New man overstepped my boundary by lying. What should I do?

[Mel328]

Hi MN
Im 28 and have been seeing a man I met from a dating website now for five weeks now and we're pretty close, we have spent a lot time together. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. I did the freedom programme due to my last abusive relationship so I made sure I made it clear what my boundaries were and what I expect from us dating. We seemed on the same page until last night! From the beginning I told him I'm not into drugs and would want someone similar. He said he used to smoke weed but hasn't touched it in months because he'd love to completely come off it. My gut told me that wasn't true so I would occasionally bring it up and he would always reassure me. Deep down I knew he was lying but I felt he was too scared to admit. Last night it all came out, I went to his place after his friend left and it smelt of weed. He fully admitted he had touched it and said it's something he does occasionally, once a month when he see's a friend. I told him, it's not the weed that's an issue now, it's the lie. You took away my chance to make a decision about us before getting emotional invested. I told him I deserve better than to be lied to and he couldn't stop apologising, saying the usual "He was scared to lose me, he was selfish" If he had been honest from the beginning, I think I could have accepted him doing it occasionally as we got along so well. Now that the feelings are so strong, my head is all over the place. I want to make the right decision as I messed up so bad in my past relationships. Can anyone advise me?

I have had colds that have lasted longer than your relationship.

I would worry about this. I can see how a lie would happen, because it's the start of a relationship and you tell a few white lies because it's amazing and those white lies snowball and suddenly you're wondering what on earth to say. It's not been a thing for me, but I can see how it could happen.

And the rushing is a little weird, but sometimes you just click. I got engaged 12 days after starting dating (though I'd known him well for a lot longer) and we've been married over twenty years.

I suggest that you cool things down a little and take a step back. Slow the pace down. It will give you a chance to think. It will also give you a chance to see how your boyfriend reacts. If he accepts it and works with it, that's great. If he pushes back about what you want, that's not great.

You also need to think carefully, away from him, about how you feel about him regularly hanging out with users and occasionally using himself. You made that line in the sand for a reason.

Good luck.

[quote WouldBeGood]**@Mel328 I know it’s really hard but you know you’re right, although it’s really disappointing and all that new relationship excitement gone.

It’s really good though that you’re setting boundaries especially as you’re young. I am just learning now at fifty! Stick to your guns. No lying isn’t much to ask.[/quote]
Same here! similar age and wishing I'd had boundaries when I was young. Take my hat off to @Mel328

Ad others have said, the biggervred flag is being 'emotionally invested and very close' after just 5 weeks.

If this was 5 months then maybe it would maybe be a bit of a dilemma. But at 5 weeks, I think it would do you better to walk away. Especially considering you have had abusive relationships in the past.

He lies and be does something that for you,is a non negotiable in men you want to date. And you are allowed to have those. Walk away.

You seem to be backtracking on your boundary.

What’s he like generally?

Have you any other concerns?

There is no point telling yourself you have boundaries if the moment a bloke doesn't respect them, you find a reason to give him another chance so no, you are not being unreasonable at all

Ooh dear just read the part about having met his family and being called his gf 5 weeks in too. Too fast alert! Sounds like he may have been 'love bombing' you? Honestly op the lying and weed sounds like it may just be icing on the cake. You might have to tune up your abuser spotting radar.

@category12

Don't you see that the rushing of the relationship is a red flag? In 5 weeks, his mum is calling you his girlfriend? That's not a positive, it's a red flag 🚩.

Agree. Lovebombers rush you and don't respect your pace

Ew, yes, walk away. Lying drug-users are not a catch. Well done for challenging him and wanting control of your choices.

@Mel328

Please be kind, I've even met his family and his Mum even calls me his girlfriend. I can see from everyone's posts what I need to do, Thankyou

You shouldn't be doing this with a 5 week relationship. Go MUCH slower in future

Take it from some one who was married to some one who told ‘white lies’ - ditch him.

Your reality will never be true

You are not ‘close’ to someone after knowing them for 5 weeks.

