Some people just aren't I treated I. Doing the same things as others. I can close my door on a Saturday afternoon in January and not leave the house again until April, that's just how I am.

The only thing is see issue with is sexual stuff. If he has an issue, says he'll fix it and doesn't, then that's not good and he needs to step up.

EDSGFC yes I take your point.

I think it's just because so much falls on me really, if I want any sort of family life beyond home and work. Nobody in the family would do anything other than that if it wasn't for me organising it. When our eldest wanted to start a hobby it was down to me to sort it all out, DH commented (abd still comments) that it was a lot of work/hassle for them to be going to it (one hour, once a week, five minute walk away)
Then added to that, doing all the driving is starting to become quite a strain on me- DH's work is five minutes walk away but mine is a half hour commute by car and by necessity I have to then do the drop offs and pick ups for childcare. That isn't DH's fault and there's nothing either of us can do about it right now, but I suppose things like that add to how I feel, and yes it is unfair - I just feel that I'm rushing around organising and deciding and DH is just happy to be along for the ride but can't/won't be proactive.

I'm not overly hung up on him doing hobbies, I think it's just symbolic of how he is- that in his free time/downtime, he 100% of the time prefers to do nothing.

Yes mine is very like this too. He does loads around the house - most if the laundry and meals. His only "hobby " really is gardening and he loves pottering to the garden centre, his allotment (5 mins walk away) and the garden at home. He likes to do all this alone. He's been in his element since lockdown. He's in his 50s and has got more like it in the last decade. I suspect some if his elaborate (albeit delicious) meals are something if an excuse not to come out with me and the children. He doesn't even see his best friend or siblings unless they initiate it.

I am the one who organises everything else and makes it happen . Holidays, moving house, renovations, days out, seeing friends. He would cheerfully opt out of most of these anyway but I do insist he joins us sometimes. We are a family and I work full time too so I am not going to be "single parenting" all weekend. Sometimes he enjoys himself; other times I can see he is itching to get home and potter.

In some ways it's ok as I like to be in charge and choose stuff. But other times the mental load gets too me especially as I have (suspected after my sons recent diagnosis) ADD and I really struggle to organise myself and everyone/ everything else. If I moan he says "well don't do it then".

If he organised a day out for us, or even suggested one , I would fall over backwards with shock.

The only thing is see issue with is sexual stuff. If he has an issue, says he'll fix it and doesn't, then that's not good and he needs to step up.

Why though? Where's the line between enthusiastic consent and corrosion here?

I do lots of things with friends, yes, forest walks and all. I'm happy to do that, but yes sometimes I want DH to come too, otherwise it's me running after the kids on a forest walk, plus it's nice to spend time together as a family. Obviously I can leave the kids at home and go on the forest walk with the friend myself, but again that doesn't work long term for every outing - bit unfair on the kids for a start

Neither of you sound wrong.

It just sounds like the incompatibility cracks are starting to show.

Honeylulu yes that sounds similar. Though if DH had any sort of hobby that got him out of the house on his own I'd be shocked! I actually never get to be in the house on my own because of this, apart from brief runs to the local shop he never leaves it except to go to work or to go somewhere with me. We live by the beach and he'd never go a walk along it by himself for example, whereas I do quite frequently.

@Oshywoshy

EDSGFC yes I take your point.

I think it's just because so much falls on me really, if I want any sort of family life beyond home and work. Nobody in the family would do anything other than that if it wasn't for me organising it. When our eldest wanted to start a hobby it was down to me to sort it all out, DH commented (abd still comments) that it was a lot of work/hassle for them to be going to it (one hour, once a week, five minute walk away)
Then added to that, doing all the driving is starting to become quite a strain on me- DH's work is five minutes walk away but mine is a half hour commute by car and by necessity I have to then do the drop offs and pick ups for childcare. That isn't DH's fault and there's nothing either of us can do about it right now, but I suppose things like that add to how I feel, and yes it is unfair - I just feel that I'm rushing around organising and deciding and DH is just happy to be along for the ride but can't/won't be proactive.

