Does anyone else end up being the "leader" in the family/have a DH that just isn't interested in anything

[Oshywoshy]

I feel really bad about posting this because DH is so lovely. He is the kindest man, brilliant with the kids, we are 50/50 with housework, he really pulls his weight around the house, works hard. I love him so much, but as he's got older, and after we've had our second child, this has really started to get to me

He doesn't seem to have any hobbies or interests anymore. I totally get this is a double edged sword, after reading "his hobby" posts on MN, but he's like the opposite of the obsessed cyclists. I have bought him equipment for a hobby he used to do which he said he wanted to start up again, he expressed interest in learning to play guitar so I bought him one as a present, that sort of thing - it just gathers dust in the corner. The only thing he does in the evening is sit on the sofa Googling information about a band he likes/recent movie releases. That's his hobby I suppose.

He never suggests we go anywhere - it's always me. He will do his share of the work in organising a day out - organising the picnic, getting the children ready - but it's always me saying "let's do X this weekend", booking the activity, researching the activity - and to be honest although he enjoys himself when out, he'd be just as happy when at home. Last week a local forest Park was doing free entry. I found this out on the Thursday and said "oh let's go this Saturday" and he just looked stunned and went "THIS Saturday?" as if three days was nowhere near enough time to prepare for a 10 mile trip to a forest for a walk.

He doesn't drive either-this hasn't entirely been his fault. I do, and to be honest it's been fine for most of our time together, but this last while I've been asking him to look into it again and he hasn't.

His job is OK but not great- he has been talking about doing something else for years but has made zero effort.

He has always had problems with sex- a medical issue had made it difficult for him at times, but he just doesn't seem to be bothered about it. There are things he could do to help but he doesn't. I talk to him about it and he is apologetic and feels awful, things improve for a while, then it's back to the usual. He rarely initiates. He is more than happy to spend lots of time making sure I am taken care of sexually, will spend ages focusing on me in ways that aren't PIV basically, but it's not spontaneous on his part, he rarely initiates and never, you know, grabs me for a good shag. He genuinely is happy to bring me pleasure, but I basically feel like I have to submit a written request rather than it starting organically.

I feel like I'm being horrible about him, when he is the loveliest man and I adore him. It just feels like there's something missing, a certain amount of "go" - but yet it's not quite that either, because he is far from lazy and when for instance we bought our house, he dealt with most of that as I was pregnant and highly stressed at the time.

I just feel that there's something about him that either is missing or that I'm missing. He does get quite anxious, and his family are a bit odd - they don't really do anything either,but yet they used to when he was a child- they were deeply involved in a local sports team, travelled all round with it. He barely remembers his childhood though - that's another thing, his memory is shocking. He is intelligent and university educated, but seems to have so little curiosity about the world and never wants to do anything different. If it wasn't for me, I don't think he'd do anything but go to work and come home.

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because as he gets older it becomes more marked and I have noticed a slight resistance creeping in (reaction to the forest Park) whereas before he'd just go along with the plans happily but wouldn't suggest them himself. Also as we've had a family, sometimes I'm emotionally drained and would just like him to go "right, hop in the car, we're going to X place and will stop off at Y for food on the way back" but covid aside I don't think this will ever happen.

Can anyone relate to this? It's really hard to describe, and I know I sound like a princess, but it really is starting to impact on how I feel

I don't know what to suggest other than compromise. We compromise all the time. I read once that a relationship full of compromise means that neither partner is getting what they actually want. I actually disagree. My husband pushes me to do much more than I want to, in terms of new activities, places and people but I am a calming centre of the family as well. I haven't checked out of the emotional support. But that's only been a recent thing that we have reached this level.

You have to discuss this though and be on the same page. We talk about it every day almost. Today we will do this and then we can both have time to do what we want individually... That sort of thing.

I'm thinking back and at one stage I was very much like your husband and for me it just felt like life was just constant hard work and no fun. I was definitely depressed. There's a word for constant low level depression? I will look it up. I went on antidepressants but they were overkill and just made me numb and not care about anything, I tried for over two years, different types and doses so it wasn't for me. The only thing that helped was the dance classes and music. And that happened almost by chance.

Oh and I just had a thought. I was diagnosed with a vitamin D deficiency and that made me much worse for a time? Could that be a possibility? I would get him some vitamins and supplements. Just a multivitamin brand like Wellman to start? My husband and son both use that brand and say it's good.