Walk away. If you don’t, you’ll have taught him that your boundaries can be ignored.

It all sounds a bit much. It's been 5 measly weeks. If you have found something that irks you, move on.

Agreed you need to take things slower especially if you’ve had previously abusive relationships. It’s fantastic you put down a boundary about drug use and are trying to enforce it. But boundaries are about so much more than just the shitty behaviour that’s a dealbreaker.

If you had gone more slowly with this man and found out five weeks in he lied about drug use you would not be in such a dilemma about what to do, because you would not have emotionally invested as much.

I think it might be worth doing some more work on your boundaries - which don’t just include what you don’t want from someone else but also your own behaviour. Boundaries go both ways and it’s possible to have flimsy boundaries yourself by rushing relationships and emotionally investing too quickly.

I’ve been in a very similar relationship and I ended up putting up with 4 years of a really rubbish relationship looking back . We felt like the best of friends when we first met and it was really happy and massively hit it off in an instant. Looking back I often wish I had walked at the first sign of drug use as it just became a battleground and didn’t benefit either of us.

He is now happily with someone who enjoys recreational drugs and I’m happily with someone who doesn’t. You are far better off cutting your loses early on and walking away enforcing your boundary than letting this go on.

My exes family and friends were weed smokers too so it was completely normal for them and a whole other aspect of his world that I just wasn’t involved in and had no connection to.

It was a massive divider for us especially as he hid it from me for 3 years and would just lie and be defensive before he eventually admitted it.

Cut your loses and find someone who is more inline with your beliefs , it’s definitely makes a better life. It’s tough to deal with the
‘What if’ but no matter how much he feels he cares for you, it’s part of him, how he socialises and how he relaxes. It’s hard to give that up for anyone as it’s actually quite a big part of your life even if it’s not everyday.

Yes it's the lie that is the issue now. Trust is my number one demand in a relationship.
You could give him a second chance but the longer it goes on, the more invested in the relationship you will be, and the harder to finish it. Do you really want a bf who is into drugs anyway?

I feel like because you see him as a "catch" with his own car and house, and because he's lovebombed you & made you feel accepted by his family, you're about to overlook two of your own stated dealbreakers.

This is where the lies and pushing back of your boundaries further will start from.

His "apology" was that He was scared to lose me That's immediate dumping territory in my book. He has just told you that he thinks it perfectly reasonable to lie through his teeth to you to make you do something you wouldn't do if you knew the truth.

The 5 week intensity is a huge red flag. Love bombing. You should be alarmed by it.

It seems you haven't dumped him yet. You are walking into another abusive relationship. No, not walking running and jumping head first despite the many warning flags. Why?

If you stay with him you will be in a relationship with a person who smokes weed regularly. Who knows that he can just say he was scared to lose you and you will backtrack on what is important to you. How do you think that will go long term??

His mum knows you are a catch and wants you to do the work to stop her sons bad habits.

All the reasons you give to stay with him are things that benefit him. They don’t benefit you.

You need to look out for yourself because no one else has your best interests at heart as much as you do.

It may feel hard but move on. Take some time to mourn and learn from this and realise that your actions will put you in a position to have a successful loving relationship with someone who is worthy of you. Good luck

There are plenty of men out there who don’t do drugs. And have a house and car. Keep looking - move on 👍

Not convinced the Op will move on.

This is how people keep repeating toxic relationships.

Sounds harsh, but if you can't see the red flags and make the break after only 5 weeks, then you're the one with the real addictive problem.

Telling her she shouldn’t be invested is useless. She is. Some people are early.

How is it helpful to tell her after the fact she shouldn’t be?

You know your boundaries and he does too.

You could walk away now and don't look back. (this is 100% what I think you should do)

You could give him an ultimatum and say the weed has to stop and so do the lies or we have no chance. If you give him a chance though and he agrees to stop, you have to leave if he fucks up again. No more chances.

Weed is not something I would want my children to be brought up around, and I would not want me relationship to be dictated by it. It's a horrible thing when it gets into someone's head.