New man overstepped my boundary by lying. What should I do?

[Mel328]

Hi MN
Im 28 and have been seeing a man I met from a dating website now for five weeks now and we're pretty close, we have spent a lot time together. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. I did the freedom programme due to my last abusive relationship so I made sure I made it clear what my boundaries were and what I expect from us dating. We seemed on the same page until last night! From the beginning I told him I'm not into drugs and would want someone similar. He said he used to smoke weed but hasn't touched it in months because he'd love to completely come off it. My gut told me that wasn't true so I would occasionally bring it up and he would always reassure me. Deep down I knew he was lying but I felt he was too scared to admit. Last night it all came out, I went to his place after his friend left and it smelt of weed. He fully admitted he had touched it and said it's something he does occasionally, once a month when he see's a friend. I told him, it's not the weed that's an issue now, it's the lie. You took away my chance to make a decision about us before getting emotional invested. I told him I deserve better than to be lied to and he couldn't stop apologising, saying the usual "He was scared to lose me, he was selfish" If he had been honest from the beginning, I think I could have accepted him doing it occasionally as we got along so well. Now that the feelings are so strong, my head is all over the place. I want to make the right decision as I messed up so bad in my past relationships. Can anyone advise me?

There's no point having a boundary if you don't keep to it. If the first thing you do when a boundary is crossed is ditch it, then you haven't learnt enough from the freedom programme. He's lied, he's a drug-user - that's two big breaches.

I'm a bit concerned by how much you seem invested in such a short time. You say you've spent a lot of time together in five weeks - maybe next time you need to go slower. Don't spend loads and loads of time with someone straight away, have a date or two a week, have other things going on in your life, don't drop everything and make a man central to your life.

If he is smoking cannabis once a month I think that’s fine, the same as having a piss up and getting drunk on alcohol once a month.

About the lie. If he’s genuinely a lovely man I would give him one second chance. Youve discussed his dishonesty and he knows it will end the relationship if repeated. Everyone makes mistakes and if he learns from this then it will make your relationship stronger long term.

I love what you said to him. That's brilliant. Keep that up and you can't go far wrong... He really likes you and told what was probably in his mind 'a little white lie'... That tells you he thinks those are (at least) ok sometimes. He knew honesty and drug use were very important to you but acted on his own moral compass anyway (relationship is very young, so not making changes for you is no red flag at that stage... but that tells you there are some fundamentals which you aren't aligned on). He either did think ahead but thought you wouldn't find out / didn't think ahead or take you seriously that it mattered, which isn't great depth of thinking.
None of those things are selling him to me

If he’s genuinely lovely I would give him one second chance

I say this as someone who has never been treated badly by men

@Mel328

Thankyou Grobags It did feel amazing to stand up for myself!

Well done. These guys won't change. Love yourself and move on

Don't you see that the rushing of the relationship is a red flag? In 5 weeks, his mum is calling you his girlfriend? That's not a positive, it's a red flag 🚩.

@pictish

I wonder how people would react if he said he was tea total but had been ‘caught’ having a drink with a friend?

Would he be an addict and a liar then?

Yes. Because he lied. And you lie when you hide something

@pictish

I wonder how people would react if he said he was tea total but had been ‘caught’ having a drink with a friend?

Would he be an addict and a liar then?

He would be a liar. There is no grey area, it’s black and white, lie or truth.

You did five weeks. I'm my books, all relationships have a three month trial period 😂 and even then you can still leave whenever something stops fitting. You don't owe him any more of your time. You stated no drugs, but because you liked him you could have put up with it. No. If you stated no drugs, then no drugs or is. Don't bend your morals because of physical or emotional attraction, it won't last. There are billions of people in the world, keep going until you find the right one.

I can't stand liars but I think he lied to you because he really likes you. If he didn't, he wouldn't be that bothered.
Having said that, your boundary is no to drugs and he clearly hasn't left his drug taking behind, so that alone would swing it for me.
If he's lied about still using weed, I'd be wondering if he's lied about anything else.

@rainbowstardrops

I can't stand liars but I think he lied to you because he really likes you. If he didn't, he wouldn't be that bothered. Having said that, your boundary is no to drugs and he clearly hasn't left his drug taking behind, so that alone would swing it for me. If he's lied about still using weed, I'd be wondering if he's lied about anything else.

No.

Just. No.

People lie to serve their own needs. If ( IF PFFT!!) he lied ' because he liked her' then he may like her, but he has no respect.

The ' lied because he likes her' is still preserving his own selfish aims.

But lying "because he likes you" doesn't make it better, it makes it worse. It doesn't respect her boundaries or respect her as a person, it's trying to go round them.

It's saying - my want (to be with you) is more important than your need (making informed choices about your own life).

I agree that his mum calling you his girlfrient after 5 weeks is a red flag!!

