Does anyone else end up being the "leader" in the family/have a DH that just isn't interested in anything

[Oshywoshy]

I feel really bad about posting this because DH is so lovely. He is the kindest man, brilliant with the kids, we are 50/50 with housework, he really pulls his weight around the house, works hard. I love him so much, but as he's got older, and after we've had our second child, this has really started to get to me

He doesn't seem to have any hobbies or interests anymore. I totally get this is a double edged sword, after reading "his hobby" posts on MN, but he's like the opposite of the obsessed cyclists. I have bought him equipment for a hobby he used to do which he said he wanted to start up again, he expressed interest in learning to play guitar so I bought him one as a present, that sort of thing - it just gathers dust in the corner. The only thing he does in the evening is sit on the sofa Googling information about a band he likes/recent movie releases. That's his hobby I suppose.

He never suggests we go anywhere - it's always me. He will do his share of the work in organising a day out - organising the picnic, getting the children ready - but it's always me saying "let's do X this weekend", booking the activity, researching the activity - and to be honest although he enjoys himself when out, he'd be just as happy when at home. Last week a local forest Park was doing free entry. I found this out on the Thursday and said "oh let's go this Saturday" and he just looked stunned and went "THIS Saturday?" as if three days was nowhere near enough time to prepare for a 10 mile trip to a forest for a walk.

He doesn't drive either-this hasn't entirely been his fault. I do, and to be honest it's been fine for most of our time together, but this last while I've been asking him to look into it again and he hasn't.

His job is OK but not great- he has been talking about doing something else for years but has made zero effort.

He has always had problems with sex- a medical issue had made it difficult for him at times, but he just doesn't seem to be bothered about it. There are things he could do to help but he doesn't. I talk to him about it and he is apologetic and feels awful, things improve for a while, then it's back to the usual. He rarely initiates. He is more than happy to spend lots of time making sure I am taken care of sexually, will spend ages focusing on me in ways that aren't PIV basically, but it's not spontaneous on his part, he rarely initiates and never, you know, grabs me for a good shag. He genuinely is happy to bring me pleasure, but I basically feel like I have to submit a written request rather than it starting organically.

I feel like I'm being horrible about him, when he is the loveliest man and I adore him. It just feels like there's something missing, a certain amount of "go" - but yet it's not quite that either, because he is far from lazy and when for instance we bought our house, he dealt with most of that as I was pregnant and highly stressed at the time.

I just feel that there's something about him that either is missing or that I'm missing. He does get quite anxious, and his family are a bit odd - they don't really do anything either,but yet they used to when he was a child- they were deeply involved in a local sports team, travelled all round with it. He barely remembers his childhood though - that's another thing, his memory is shocking. He is intelligent and university educated, but seems to have so little curiosity about the world and never wants to do anything different. If it wasn't for me, I don't think he'd do anything but go to work and come home.

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because as he gets older it becomes more marked and I have noticed a slight resistance creeping in (reaction to the forest Park) whereas before he'd just go along with the plans happily but wouldn't suggest them himself. Also as we've had a family, sometimes I'm emotionally drained and would just like him to go "right, hop in the car, we're going to X place and will stop off at Y for food on the way back" but covid aside I don't think this will ever happen.

Can anyone relate to this? It's really hard to describe, and I know I sound like a princess, but it really is starting to impact on how I feel

This is honestly like reading exactly what I’d have written 5 years ago. Everything down to adoring him but living on crumbs of affection. I lived in constant hope that with enough love and time he’d become the man I knew he could be, comfortable in his own skin, assertive, less defensive.

I don’t think it’ll happen on it’s own. Either he needs to want to change, or you’re at risk of outgrowing him as your confidence grows (which mine did via work etc once dc we’re past the baby stage)

I don't think that you should feel like you have to sit with him in the evenings- go out for a run, you sound like you have got into a routine that you're a bit bored with - if you go out & do things it might motivate him to do the same. Don't lose yourself in it.
I do most of the 'out in the world work' & finances, house bills. My DH does all housework - although we split the cooking, all maintenance around house, garden, sorts cars out etc.
Sex pretty similar to you actually. I think sometimes that I wish he was more forward with it too.
I don't know if I think that your DH might just be low level depressed- this isn't the same as being unhappy, or just he's got into too much of a rut with life. You can only talk to him about it & let him talk if he needs to. And don't stop doing your own hobbies!