When I looked it up years ago it was called dysthymia, now it's called persistant depressive disorder. Have a look at that.

he was on antidepressants years ago, before we met, as a result of a very traumatic bereavement

I wonder if this is still affecting him? A friend's DH is like this (actually spookily similar to how you describe your husband and some of the issues you mention). In his case I'd wager that it's down to a bereavement a long time ago, and that so much of his sense of self seems to have been built up around the hole of that bereavement that what's left is a broadly functioning person with an unshakeable sadness at their core.

I'd say that things are likely to get worse as you get older. So (easier said than done) I'd prioritise one issue - sex, lack of planning, lack of driving - and work wih him to identify something that can be done to address it.

Another possibility is ADHD. My passive partner is largely unable to get organized for that reason.

I am absolutely the decision maker in our relationship and the planner. We get married in 6 weeks and he has done NOT ONE THING to help plan this wedding.

Can you just accept him the way he is?

Is the situation actually making you unhappy or are your expectations of what he should be like making you unhappy?

Funny you should mention the ADHD. It has crossed my mind before - in a past job I encountered lots of young people with ADHD and there are some similarities. DH is actually very organised when he does do something, but in an over compensating, incredibly methodical way, which I recognise with some of the young people. Also, half a dozen children of close relatives on his side have been diagnosed with it in the last few years.

Some of the issues do make me genuinely unhappy, yes. The sex I find incredibly difficult. It is important to me and rightly or wrongly, a lot of my self worth in a relationship is caught up in it, plus I have quite a high libido. He is quite sexually inhibited and nervous about his performance, which I've told him time and time again is only one part of sex - but he never attempts to fix things, change things, or suggest anything different. I have to spell everything out exactly most of the time. He can do it though - a few times when we've been away from home, alone in a hotel and shared a bottle of wine it's been a totally different story. He's like a different man. Things have got worse since having children of course - no more long Saturday lie ins or bottles of wine.

I do think the bereavement has had a huge impact- the post about the man who basically has built a life around a deep sadness resonates.

I have actually posted before about DH's family and the incredibly unhealthy way they grieve, even years later, but I won't go into it here because along with this post it will be very outing.

Reading this back, I think the poster who suggested focusing on one issue at a time is right. I can see that I am simply unable to change a lot of this, and he probably is too. Leaving him is simply out of the question and not something I want to do at all, so at some point I will have to accept this is who he is, but there are certain things I am not willing to compromise on long term, and there are certain things he could do to improve it

I think what it boils down to is that he should WANT to improve though, it shouldn't be me wringing my hands and planning talks and encouragement, he should just be DOING it

The low level depression is possible. I don't know. I will ask him. How do I start that conversation? This is the thing though - he doesn't notice- if I start a conversation about depression he'll be totally baffled because we've had a nice weekend haven't we, what am I bringing all this up for? But he doesn't see that I have planned and facilitated the nice weekend, and that it's been weeks since we've had sex, and he's been watching films on his laptop all evening and I feel sad and disconnected

OP, your DH sounds a lot like mine. My DH was recently diagnosed with ADHD and borderline autism - do you think that might be relevant to your DH?

I am in a similar situation and just like you find it hard that the passivity also includes communication, and that if I initiate a discussion there will be no follow up unless I take the lead on that. Does that sound familiar?

Xh was exactly like that. I felt just like you do. We eventually split up because his passivity evolved into utterly shutting down emotionally, and I was incredibly lonely.

It was all due to childhood issues and made worse by the death of a very close friend. After we split he had a breakdown and became alcoholic. I don’t know what’ll happen to him but I think the next decade or so will be sink or swim.

I think you’re heading for a breakup. I’d just encourage you to try everything first eg counselling etc as being a single mum is in many ways completely shit.

Sorry for such a depressing post

So he does 50% of the housework but you do all the household management, all the taxi driving and most of the parenting? That’s not very fair. You have all the mental load.

Clearly he’s not willing to Learn to drive , parent the kids or do any management. So he needs to take on more if not all of the housework to balance it out.

If you want sex or a night out then you need to plan it. Or arrange more social events with friends instead of him.

He’s not going to change his personality now, let’s be realistic.

Hi OP. I posted above about my similar(ish) situation. I'm wondering something else.

