To split up with DH because of MIL

[WhySoMuchMess]

Bit of a long story. When we first met MIL was nice and friendly, then we got married and she started acting really strange; sending DH weird messages about how she feels left out now he is married and has his own life, bear in mind though she has never been really close to him, never visited us, it was always us going to see her/calling to speak to her.

We now have DC and she has never showed any interest in them, if DH didn't take them to her house she wouldn't see them and I don't think she would care. DH asked if she could have the kids for an hour while we work she just said no, then I see her with SIL children all the time; my DC see it and ask why they can't see grandma but other grandchild is always there. There are other things but can't really go into without outing. If we drive past her house she phones asking where we are going or if she drives past our house and my car is parked up she will text him asking why I'm not in work.

Anyway when I mention to DH he takes her side, says he sees my point but it's his mum. I can't bear it anymore

Well you pushing him to have an argument or "confront" his mother isn't going to help is it. If he wants to bring it up with his mum then he will. Perhaps you should but out and let him deal with his mum the way he wants to.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Are you MIL?

“ It actually makes me cry the way DH sees it as normal, the rejection.

I’ll say it again. Why on earth would you think that the next natural step should be to leave him?

Yes we get all that...but none of us understand why you want to initiate a split with him. It seems you expect to have some sort of influence over how he conducts his relationship with his mother and you feel aggrieved that he’s not doing as he’s told.
He doesn’t have to. It’s not your call.

You’re letting jealousy cloud your judgement.

Presumably your MIL has always had a close relationship with her daughter?

If your DH is OK with the level of contact, then you need to accept that.
If she isn’t interested in spending more time with your children, that’s entirely her choice. Just as it’s your choice whether to work or be a SAHP.

There’s no law saying that Grandmothers (is there a FIL?) have to want to spend all their spare time with their grandchildren, some do and others don’t. I see my DGS about once every 2 years because they live abroad but even if they lived in the same town, I doubt I’d be seeing them every week. We’ve all got our own lives to lead.

Is it the lack of free childcare that bothers you?

I wasn’t close to my grandparents and my D.C. didn’t have grandparents growing up, so I don’t think seeing the grandma on the odd occasion will negatively affect them growing up unless YOU make it into a big issue.

I agree that, from what you have written, the basis for splitting seems flimsy.

However, it rather depends on what effect his refusal to address this has had on your feelings for him - have you lost respect for him, fallen out of love with him etc.? If so, then in reality, divorce is your best option, if you can't see that changing.

There must be other, worse, things that your MIL has done but tbh, the unfairness in how she treats your DC seems to be your biggest bugbear here. It IS horrible, and I'm not surprised your DC are sad and confused by it - but it's not going to help them if you divorce their Dad over it - she's still not going to be interested in them!

Best thing is for you to manage their expectations of their unwilling grandma - in whatever way works for you. If your DH doesn't like it, then he needs to address the situation himself, which he won't, so tough.

Are your parents in the picture? Do they have other grandparents?

@GhostCurry because I don't know what else to do. I have this rage inside when I see the rejection, every time he speaks to her. Ive held it it for so long and I don't want to be apart of it anymore

We're just moving this thread over to relationships for the OP.

It actually makes me cry the way DH sees it as normal, the rejection
But it is normal for them so it isn't a rejection. You see it as rejection because you have different expectations. I know lots of grans/DMs who act the same as your MIL.

Tell him not to bring his mother up again.

Minimum standards, excellent precie of mils there!!

1,2 or 3.

Op remember, if you did split with him then he will carry on allowing your dc to be subjected to the 1 hour slot.

[quote WhySoMuchMess]@GhostCurry because I don't know what else to do. I have this rage inside when I see the rejection, every time he speaks to her. Ive held it it for so long and I don't want to be apart of it anymore [/quote]
That's why I suggested therapy. It will help you process strong emotions and manage them better. It will also help your DH with his unrequited efforts to form a relationship with his DM.

Try to cut the need for the co dependency and work on yourself and your relationship with your immediate family. That's all you can do OP.

Op, the bottom line is, he doesn't see it, you do. Let himself be subjected to this.

But draw a line in the sand re the children. Don't allow them to be used like this in an hour slot when other gc don't have this.

Say enough and they arnt going.

@WhySoMuchMess. You need to stop caring so much. She's not worth having a relationship with. When the DC are older, they will realise this but in the meantime I would just tell them that granny is a bit odd and they don't need to go and see her if they don't want to if they ask why she likes the other grandkids better.

If you love your DH, I would have thought that rather than leaving him, it would be better to be there for him if he eventually decides to cut his relationship with his mum. It has to be his decision though, poor man.

She sounds like a very manipulative women, who clearly favours one child and rejects the other, but now she is doing this with her GC. Your DH needs to address this with counselling as its probably been since childhood and he cant deal with it emotionally (she's crushed that) If your children are old enough, explain to them that she doesn't behave fairly towards others and its nothing to do with them or their DF.
I understand the sense of loss, my own mother was very disinterested in us as children, she's better now but favours my DS over my DN. My DS and I are close and try and rise above it. Helps that I moved away 25yrs ago, so only see them a couple times a year!

