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Original poster

Does anyone else end up being the "leader" in the family/have a DH that just isn't interested in anything

131 replies

Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 10:26

I feel really bad about posting this because DH is so lovely. He is the kindest man, brilliant with the kids, we are 50/50 with housework, he really pulls his weight around the house, works hard. I love him so much, but as he's got older, and after we've had our second child, this has really started to get to me

He doesn't seem to have any hobbies or interests anymore. I totally get this is a double edged sword, after reading "his hobby" posts on MN, but he's like the opposite of the obsessed cyclists. I have bought him equipment for a hobby he used to do which he said he wanted to start up again, he expressed interest in learning to play guitar so I bought him one as a present, that sort of thing - it just gathers dust in the corner. The only thing he does in the evening is sit on the sofa Googling information about a band he likes/recent movie releases. That's his hobby I suppose.

He never suggests we go anywhere - it's always me. He will do his share of the work in organising a day out - organising the picnic, getting the children ready - but it's always me saying "let's do X this weekend", booking the activity, researching the activity - and to be honest although he enjoys himself when out, he'd be just as happy when at home. Last week a local forest Park was doing free entry. I found this out on the Thursday and said "oh let's go this Saturday" and he just looked stunned and went "THIS Saturday?" as if three days was nowhere near enough time to prepare for a 10 mile trip to a forest for a walk.

He doesn't drive either-this hasn't entirely been his fault. I do, and to be honest it's been fine for most of our time together, but this last while I've been asking him to look into it again and he hasn't.

His job is OK but not great- he has been talking about doing something else for years but has made zero effort.

He has always had problems with sex- a medical issue had made it difficult for him at times, but he just doesn't seem to be bothered about it. There are things he could do to help but he doesn't. I talk to him about it and he is apologetic and feels awful, things improve for a while, then it's back to the usual. He rarely initiates. He is more than happy to spend lots of time making sure I am taken care of sexually, will spend ages focusing on me in ways that aren't PIV basically, but it's not spontaneous on his part, he rarely initiates and never, you know, grabs me for a good shag. He genuinely is happy to bring me pleasure, but I basically feel like I have to submit a written request rather than it starting organically.

I feel like I'm being horrible about him, when he is the loveliest man and I adore him. It just feels like there's something missing, a certain amount of "go" - but yet it's not quite that either, because he is far from lazy and when for instance we bought our house, he dealt with most of that as I was pregnant and highly stressed at the time.

I just feel that there's something about him that either is missing or that I'm missing. He does get quite anxious, and his family are a bit odd - they don't really do anything either,but yet they used to when he was a child- they were deeply involved in a local sports team, travelled all round with it. He barely remembers his childhood though - that's another thing, his memory is shocking. He is intelligent and university educated, but seems to have so little curiosity about the world and never wants to do anything different. If it wasn't for me, I don't think he'd do anything but go to work and come home.

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because as he gets older it becomes more marked and I have noticed a slight resistance creeping in (reaction to the forest Park) whereas before he'd just go along with the plans happily but wouldn't suggest them himself. Also as we've had a family, sometimes I'm emotionally drained and would just like him to go "right, hop in the car, we're going to X place and will stop off at Y for food on the way back" but covid aside I don't think this will ever happen.

Can anyone relate to this? It's really hard to describe, and I know I sound like a princess, but it really is starting to impact on how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:04

CerealBeacon yes there are similarities there. Though DH will do things round the house and will do things if he knows they will benefit either me or the children - so he'll see one of the DC's bikes has a tyre that needs pumped up, he'll go and do it, then he'll realise the spokes are a little bent he'll go to quite a bit of effort to find the tool to fix it.... But the bike is already there because I bought it, if the DC go cycling it's because I have suggested a trip to the bike trail, I have researched, purchased, and put a bike rack for the back of the car, I have driven there... Etc etc. It's really hard to explain without sounding mean and petty.

