New man overstepped my boundary by lying. What should I do?

[Mel328]

Hi MN
Im 28 and have been seeing a man I met from a dating website now for five weeks now and we're pretty close, we have spent a lot time together. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. I did the freedom programme due to my last abusive relationship so I made sure I made it clear what my boundaries were and what I expect from us dating. We seemed on the same page until last night! From the beginning I told him I'm not into drugs and would want someone similar. He said he used to smoke weed but hasn't touched it in months because he'd love to completely come off it. My gut told me that wasn't true so I would occasionally bring it up and he would always reassure me. Deep down I knew he was lying but I felt he was too scared to admit. Last night it all came out, I went to his place after his friend left and it smelt of weed. He fully admitted he had touched it and said it's something he does occasionally, once a month when he see's a friend. I told him, it's not the weed that's an issue now, it's the lie. You took away my chance to make a decision about us before getting emotional invested. I told him I deserve better than to be lied to and he couldn't stop apologising, saying the usual "He was scared to lose me, he was selfish" If he had been honest from the beginning, I think I could have accepted him doing it occasionally as we got along so well. Now that the feelings are so strong, my head is all over the place. I want to make the right decision as I messed up so bad in my past relationships. Can anyone advise me?

@LovePoppy

Telling her she shouldn’t be invested is useless. She is. Some people are early.

How is it helpful to tell her after the fact she shouldn’t be?

Because people who have normalised abusive relationships in the past, like OP, don't know what is actually normal and what is a big red flag.

Abusive relationships warp your own sense of normal. It is often helpful to be told that your behaviour is abnormal. Going along with the lovebombing is abnormal. She needs to keep an eye on that still fucked up part of her psyche.

Ugh keep walking op. Well done.

@Porridgeoat

If he is smoking cannabis once a month I think that’s fine, the same as having a piss up and getting drunk on alcohol once a month.

About the lie. If he’s genuinely a lovely man I would give him one second chance. Youve discussed his dishonesty and he knows it will end the relationship if repeated. Everyone makes mistakes and if he learns from this then it will make your relationship stronger long term.

I'd have to disagree.

If (for example) you'd previously been with a violent alcoholic and this time round didn't want someone who drank, you wouldn't be pleased if your new partner got really pissed once a month. It's not the drinking (or in this case the drugs) per se. It's what they represent to you and what your partner is capable of when they take them.

Porridgeoat - apologies re my previous post. I just read another post from the OP saying it's not the weed that's the problem but the lies!

What makes you sure this proven liar is telling the truth now about his drug usage?

I think he will do it in secret should you progress the relationship. In end, it will not be a good relationship. If you met a person who smokes and they tell you that they will give up because you are anti smoking. They will always return to it during difficult times or stress.

Learn to cut your losses early. Life is stress enough to tell an adult not to do something.

I'm not even sure the five weeks is relevant. Read back your own words below. This is something that has been under the surface since the beginning. You know what to do.

My gut told me that wasn't true so I would occasionally bring it up and he would always reassure me. Deep down I knew he was lying but I felt he was too scared to admit it

Leave him because drug use is not okay for you but next time round remember that people don’t want to fully disclose everything right at the start. That’s way too intense. You shouldn’t be expecting to know someone after a few weeks.

Also, if I’d met a random off the internet I don’t think I’d want them to know if I was doing anything illegal.

I think you need to revisit the freedom program. You are emotionally invested too soon and you know he broke your boundary, you don't need to ask on here what to do, you know you need to walk away from him now.

Did you even know he smoked? Or is he only smoking when he's doing the weed?

Make the new man an ex man.

As everyone has said, walk away now. You have a boundary, but he crossed it.

It's a huge step to have boundaries, but even more important is to show that the boundaries are important to you and that you will stick to them. If you let him cross one boundary now, he will not respect your other boundaries later.

5 weeks is nothing in the scheme of things. He's lied, he's still using drugs, and you don't want a man that does either. So you don't want him.

Having been there myself, this is a warning sign even without the weed...

I've never felt such a connection with someone before.