Darkmilkaddict yes I can see how that's how this could go. I absolutely do not want it to, it will be utterly devestating to all involved, and my heart will be broken. I don't think I'd bother living with a man again if something happened to DH or we split up, because DH is incredibly easy to live with (apart from all this) and pulls his weight round the house and with the kids, which I know is a rarity - I will skivvy for nobody and I could easily get sex elsewhere. The crumbs of affection, yes. I feel disgust at myself sometimes for it, I am no claudia schiffer, but I've never had any trouble attracting a partner, yet here I am panting for scraps like a little doggy- from my own husband, the man I'm married to and the only one I actually want. It's pathetic.

I'm not going to talk to him about it just now, because I'm not in the right frame of mind, but I will at some point soon. I think first I'll push the contact re driving course, and talk to him about taking on some of the organising/planning for our family days out. I imagine a conversation about the rest of it will lead on from there.

It's difficult too because he'll 100% be shocked and taken aback and immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm not happy, why am I not happy - but actually I am happy with lots in my life, this issue just leaches quietly into everything else.

And yes I'll be concentrating on my own hobbies and interests, focusing on being active, doing things with friends and the kids- and I'll not feel guilty about leaving him at home, because if he didn't want to sit at home he's had hundreds of chances not to, and there's no reason why I should end up at his level - that leads to be being bored and getting fat

I feel like the ghost of Christmas future! (Sorry to joke about it)

Yes that exact thing happened to me, it’s now 3.5 years since he left (he shocked me by immediately getting into a new relationship, after 17 years with me, but I guess he subconsciously realised he needs taking care of).

I am indeed broken hearted and pine for him a lot. I regret the split, but equally I’m now reminded how unfulfilled I was. I know you say you’ll never live with another man, but the loneliness of single mothering is a force to be reckoned with. It’s nearly breaking me.

And yes you could get sex, if he’s decent about sharing the dc, but most easy sex that’s available can leave you discarded and feeling disrespected.

My instinct is he has very little motivation to change

On the ‘crumbs’ there’s an excellent video on youtube by Teal Swan on intermittent reinforcement, I strongly recommend watching that. For me it was a lot to do with having a rejecting father.

You’re very brave for facing this head-on. I was in denial of the true dynamic for years and years. Really feel for you

He sounds a lot like my dh. The difference is, I don't mind it as much as you do.

Dh doesn't drive, although he has a licence. The last time he drove was when he had refresher lessons when I was pg with dd2, who is now 10. BUT, I get travel sick as a passenger, so I WANT to drive so I don't get sick. Dh doesn't organise days out, but since I work ft, I quite like being able to see friends at the weekends, with their dcs as well. I plan and book our holidays, which means we go to the places I want to go. He doesn't organise childcare, but we've stuck with one childminder for the past 10 years, and he will do pick up by bus if I need him to (if I have a parents evening or something). He shows no interest in home improvements, so we get what I choose.

It sounds like the sex thing is the biggest issue with your dh. But it's difficult to fix if he's happy with things the way things are. A full and frank discussion should probably be the starting point, but it sounds like you've had those discussions before and things haven't changed. So I'm sorry, I don't have anything to suggest.

He helps with housework etc but you have no sex life and he is so boring is what your saying I think. Life is too short what’s the point in Him

Darkmilk that made me smile- I love A Christmas Carol.

Funny you should say about your ex getting into a relationship quickly - I've thought the same about DH, and I've also thought that if either of us were to cheat I actually think it would be him, purely because he really, really is the last person in the universe you'd expect to do such a thing, but I've been round the block enough to know that it's often the ones who you'd bet your granny wouldn't, that do. I could actually see him in a situation where if a fairly assertive woman with fluid morals made a play for him, and he had feelings back, he'd be a sitting duck because a) he would be totally overwhelmed by his own feelings and would end up emotionally swamped by it all and ending up in a position he could have avoided by being more blunt in the first place and b) would probably go along with what this hypothetical assertive OW would want- he'd almost feel obliged. Again that sounds awful and I really don't think he'd cheat, it would be so out of character that I think I'd just about die from the shock. But I can see how these situations arise for all sorts of reasons, even in "I trust my DH 100%" types because I think everyone is capable of it at some level, and whereas if I fancied someone at work and the feeling was reciprocated, I'm self aware enough to think it through and make a conscious choice not to pursue things - DH would compartmentalise on one hand and be out of his depth in another, and would end up going along for the ride (literally) Sorry, that's all a bit hypothetical and just me thinking aloud really, but I can see how it would happen. Again, he'd be really shocked and upset if he knew I thought that