Does your husband tend to use a lot of "convenience cards" when he's in charge of the children? By that I mean we have agreed in principle on screen time limits, amount of snacks ect. It's tough to keep them amused sometimes especially in lockdown and it really annoys me that when it's his watch because I'm doing some work, a workout or going shopping he just passes them their tablets and lets them stuff themselves with snacks so he can get back to his newspaper/gardening /phone. Then when he's working I HAVE to take the poor things out somewhere or they'd get no exercise or fresh air. And I'm mean old mummy because I have to say no more tablet/biscuits/ice creams. Sometimes I'd like to chill at home while he takes them out, but he just doesn't (or rarely and usually only if I've insisted).

@Oshywoshy

Funny you should mention the ADHD. It has crossed my mind before - in a past job I encountered lots of young people with ADHD and there are some similarities. DH is actually very organised when he does do something, but in an over compensating, incredibly methodical way, which I recognise with some of the young people. Also, half a dozen children of close relatives on his side have been diagnosed with it in the last few years.

Some of the issues do make me genuinely unhappy, yes. The sex I find incredibly difficult. It is important to me and rightly or wrongly, a lot of my self worth in a relationship is caught up in it, plus I have quite a high libido. He is quite sexually inhibited and nervous about his performance, which I've told him time and time again is only one part of sex - but he never attempts to fix things, change things, or suggest anything different. I have to spell everything out exactly most of the time. He can do it though - a few times when we've been away from home, alone in a hotel and shared a bottle of wine it's been a totally different story. He's like a different man. Things have got worse since having children of course - no more long Saturday lie ins or bottles of wine.

I do think the bereavement has had a huge impact- the post about the man who basically has built a life around a deep sadness resonates.

I have actually posted before about DH's family and the incredibly unhealthy way they grieve, even years later, but I won't go into it here because along with this post it will be very outing.

Reading this back, I think the poster who suggested focusing on one issue at a time is right. I can see that I am simply unable to change a lot of this, and he probably is too. Leaving him is simply out of the question and not something I want to do at all, so at some point I will have to accept this is who he is, but there are certain things I am not willing to compromise on long term, and there are certain things he could do to improve it

I think what it boils down to is that he should WANT to improve though, it shouldn't be me wringing my hands and planning talks and encouragement, he should just be DOING it

Why should he want to improve? Maybe he's happy with how he is and sees it as you being the one who needs to change? It does read like incompatibility rather than him being out and out wrong.

Again with the issue of sex - he shouldn't be doing anything that he doesn't want to do and why should he, or anyone, have to alter themselves to meet the requirements of their partner? You've already said that he makes sure to focus on your pleasure so it's not as though he's only wanting to please himself. Honestly, if a man posted this on here he would be told that he should sort himself out and to stop trying to force his wife to do things she wasn't comfortable with.

I don't know what particular axe you seem to be grinding re the sex thing but possibly I'm not explaining it very well. It's not so much the physical act of sex and how much we do it, it is the lack of interest behind it. I want to have mutually pleasurable sex, not feel like I'm in for a service and he's just keeping me happy.

I hope we're not heading for a break up - that would be terrible for so many reasons and certainly isn't what I want.

I suppose when we have sex I feel like it's something he does because I like it and he likes making me happy. Rather than because he, you know, actually wants me.

SantiagoSky yes to the lack of follow up - lots of positive conversation happens but no subsequent action. He just continues on as before, maybe a few token gestures

Well, the communication being open is a good thing. You should pick one thing (I would focus on the driving). Look to support him in getting his license and hopefully that positive change will lead to another and another. You don't have a lot of options if you want the marriage to continue and I think there are a lot of positive things in your relationship to merit that.

I would look to access counselling for yourself as a way of maybe exploring other ways to meet your needs. Why are you staying in with him and eating biscuits when you want to be out with your friends? You don't need to do that, he's offered to watch the toddler hasn't he? Take him up on that offer.... Maybe a little bit of the problem is you want him to meet all of your needs and feel even more frustrated that he's simply unable to do that?

The problems in your sex life are , in my opinion (and experience), at least partially caused by two factors and that is the fact you have been together for a while now and you have a young family. You are capable of having a good connection in the right circumstances ? Don't stop initiating sex, it can be the beginning of the end when you do that. Out sex life died for a few years in our late thirties but we have it back now. We both have up on it until I had enough and made a concerted effort to bring it back. It happens with a lot of people.

