Anyone with an autistic partner (past or present) who can help me out?

[LadyH846]

Hi all.

Please note I don't want to hear from people with no experience of autism in men, because those perspectives probably won't be of use to me given what I strongly suspect.

I thought there may be some people on here with experience with autistic spouses who can help me out.

I met a lovely guy a few years ago. We spent several months together. In the beginning he came across as really nice, sensitive, kind, caring. Took care of me when my sister died and I was at my lowest ebb. I fell hard and was very in love and still am.

Then we were separated physically due to my work for a couple of years. We kept in contact all that time.

We resumed the relationship several months ago but it has broken down and I'm trying to gain some insight into whether I should ask him to try again or leave it.

I'm trying to work out if his problematic behaviours are due to autism.

Some background info:

When we first met, he'd only ever had one 5 year relationship (so no romantic or sexual experience before age 37...he told me he just wasn't motivated to seek it out, which seems odd because he has a good sexual appetite now).

He told me his first relationship broke down because his partner believed he was autistic. He got assessed for autism but was told no he doesn't have it. I thought it was odd when he told me because he didn't exhibit any behaviours that I tend to think of as 'autistic' because he seemed totally neurotypical, but over time I began to see the previous partner's point of view.

I am wondering if he has autism. Some signs:

He doesn't behave in public how I'd expect him to behave. He can be a bit demanding with service staff for example. He remains polite while being demanding but something seems 'off' about his behaviour with strangers, in that it doesn't seem appropriate in some way that I can't put my finger on.

He doesn't know how to flirt and has never done anything romantic. Doesn't say anything affectionate. Only told me he loves me once, a long time ago. He doesn't respond when I say "I love you".

The only way we can express affection is through sex, which is very formulaic. He always wants the same things and does the same things.

When we were making love, I told him how much I adored him and he said, "is it normal to feel that?" Took me aback.

He doesn't communicate or plan well at all. He doesn't make many plans in advance, he often pops up last minute and sometimes he cancels last min too.

I often find that I think we've made a plan for a date but when it comes to it, we've had our wires crossed. He thought he wasn't confirming and I thought he was.

He is very poor at anticipating what I might need or want. Like for example, I made myself a big pot of stew to eat for next few days as I am on a special diet for health reasons, and it was the only thing I had available to eat. (I can't eat takeaways or processed foods). I came home to find he ate all of it. Didn't occur to him that I made it for me and needed it.

I am just frustrated by the lack of consideration for my needs.

He also has a very narrow sphere of focus. For example, if something comes up in his life that's very stressful, like work stress or buying a new property and involves a lot of interpersonal skills that he doesn't have, it's like he can only focus on that and will say he's got too much on his mind for dating for who knows how long until this stressful thing is over. Then he'll pop up again afterwards. Its like he can't juggle multiple life areas very well.

He's also terrible at conflict. He just withdraws, which is our main issue.

He can be rude/tactless and not understand why it is rude.

So when we have conflict, such as a rude comment he's made or bad communication, twice I've got sick of it and dumped him. It's like I had so much anger and frustration it seemed like the only way forward. The first time we got back together. The second time happened recently.

After I dumped him, I sent an email explaining why it escalated and my frustrations and said, that I also didn't want it to end. I received no reply and I have found in the past that I'm the one who has to chase, and drive the relationship communication wise. It's like he doesn't know what to say and doesn't know how to engage in conflict.

I'm struck by the contrast between the man I knew in the beginning and the man he is now. I feel like back then he was playing a role and couldn't keep it up.

I'm not sure if this man is autistic or just lacks some of the skills needed for successful relationship and isn't that into me. But my gut instinct thinks it's autism.

He has told me in the past that he has unique feelings for me, and I'm the only woman he feels he has truly connected with.

Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts? Should I get back in contact and tell him I want to try again. If we tried again I would start treating him as if he were autistic and adjust my expectations for his behaviour. I've also bought a couple of books about autism & relationships and the more I read, the more I suspect this is him.