I trust my husband 100%, but that is partially because I choose to and don't see the point of worrying about infidelity until it happens. He's also did nothing in all our years, not one thing, to merit anything but trust in me. I think it's strange that you have these thoughts about your husbands position on fidelity.

I honestly think you should start to think about seeing a counsellor because your thoughts about your relationship really are quite complex. I mean this as a compliment, you have said things that are really very astute about your husband and you seem self aware about yourself and your relationship.... Which makes me think that the fact you felt you needed to post about the issues your experiencing are actually much bigger than they appear to an outsider.

I’ve name changed just to reply to this. I could have written your OP.

DH won’t even be assertive when it comes to what time he wants to leave the house. A typical conversation:

Me: what time do you want to leave the house tomorrow?
DH: I don’t mind
Me: I know, but give me a time?
DH: Whenever you’re ready
Me: That puts the responsibility to get up and go on me, can you just give me a time please?

He never can. He is perfectly happy to go along with any outing, any activity, as long as I suggest it. He would never in a million years suggest we go out at the weekend, maybe for a drink in the evening but never a day out type thing. He has no hobbies so doesn’t leave the house, meaning I’m never alone unless I go out by myself. Everything needs a lot of prompting, and it is wearing.

Ditto the sex. We haven’t had sex in ages. We talk about it, we agree we should have it soon, very soon! But then it never happens. I don’t want to initiate it because I initiate absolutely everything else and I just want to feel desired.

I don’t know what the answer is, I’m afraid OP. But you’re not alone.

I do wonder if there's not a bit of "the grass is greener" going on here.

Is any person 100% perfect? You seem to want him to keep all of the good points but then change the bad points. Maybe him changing the bad points will lead to him changing the good points too? How many posts on MN complain about men focussing on hobbies and not doing more around the house or pushing to have their own way on big decisions, ignoring what the partner wants? Or on men sulking if they don't get sex when they want it or being more focused on their enjoyment rather than their partner's? Would you want him to initiate sex if it meant he also wanted the focus to be on his enjoyment more than yours for a change? Or if he took the initiative to organise days out but it was to places that he wanted to go to rather than where you want? Or learnt to drive and then decided to take up a hobby, possible because he could drive, and so wasn't around as much as he is now?

I do think it's unreasonable to think you can change him only in the aspects that you want.

I do like the suggestion of getting him to organise something. It’s actually the anniversary of our first date next week (cheesy) and we were talking about doing something. I’m going to ask him to plan it all.

@Absolutely20

That's a good idea, my husband tells me a couple of year to plan something, (he's the organiser in our life). It's like a game, I actually like it. I get an outline like.... , book a weekend away within three hours drive and budget £450 or something like that. Specifically tells me it's all on me. I like it. I know it's probably rubbish I have to be asked but it's all part of the compromise.

It sounds like you are always "on duty", OP.

Your DH is far from the negative, neglectful husband or partner who appears often in these boards, but it sounds like you'd like some of the mental load of the "job" of certain aspects of your lives together to proactively taken of your shoulders occasionally. Eg: suggest you to have a lie in or some personal time during the weekend by taking the children out for an hour or so.

Or, even, just for him to follow through on things the two of you have already discussed (eg, the driving). It doesn't sound, for example, as though he'd ever think to say "why don't we get a taxi to X and back so we can both relax and have a drink together" - and then make the arrangements himself.

It sounds exhausting always to be the one in charge of the mental load in your lives. 🌹

Absolutely20 yes that's precisely it. He opts out, so it's left to me to do his thinking/anh planning for him, or else my alternative is to embrace the sort of life my Bil and SIL lead (do nothing, ever. Work then come home. Appear suprised when children climb up walls with boredom, turn tv on, ad infinitum. No friends, no days out, no hobbies) which would be a living death to me. Lots of prompting needed here too.