I wonder if the driving (or his lack of) plays a bigger part/is annoying me more than I realise, because I was about to use a driving analogy for how it makes my role in our relationship and family life feel to me- I was going to compare it to nights out in your late teens and twenties, when some people have their licenses and some don't yet - basically that nobody minds being the designated driver on a night out sometimes - in fact sometimes it's sensible, if you're pregnant, or on antibiotics, or you all take turns at it every time you go out - but you'd get really annoyed if you were the only designated driver for every night out, because you'd be the one always having to check the petrol, stop at the garage, concentrate on the road, make sure everyone is out and at the car at the right time - when sometimes all you want is to throw yourself in the back seat with a chippy and doze a bit on the ride home! I never get to do that. That's probably a really shit analogy Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:09

To labour it- you enjoy the night out, you can still dance the night away and get the chippy, but the ultimate responsibility of it is down to you when everyone else just gets to enjoy it.

He could learn to drive now, yes. Lessons are starting up near us again, and I've found him some information about intensive courses and he says he'll look into it, but if I hadn't done that then he would probably never do it off his own bat. We live in an area where you need to drive to get to most places outside of our small town, but if I and the DC disappeared, he would never learn to drive because he can walk to work, walk to the GP clinic, the shops, and other unavoidable places, and get a bus into the city for anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:10

Focusing on a few things at a time is a really good idea and one I think I need to bear in mind,thank you

OP posts:
MistressMounthaven · 30/08/2020 13:16

He can't be very fit surely, sitting gaming all the time.
I would try to get him to do some exercise, hopefully with DCs and disguise it as getting fit to avoid Covid, or to support you in your get fit/lose weight regime. So weekly swimming or running in the park or something.
And he definitely needs to learn to drive - again it could be in case something happens to your health/ bus services will diminish over the next few years etc.
I suggest making a reason for the change so that you can't be blamed for just bossing or nagging him.
You need to be fittish to want to do more things - no one wants to run if it exhausts them and kills their legs.

exiledfromcornwall · 30/08/2020 13:17

I can definitely relate to a lot of this. It is almost always me who suggests anything from a simple country walk to a full-blown holiday. It's not that he doesn't enjoy these things, he does enjoy the walks/breaks/holidays when they happen, he just NEVER takes the initiative. I swear if I didn't take the initiative he would spend all his time around the house. The lockdown didn't seem to faze him at all, he was in his element, and he doesn't seem the least bit bothered about the fact that we haven't had one short break or holiday so far this year, whereas I am champing at the bit.

LilyWater · 30/08/2020 13:19

OP, I think you need to focus on the positives of him and your relationship, all to easy to focus on someone's 'bad' points especially as we naturally take the good stuff in our lives for granted. In the grand scheme of things what you're complaining about regarding being a 'leader' about things is very very minor. On top of that there's no reason why you can't do some social things on your own or with friends instead of dragging him along. I'm sure you have your own bad points too which your DH has to deal with. You already have a man who's better than probably 80% of men in that he's faithful, does 50% of housework, dedicated to his kids, and is loving in other ways.

On the sex issue, you need to continue ongoing non-blaming dialogue with him, and also he may benefit from medical investigations e.g. testosterone as these can affect sex drive and there are solutions available for this.

whatwouldnigellado · 30/08/2020 13:20

Yup- mines the same. Will do things if they are organised for him but if I were to ask in a Saturday what we are doing today, I’d get a startled and blank look. It is exhausting frankly-we have a toddler who is very “on” and gets bored/antsy after a while at home. If I have to explain to my DH one more time they just “chilling at home” will lead to stress/arguments/toddler meltdowns then I’ll go mad. It’s how he used to be pre-ds where as I’ve always liked busyness but he doesn’t seem to have realised it can’t be his life any more.

EDSGFC · 30/08/2020 13:21

MonkeyToesOfDoom

I did mean coercion, yes, that was an unfortunate autocorrect.

I don't agree though that anyone is compelled to have medical treatment in order to have sex. I'm not sure where the boundaries are.

Pikachubaby · 30/08/2020 13:21

How old are you both? You mention him being/acting old. Is he an older dad?

