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Original poster

To split up with DH because of MIL

137 replies

WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 07:02

Bit of a long story. When we first met MIL was nice and friendly, then we got married and she started acting really strange; sending DH weird messages about how she feels left out now he is married and has his own life, bear in mind though she has never been really close to him, never visited us, it was always us going to see her/calling to speak to her.

We now have DC and she has never showed any interest in them, if DH didn't take them to her house she wouldn't see them and I don't think she would care. DH asked if she could have the kids for an hour while we work she just said no, then I see her with SIL children all the time; my DC see it and ask why they can't see grandma but other grandchild is always there. There are other things but can't really go into without outing. If we drive past her house she phones asking where we are going or if she drives past our house and my car is parked up she will text him asking why I'm not in work.

Anyway when I mention to DH he takes her side, says he sees my point but it's his mum. I can't bear it anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 10:21

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat for your post, what you have said really does make sense. I will have a look at what you have suggested.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2020 10:22

He may want to continue to have a "relationship" with his mother for his own reasons (these being out of fear, obligation and guilt) but it does not follow that you or the children have to do so. Your children are aware that she is not interested in them or for that matter you anyway.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/08/2020 10:23

You don't like MiL, but are irritated that she doesn't provide free child care - and think that's a reason to end your marriage Hmm

TorkTorkBam · 30/08/2020 10:25

[quote WhySoMuchMess]@GhostCurry because I don't know what else to do. I have this rage inside when I see the rejection, every time he speaks to her. Ive held it it for so long and I don't want to be apart of it anymore [/quote]
You can choose to let it go.

I recommend a key phrase or two you use over and over again, to him, to your DC, in your own mind.

Oh well, nevermind
Oh well, same as usual
Oh well, at least she is consistent
Oh well, life would be boring if everyone were the same

These are vague sympathetic statements to close down the angst.

Your angst about proper grandparenting needs managing too. It is completely normal for many children to not spend time with their grandparents.

Mittens030869 · 30/08/2020 10:25

*Your suggestion is actually using the children. for pure spite.

What terrible "advice".*

It's not spite at all. The children are being hurt by the favouritism towards their cousins and that isn't fair on them.

I had to stop allowing my DM to have regular contact with my DDs at the same time. She used to deal with DD1's behaviour (they're both adopted and DD1 also has SEN) by giving treats to DD2 and not to her. DD2 would then tease DD1 about it.

Not all grandparents are healthy for children to spend a lot of time around.

Original poster
WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 10:25

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay
Where have you got free childcare from, what are you actually talking aboutConfused. DH is always with the children IF they do see MIL

OP posts:
pictish · 30/08/2020 10:27

“Say enough and they aren’t going.”

Don’t do this. Very knee jerk, vitriolic advice, not to mention controlling and selfish.

pictish · 30/08/2020 10:28

mittens you’re projecting.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2020 10:30

Ridiculous thread, such an overreaction.

Mittens030869 · 30/08/2020 10:52

@pictish I don't think so. It's the blatant favouritism that's the problem here. The MIL limits her DS and his DC to one hour (timed) but doesn't do that with their cousins. This is now being noticed by the DC themselves.

If there wasn't this favouritism and the MIL simply didn't have much interest in her DGC, that wouldn't be an issue and the OP really would be being petty about it. (As grandparents don't have to take a lot of interest in their grandchildren, that is true.)

I'm not saying the OP's DH should limit contact with his mum, as that isn't the OP's call to make. But if the DC are being hurt, then that really isn't right.

justilou1 · 30/08/2020 11:15

I think you are extremely patient... I would have lost my rag and asked her why she was always such a bitch!

HappydaysArehere · 30/08/2020 11:16

From what you say she is annoying you rather than ruining your life. My df gave some advice years ago which I have always adhered to. That was “never fall out with anyone in the family, whatever they say or do let It go over your head because it is never worth it. The row goes on long after anyone really recalls what it is all about”.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/08/2020 11:21

I really don’t get shit like this. My mum has form for being a terror - I just argue with her until she backs down. When mil says the odd (very rare as she’s nice) mean thing DH does the same. Just call her out everytime she says something weird - you don’t even need to be rude. As for your kids - start encouraging them to call her ask her directly why they can’t see them as often as the other GC.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2020 11:23

This type of behaviour that MIL is showing her son’s family is absolutely not the result of or stemming from a row or a fall out. This is a dysfunctional family dynamic that started in her DHs and his sisters childhoods and likely predates them too.