I also come across alarming accounts from women saying don't get involved with autistic men.

Something to bear in mind is I have a health condition that gets worse with stress and I've been a bit sick with stress lately, due to all of this. Part me of me wonders if I need to leave it behind for good, but the grief would be immense.

Thanks in advance. I'm open to all honest opinions.

Sounds very similar to my DH. He started counselling this year and it has really helped both his communication abilities and willingness to accept/ talk about (a bit!) emotions - his own and others.
No diagnosis though and I’ve never felt able to suggest it.
I moderate my communication with him to get the best out of him.

Thank you for sharing.

I said in the email that I agreed with his ex that he could be autistic, and explained all the reasons why. This is not the first time I've said that.
I also explained the impact of the behaviours on me. And to cushion it, I listed out everything I love about him and told him I loved him.

He doesn't communicate much though. I will literally have to show up at his door to get the conversation and as he didn't reply to my email which I sent a couple of days ago, I will feel like it's too much.

It sounds difficult for a shortish relationship. I suggest you read ‘the five love languages’ but perhaps if he doesn’t get any counselling or even accept he’s got a communication issue, then it might not go anywhere. Sounds like you do all the work right now.
I have learned to be quite explicit. ‘I would like a cuddle right now, I’m feeling sad’ rather than waiting for him to notice. Or ‘when you forgot to make me a cuppa, I felt really undervalued and forgotten’.

@parrotonmyshoulder

It sounds difficult for a shortish relationship. I suggest you read ‘the five love languages’ but perhaps if he doesn’t get any counselling or even accept he’s got a communication issue, then it might not go anywhere. Sounds like you do all the work right now. I have learned to be quite explicit. ‘I would like a cuddle right now, I’m feeling sad’ rather than waiting for him to notice. Or ‘when you forgot to make me a cuppa, I felt really undervalued and forgotten’.

Interesting you have to ask that. When we meet up and saying hi, he doesn't kiss or hug me. I have to ask for one. Every time. You would think he'd clock on by now.

He has been for couples counselling with his ex, and for individual counselling.

He says that therapists look at him like he's an alien from outer space. They have no idea what ails him or why he has problems in relationships and all have implied or said after a few sessions "I can't help you"

I found someone online who specialises in working with autistic people & autistic people in relationships with neurotypical people so there are resources out there that could help.

Yes I am doing all the work.

I have read the 5 love languages and mine are: quality time and words of affirmation.

I don't get any words of affirmation. The only kind I get is if I tell him I think he's sexy or handsome, he'll say I am too but he seems uncomfortable somehow paying a compliment.

We get quality time together,when he doesn't have to take care of his little boy who he has 2 nights per week (and who is also autistic interestingly) and as long as something majorly stressful doesn't happen. Then he cuts everyone out for a while to focus on this stressful thing. That's what's happening now. He's negotiating to buy a property directly from the owners next door. And it's been going on for several weeks. This has been what caused the relationship breakdown partially.

It does sound like he is autistic, or certainly has a lot of traits. I'm considering leaving my DH for this reason, as he is not interested in getting counselling and life has been so tough. These men are hard work, I'm afraid. And if I knew then - when he was love bombing me in the early dating days- what I know now I would have looked further. The stresses and strains of family life with 2dcs have made behaviours more noticeable. My friends all say he's lovely because he masks so well, but he doesn't have any friends and cannot/won't consider my needs. I know what you mean about scoffing off all the food!! Just offering support to you. You've analysed it well.... now run a mile!

@WeakandWobbly

It does sound like he is autistic, or certainly has a lot of traits. I'm considering leaving my DH for this reason, as he is not interested in getting counselling and life has been so tough. These men are hard work, I'm afraid. And if I knew then - when he was love bombing me in the early dating days- what I know now I would have looked further. The stresses and strains of family life with 2dcs have made behaviours more noticeable. My friends all say he's lovely because he masks so well, but he doesn't have any friends and cannot/won't consider my needs. I know what you mean about scoffing off all the food!! Just offering support to you. You've analysed it well.... now run a mile!

