New man overstepped my boundary by lying. What should I do?

[Mel328]

Hi MN
Im 28 and have been seeing a man I met from a dating website now for five weeks now and we're pretty close, we have spent a lot time together. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. I did the freedom programme due to my last abusive relationship so I made sure I made it clear what my boundaries were and what I expect from us dating. We seemed on the same page until last night! From the beginning I told him I'm not into drugs and would want someone similar. He said he used to smoke weed but hasn't touched it in months because he'd love to completely come off it. My gut told me that wasn't true so I would occasionally bring it up and he would always reassure me. Deep down I knew he was lying but I felt he was too scared to admit. Last night it all came out, I went to his place after his friend left and it smelt of weed. He fully admitted he had touched it and said it's something he does occasionally, once a month when he see's a friend. I told him, it's not the weed that's an issue now, it's the lie. You took away my chance to make a decision about us before getting emotional invested. I told him I deserve better than to be lied to and he couldn't stop apologising, saying the usual "He was scared to lose me, he was selfish" If he had been honest from the beginning, I think I could have accepted him doing it occasionally as we got along so well. Now that the feelings are so strong, my head is all over the place. I want to make the right decision as I messed up so bad in my past relationships. Can anyone advise me?

Thanks everyone , especially bakedoff.

Ive just told him I can't continue. I have other men lined up so will go from there, go on dates and learn from this.

You need to slow down. After 5 weeks you shouldn’t be so invested as others have said. Don’t pin all your hopes and spend so much time with somebody right from the start. Feeling a deep connection with someone in the first rush of love doesn’t mean you know them. With your history and having completed the Freedom Programme I think you need to go much more slowly and not be thinking of somebody you have only known 5 weeks as being your boyfriend or a potential long-term partner.

I think some people are being a bit harsh on this man. There’s nothing in your original post to say he’s love-bombing you for sinister reasons, he may genuinely like you and enjoy being with you. I don’t think introducing you to his family or calling you his girlfriend is love bombing. I don’t think his behaviour is a red flag on its own, but for you and the boundaries you’ve set it is. Occasionally smoking weed doesn’t make him an addict either.

Well done, OP.

Don't invest emotionally in anyone too early, only see them once a week to start with, make sure you have lots of other things going on in your life with friends and hobbies, and just take it slow with blokes. You shouldn't need to explicitly explain your boundaries to someone you're dating, just know what they are for yourself and be confident in them.

Well abusers test your boundaries don't they? And they often apologise and beg if they think they might lose their grip on you.

Does he fit any of the Freedom Training profiles in any other ways? Is there a sob story? Does he have exes he slags off? Kids he's not allowed to see? Does he flirt with barmaids or is he rude to waitresses?

Is his mum nervous around him or overly singing his praises?

Does he contact you a bit too often? Want to see you all the time? Stay at yours too much or have you stay at his all weekend and just fit in with his plans?

Is everything moving a bit too fast? Such as meeting his family in the first month.

Christ, you’ve been dating for 5weeks. I’ve had tins of beans in cupboard for longer
Get him slung. Pronto

Ive just told him I can't continue.I have other men lined up so will go from there,go on dates
Haha yes you go forth, work that line. Date nice, drug free man

@Grobagsforever

Huge congratulations on enforcing your boundaries and standing up for yourself OP. Brilliant.

I'm afraid addicts never change, I'd walk away from this man.

Having a spliff with a friend once a month hardly makes someone an "addict".

OP, you've only been seeing this guy for a month. Doesn't the Freedom Programme warn against rushing into relationships in this way? You still sound very vulnerable and I think you might need to take a bit more time to work on yourself before trying to meet someone.

You talk a lot about "boundaries" but I think you have slightly misunderstood the whole concept. Trying to impose your standards on someone else is not a "boundary". People will do what they want to do and all you're doing by announcing your demands/expectations at such an early stage is encouraging bad people to lie to you and let you down, as has happened here. The chances of you meeting someone who nobly abandons bad habits for you and never relapses back into them, or who fesses up to the flaws you want to exclude and honourably declines to see you again, is pretty small. Think about it: a man who is very attracted to you is not going to say "alas milady, I do smoke the occasional joint and I tend to be economical with the truth if it gets me out of trouble - we must never see each other again". He is just going to tell you what you want to hear and try to make sure he covers his tracks, and this is extra true of internet dating - you aren't part of the same social circle so liars are less likely to be caught out.

