To split up with DH because of MIL

[WhySoMuchMess]

Bit of a long story. When we first met MIL was nice and friendly, then we got married and she started acting really strange; sending DH weird messages about how she feels left out now he is married and has his own life, bear in mind though she has never been really close to him, never visited us, it was always us going to see her/calling to speak to her.

We now have DC and she has never showed any interest in them, if DH didn't take them to her house she wouldn't see them and I don't think she would care. DH asked if she could have the kids for an hour while we work she just said no, then I see her with SIL children all the time; my DC see it and ask why they can't see grandma but other grandchild is always there. There are other things but can't really go into without outing. If we drive past her house she phones asking where we are going or if she drives past our house and my car is parked up she will text him asking why I'm not in work.

Anyway when I mention to DH he takes her side, says he sees my point but it's his mum. I can't bear it anymore

Good post guiness and some others.

Sounds like she is punishing your dh to me.
Why on earth would she otherwise have them for an hour and send them away, when she doesn't do that with other gc?

As guiness said she's put your dh through years of favourites, being treated 2nd best. It's natural to him.

Re your dc I'd say your not going to put them through the punishment session anymore. He can go for his hours slot but they won't be going. And again, he can report back as to where he is going or his movements but he doesn't have permission to relay your movement any more.
. Then I'd suggest a relate counselling session. A third party will help to put into perspective for for your dh, what's happening.

Is your Mil amazing with the dc? Otherwise why would they are, children are very accepting who they see and how often as just... What it is.

Unless there is family dysfunction and the gp are their escape or if There is some incredible bond... Otherwise... Dc usually arnt that bothered. They have their own micro worlds of friends, school, clubs etc.

Seems like an insane reason to break up with your husband if you love him. And the effect on your children would be enormous - much worse than the current effect of your MIL being cold and disinterested.

Your MIL doesn’t sound very nice, but your DH isn’t obliged to confront her. It doesn’t sound like is is aggressive, abusive or hostile to you - just disinterested and cold. You don’t have to have a relationship with her, and your husband is perfectly entitled to accept that’s just what she’s like and see her on her terms if he wants. It would be different if he was forcing you to see her as well, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.

I understand your frustration and your desire to see her confronted, but I think you need to accept that that isn’t happening and let it go. I certainly wouldn’t use your entire marriage as leverage to force the issue.

There isn't a law that you have to want to spend time with GC. I've got 6 of them, I have a closer relationship with some than with others, you know just like in the rest of life. Maybe point out to your children that they are lucky that they get to do all these things with their own mum and dad. Turn it into a positive and they won't fret.

Breaking up your marriage is potentially far more damaging to your children than disinterested grandparents.

• op, the other way to look at this is that you have had a lucky escape, re she has decided to punish you all by not taking an interest.

My Mil is so controlling she sulked and kicked up massive fuss if married dh didn't want to wear clothes she had brought him!!

She tried to dress us too look, how she feels we should look! She'd come into house to chuck stuff out without our say so, put new stuff in, sulk when we put our foot down over something etc...

They were very forceful and wanted involved with dc to control... Trying to get rid of their insidious influence has nealry broken my marriage.

So play clever and play with what you've got. She doesn't sound balanced or stable..

Why do you really want to leave your husband? There has to be a real reason because this ain’t it.
I’m not saying it isn’t an upsetting way to behave, don’t get me wrong, but having a hands off albeit nosey MIL isn’t really my idea a deal breaker for an otherwise happy marriage.
Does it matter if she thinks you should be at home? Does it matter that she asks where you’re off to sometimes? Does it matter that she sees more of SILs children than yours, given that you don’t like her and presumably wouldn’t really want her to be super hands on with your kids anyway?

@Unsure33

Perhaps she senses your dislike of her and is therefore backing off from the children because she always feels like she is treading on egg shells. I think it’s very sad you are thinking of splitting up and making your child have a broken family because your husband won’t chose ?

He should not have to chose between his mother and you , just work out a way of handling it that suits you all.

I find this thread very sad . I feel pushed out by my DIL and am scared of getting close to the children in case she decides to withdraw contact and I have no idea what I have done wrong.

I had a similar situation to this - a DIL who was, quite frankly, rude. She seemed to think she was ‘above us’, never wanted to socialise with the rest of our family, and made my son’s life a misery. Thankfully they split (at her request), and he now has a perfectly lovely, ‘normal’ wife. I am so happy for him - he has always been a good Dad to his DC’s, and deserved better than his first wife. It’s not always the MIL that causes issues - it’s a 2 way street.

Unless you have other relationship issues, ending it seems OTT.

You could speak to your DH about your concerns about her treatment of your DC. And seek couple’s counselling.

If it’s a dysfunctional, ‘stately homes’ type situation between your DH, MiL and sister in law, DH speaking to MiL would be v unlikely to help. What would you hope that would achieve?

Would tell the DC, when they ask Qs, that it’s not OK for their grandparent to treat their cousins differently.

@WhySoMuchMess

I have spoken to him and his reply is 'well it's my mum'. What I would like is him to do is tell her the ways she treats my DC and even DH isn't acceptable but he won't. I'd tell her, in a nice way, but he says no.