I honestly don't know what to suggest with the sex, I've never felt that I've been serviced, but I have felt like sex is something that my husband has went along with to keep me happy rather than desiring it himself. And I've focused on that he cares about me enough to make the effort. There has , of course, been times in our relationship when I've done the same for him and I've never resented it or him , so I leave it at that.

Try not to overthink things too much with regards to that. If you think about it, a man partaking in sex only to meet his wife's needs must love her very much. I have always tried to think of it in terms more of love than desire at those times. Both equally good.

Have you thought about asking him to arrange a day / a couple of hours as a family or a 'date night' to take the pressure off you organising everything? Maybe he needs a focus for something for you all or as a couple to do together?

@Oshywoshy

I don't know what particular axe you seem to be grinding re the sex thing but possibly I'm not explaining it very well. It's not so much the physical act of sex and how much we do it, it is the lack of interest behind it. I want to have mutually pleasurable sex, not feel like I'm in for a service and he's just keeping me happy.

I hope we're not heading for a break up - that would be terrible for so many reasons and certainly isn't what I want.

I'm really not grinding any axe, it's just how you're describing it - that if he's had a lot to drink he seems more into it, that he doesn't initiate it but you want him to, that he'll make sure that you get pleasure from it but you seem to be wanting him to want more, that you expect him to get treatment for whatever it is that's missing - all of that reads like you want him to do things that he's not really wanting to do.

I suppose when we have sex I feel like it's something he does because I like it and he likes making me happy. Rather than because he, you know, actually wants me.

Which is what I was getting from your descriptions. I don't know the solution to this - no one should have sex that they aren't happy to have. Would he go to counseling? If not, it might be that you have to consider separating if you aren't happy with how things are.

Fair enough, it's not that I'm expecting him to have sex that he's not happy to have, it's more about how that reflects on me. I can't help but think that it's because he doesn't love me and doesn't find me attractive. I don't put him under pressure and I don't moan/pester him- I cringe at the thought - but I feel really useless and ugly and unwanted when we go weeks and he doesn't so much as blink. I've lost a stone in weight recently and bought some really nice semi-fancy underwear to celebrate. I have mentioned nothing about it to him, and he hasn't noticed at all. I accept I've probably got a fucked up concept of male sexuality=my worth going on there, but it's tricky as hell to rise above it emotionally.

I think part of the issue probably is the stage of life that we're at, also the lack of time together. We struggle to find childcare so it's been years since he's seen me in any company that isn't our families. We obviously have different expectations of leisure time - to me, evenings when the children are in bed is the time to fit in all the adult things - TV, film, craft, running, seeing friends, tricky bits of housework, chatting, sex- whereas for him it's very much do nothing time.

The sex thing too... Looking at it as love rather than desire is a good point.

I think I'll ask him to organise a day out too - that's a good idea. It'll be interesting to see if he does it after it's actually been directly asked of him.

I think, emotionally, I just feel a little drained by it all at times. I'm tired, I want the effort to be on his part sometimes.

The driving, the more I think about it, is really niggling at me. I actually feel embarrassed about it at times. Absolutely everyone drives where we live, we aren't toooo far from places and there is (rubbish) public transport, but it's one of those areas where a crap layout makes getting places stupidly awkward. Sometimes I just feel so embarrassed when we're leaving somewhere and I'm getting the kids in and starting the engine and this big bloke, pushing 40, climbs into the passenger side to be chauffeured home. So I think I'll focus on that first

I'm really glad I posted though. I've had some really good advice and it's given me a lot to think about

But he likes not driving because then he doesn't have to do all the taxiing for your children or big food shops or drive on holidays or days out. He likes being chauffeured - why would he change ?

He’s not going to say that of course, because that makes him look like a selfish arse. He’s just going to find excuses. Or agree but not Be able to find an instructor he likes. Or have lots of expensive lessons but fail the test.

OP apologies for saying I think you’re going to break up, I was over-projecting my own situation.

There sounds like a lot of similarities though. With my xh I think it boiled down to issues about masculinity and his relationship with his father. Something about not feeling capable of stepping into that role... he was/is very comfortable with a kind of low-responsibility teenage boy type of lifestyle.

He simultaneously wanted the wife/house/kids/proper job thing, and deep down felt incapable of becoming that person. Hope these ramblings might help a bit