I've never felt loved bombed to be honest. There's been no expensive gifts, we've paid equally on dates, he's been pretty chilled out. We just got along so well and then his Mum was on speaker phone , asking about me "How's your little lady doing?" And he got embarrassed. Then we went round his Mums to drop off something and she was really welcoming.
The lying is a deal breaker for me that's the thing. I just hate lying so much.

He was brought up around weed, brother does it and cousins do it. His mum wants him to stop it as she's against it too. He said his intention was to quit when he met me but he's constantly around it when he sees his friends.

He is still lying. Nobody with that much involvement around weed only does it occasionally.

Don’t tell a new man your boundaries, a fibber will just tell you you what you want to hear. Also how long had you known each other before you had this supernatural connection? Not long enough. A deal breaker is a deal breaker, don’t compromise on smoking weed, he probably does it more than he’s telling you and it does get the way of relationships.

Take lessons from this man and move in, it can take years to find the right one. Also become as independent as you can and be the person who chooses.

It is more that you feel so connected so quickly.

You are getting too close too quickly, and whilst you have boundaries which is great, you aren’t putting up early emotional boundaries... take it slower. Just saying as I’ve been there!

I married this man. Well not this man but you know what I mean. I was exactly like you. He is/was exactly like your boyfriend. This exact same scenario happened at a couple of months in. I am naive and stupid and I overlooked it. I married this man and his weed habit has dominated our marriage. It’s all fine and you can minimise it until you live together and have kids and he’s giving it up and then you come home with a baby and you can smell it and the circle goes round and round and let me tell you right now. He doesn’t “just do it once a month” you know that. Just like you know that he lied. It’s another lie. He is minimising again. My life is shit and ruined by being with somebody like this. When he gets older the paranoia and mood swings and aggressive nature gets worse the longer the weed is around. Do you really want to spend your life worrying about this or sniffing the air or nagging or feeling upset or feeling worthless or having kids and being trapped because weed is”not bad enough to end a marriage over” is that REALLY the life you want?do you?
The least I can do is now act as a warning sign to other women of your age. You have your whole life in front of you. End this now. Stick to your boundaries. Zero tolerance. Find somebody who thinks and acts the way you do. That way you have a chance at a happy life. You are already upset and posting on a help forum at 5 weeks into the relationship. It’s a deal breaker. DEAL BREAKER. Trust me. You will thank your lucky stars when you have kids with somebody who looks at you with clear and interested eyes rather than that dull, spaced out, can’t be arsed with anything stare.
Get him gone.

You sound more interested in his mum than him to be honest! You aren’t dating his mother! Her behaviour and opinion are irrelevant. You know this. Come on...

OP, whether or not you dump this guy, I agree with others that you need to take things more slowly. Five weeks is very very early in a relationship. Getting so emotionally attached so soon means that this sort of situation is more likely to happen to you. Try to relax and spend more time at the start of a relationship just having fun, getting to know each other and not worrying if it is developing into something serious.

This is interesting, weed is a drug like alcohol. I don’t drink and if a new partner told me they didn’t drink and I caught them personally I would walk away. The lie is the point, not what category of drug they’re taking.

The lie is the point. Also when people talk about “druggies” aren’t we all “druggies” in our way? Most people drink caffeine and alcohol, ok being with a coffee head is no big deal but alcoholics can be the worst people on the planet. Why is there such a big divide between a weed and booze habit?

The lying is a deal breaker for me that's the thing. I just hate lying so much.

Then what are you waiting for ? Dump him.

Move on. Dump now. Boundaries are just that.

The lying is a deal breaker for me that's the thing.

Then you dump him, because he lied!

It's only 'the thing' as in 'the tricky thing abou this situation' if it turns out that your boundary on this isn't actually your boundary, you say it is to feel in control but actually, you are going to let it go.

That choice is up to you.

Incidentally, at 5 weeks in, the situation you describe sounds waaaaay over the top. Next time, keep your distance a bit until you ACTUALLY know someone, rather than being in a whirl after 5 weeks of love bombing by what sounds like a fairly non-keeper guy and a mother that's clearly desperate to get him fixed up with a nice girl who will take over the job of maintaining him.

If lying is a boundary for you, you dump this guy. The end.