EDS- Yes, probably a bit of the grass being greener - though I'd much rather DH than one of those men who check out of family life to go on constants golfing weekends and rock climbing holidays to the detriment of the family finances and their wife's sanity. Though I think DH is actually at the other end of the spectrum to them. I would absolutely encourage him to take up a hobby that took him out of the house to a reasonable extent, and I'd love him to initiate sex that was focused on his pleasure - that would be a turn on for me actually, as he can't always achieve orgasm which makes me feel quite sad really. I'd also be fine with going to places he wants to as well- I'm not hung up on getting my own way with everything and I'd find the change interesting, especially if it was somewhere I wouldn't think to go myself. To me that's all part of give and take in a relationship, and I enjoy being introduced to new or different things by partners and friends, which obviously doesn't happen with DH. Is it a deal breaker, no it's not, but it is frustrating, and tiring at times.

GreyGoose, I do have a similar attitude to infidelity (don't worry about it until it happens) so it's not something I dwell on a lot, I was really getting sidetracked there but no, I don't think DH would cheat and it's not something I think about- it was only reading other posts about men with similar personalities moving on fairly quickly that made me think of it.
I think there are a few issues simmering away that are impacting on my marriage but which I'm not quite grasping - I don't know what they are. I am definitely at fault and not perfect, but for a while I've felt (and this sounds really mad) that there's something obvious I'm missing with DH, and to an extent his immediate family - some dynamic that I'm not picking up on or grasping properly. Like on the surface they present a normal face, but underneath there's something unusual going on. I couldn't begin to pinpoint or guess what - for years I put it down to grief at their bereavement, which I suppose it still might be,just twisted out of shape. It's just a weird vague gut feeling that I've not even articulated properly to myself before posting here.
I like your idea of planning via an outline - DH I think would go for that.

Happy- yes I do feel like I'm mentally always on duty, even with enjoyable events - no he wouldn't think to book a taxi so we can both drink - it's really annoying actually because there have been times we've gone to events with my family, and I've driven, and he has drank away while I can't have a champagne to toast my own family member. It's a bit shit. I'd love it if he suprised me with tickets to my favourite theatre thing and had organised a taxi, or even planned a trip via the bus timetable. This has basically never happened. I'm trying to think, and no it's never happened. I've suprised him with concert tickets etc, planned and booked meals out, sorted childcare, he has never done the same for me. If I saw something - an event or item- that I thought he'd like, I'd think "ooh that's right up DH's street" and if at all possible I'd get him it, or organise a trip to it, but I honestly don't think his mind works similarly. This is partly because he doesn't go anywhere or do anything - he isn't in different towns or cities the way I'd be, he doesn't have any social media so doesn't see advertisements or recommendations, he doesn't talk to enough people to hear that X is showing at X place etc, he doesn't watch much TV in real time, doesn't read any local papers or look at local news. Not saying that any of this is a bad thing, but as he doesn't go out of his way to think "Gosh Oshy hasn't been to ThingSheLikes for a while, I'll suprise her with a trip" - basically it never occurs to him because he doesn't think of ideas organically and nor are they planted in his head

I’m afraid I can’t think of a way through this. He’s clearly a decent guy but he wants a ‘small’ life and you want a big one. Or just medium.

I’ve always found talking things through in counselling has helped a lot.

Yes, I'm not sure there's an answer really. It has helped massively posting here though, I'm aware I've written reams, and no matter what happens, from hereon in at least I can't say I didn't know what he was like

A friend of mine who is rather like your husband, OP, did grow up an only child of older parents who seem to have been very wrapped up in one another and didn't leave the house a lot -- I don't think that's the only thing (I think he may be on the autistic spectrum also), but I think it contributed.

He just seems to have become (or to have always been?) someone whose bar is very low for all kinds of things -- he would regard a week in which he had something on in addition to work (and it could be as minor as a parents' evening or taking the car for a service!) as a crazy busy week to be dreaded and complained about.

We used to work together and I once (before we'd become friends) asked whether he would accompany me and some students to an event in about a month, as I needed another member of staff, the ticket was paid for, the venue was within a short walk of campus, and I knew he was interested in the event, which was very high-profile. He was clearly mildly appalled to have been asked, hummed and hawed for about a fortnight (as if I'd asked him to go away for a fortnight!) and eventually said he couldn't go.