TomNook · 30/08/2020 13:23

He’s kind of checked out of being an adult. Do you think you over organise? If you just didn’t for a month....

TomNook · 30/08/2020 13:24

He doesn’t drive?! Bloody hell. That is odd

Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:26

The sex thing we've discussed a lot in the past. We both get very upset, he feels inadequate, I reassure him, things improve for a while then it goes back to normal. I have asked him to book into the GP/look into supplements/I am happy to experiment with any particular thing he'd like to try, but the lack of initiative means he agrees with everything I say but never takes the first step towards any of this. If I booked him into the GP and bought him vitamins and supplements myself he'd go and he'd take them, but God, I'd feel like Catherine the Great measuring up a prize stallion, ugh.

He is brilliant in so many ways, he really is. I really do try to focus on the positives, and there are so many of them. But sometimes if he's been particularly reticent or if I'm not feeling my usual self, I feel very lonely and that I'm not worth anyone (him) making an effort for. It's definitely just as much my issue, as he isn't wrong to live his life the way he wants - it's just that I feel as though I'm always the one comprising and trying to moderate myself and try harder, and he just drifts along unaware

OP posts:
NextOnesaGreyGoose · 30/08/2020 13:26

I did the family but, and I pushed for my kids to do extracurriculars. I had two kids by the time I was twenty and was exhausted with them and working full time by the time I was thirty. I've been aiming for the couch a lot of days since. But I still do stuff. We have been off the last week. We spent the first two days in a hotel. Got up at seven, stayed out all day and all evening for two days. When we got home I was exhausted so my husband did stuff with our ( now adult) children to give me a break for the two days after that. The last four days have been planned with a meal out and an activity and home for seven so I can relax and have my time in front of the TV. I'm an introvert as well, so I need time to recuperate. I'm 42 now, I probably sound 100. Your husband needs to do a little more to help you out. You need to understand he needs time to do nothing.

I also didn't get my driving license till I was 40.

CerealBeacon · 30/08/2020 13:27

In the grand scheme of things what you're complaining about regarding being a 'leader' about things is very very minor. On top of that there's no reason why you can't do some social things on your own or with friends instead of dragging him along. I'm sure you have your own bad points too which your DH has to deal with. You already have a man who's better than probably 80% of men in that he's faithful, does 50% of housework, dedicated to his kids, and is loving in other ways

What a depressing comment. The OP is married to someone who has checked out, and you think she should be counting her blessings because he does housework and isn't shagging someone else, if only because it would take energy and initiative and getting up off the sofa to go and shag someone else? Hmm

Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:28

He is late thirties I am early thirties.

Yes to the PP with the antsy toddler - my DC are actually quite good at pottering at home, but then there comes a time when they HAVE to get out and see/do something different, or else I'm peeling them off the ceiling!

OP posts:
TomNook · 30/08/2020 13:29

OP. if your h read this would he agree with your take on it all?

Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:32

And he'd be gutted if he read this, really gutted. We have touched on it before - not as bluntly as I have here - I hate hurting him,and he'd just descend into a pit of self loathing and apologies - but I don't want self loathing and apologies, I just want him to take the lead and do something about it off his own bat.

I don't think I over organise. I never moan at him about housework or anything like that and I'm not a nag. In fact for ages I've gone the other way and spent loads of time building up his confidence and backing off and asking his opinion etc in an attempt to make him feel more able to make decisions/be more assertive - it doesn't make a noticeable difference

OP posts:
TomNook · 30/08/2020 13:34

Do you feel like his mum?

Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:35

I don't know if he'd agree with my take on it. He probably would on the face of it, because he would assume that his agreement would make me happy, and he hates to see me upset, but I would never find out what he actually thought

OP posts:
Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:40

No, I don't feel like his mum. I've read posts on here and met men in real life and I've thought "ugh, I'd feel like his mum if I was in that situation, gross" so I think I can tell what that would feel like, and it's not DH and me.