Your husband knows he'll be rejected every time he tries to make plans with her yet he chooses to keep doing it. That's on him, he can't change his mother but he can stop engaging in a pattern that he's creating for himself.
I don't see how leaving and heaping more rejection on him is your only solution.

[quote WhySoMuchMess]@GhostCurry because I don't know what else to do. I have this rage inside when I see the rejection, every time he speaks to her. Ive held it it for so long and I don't want to be apart of it anymore [/quote]
This rage is not a measured reaction and suggests you also have issues around rejection. If you didn’t, you’d be able to support your dh better. This is why Immigrant suggested you possibly need therapy to do this.

It is a lot less radical, far cheaper and less damaging to invest in yourself and your marriage than to let this split you and your dh. If you split, all you will do is reinforce how your dh feels and pass the feelings of inadequacy you and your dh both feel. You have a responsibility not to pass this burden onto your child now that you are aware of it.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I will have a read through them; some really good posts/advice

Your DH might benefit from some of the reading recommendations on the ‘stately homes’ threads.

WhySoMuchMess

You have likely come from an emotionally healthy family; your DH has clearly not been so lucky. Not all family members are safe to be around and his mother is not a safe person to be around either. Leaving your DH over this matter is I feel a step too far and a backwards step for you. She will certainly have "won" then. Do not give her any more power here.

It was a mistake to post this in AIBU at all because this is not and never was an AIBU issue.

It is not your fault nor your H's that his mother is like this and neither of you made her that way. People from dysfunctional families like your H's end up playing roles; he is likely to be the scapegoat here in his family of origin for all their inherent ills. The scapegoat's family including the children are also scapegoated. His sister, your SIL, is the favoured golden child and so her children are also treated similarly.

BTW is his mother still married to his father?. I ask as you do not mention FIL at all?.

Your H needs to find a BACP registered therapist and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. He really does think the sky will fall in or some other such calamity if he was to confront his mother in any way. Your H has been scapegoated in his family his whole life and that continues too; its of no real surprise to me that he is unable and unwilling to confront her. His own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his mother plays a huge part here but his inertia too when it comes to her hurts him too.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics.

I know it's hard for you to see how your DH is being hurt by his mum and you want him to stand up to her. I get that. But it really is for him to work it out. For him, it's what he knows. His mum has very likely been favouring his sister all his life, so he's used to it.

In our case, it's my DM who is the issue. My DH would make comments about the upbringing my siblings and I had (before all the memories of the childhood abuse came flooding back) and I really resented him for that at the time. But the more experience I had of healthy family relationships, the more I understood how toxic my childhood had been. (It was my late F who was the abuser and my DM the enabler.)

Your DH will see the close relationship you have with your parents and he'll come to understand that his mum has treated him unfairly all his life in favouring his Golden Child sister. But he has to work it out for himself. The more you press him about this, the more he'll resent you for it.

The best thing you can do is detach from this and go low contact with her, and say that your DH should visit his mum on his own without your DC, as clearly they're seeing the favouritism towards their cousins and being hurt by it.

@Spiderseason

Op, the bottom line is, he doesn't see it, you do. Let himself be subjected to this.

But draw a line in the sand re the children. Don't allow them to be used like this in an hour slot when other gc don't have this.

Say enough and they arnt going.

Your suggestion is actually using the children. for pure spite.

What terrible "advice".

You did not really know what his mother was like because you had very little to do with her at all prior to marriage. Its often only when the children are born that many people realise that their parents or for that matter inlaws, are not at all what they've appeared to be and it comes as a huge shock to them.

Narcissistic parents tend to do this whole golden child/scapegoat dynamic or divide and conquer with their now adult children and that all starts in their childhoods. Whatever the reasons for her acting like this, its not your fault nor your H's and you did not make her that way. Emotionally healthy people do not act like his mother has done here to both her now adult children so she is not anyway an emotionally healthy person to be at all around.

@AnyOldPrion

Breaking up your marriage is potentially far more damaging to your children than disinterested grandparents.

I stayed in an abusive marriage because “splitting up would damage the children” and because it was said that “children from broken homes don’t do as well”.

Then I realised years later that what I had done was allow my children to be verbally and mentally abused, and taught them that staying in an abusive relationship was acceptable.

The reason children in broken marriages do less well on average, is presumably because a good percentage of unbroken marriages actually work properly and don’t include an abusive parent.

It’s not the breaking up that does the damage, per se: it’s the problems that led to the break up. I misunderstood that for years.

This should be laminated.

It is having an abusive parent that makes the children troubled. Abusive parents are more likely than others to get divorced. It is not the divorce that fucks the children up. That's a just a symptom of the real underlying cause.

Thank you @Mittens030869 for your post, what you have said really does make sense. I will have a look at what you have suggested.