Thanks v much weakandwobbly for sharing your experience.

My guy is interested in counselling but being in a relationship with him I would have to come to terms with the fact that it will be a bit one sided. He cannot consider my needs very well and won't naturally be able to meet them. I'll have to ask for what I want constantly, it might get exhausting.

Then there's the issue of kids. I want kids some time in future but we may have an autistic child.

Let me offer a different perspective. Two close male family members of mine have ASD and my ex has some autistic traits which my therapist pointed out and I was very surprised I had overlooked (perhaps because ASD was part of my life growing up). Those 3 men are three different people with different levels of self-awareness and different personalities-like the rest of us. They are perfectly capable of empathy but often require a direct approach and spelling everything out (my ex the most of all despite appearing to exhibit the least ASD traits of all three).

Be very careful OP in a thread like this. There are wonderfully positive aspects to ASD and both people in the relationship need to be open and willing to accept the situation.

Only you can decide if you want to pursue this relationship and only your DP can decide if he wants to get help to manage his suspected ASD. It’s a pity his experience of therapy was so negative and I agree that someone who specialises in counselling people with ASD could be life-changing.

I mean this with kindness but a thread like this runs the risk of stigmatising ASD. There is a phrase that if you know one person with autism, that means you know one person with autism.

Best of luck OP. If it’s right for ye, I hope it works out.

@LadyH846 and I did have an autistic child!

@Eddiewasmyfavouritecharacter

Let me offer a different perspective. Two close male family members of mine have ASD and my ex has some autistic traits which my therapist pointed out and I was very surprised I had overlooked (perhaps because ASD was part of my life growing up). Those 3 men are three different people with different levels of self-awareness and different personalities-like the rest of us. They are perfectly capable of empathy but often require a direct approach and spelling everything out (my ex the most of all despite appearing to exhibit the least ASD traits of all three).

Be very careful OP in a thread like this. There are wonderfully positive aspects to ASD and both people in the relationship need to be open and willing to accept the situation.

Only you can decide if you want to pursue this relationship and only your DP can decide if he wants to get help to manage his suspected ASD. It’s a pity his experience of therapy was so negative and I agree that someone who specialises in counselling people with ASD could be life-changing.

I mean this with kindness but a thread like this runs the risk of stigmatising ASD. There is a phrase that if you know one person with autism, that means you know one person with autism.

Best of luck OP. If it’s right for ye, I hope it works out.

I apologise if this thread comes across as seeking to stigmatise ASD people. That is not my intention at all.

All I'm trying to achieve is get a better sense of: he is? is he not? It has been helpful hearing from a couple of women with experience who gave a bit of input. I need to hear from these people. I do realise that not every ASD person is the same. I've read blogs written by ASD men who don't sound anything like my fella.

OP, does it really matter? This relationship sounds unsatisfactory on many grounds — are you falling into the trap of ‘Oh, behaviour X is acceptable if he’s autistic, because he can’t help it’? If so, I’d advise you to look at the numerous long-running threads on here by posters who have spouses and partners with diagnoses of autism.

He’s a poor communicator, doesn’t consider or anticipate your needs, is rude and tactless, has never said he loves you, sex is formulaic, you have to push the relationship all the time, and he says he has no time for dating if he’s doing something else which requires all his focus, after which he ‘bobs up’ again and expects you to be there.

Why on earth are you involved with this man?

Relationships are about give and take, yes, but you are approaching it like a researcher. You are over complicating it to try and find out what you can do to get your perfect version of 'us'. He is not the one for you. He doesn't tick all the boxes without requiring you to become ill through overthinking how to 'fix' him. There will be men out there who tick the boxes for you, autistic or not. But I am afraid that you are doing what a lot of women do and are holding on to your own projected images of what he could be 'if...' and not what he is. Time to call it a day so he can find someone who is his match as well.

