To split up with DH because of MIL

[WhySoMuchMess]

Bit of a long story. When we first met MIL was nice and friendly, then we got married and she started acting really strange; sending DH weird messages about how she feels left out now he is married and has his own life, bear in mind though she has never been really close to him, never visited us, it was always us going to see her/calling to speak to her.

We now have DC and she has never showed any interest in them, if DH didn't take them to her house she wouldn't see them and I don't think she would care. DH asked if she could have the kids for an hour while we work she just said no, then I see her with SIL children all the time; my DC see it and ask why they can't see grandma but other grandchild is always there. There are other things but can't really go into without outing. If we drive past her house she phones asking where we are going or if she drives past our house and my car is parked up she will text him asking why I'm not in work.

Anyway when I mention to DH he takes her side, says he sees my point but it's his mum. I can't bear it anymore

Thanks @firsttimemummyxxxxx
DH does see what she is doing and how she treats him but doesn't want to confront her.

She turned nasty after we married and had children; it started when I went back to work after having DC; she made it clear that I, as the woman, should stay at home and watch the children and live off DH money

Perhaps she senses your dislike of her and is therefore backing off from the children because she always feels like she is treading on egg shells. I think it’s very sad you are thinking of splitting up and making your child have a broken family because your husband won’t chose ?

He should not have to chose between his mother and you , just work out a way of handling it that suits you all.

I find this thread very sad . I feel pushed out by my DIL and am scared of getting close to the children in case she decides to withdraw contact and I have no idea what I have done wrong.

If I had to choose between this type of MIL and one who was in and out of my house, criticising my child-care routines, my cooking and taking her son's side against me - I know which I'd prefer. Be thankful and let go of it.

You don’t like her, and equally it seems for whatever reason she doesn’t like you. This situation happens all the time - just go no contact with her. You really can’t expect your DH to cut her out of his life if he doesn’t want to. I would just let him get on with seeing his dm when and if he wants to, with or without DCs, but I suspect you’re not going to be happy with that.

@WhySoMuchMess

Why is that turning nasty ? She is entitled to her opinion even if it’s wrong. So you just say sorry I don’t agree with you .this is the way we have chosen to live our lives .

That’s nothing to what my in laws used to say to me but I still loved them . Just different opinions.

@Unsure33 I would never stop DC from seeing her; she doesn't want to see them. It is always DH making an effort, I give up a while ago. I find it really sad when I see the relationship my friends DC have with their grandchildren/MIL.

Am sure there’s a massive drip-feed coming now that most people don’t agree with you.

TBH I don’t believe many children are really that upset when they don’t see a particular family member unless the parent somehow makes them feel they should be. if they’ve never really had much of a relationship with her then they’re not missing out on anything.

For whatever reason she doesn’t want to spend time with your children, or maybe SIL has a different life which means she needs the childcare more. And not particularly PC to say it but mothers do tend to be closer to their daughters’ children than their son’s, not least because the DILs invariably don’t need or want the kind of support the daughters do and instead want that from their own mothers.

And tbh expecting your DH to confront her over why she doesn’t spend as much time with your children is a bit pathetic. She doesn’t want a relationship with the kids. Fine, don’t worry about it then. Let the dh take them round/not take them round, but don’t project this on to them or it is actually you who is causing their upset and not her.

I agree @Livelovebehappy

Just need to find a compromise.

"TBH I don’t believe many children are really that upset when they don’t see a particular family member unless the parent somehow makes them feel they should be"

They don't, it's when we are out and about or at the park and we see MIL there with other grandchildren that's when my DC ask why they don't do that with her

I was surprised by the replies you’ve received OP, then I realised you’d put this in AIBU.

I recommend you report your own post and ask for your question to be moved to Relationships. There you will receive replies from others who have experience of abusive behaviour patterns and may be more constructive.

You are not thinking of leaving because of your mother-in-law. You are thinking of leaving because your husband is not banking you up when she is treating you and your children badly. He has quite possibly accepted her preference for her daughter as normal as he grew up with it, but it isn’t. If he ignores it and allows it to affect his own children, then that is problematic.

For me it would be that your DH isn't backing you up and standing up for your DC. My DH is similar when it comes to his family and it makes me feel so alone.

Really, she sounds pretty nosy, but hardly worth ending a good marriage over. Just don’t answer nosy questions. None of her business why your car is home or whether you and hubby both work Or where you are going when you drive past her house. I can understand that her disinterest in the kids is hurtful but sadly it’s her loss ultimately. It is weird the way parents seem to think that it’s up to their offspring to bear all the effort of keeping in contact, but not much you can do. If she complains, just let her know that roads and phone lines go both ways, and that she is welcome to give you a call and come and see the kids anytime. If she chooses not to do so, then she isn’t going to have as much contact as she might like.

So you would be leaving DH because of DH, not because of MIL.

I think you both sound like hard work and I feel a bit sorry for your husband to be in the middle to be honest.

If you want him to choose, don't be surprised if it's not you.

I’m NC with my mil she’s thrown so much bullshit my way since I got with Dh. She bullied me when I was pregnant and unwell. She ruined a very important live event of mine. She’s sent me horrible messages calling me all sorts. I’ve had to go NC and ban her from my house otherwise I think I might have strangled her. I once actually pa led my bags and was on my way out of the door to get DH to realise how bad the situation was. That is when she was banned from the house.

