New man overstepped my boundary by lying. What should I do?

[Mel328]

Hi MN
Im 28 and have been seeing a man I met from a dating website now for five weeks now and we're pretty close, we have spent a lot time together. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. I did the freedom programme due to my last abusive relationship so I made sure I made it clear what my boundaries were and what I expect from us dating. We seemed on the same page until last night! From the beginning I told him I'm not into drugs and would want someone similar. He said he used to smoke weed but hasn't touched it in months because he'd love to completely come off it. My gut told me that wasn't true so I would occasionally bring it up and he would always reassure me. Deep down I knew he was lying but I felt he was too scared to admit. Last night it all came out, I went to his place after his friend left and it smelt of weed. He fully admitted he had touched it and said it's something he does occasionally, once a month when he see's a friend. I told him, it's not the weed that's an issue now, it's the lie. You took away my chance to make a decision about us before getting emotional invested. I told him I deserve better than to be lied to and he couldn't stop apologising, saying the usual "He was scared to lose me, he was selfish" If he had been honest from the beginning, I think I could have accepted him doing it occasionally as we got along so well. Now that the feelings are so strong, my head is all over the place. I want to make the right decision as I messed up so bad in my past relationships. Can anyone advise me?

Huge congratulations on enforcing your boundaries and standing up for yourself OP. Brilliant.

I'm afraid addicts never change, I'd walk away from this man.

Your boundaries are there for a reason; hear them and exercise your right to walk away now.

A lying drug-user?

You can do better.

Well done for listening to your gut.

5 weeks OP, it's been 5 weeks. You don't know him and you shouldn't be so bonded/connected/invested at this point, it's not healthy. You know what you have to do.

Walk away Op, immediately! Well done on listening to your gut. Don't invest anything else in this man.

Walk away, he’s a liar and you do not want to be with a liar.

Thankyou Grobags
It did feel amazing to stand up for myself!

Walk away, he’s a regular drug user who lied about it. That won’t change.

A lying drug user. It's only been 5 weeks. Walk away now.

5 weeks, you barely know him but what you do know is that he lied and is a drug user. Move on, and don’t look back.

After 5 weeks you are just dating and finding out about each other. If you find something you can't live with then you end it. If you overlook this then all that work you did on the freedom programme will be undermined.

Dump and move on. If he can lie about something he can lie about ANYTHING
And who wants a druggy anyway??

LTB absolutely definitely

I wonder how people would react if he said he was tea total but had been ‘caught’ having a drink with a friend?

Would he be an addict and a liar then?

Honestly? I'd walk away from this one. If you've had previous abusive relationships, it's actually good to go through the process of walking away when a red flag waves, so you know that you can. It's hard when you like them, but it's also about you growing as a person and learning that it's good to have and enforce boundaries. See this as a practice run - you've learnt a bit more about what a good relationship is, but also what's unacceptable.

It doesn’t sound like a major ‘lie’ to me but would you really want to go to someone’s house and it stinks of weed? That would put me off more than anything.

The weed should be an issue, never mind the lie. Better off without him.

@pictish, the Op doesn't want someone who takes drugs, he lied. If you say you don't drink then lie about it, it's the same.

Op, I would be very wary of your bond as you don't know him..you only know what he is choosing to tell you. It is extremely easy to be deceptive at this stage.

Drop him, you are so young with lots of time ahead of you. See this as a test, you have a boundary, enforce it and end the relationship, you will recover. This will have strengthened you. Trust yourself.

@pictish

I wonder how people would react if he said he was tea total but had been ‘caught’ having a drink with a friend?

Would he be an addict and a liar then?

He'd be a liar. Some women don't want to date men who drink and that's fine. I don't date men who drink a lot. If my boyfriend had represented himself as a man who doesn't ever drink heavily then phoned me wasted out of his head I'd dump him 100%.

Five weeks really isn't long enough to get emotionally invested in a relationship OP so walk away. You're bound to feel some regret but he has lied to you about this seemingly little thing. Would he also lie about a big thing? Treat it as a lucky escape, move on - it's his loss. This little niggle will always be at the back of your mind. You deserve better.

You are only 5 weeks in. You've caught him lying. And smoking weed.

You shouldn't be so invested in just 5 weeks.

However it's only taken 5 weeks to find out he is capable of lying to you.

Pull up your big girl pants and send this one on his way. No need for any more drama than that. The very most you should feel is disappointed. Any more than that then you've allowed yourself to get too invested too soon with a bloke you don't know.

Well done for pulling him up on his lies. Don't waste that.

He knew your boundaries from the beginning. He choose to lie rather than accept them and have you, a complete stranger, walk away. That suggests he is quite manipulative in wanting to portray himself as someone he is not - even to total strangers.

He lied for the entire time you've known him. Then tried to turn his lying into some kind of romantic gesture as he didn't want to lose you blah blah blah. But what was his reason for lying at the very beginning? He didn't know you, he wasn't emotionally attached to you when he first meet you. But lying is easier than being honest for him. He mirrored you. Told you what you wanted to hear. Which suggests that the rest of this amazing 'connection' was also created by him mirroring you. He suckered you into being emotionally attached by not being his real self, but who you wanted him to be.

What else has he deliberately (!!) hidden? How much of the him you have this connection with is the real him?

Having boundaries only works if you actually use them! He has already broken two - drugs and lying. If you ignore your boundaries you may as well not have any at all.

Walk away obviously, as weed is a deal breaker for you.

But 5 weeks is ridiculously early to be “emotionally invested” and “very close”

Please be kind, I've even met his family and his Mum even calls me his girlfriend. I can see from everyone's posts what I need to do, Thankyou