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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To split up with DH because of MIL

137 replies

WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 07:02

Bit of a long story. When we first met MIL was nice and friendly, then we got married and she started acting really strange; sending DH weird messages about how she feels left out now he is married and has his own life, bear in mind though she has never been really close to him, never visited us, it was always us going to see her/calling to speak to her.

We now have DC and she has never showed any interest in them, if DH didn't take them to her house she wouldn't see them and I don't think she would care. DH asked if she could have the kids for an hour while we work she just said no, then I see her with SIL children all the time; my DC see it and ask why they can't see grandma but other grandchild is always there. There are other things but can't really go into without outing. If we drive past her house she phones asking where we are going or if she drives past our house and my car is parked up she will text him asking why I'm not in work.

Anyway when I mention to DH he takes her side, says he sees my point but it's his mum. I can't bear it anymore

OP posts:

Womencanlift · 30/08/2020 07:10

My reply to your DH would be well I am the mum of our DC and I won’t have them feeling sidelined by your mums behaviour

I never usually go for the ‘nuclear family is the most important’ thinking on MN but in cases like this he needs to make a choice between the feelings of his mum or his DC

CheesyGhost · 30/08/2020 07:12

You want to end your relationship with the man you made vows to love forever, for better or worse and the father of your children because you don't like his Mother because she's a bit annoying and you think she doesn't spend enough time with your children. If you're that throw away about your marriage in the first place then why on Earth did you marry him?
How about you talk to her about your issues? What exactly do you expect your DH to do about it? Her behaviour is not his fault and what do you want him to do when you're moaning at him about her? Disown her? Never speak to her again? Move quietly with you in the dead of night and leave no forwarding address?

billybagpuss · 30/08/2020 07:13

I think it really depends how much she is impacting on your relationship with DH. Everything you’ve said can be handled by going LC, ignoring her and letting him deal with her when necessary.

If you are happy with DH otherwise stay.

Original poster

WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 07:14

I have spoken to him and his reply is 'well it's my mum'. What I would like is him to do is tell her the ways she treats my DC and even DH isn't acceptable but he won't. I'd tell her, in a nice way, but he says no.

OP posts:

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 30/08/2020 07:15

Are you happily married to DH? If you are I wouldn't throw away a marriage just because of mil

For your own sanity you need to take a step back from her....if she won't visit you, then just don't visit her house (obviously she can get to your house if she really wants to if she is driving past in her car)

If she texts asking where you are going if you drive past her house, don't reply or keep answers vague....if she texts your husband about your car being in driveway and you aren't at work, tell him not to reply or if he does, keep it to "I already know"

If she calls your house, screen her calls so you can choose when to speak to her and when to let her calls go to voicemail...I would make a point of only replying to normal calls and not the whiny needy calls...

And if she won't have the children, then don't ask or offer again,

Seriously, take a step back from it all , you will feel much better when you don't let her get to you

MistressMounthaven · 30/08/2020 07:20

how do the DCs know she has her DD's children there.
I'm sceptical that the DCs are complaining that DM is ignoring them without overhearing adults discussing it.
If she favours her DD's DCs then there is little you can do. Just keep yours busy elsewhere. Kids take up their parents issues imv. Don't discuss her around them. And go low contact.
Tell DH not to tell you if she is txting about you - why are you debating this.

JoJoSM2 · 30/08/2020 07:24

Your post doesn’t make sense. It sounds like you want to end your marriage because you find MIL annoying by you barely see her anyway???

I can see you’re jealous that she spends more time with other grandchildren but why are bitter about that if don’t even like her?

MrsCl19 · 30/08/2020 07:25

I have a similar mil, she's not nasty though she's just not interested in our dc. We won't take dc to her house as her dh smoked inside and we didn't want dc to be in that environment and I can count on one hand the amount of times she's seen dc other than parties we've had for dc.

My dh has a different approach though he's very much you make the effort or don't see dc, dc is only 2.5 though so if she doesn't see people there just not relevant. Dh goes to see her but she's only interested in sil children

No advice really but depending on Children’s ages if verge on being honest ish

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 30/08/2020 07:28

MiL feels left out. The DC feel left out. Surely there is a more straightforward solution than divorcing DH?

Redcups64 · 30/08/2020 07:29

Sounds like you have let her under your skin when you don’t need too.

What difference would it make your DH saying something to her? Probably none.

Go low contact and get her out of your head, your fixating and it’s best to stop things like that sooner rather than later!

I’m sure your DH sees this and us hurt by it himself.