@Quire

OP, does it really matter? This relationship sounds unsatisfactory on many grounds — are you falling into the trap of ‘Oh, behaviour X is acceptable if he’s autistic, because he can’t help it’? If so, I’d advise you to look at the numerous long-running threads on here by posters who have spouses and partners with diagnoses of autism.

He’s a poor communicator, doesn’t consider or anticipate your needs, is rude and tactless, has never said he loves you, sex is formulaic, you have to push the relationship all the time, and he says he has no time for dating if he’s doing something else which requires all his focus, after which he ‘bobs up’ again and expects you to be there.

Why on earth are you involved with this man?

Is your partner also autistic?

yes it does matter.

I'm only looking for insights from people with experience. I prefaced the whole thread with this. I already know the relationship doesn't meet some of my needs. You're just repeating my own words back to me.

My father is autistic, my brother is autistic, my best friend’s husband is autistic, as are both their sons, my godsons.

Just to make it clear, I'm going to ignore any opinions on this thread from people who don't have relevant experience in their relationships.

If I wanted a thread like that I'd post in AIBU and ask if I should stay with him.

@Quire

My father is autistic, my brother is autistic, my best friend’s husband is autistic, as are both their sons, my godsons.

I'm interested in hearing from people in romantic relationship with ASD men, past or present. I need to change the statement at the top of the thread but don't know how to do it.

I'm going through a very difficult separation with a suspected Autistic husband. I too found my relationship didn't meet my needs, despite my desperate attempts to help him understand me. I too have my own issues with mental health and as I dipped recently it all went wrong. He has no empathy at all and it's causing me many problems as we deal with the shared care of the children and financial separation.

I recognise my situation in many of your points. It did not get better for me at all. He is now accusing me of psychological abuse due to my attempts to fix the parts I saw as broken in our relationship. He did not understand emotion, reactions different from his.

I'm currently in a betrayed and heartbroken phase. He continues with his own agenda only. If you feel like this now, it will not get better.

OP this isn't about him. It's about you. Are you happy?

Do you like, enjoy, feel valued and cherished in this relationship?

Do you feel your needs are bring met?

Do you feel that your partner actively tries to make you feel good/better?

Is this how you imagined living the rest of your life?

Would you be happy living the rest of your life like this?

Would you be happy to have children with this man, with him behaving with them similar to how he is with you?

If not, then why are you in this relationship?

Don't worry about him, that's for him to worry about and to be fair, it doesn't sound like he's unhappy.

@bookishtartlet

I'm going through a very difficult separation with a suspected Autistic husband. I too found my relationship didn't meet my needs, despite my desperate attempts to help him understand me. I too have my own issues with mental health and as I dipped recently it all went wrong. He has no empathy at all and it's causing me many problems as we deal with the shared care of the children and financial separation.

I recognise my situation in many of your points. It did not get better for me at all. He is now accusing me of psychological abuse due to my attempts to fix the parts I saw as broken in our relationship. He did not understand emotion, reactions different from his.

I'm currently in a betrayed and heartbroken phase. He continues with his own agenda only. If you feel like this now, it will not get better.

Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences & opinions bookishtartlet.

I hope that things get easier for you.

My husband of 30 years is autistic and so is our daughter. But people with autism are as varied as neuro typical people are, traits are consistent but they’ll present in different ways.

Much of what you say sounds familiar to me. Some aspects are tricky and frustrating. I can often feel a bit lonely, but that’s more because we are a very tight unit and I see my friends less.

A couple of points.

Neurotypical people tend to think of autism as a problem, that we are totally normal and they are not. That’s not the case. NT’s are demanding, emotional, irrational, manipulative, we lie far more and are quite inflexible when it comes to emotional demands of others. You’re no picnic for him OP, and trust me, he would be trying really hard to adapt his behaviour and camouflage his traits for you. That is so draining for them, and you don’t have to do it for the NT traits that are destructive. If you don’t think he’s going into this thinking he has to make allowances for your NT ways, you haven’t read enough yet!