He lied about drug use. Total no-go area for me. But maybe that is because I have never done drugs. And maybe also because I work in a job that has to mop up the emotional and relationship fallout that comes from drug abuse so work with drug users every day of my life.

I've been in a very toxic relationship with a narcissistic man before for 5 years so trust me when I tell you I pick them !! Lol😂
An occasional smoke wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but for you it is . What really jumps out at me is the length of time you have been together. I see a small red flag it's like your angry at him but I don't feel no matter what anyone says that you will break it off with him and I completely understand that attachment style in relationships I'm a get very close very quick kinda girl too . You just cannot carry on blindly though . Do a little rooting around find out his past .. is he amicable with ex's? Does he get on well with his family circle in general ? Has he his life organized as in car , job ,own place etc ... If he is it's a very good sign that he has it together and enjoys a smoke 💨 and was just afraid to turn you off . If not though and this is the part you CANNOT ignore no matter what yarn he will spin you if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a duck 🦆 hopefully for you it's just this one thing and you can either accept it or if not then he could stop smoking if ye really wanna be together. But don't ignore this it's a red flag 🚩 you didn't do the freedom program for nothing....
good luck to ya with it 💗🤘

It’s only a boundary if you enforce it. If you accept him breaking it then it stops being boundary and becomes a vague preference or ideal. You kind of knew from the start that he wasn’t being honest about his weed use but you didn’t enforce your boundary then. Don’t make the same mistake now your suspicions have been proved right. Move on to find someone worthy of you.

Yeah he has a job, house, car etc. He was brought up around weed, brother does it and cousins do it. His mum wants him to stop it as she's against it too. He said his intention was to quit when he met me but he's constantly around it when he sees his friends. He's said the balls in my court now which I know full well is. I'm going to take on board everything said too

I’d be so upset about this lie. What else is he lying about?

For me, trust would be broken.

I’m sorry OP

You're overinvested after 5 weeks really.
If this is really a boundary for you then dump him or he'll just keep lying to you

You can do better than somebody who faked being on the same page as you.

I'm sure there was huge overlap and that you were genuinely connecting!! But he also faked being 100% on the same page. I wouldn't like that.

Is very hard to trust in your own right to have a standard after an abusive relationship. I sympathise. I always felt I needed PROOF of their wrongdoing in order to have the right to end a relationship. I knwo that is crazy but that is how I used to feel.

I've got better now. I just feel ''this isn't right and I end it'' but I used to wind me self up in court room style knots. Can i end it,would i have the right to end it, should I end it. etc etc.

Trust you gut.

It is VERY COMMON for new relationships to feel amazing at first but luckily your gut alerted you to what will take you down eventually. And it will.

5 weeks? Barely a month?

You shouldn't be that invested to begin with.

But anyway, he lied to you about drug use knowing how you felt about it. Because HE didn't want to lose something. Get rid.

I'd go back into counselling.

It's a red flag that you got so close so quickly and say 'you never felt like this before'. Red flags everywhere. Now you know he's lied to you. It's 5 weeks in. Please just walk away from him. It doesn't matter if he's a narcissist or great guy really - it's not your job to decide that. Your job is to protect yourself. He overstepped your clear boundaries and lied. You will feel better to let this one go.

@Mel328

Yeah he has a job, house, car etc. He was brought up around weed, brother does it and cousins do it. His mum wants him to stop it as she's against it too. He said his intention was to quit when he met me but he's constantly around it when he sees his friends. He's said the balls in my court now which I know full well is. I'm going to take on board everything said too

You're only 28!

It's not a big deal. It started out great but it turns out you're on different pages. You have your own agenda to live a healthier life with somebody who shares your views. That is not unreasonable or impossible. Don't give up on your own agenda to be maleable to his

@Mel328 I know it’s really hard but you know you’re right, although it’s really disappointing and all that new relationship excitement gone.

It’s really good though that you’re setting boundaries especially as you’re young. I am just learning now at fifty! Stick to your guns. No lying isn’t much to ask.

and even if he does quit, you'll be at some point cast in the role of the 'nag'.

If he feels in love he may be motivated to swear blind that the time is right, he wants to give it up etc, but if it's his family culture, then before too long he'll feel resentful that he was ''nagged'' in to giving up something that is so normal to him.

I dated a man who drank too much and when things were really good between us to begin with he was going to drink less! blah blah, he'd wanted to drink less for a while anyway, it was no sacrifice honestly, he was doing it for himself not me, et cetera. But before too long he was misleading me. Pretending he was watching a film with his Dad when he was out drinking and watching football and then saying the next day that he was sick with a cold and actually visibly taking lemsip in front of me when he was in fact hungover.

I am not some nagging bitch that wants to prevent somebody from watching football but I had been cast in that role. Simply because to begin with he wanted to be up to my standard. But he actually wasn't up to my standard and then he felt resentful about that.

Sorry. Lot of projection there! But maybe some of it resonates and helps.