What is the back story with you and mil because from what you have wrote it seems a massive over reaction to leave just of what you have wrote.

You can’t force people to spend time with your kids and you can’t force your dh to stop seeing her. I understand her asking your dh why you are not at work is irritating so maybe just ask your dh not to tell you she has text

Sounds a feeble reason to split up with dh because of a poor relationship with mil.

You say you feel for your dc when they talk about their gp and her relationship with their cousins. Not having a dad around us going to have far more impact on their lives.

“DH and DC would like to see her but she is not interested in them.”

So your solution is ... to leave him?

OP, seriously, fill us in on the important detail you are leaving out, because on the face of it you sound completely unreasonable.

I don't think there's anything wrong in what your mil is doing. You don't like her, and she doesn't involve herself into your family life. Perfect, isn't it? Not everyone likes to spend time with grand children. Saying no to looking after the children is also fine, her choice.
Maybe she spends more time with other grand children because they get along better as family. You clearly resent her and don't even go around. So kind of understandable she doesn't want your children to spend a lot of time at hers. Maybe she is doing it not to cause further friction with you.

WhySoMuchMess my mother in law is exactly the same and I have moaned at my husband in exactly the same way as you, she is totally involved in her daughter, granddaughter and step children's lives but not her sons or my children. I can only advise you to save yourself years of anguish as neither will change (your husband or his Mum) you can only control your actions not others and as long as she is not being openly hostile then leave her and focus your energies on the family and friends who do treat you as you should. My in laws are older now and need more help, unfortunately due to my husbands demanding job he has to leave that to his sister, pay back for the thousands of babysitting/childminding hours. I can appreciate how much this hurts your feelings, it's not wrong to expect your children to be treated as equals.

How is your husband? Is he happy? Does he feel good enough? Forget all the stuff with the grandchildren, this is about the way his mother treated him growing up and how she now continues that behaviour. I would bet he has major issues due to a lifetime of this, which is why he won't (can't) stand up to her and why you have such a problem with her - I think you can see what she is but can't really evidence it, except for these examples which when you write them down seem petty and silly to many even though they're not. Honestly, I would go very low contact as some others have described and seriously consider what support your husband might benefit from before the damage she has inevitably done to him comes out in ways that it harms your family. I know it sounds extreme; on the face of it these behaviours are simply strange or annoying, but they are indicative of something much more insidious. Your husband grew up with this, his whole life, it is just not realistic to think that without a significant amount of thought, effort and possibly external support, that he would challenge treatment and behaviour he has been taught is normal.

I am probably in a minority here but I have never understood the MN obsession about DC having to have a relationship with grandparents.
My DC’s paternal GPS weren’t the slightest bit interested in my DC but I was relieved that their toxic behaviour and horrible attitude to me wouldn’t affect them .
Similarly, DGS’s paternal GPs moved to be nearer their DD and her DC. DD just thinks it’s their loss and DGS isn’t bothered as he has DH and me.
Do your own parents see your DC ?
Like everyone else I am imagining a huge back story .

No. If you want answers from her then ask her yourself. You're a grown woman, she's a grown woman. If you can't ask her or confront her when she's being unreasonable then why should your husband? You are the one with the hang up about it, not him.

My MIL turned in to a back stabbing judgemental control freak after we got married and had kids and she found she had no control over what I do. I stand up to her comments because no one else ever has, so she has not learnt how to socialize properly with her DILs, not learnt boundaries and no one has the right to lessen my value in my own family unit.

It might help to read more in to ways you can be the one to stand up for yourself instead of putting yourself in to this archaic pigeon hole of needing your husband to speak up for your feelings.

I would love to hear what mother in law has to say about all this. There is obviously more to it than we are hearing but I doubt we'll ever know.

YABU. Your mil isn't causing you any issues, she just isn't interested in your children and probably isn't very keen on you. Just ignore her, live your life, enjoy your husband, children & home and be thankful.

Your DH can't change his family and asking him to choose is unfair.

If your MIL had a key to your house, came in every day, poked through your possessions, sabotaged your holidays, wrecked your dinner parties and booked you an abortion you didn't want- all behaviours I know of from other MILs - then those would be reasons to leave.

I don't agree with anyone saying you should talk to her yourself. She's your husbands mum, if you have a problem with her he should deal with it in my opinion. He needs to have your back no matter what. However, having had a nightmare mil myself, I have to say she only sounds irritating and not a massive problem.

If she doesn't want to spend time with your children or make effort that's her loss.

I totally understand this - my MIL is an awful, controlling person and never wanted to see us or my husband. Or our kids. Never made an effort to see us although we lived very close and then cried when my parents were over that she was left out. She will always be my husbands mother and so i let him get on with the relationship and that is the only way it works. Even now when our kids are 19 and 20 they have no relationship with her, (they call her dads mum) and have seen her once since they were 18 months/new born but people have choices in life and if she chooses not to have anything to do with my family that frankly is her loss and i am not going to lose any sleep over it. Life is too short. But I do understand your frustration and it is difficult.