I'm not overly hung up on him doing hobbies, I think it's just symbolic of how he is- that in his free time/downtime, he 100% of the time prefers to do nothing.

I think I'd be really looking at how much of that is down to you organising things that you want to do and how much is you organising things that have to be done.

So, if it's things that you want to do, tbh then I think it is down to you to organise.

If it's things that have to be done then they need to be part of the distribution of chores alongside everything else and both of you should be doing your fair share.

I suppose the problem is that it's often a bit of both

The activity for example. I want DC to do it,because it's something they are interested in and I think they'll be happy, but I also think it's part of my job as a parent to encourage my children's social development/interests/talents, so to me the work/organisation around the activity is part of parenting the way buying them new shoes is. DH I don't think sees it that way. He'd pay lip service to it to a point "oh DC is getting so interested in street dance, maybe some day we'll find a club for them to join" but "some day" never arrives.

Yeah, I can see that. Can you look at the big picture though more than individual parts of it?

@EDSGFC

The only thing is see issue with is sexual stuff. If he has an issue, says he'll fix it and doesn't, then that's not good and he needs to step up.

Why though? Where's the line between enthusiastic consent and corrosion here?

It's not about consent or corrosion?? I assume coercion??. It's about an illness needing to be sorted. If he's got an illness, says he'll sort it, doesn't, That's not good.

You're describing a friend of mine down to the 'THIS Saturday!', job dissatisfaction and odd family background, and I would think it was actually him, only he's now divorced, and yes, all he's done since is to go to work, come home and sit on the sofa on his iPad.

You don't sound at all like a princess. I used to really feel for his wife, whom I like she literally initiated everything in the household (in fact she'd proposed to him in the first place, come to think of it, after about seven years of him just drifting along) leader, budgeter, organiser, disciplinarian, chief parent.

I think his narrative now is that she forced him into marriage and children, actually, but from what I know of both of them, he's just a passive, low-energy person who prefers stasis mode, and she fell for the sunk cost fallacy and went for it, because she wanted marriage and children and he wasn't going to ask her.

I think there's anything you can do, OP my friend and his wife did marriage counselling, and he promised to be more 'active' in the household and initiate things, but it always slacked off again. He also talked a lot about how he was going to be difference once the shackles of domesticity were removed (his expression!), and he bought expensive equipment for an old hobby he'd expressed an interest in taking up again, but it's gathering dust, because he'd rather do nothing than do anything. I genuinely think his idea of happiness is settling down on the sofa on a Friday evening, knowing that nothing not the slightest thing like taking the children to the park -- is going to make him get up off it till he needs to go to work again on Monday.

He makes noises about lockdown being tiresome because he can't travel, but in fact he's really loved it, because he has a cast-iron alibi for why he's able to do nothing apart.

And I suppose it's the same for the days out - no child NEEDS to have a revolving variety of weekend activities and places to visit, mine certainly don't, but I think it's important to do some things with them sometimes, whereas if left to DH I think he'd do no things with them no times.

To give an example, his sibling is, I am beginning to see, exactly the same. Except the sibling is married to someone who is an exact match energy wise. So their two children (my DC's cousins) reached late primary without ever visiting the library, the park, soft play, the beach, toddler groups, the museum or the swimming pool, all of which are a five minute walk or short drive from their house. They literally did nothing with the children for years. I thought this was really unusual when I first met bil and sil, but now I wonder if DH would be exactly the same with our DC if I wasn't around

My partner is like that. If DC and I didn‘t exist he would sit on the sofa reading and watching TV exclusively in his spare time.

I don't think you're being princessy at all OP, I would find this really wearing after a while (and also a bit boring). The family comments would really annoy me too! They're blaming you for his passivity.

I agree that it sounds like this is his character and you can't change that, but I think you could focus on a few small things that would make a difference to you. Is it really impossible that he could learn to drive? Maybe you could agree that he's in charge of organising one family outing every 2-3 months? And you could ask him to stand up for you if his family make a comment about you being the boss "oh that's my fault, Oshy has to take charge or nothing would ever get done around here!".