Actually, if anything, the dynamic feels a bit like some sort of stereotype of traditional marriage, only in reverse - you know where both husband and wife worked hard and were capable in their own spheres, but the husband made the big decisions and the wife was pliable and went along with it? And she'd probably make perfectly good decisions herself but doesn't have to? That's not quite DH and I either, because I have never WANTED to be the main decision maker and arbiter, I have been pushed into the position, but it's something similar (though we both work and really are very equal with housework and childcare) it's not a physical thing but more of an emotional one?

OP posts:
hereyehearye · 30/08/2020 13:42

It sounds to me like there are a lot of different issues going on but it's interesting that you say you don't think he's depressed but then say he used to be on antidepressants, he's very anxious and he would likely fall into a pit of self loathing if confronted.

But you don't think this points to depression?

OP: would you consider yourself quite a "matter-of-fact" person? Someone who just "gets on with things"? Someone who is quite resilient and dusts yourself off after difficult times?

I'm trying to see something...

Original poster
Oshywoshy · 30/08/2020 13:51

To an extent yes. I had a really hard time in my teens and early twenties, and there was a point where I sensed that if I fell down I'd never get back up again, so I really had to make myself push on through.

His depression was about 15 years ago, long before we met, and he told me it was situational and I think he'd be shocked and say no if I asked him if he was depressed now. He says that his life is better now than it ever has been. I understand depression takes many forms, but my mum was depressed all through my childhood, so I know a lot of the signs and if he is depressed then it isn't a presentation I necessarily recognise. Again though I get that doesn't mean he isn't

OP posts:
LilyWater · 30/08/2020 14:25

@CerealBeacon

In the grand scheme of things what you're complaining about regarding being a 'leader' about things is very very minor. On top of that there's no reason why you can't do some social things on your own or with friends instead of dragging him along. I'm sure you have your own bad points too which your DH has to deal with. You already have a man who's better than probably 80% of men in that he's faithful, does 50% of housework, dedicated to his kids, and is loving in other ways

What a depressing comment. The OP is married to someone who has checked out, and you think she should be counting her blessings because he does housework and isn't shagging someone else, if only because it would take energy and initiative and getting up off the sofa to go and shag someone else? Hmm

Who said he's checked out? Just because he has a different personality type from her and is more laid back doesn't mean he's checked out of the relationship. He's not an entertainment device for the OP and she's free to to explore some of her own hobbies and interests without him or with friends. The OP herself had said that he's loving, fully pulls his weight at home with the family, works hard, discusses things with her etc. He has been dealing with a medical issue on top of all this too which has been affecting their sex life and he feels awful about it on the OP's behalf. He's not intentionally causing problems. Have some empathy.
Arrivederla · 30/08/2020 14:29

I remember reading a post on here not long ago where a poster described "life's journey" with a partner very like yours, op. He/she talked about them striding along together, each pulling a sledge behind them piled with all life's responsibilities and chores. Gradually, the partner started taking things off their sledge and piling them onto the poster's, so poster struggled on taking on more and more of life's burdens. In the meantime, their partner strolled contentedly along beside them enjoying the view and pulling an almost empty sledge...

I'm not sure if I've explained this very well, but it came into my mind immediately when I read your post.

I don't know what you need to do to change things op, but unfortunately this will only get worse the older he gets imo. Sad

LilyWater · 30/08/2020 14:30

@Oshywoshy

To an extent yes. I had a really hard time in my teens and early twenties, and there was a point where I sensed that if I fell down I'd never get back up again, so I really had to make myself push on through.

His depression was about 15 years ago, long before we met, and he told me it was situational and I think he'd be shocked and say no if I asked him if he was depressed now. He says that his life is better now than it ever has been. I understand depression takes many forms, but my mum was depressed all through my childhood, so I know a lot of the signs and if he is depressed then it isn't a presentation I necessarily recognise. Again though I get that doesn't mean he isn't

OP, depression affects people differently. It's certainly a possibility he is experiencing depression and/or anxiety, especially as he's aware of the effect it's having on his marriage. Having an issue that affects a man's sexual performance often affects their confidence and self esteem too.
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