LovePoppy · 30/08/2020 13:10

[quote WhySoMuchMess]@GhostCurry because I don't know what else to do. I have this rage inside when I see the rejection, every time he speaks to her. Ive held it it for so long and I don't want to be apart of it anymore [/quote]
Have you considered discussing this in therapy?

I don’t understand how a mother rejecting her son equals you leaving him.

Unless you were looking for a new mom?

Original poster
WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 13:20

@LovePoppy it's more because he doesn't/won't stand up to her. He allows her to treat him and DC the way she does

OP posts:
Original poster
WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 13:21

@AttilaTheMeerkat everything you have said it spot on and I have never thought of it like that before

OP posts:
LilyWater · 30/08/2020 13:55

Why on earth would you end your marriage over this relatively minor issue?? Confused Based on this mindset alone, I suspect there's much more to the story than you're letting on. I think you may not be as easy to get along with as you're making out. I do wonder whether you're 'possessive' over your DH, especially since you married, so she's taken a step back in response (the text about feeling left out also points to this).

She'll naturally be closer to her own daughter than you so not surprising in the slightest if she sees those grandchildren much more and doesn't mean she loves your kids any less (mother and daughter will be seeing each other more often so naturally the kids will be there too).

I feel for MILs sometimes as when they have sons, the relationship with their son's children so often depends on the woman he marries, who as the mothers, tend to be the 'gatekeepers' to the children.

Joistlooking · 30/08/2020 15:58

It is behind me now, but my mother very obviously prefers my brother and his children to me and my sister and our children . E.G..

She refused to help my sister and I out with any childcare but moved 200 miles when my brother had his first DC so she could be on hand to help.

Both my sister and her DH were very ill and unable to care for their DC. They asked her for help - she refused.

She spoiled my brother's DC with presents and, now that they are teenagers, money; she gives them hundreds of pounds a month in pocket money.

It still drives my DH and my BIL to distraction.

I tried to talk to my Mum about it but she just didn't see that she was being unfair, I was just banging my head against a brick wall. I discussed all this with my DH and told him that talking to her was pointless. We went very LC and concentrated on making sure our three were loved equally and now that they are adults we make sure we treat them fairly. The DC knew their GM did not treat them in the same way as their cousins but they treat it as a family joke. I am sure we are better parents for it because we are very conscious of the effects of obvious favouritism.

My advice would be: if you love your DH don't pressure him, he probably knows it is a pointless exercise speaking to her; go very LC and focus on your family and making sure your children don't feel that you have preferences. Flowers

rvby · 30/08/2020 16:10

Its sounds to me like your dh sees the inconsistency and unfairness of your mils behavior, but he doesn't want to get into it with mil, maybe because he is worried about what she might say to him. E.g. "I don't like you dh, I only like your sister".

Sounds like he just wants to keep to the status quo with his own family which is fair enough.

The problem is, how are you going to deal with your feelings about it all? I think that's the question to take a closer look at.

Original poster
WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 19:26

@Joistlooking your post sounds very similar to MIL. I'm going to try do what you said you done. Can I ask, how did you feel? I feel so sad for DH the rejection he keeps getting

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 30/08/2020 19:37

I think you need to aim for acceptance, she's a crap mother/gm and prefers to see her daughters children. Nothing you can do about it. If dh is happy with the scraps, again, nothing you can do about it.
Although, your happiness in your relationship isn't shining through tbh, it sounds more about your mil.
If your children ask why they don't see mil, just say you don't know why.

Joistlooking · 30/08/2020 20:24

Yes the rejection was very painful initially, but after I tried to talk to her I knew that nothing would change as she just couldn't, or wouldn't, see she was being unfair.

I had the choice of being bitter about something I couldn't do anything about or be grateful for and enjoy my family. My husband hates her for the way she has treated me but has been very supportive . We are polite to her but that is as far as it goes we instigate nothing and shielded our DC from her.

It gets easier and the relationship you and your DH will have with your children will be worth it. Flowers

Unsure33 · 30/08/2020 20:25

@TorkTorkBam

But in this case there does not appear to be an abusive marriage. Why should a husband “chose “ between his wife and his mother . If he wants a relationship and the wife does not then let him visit his mother on his own . The OP seems upset about rejection but obviously does not like MIL , but can live her life without involvement. Perhaps she should be grateful.

Original poster
WhySoMuchMess · 30/08/2020 20:45

@Unsure33 where do I say I will not let DH and DC visit MIL. If you read through my posts you will see MIL doesn't want to see them.

OP posts:
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