Does anyone else end up being the "leader" in the family/have a DH that just isn't interested in anything

[Oshywoshy]

I feel really bad about posting this because DH is so lovely. He is the kindest man, brilliant with the kids, we are 50/50 with housework, he really pulls his weight around the house, works hard. I love him so much, but as he's got older, and after we've had our second child, this has really started to get to me

He doesn't seem to have any hobbies or interests anymore. I totally get this is a double edged sword, after reading "his hobby" posts on MN, but he's like the opposite of the obsessed cyclists. I have bought him equipment for a hobby he used to do which he said he wanted to start up again, he expressed interest in learning to play guitar so I bought him one as a present, that sort of thing - it just gathers dust in the corner. The only thing he does in the evening is sit on the sofa Googling information about a band he likes/recent movie releases. That's his hobby I suppose.

He never suggests we go anywhere - it's always me. He will do his share of the work in organising a day out - organising the picnic, getting the children ready - but it's always me saying "let's do X this weekend", booking the activity, researching the activity - and to be honest although he enjoys himself when out, he'd be just as happy when at home. Last week a local forest Park was doing free entry. I found this out on the Thursday and said "oh let's go this Saturday" and he just looked stunned and went "THIS Saturday?" as if three days was nowhere near enough time to prepare for a 10 mile trip to a forest for a walk.

He doesn't drive either-this hasn't entirely been his fault. I do, and to be honest it's been fine for most of our time together, but this last while I've been asking him to look into it again and he hasn't.

His job is OK but not great- he has been talking about doing something else for years but has made zero effort.

He has always had problems with sex- a medical issue had made it difficult for him at times, but he just doesn't seem to be bothered about it. There are things he could do to help but he doesn't. I talk to him about it and he is apologetic and feels awful, things improve for a while, then it's back to the usual. He rarely initiates. He is more than happy to spend lots of time making sure I am taken care of sexually, will spend ages focusing on me in ways that aren't PIV basically, but it's not spontaneous on his part, he rarely initiates and never, you know, grabs me for a good shag. He genuinely is happy to bring me pleasure, but I basically feel like I have to submit a written request rather than it starting organically.

I feel like I'm being horrible about him, when he is the loveliest man and I adore him. It just feels like there's something missing, a certain amount of "go" - but yet it's not quite that either, because he is far from lazy and when for instance we bought our house, he dealt with most of that as I was pregnant and highly stressed at the time.

I just feel that there's something about him that either is missing or that I'm missing. He does get quite anxious, and his family are a bit odd - they don't really do anything either,but yet they used to when he was a child- they were deeply involved in a local sports team, travelled all round with it. He barely remembers his childhood though - that's another thing, his memory is shocking. He is intelligent and university educated, but seems to have so little curiosity about the world and never wants to do anything different. If it wasn't for me, I don't think he'd do anything but go to work and come home.

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because as he gets older it becomes more marked and I have noticed a slight resistance creeping in (reaction to the forest Park) whereas before he'd just go along with the plans happily but wouldn't suggest them himself. Also as we've had a family, sometimes I'm emotionally drained and would just like him to go "right, hop in the car, we're going to X place and will stop off at Y for food on the way back" but covid aside I don't think this will ever happen.

Can anyone relate to this? It's really hard to describe, and I know I sound like a princess, but it really is starting to impact on how I feel

something he does because I like it and he likes making me happy.

Could this be true about more than just the sex? Could it be that a great majority of what he does is because he is keeping you happy?

What would that mean for your relationship? Could you live with that for the rest of your life? Can you build enough of a life for yourself to ultimately be happy ?

I completely get everything you say here. My longstanding partner is like this. Then I got a taste of the opposite type...a controlling selfish man...and went running back!! This passive type of man is far from perfect but I've realised....neither am I. My partner allows me to have lots of friends and activities and it sounds like yours would too... I would go down that route to have your needs for different types of people met. Then I go home, curl up on the sofa and yabber on about what I have been up to...everyone is happy Be careful OP... all you say is true but he sounds a really nice guy. Deffo try to work on the sex though!!!!!

I think this is just his personality, and it's different from yours. It's very annoying when you have to organise events/socialising all the time, but I'm not sure what else you can do about it. I suppose he has been check medically for low testosterone, anaemia, thyroid etc?

The non driving thing is weird though. Who wants to be reliant on others of public transport?

@tornadoalley

The non driving thing is weird though. Who wants to be reliant on others of public transport?

Lots of people don't drive, for all kinds of reasons. I don't drive myself, due to my formative years being spent in central London and Berlin, though now that I live elsewhere I'm planning to learn ASAP. It hasn't unnaturally restricted my life or made me unusually reliant on others -- I have always cycled or used public transport.

It does sound as if the OP's husband not driving is bound up with his preference for being a 'passenger' in life, but the fact that he doesn't drive in isolation from the other facts the OP has shared strikes me as a lot less weird than that someone up the thread thought it was perfectly normal and acceptable to

just like relaxing at home, then that's fair enough. Nothing wrong with that

when that clearly in the case of the OP's DH means a life never leaving the house apart from work and non-work time spent on the sofa Googling new cinema releases and band information. That's not living, it's barely existing.

OP, i think you are underplaying the amount of agency your DH has in the current status quo.

actually what you are describing is that he consistently positions his comfort as a higher priority than yours.

someone who is capable of assessing a family home, and identifying that jobs need doing, meals need preparing, is unlikely to be incapable of assessing that each night out/party is facilitated by you driving, and that this means you do not enjoy as much.

it is also unlikely that he is incapable of understanding that families have holidays, that planning and organising etc take effort and cause stress, and that this is currently all done by you.

i think you need to find a bit of anger here. not because you should leave, but because he needs to understand that your loads are not shared evenly, and this is not fair.

and if this makes him feel sad/emasculated, then ok, but that's not a reason to ignore your feelings.