What do you think it would achieve if he did tell her? And are you saying this is the sole reason you are thinking of splitting up with him?

I really can't see why the drama. Just ignore her and let your DH get on with it

You say she has never visited you OP. Have you ever invited her ? If not, that could be part of the problem.

If she doesn't come to your DC's parties, so what, you don't like her and don't want her there!

I must be missing something.

Is the problem that she is ''competing'' with you for time with her son/your husband but without wanting to step up and be a grandma?

Breaking up your marriage is potentially far more damaging to your children than disinterested grandparents.

I stayed in an abusive marriage because “splitting up would damage the children” and because it was said that “children from broken homes don’t do as well”.

Then I realised years later that what I had done was allow my children to be verbally and mentally abused, and taught them that staying in an abusive relationship was acceptable.

The reason children in broken marriages do less well on average, is presumably because a good percentage of unbroken marriages actually work properly and don’t include an abusive parent.

It’s not the breaking up that does the damage, per se: it’s the problems that led to the break up. I misunderstood that for years.

So you’re upset because your DCs hardly see their DGM, so you want to divorce their father then they’ll see less of him? Bizarre. And really cruel to your children.

I can't see the drama either.

But if you start with the it's her or us ultimatums or the kids can't go, you'd be controlling, spiteful and it won't end well.

OP your options are:

Divorce
Get therapy for you to process things and couples therapy for both you and your DH, so you can grow stronger together
Ignore MIL and detach, letting DH do his thing with her as his mum
Make your home life so good that she doesn't even get given another moment of your thoughts
Build up your social network so your DC have others to enrich their lives
Adopt a grandma, yours? Another older female friend that could act as a substitute?
Rope in a God mother?

Good luck and stay away from drama.

So....you Hardy see mil and the only time it becomes a problem is when you bring it up to your dh, and don't like his answer that its his mother? Why not just ignore it? Why are your kids aware of the fact that sil child sees her more often, unless someone is telling them?
Sounds like you are making this into a problem. Why do you care so much?

I feel sorry for dh. He obviously loves his mum and wants approval/validation etc and she doesnt give a crap.

Therapy? For what? OP has created a drama out of nothing.

You DH's relationship with his mum needs to be managed by him. Someday he probably will come to the conclusion that his mum doesnt care, and it will hurt him.
Stop trying to push that along

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Therapy? For what? OP has created a drama out of nothing.

Exactly for her reaction. Pretty obvious I think.

Thanks for all replies. I'll try and answer some.

She is definitely not competing for DH time. DH wants to spend time with MIL, he phones asks if he can call round with the kids, if they can meet in park, go out for lunch. She doesn't want to to and it's so sad to see her treating my family like that. It actually makes me cry the way DH sees it as normal, the rejection.

My DC have a good relationship with my parents so I know they are not missing out, it's just a really sad situation. I can't understand how a woman can treat her children the way she does, and obviously has her favourite

Firstly, I think you should have posted in relationships rather than AIBU.

Secondly, how old are your DC?
Could you move so that you do not have to drive past her house?
Could you make sure that you move somewhere she doesn't have to drive past to get to her usual places?
Why are you protecting your children? They already know that Grandma doesn't want to spend any time with them.
They must have classmates who they do not want to be friends with, you can phrase it like that.
I had a toxic grandparent, disinterested, rude, cruel, I hated that we had to go and see them.

Your DH needs to look into FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) or you do and talk to him about it. This is all he has ever known, this woman raised him, so this is normal to him, he won't want to upset her because he lives in fear of the consequences of that. It is hard to understand that when it isn't your family.

But divorcing him just removes you a bit, it doesn't stop him seeing her, or taking the children to see her.

Very childish of you to be stomping your feet because your DH isn’t handling HIS mother in the way YOU want him too. Are you controlling in other aspects of your relationship? Do you think this may be why your MIL doesn’t want to be around you?

She didn't think that you should go back to work and disapproves of your life choice. So, she won't support you with any form of childcare.

Is she willing to see the kids if you are also there?

The hard line that she has drawn makes it difficult for DCs to have a relationship with her, but it's her choice, not your husbands. Presumably he is supportive of your career so shouldn't be punished for his DM's decision.

It strikes me reading these types of threads that there are three types of MIL. The best - type 1 - is helpful, involved, loves the grandkids, is respectful and friendly to you, turns up with treats, feeds everyone properly when they visit and you can spend more than a few hours around her without wanting to strangle her or drown yourself. The second - type 2 - is not interested and never visits. The great thing about a type 2 MIL is that you don't have to bother in return... You can literally make zero effort, leave it all to your spouse and not feel guilty. The worst - type 3 - is overbearing, touchy, interfering, wants to do things entirely their way, criticizes you and makes it clear you're not good enough and yet complains you don't make enough effort when they visit. They're the type that insist you visit for days, make you sleep on the floor or on a blow up bed and don't feed you properly but get upset when you bring your own food. Most MILs (and DMs as well) are a mix of these types, some better than others! Both my own DM and MIL are mostly type 1 with a few type 3 moments thrown in.

You have a type 2 MIL. It could be worse... You could have a type 3. Make the best of it by doing bugger all - leave the relationship to your poor DH and enjoy not waking up on a deflated blow up mattress on Christmas morning.