To split up with DH because of MIL

[WhySoMuchMess]

Bit of a long story. When we first met MIL was nice and friendly, then we got married and she started acting really strange; sending DH weird messages about how she feels left out now he is married and has his own life, bear in mind though she has never been really close to him, never visited us, it was always us going to see her/calling to speak to her.

We now have DC and she has never showed any interest in them, if DH didn't take them to her house she wouldn't see them and I don't think she would care. DH asked if she could have the kids for an hour while we work she just said no, then I see her with SIL children all the time; my DC see it and ask why they can't see grandma but other grandchild is always there. There are other things but can't really go into without outing. If we drive past her house she phones asking where we are going or if she drives past our house and my car is parked up she will text him asking why I'm not in work.

Anyway when I mention to DH he takes her side, says he sees my point but it's his mum. I can't bear it anymore

@Joistlooking so sorry you have been through this I think we just need to accept that's the way she is, easier for me as I have my parents but will be hard for DH. I just can't understand how/why she is the way she is

LilyWater .... yep , agree totally.

[quote Unsure33]@TorkTorkBam

But in this case there does not appear to be an abusive marriage. Why should a husband “chose “ between his wife and his mother . If he wants a relationship and the wife does not then let him visit his mother on his own . The OP seems upset about rejection but obviously does not like MIL , but can live her life without involvement. Perhaps she should be grateful.[/quote]
You have misunderstood what I was saying.

OP is currently making him choose. She quite rightly does not want to be party to enabling the mum to hurt her DH.

She did not seem to realise there is a middle way where she does nothing to support nor to counter MIL's behaviour. She can take a 100% neutral stance. Acknowledge DH's statements about his mother without comment or judgement, at most perhaps gently acknowledging that this is the normal with MIL.

The opposite of making him choose.

OP chooses to step out of the ring instead of lobbing missiles and advice from the sidelines as now.

@WhySoMuchMess

OP

Don't do the whole, well if she's like that she's not seeing her GC.

It won't help, it's counterproductive and frankly isn't in your kids best interest.

I do get it, more than you know.

I took the view that my children needed to know both sides of the family, where they came from.

My darling mother died before they were born and I have a complicated relationship with my father. I won't go into his now wife!

But your children deserve to know both sides, and have the widest breadth of family as possible.

It may not be ideal, but your kids will make up their own mind. It's not for you to deny them this. Or deny your DH time with his DM and his children.

You are preoccupied with this. Leave your DH to deal with her. Don't ask him about her. If she sends him a text don't ask him what she said in it.
If your DH wants to see her more often that is his problem. Take the approach 'she's your mother'. Your kids will form whatever type of relationship develops between her and them. But you don't need to be commenting on that or taking sides.

It sounds as if you very much want him to show his mum that you are first in his life now.

Nothing wrong with that but it seems that you want that so much you are prepared to hold a gun to his head by letting him know you will divorce him if he doesn't do it.

Be careful with that. No-one likes to be forced, to feel pushed and even if he does do what you want in order to avoid the high price that you will extract if he doesn't comply, that doesn't mean that he won't resent you and that hole will be a difficult one to repair.

It could be a pyrrhic victory for you. Divorce might be on the cards later down the line but you might find yourself being the one divorced.

My annoyance would be that he even gives her the time of day.

I've never heard of grandparents giving a one hour time slot to visit...it's like a scheduled prison visit.

It's these kind of grandparents who want their kids rallying round them in old age....perhaps you might move really far away from her by then and leave it to SIL

You can't change your DH's behaviour.
But you can maybe talk to him about his feelings of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that he appears to be suffering from - his desperation to accept any crumbs of recognition or affection from his mother, who is obviously not interested in him or his children, is sad to see BUT it is understandable if he's been treated this way his whole life.

Maybe you're thinking he's not man enough - maybe you've lost respect for him - but rather than drag him down more, by divorcing him, it might be a better option to get him some resources to help him get out of the FOG he is in with his mother.

She won't change. Sounds like you could cut her off completely and she probably wouldn't even notice. It's up to your DH to choose to do that for himself though - but you do have some say when it comes to your DC. They've already noticed that MIL isn't interested in them as much as their cousins - your play here is to ensure that they realise that that is HER problem, and nothing to do with them as people, because they are great and she has Issues.

You need to ensure that they are confident enough in themselves that they don't have to beg for crumbs of affection from that woman - that they know they are loved and lovely, but that she is incapable of giving them that, and that is down to her, not them.

Let your DH manage his mother his own way but offer him support and guidance in terms of how he responds to her - let him know that it's ok for him to walk away, as it appears she would without a backward glance. :(

OP can’t fully ‘stay neutral’ because she needs to look out for the DCs’ interests and - eg if they ask Qs as they’ve done about MiL’s different treatment of their cousins, or express their views/feelings - explain the situation to them, in age appropriate terms.

Unfortunately OP’s DH doesn’t seem to be able to do this well, on this specific issue/relationship.

It’s not a given that spending lots of time with GPs is a good thing!

In this case, low contact, and no unsupervised contact, with MiL, is probably in the DCs’ interests. Sounds like this is actually the set up at present, and what MiL wants too.

I had ‘problem’ GPs with whom we had some but limited contact and in the main the boundaries my parents set up worked well - problems arose when we had unsupervised contact (we didn’t tell them because as DC the issues were hard to articulate!)

One positive spin on this is when MIL is elderly/infirm you will feel zero obligation to help out...

SIL always got financial and practical help etc so SIL can return the favour. We moved away in the end because it was less painful for DH.

@WhySoMuchMess You need to step back and leave it as it is. You can't change things so stop focusing on trying to.

You can't make your DH choose between you and his DM.

You can't force MIL to treat you equally

Your DCs will take it all in their stride provided you stop stressing about it.

You can't change the dynamics here.

The only thing you can change is your attitude. Stop giving it headspace and be grateful your DH is a loving son despite his DMs awful attitude. That love extends to you and the DCs, that's what is important.

@WhySoMuchMess One thing that might be worth reflecting on - you find yourself feeling angry at your husband when you can identify this is actually deep sadness for him (at being rejected). You are actually considering another 'rejection' in leaving him because of how frustrated you feel.

Your response to your anger has been to ask him to confront his mum (which he likely knows will lead to more rejection). I dont know what your background was like but it will have been different from his and you are likely defaulting to a plan that would have helped 'sort things out' in your family of origin but is unlikely to be unhelpful in his (leading only to more rejection). If he did confront his mum and she still refused to spend more time with him etc it would be so painful because he cannot then tell himself the favouritism is accidental, she just doesnt realise etc etc etc

I agree that the best option would be for you to be low contact, and in yourself try to practice acceptance ("I know it's not right but I cannot change it"), show your children they are (equally) loved and prioritised, speak about it age appropriately as they grow ("you're right, granny x does spend more time with cousin but isnt it great you have me and daddy and granny y to take you to the beach tomorrow!") and rather than getting angry at your husband for not 'confronting' MIL practice expressing your true feelings about it, which it sounds like are "I love you and it makes me feel sad for you that she acts this way". Be cautious with the last bit as it's likely to be something that will be painful for him. You may benefit from couples therapy to help place you both back on the same time "us together against things that hurt us or which are difficult"

Hope that makes sense, appreciate it's a long post!