I realised once I knew him better that, whatever was on offer even a hassle-free, paid-for trip to something that genuinely interested him, when he would still have been home early was just too much bother. Nothing was preferable to just going home and staying there all evening.

What you said about a 'big life' vs a 'small' one resonated with me, OP. I don't have a particularly big life, but my (very ordinary) life is giant compared to his 'normal'.

I would highly recommend couples counseling for you both, OP. I think that as the years go on your will become more and more resentful of the status quo. Something standing out as a red flag is his reaction to you bringing these issues up- defensive, sad, breaking down. This serves both to close down the conversion, and also puts you in the position of comforting him and making his feel better- again, you having to take responsibility for every situation.

*conversation

I was reserving judgement on your DH until I read your post at 18.05. The fact he never thinks you might like an odd glass of champagne or a night out without driving is really sad and very thoughtless. I actually think this is worse than you think. Before I rather thought he was an affable, genial housemate for you, now I think he’s unthinking and a bit selfish. You might love him but I think you deserve much more than this.

@Oshywoshy

Happy- yes I do feel like I'm mentally always on duty, even with enjoyable events - no he wouldn't think to book a taxi so we can both drink - it's really annoying actually because there have been times we've gone to events with my family, and I've driven, and he has drank away while I can't have a champagne to toast my own family member. It's a bit shit. I'd love it if he suprised me with tickets to my favourite theatre thing and had organised a taxi, or even planned a trip via the bus timetable. This has basically never happened. I'm trying to think, and no it's never happened. I've suprised him with concert tickets etc, planned and booked meals out, sorted childcare, he has never done the same for me. If I saw something - an event or item- that I thought he'd like, I'd think "ooh that's right up DH's street" and if at all possible I'd get him it, or organise a trip to it, but I honestly don't think his mind works similarly. This is partly because he doesn't go anywhere or do anything - he isn't in different towns or cities the way I'd be, he doesn't have any social media so doesn't see advertisements or recommendations, he doesn't talk to enough people to hear that X is showing at X place etc, he doesn't watch much TV in real time, doesn't read any local papers or look at local news. Not saying that any of this is a bad thing, but as he doesn't go out of his way to think "Gosh Oshy hasn't been to ThingSheLikes for a while, I'll suprise her with a trip" - basically it never occurs to him because he doesn't think of ideas organically and nor are they planted in his head

I don’t think I’ve ever read a post like yours with 12 different reasons why your husband cant do Anything nice for you but you can for him.

Can he work the internet ? Use a mobile phone ?

If so he is perfectly capable of arranging something nice for you. He doesn’t because he CBA.

I’m sorry but you are seriously deluded. You need to think why you are so invested in making excuses for his poor behaviour.

@TomNook

He doesn’t drive?! Bloody hell. That is odd

Mine isn't interested. He has a license but hasn't driven in over a decade. He simply sees no point. If he can get to work from our rural town to the city on the train, it matters not to him that he never gets to go anywhere easily, and it's made both our worlds so much smaller.

I thought things would change, in fact he promised things would change one night where I was ill and I had to go to A&E and needed someone to drive me there. He paid for the taxi which he can well afford, which is fair enough, but my point was that you cannot always rely on taxis or public transport here. Months later, due to other reasons, I threatened to leave. He became more supportive of me driving (at last, after about a year or two begging), and we bought a car. Having a car of our own to practice with with him there with me, my progress shot up extremely quickly, just like I said it would, and I passed my test this year, first time.

I could now actually go out with him in the car to help him get his confidence back.......but our car sits there and he's been in it once for about 10 mins since we bought it last year. I'm not asking or pushing him anymore. It's just one more thing I'm unhappy with in our relationship.

I think if you just like relaxing at home, then that's fair enough. Nothing wrong with that.

However, I wonder how many couples find themselves in this situation because they grew up in households where the mother did all the planning and organising. Left to his own devices, Dad would have quite happily disengaged from family time altogether and spent the entire weekend in his shed.

Some introverts find solace in solitude. It recharges them and I think that's fine, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of these men are more neutral than that - they simply grew up in households where the mum organised practically everything and so when they grow up, they naturally expect their wives to be happy to do them same, as well as juggle a million other things on their plates.