Original poster

WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 07:29

@JoJoSM2 more because DH does not stand up to her. I don't want to see her, doesn't bother me int be slightest, but DH and DC would like to see her but she is not interested in them. Before covid they used to have an hour slot on a Wednesday when they could go round (DH and DC) but when the hour was up they had to go - it's all a bit strange. But we see SIL DC there all day, we see them in the park together when we go they are there. I just want DH to ask her why?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 07:31

@MrsCl19 sounds exactly like my MIL. She doesn't even come to the dc birthday party when invited. I wish my DH would take more of an approach like your DH

OP posts:

tara66 · 30/08/2020 07:34

Just live with it - what you describe is not the end of the world. Get on with your own lives - you and your family.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 30/08/2020 07:34

Just disengage and stop caring what she does or doesn’t do. Fill your lives with other family, friends, keep the DC busy with other activities. Shrug your shoulders, expect nothing from her, be polite but uninvolved. Let DH deal with her.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 30/08/2020 07:37

I just want DH to ask her why?

But he’s a grown up, it’s his mum so it’s up to him. All you need to do is minimise the impact on your DC s and help them disengage from it.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 30/08/2020 07:39

You want do divorce because his mother doesn't show interest ? Surely you married DH not her !

Poor husband. The one that sounds controlling here is you OP.. 'Deal with your mother in a way I find acceptable - or I will divorce you) !

You are not interested in her - you see her seldom and she's fine with that . I can't see a problem.

Wherethenorthwindmeetsthesea · 30/08/2020 07:42

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

I just want DH to ask her why?

But he’s a grown up, it’s his mum so it’s up to him. All you need to do is minimise the impact on your DC s and help them disengage from it.

^^ This 100%

It's a bit controlling to insist that your DH deals with his DM the way you want him to. His mum so it's up to him as it's not affecting your day to day life.

Roselilly36 · 30/08/2020 07:44

What changed with your MIL OP? If she was friendly when you first met.

I can understand your DH not wanting to hear criticism of his mum. My DH wouldn’t like to hear that either, even though he often gets frustrated with his mum at times.

But why would you consider divorcing him over his mum, seems radical, assuming all is well otherwise. These are my first thoughts but sounds like there is a lot more going on then you want to divulge here.

It’s obviously really getting you down can you try to speak to DH & reach some sort of agreement.

TrickyD · 30/08/2020 07:49

You resent your MIL’s lack of contact with your DCs, yet you are quite prepared to leave your DH and deprive, or at least greatly reduce, your DCs contact with him.

You sound controlling and very selfish.

Butchyrestingface · 30/08/2020 07:51

There are other things but can't really go into without outing

You really do need to go into the "other things"because otherwise you sound unreasonable to the point of batshittery.

Do you just want to leave your husband and are looking for an excuse? You don't need an excuse to leave a marriage you're unhappy with.

pictish · 30/08/2020 07:54

What is it you can’t bear any more? As far as I can tell there is very little going on here beyond the fact that your mil seems a bit disinterested.
Why do you need your dh to confront her? He doesn’t want to and it’s not your place to insist he does. Their relationship has no impact on you so I don’t understand why you’re considering splitting up with him. Because he won’t conduct his relationship according to your instructions? What?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2020 07:58

I agree with Butchy you really do need to explain more.

As your dcs are asking to see grandma, I think you should give an age appropriate response them as to why it is happening. How factual you are will be dependent on age.

BlueJava · 30/08/2020 07:58

There are obviously things behind your post about MIL that you haven't shared so it makes it hard to advise properly. However, I have assumed she is awful to you beyond what you mention so I think you have 2 options:

Firstly you could go NC with your ILs and perhaps have counselling to try and ensure you are not hurt by them and you completely disengage. Alternatively, if she is actually nasty to you and DH still has her round (so NC is impossible) then YANBU to leave. Just ensure you have explored all options first before taking a drastic step.

Absolutelylush · 30/08/2020 07:58

You hardly see her so I can’t see why you would end your marriage over it. Surely it’s possible to live a happy family life without her in it.

You can’t dictate to your h how to deal with it. How would your suggestions help anyway? If he asks, why do you have the other gc? He probably wouldn’t get an answer satisfactory to you anyway.

firsttimemummyxxxxx · 30/08/2020 08:00

I completely understand the frustration... unfortunately unless people have been in the situation, it is difficult for them to understand how much a MIL can affect your relationship!

Is it the case that you could just not go over and actually tell DH that you don’t want to talk about her at all or hear anything negative that she says? Does DH see any wrong in her or not?

I think you just need to be very clear with DH what you actually expect from him and go from there!

Hope it gets better x

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