I winced at "I made it clear what my boundaries were and what I expect" - you're trying to meet an equal partner, not train a puppy! It's great that you know what you want, but keep it to yourself when you meet someone new. Sit back, get to know them slowly, notice how they behave when they think you're not paying attention and what they reveal about themselves in conversation, and you will see who they really are - then you can decide if they meet your standards. Rather than setting out boundaries for others, focus on setting boundaries on your own behaviour, e.g. "I will not see someone on consecutive days until we have been seeing each other at least a month and agreed to be exclusive" or "I won't meet their family until we have been together for at least 3 months". Protect yourself from this kind of hurt and disappointment. You can only control your own behaviour.

Chavy

No he's none of them tbh, No sob stories, no slagging off the Ex, see's his child three times a week and spoils her. Hear him on the phone to ex and child when he calls them. Heard his Mum talk on phone and seem to get along well. No love bombing or overly wanting to see me, only saw him once / twice a week. We just got along so well, I'd never laughed so much before. I never have told him how I felt about him though, I never told him I was falling for him. He almost let slip he was falling for me but kept saying he didn't want to say it too soon. That's the thing, I have worked out from freedom program that he is in the "Liar" category because he lied to keep me. He even admitted "I lied to get you and I shouldn't have" I'm so disappointed with him but I need to think of my own sanity after the hell I went through with ex.

My gosh statementknickers
That made total sense. I'm speechless. I should never have made it so clear what I expected. I should have let him act the way he wanted and judged from there.
This is why I love MN!

statementknickers that was a great post. Agree with every word.

Statement knickers, I have never seen these points expressed so clearly and succinctly, Excellent.

When someone shows you their true colours believe them. Letting him get away with a deal breaker now means he knows he'll be able to get away with it again. 5 weeks in is nothing!

Oh you've dumped him, good work OP!

The weed is a red herring here and it’s not about “is weed ok or not” before people start wading in about weed being the same as booze and caffeine...the fact is we all have our personal preferences for a partner. If you don’t want it in your life then that is your decision and you are perfectly within your rights to enforce that

If you’re referring to my post asking whether people would be saying the same if he’d been caught having a drink, I think you misunderstand me.
The OP can draw her line in the sand wherever she pleases. I’m not disputing that at all.
What I was commenting on was the ensuing drama from posters on the thread equating him with being a druggy, an addict and a liar. I doubt they’d have been so florid in their responses if she’s caught him having a can of beer despite claiming to be a tea-totaller. What’s the harm in a can of beer with a friend after all?
The advice would have been different. So...happy to encourage the end of the relationship over a joint with a pal...willing to bet she’d have been called demanding and/or controlling if it had been an artisan bloody cider.

Well done OP.

Your boundaries are your boundaries- he knew them and broke them.

I would never have anything to do with a bloke who smoked weed again, or even a friend I think. Other people might be happy with it, but I'm not at all. I have bipolar and effects my mental health to even smoke it passively, plus I disagree with the attitude people who smoke it have towards it.

Your decision isn't due to your messed up- it's a sign that you're not messed up, you're not going to let people fuck you around.

Yy to statement knickers.

I think most of us do that so automatically that it is hard to realise that's what we do and then explain it to others that's what we do. And if you don't know, you don't know and need it pointing out.

If that makes sense..

@pictish

If you’re referring to my post asking whether people would be saying the same if he’d been caught having a drink, I think you misunderstand me. The OP can draw her line in the sand wherever she pleases. I’m not disputing that at all. What I was commenting on was the ensuing drama from posters on the thread equating him with being a druggy, an addict and a liar. I doubt they’d have been so florid in their responses if she’s caught him having a can of beer despite claiming to be a tea-totaller. What’s the harm in a can of beer with a friend after all? The advice would have been different. So...happy to encourage the end of the relationship over a joint with a pal...willing to bet she’d have been called demanding and/or controlling if it had been an artisan bloody cider.

It’s not about the spliff or alcohol, or a cup of tea, it’s about the lie. It doesn’t matter what he lies about, it’s the fact that he lied.

Sure.

He's left me flowers and just poured out his heart saying he was wrong, he's not perfect etc etc. His goal is to quit but wants to be honest from now on by saying he may have one occasionally, doesn't want to let me down.
I'm staying strong , as much as I just want to hug him and be happy I know he's done wrong

You might need to do the freedom programme again OP. if you fall for that one.

Falling

Definitely. He is the liar and persuader catagory I believe. As he's now brought flowers to make up for the lie

Well done Mel.

You know you deserve better right?

You are young. You are articulate and smart. You deserve someone worthy of you. is he it? A liar and a drug abuser? No. Maybe he will sort hismelf out. Hope so for his sake. But you don't need to carry or fix his shit. You have a bright glittering life ahead of you.

Go and get that life. Do not saddle yourself with this person.

If he thinks he can smooth being a liar over with flowers then that's worrying.

And besides, what would accepting them say about the nature of the relationship and how it should continue?

I'd thank him and accept his appology, but I'd also end the relationship.