The issue is about taking two people who see and experience the world differently, who express themselves differently, and making that work together. Both need to be open to learning and listening. If either goes into it thinking they’re the superior one and the other ‘needs to adapt’, it won’t work. If you go into it believing therapy will cure some of the trickier aspects, it won’t work.

Some tips:

• always be completely honest. Say exactly what you mean, don’t miss anything out or overdo it. If you waffle for ages they will miss the important bits because it’s harder for them to prioritise and they don’t tend to use words they don’t need like we do.
• talk about sex, really in detail. I know it’s weird but it’s important. My DH has always been a wonderful lover so it’s not necessarily autism but you’ll still need to talk about it.
• tell him how you feel when you don’t get the reassurance, the I love you’s. They are not lacking in empathy for our feelings, that’s a myth. It’s that they can’t tell from our faces or our behaviour, they need you to say exactly how you feel. I say: look I get really upset and feel like you don’t like me around or care much about me when you don’t respond to what I’m saying... that kind of thing. My husband is always so sad when he realises he’s hurt my feelings or misunderstood my needs. Even if he doesn’t have the same ones.

At the end of the day, do you really like this person? Do they make you happy, but frustrated? It can absolutely work and be wonderful, but it takes total honestly and two people in love.

Oh and he doesn’t need to get better at communication, someone mentioned... you both need to communicate better together

It’s not always easy but I find being with an autistic man better. There’s no bullshit and he’s incredibly intelligent. His saying is: our strengths can also be our weaknesses. You can flip that over and see some of his annoying traits as special, unique, and giving you an insight into a world you don’t see.

My husband is autistic btw as are many family members. And I say that because the family members all present v differently, but with none of them is the relational demands like those with DH, because I'm not in an emotionally partnered relationship with them.

@Quire

My father is autistic, my brother is autistic, my best friend’s husband is autistic, as are both their sons, my godsons.

To be fair, NONE of that is remotely the same as being in a intimate relationship with someone you suspect is asd.

i think whether he is autistic and whether he is too hard to live with or incompatible with you are two seperate issues.
Im not saying hes autistic or not. Certainly is a possibility, and a successful adult who can mask well could easily not be noticed in an autism assessment.
Just think its worth mentioning that I am autistic and I think my partner is too ( im diagnosed, he is not) and all our children are too, and we have a mostly lovely affectionate long term relationship, as do many of my autistic friends so its kind of hurtful to be thought of as some sort of red flag in itself.

I couldnt be with a person long term where I had to do all the chasing and felt they were emotionally unavailable like your partner. I totally get the only being able to focus on one stressful task at a time though. I can be a bit like that, although Ive had to learn strategies for this, but you know, I actually am self aware enough to KNOW ive got issues and if he just flaps around and not doing what he needs to do, plus doesnt recognise his own issues, I dont see how thats workable.
Also the sex sounds quite boring

@MillyMollyFarmer

My husband of 30 years is autistic and so is our daughter. But people with autism are as varied as neuro typical people are, traits are consistent but they’ll present in different ways.

Much of what you say sounds familiar to me. Some aspects are tricky and frustrating. I can often feel a bit lonely, but that’s more because we are a very tight unit and I see my friends less.

A couple of points.

Neurotypical people tend to think of autism as a problem, that we are totally normal and they are not. That’s not the case. NT’s are demanding, emotional, irrational, manipulative, we lie far more and are quite inflexible when it comes to emotional demands of others. You’re no picnic for him OP, and trust me, he would be trying really hard to adapt his behaviour and camouflage his traits for you. That is so draining for them, and you don’t have to do it for the NT traits that are destructive. If you don’t think he’s going into this thinking he has to make allowances for your NT ways, you haven’t read enough yet!

The issue is about taking two people who see and experience the world differently, who express themselves differently, and making that work together. Both need to be open to learning and listening. If either goes into it thinking they’re the superior one and the other ‘needs to adapt’, it won’t work. If you go into it believing therapy will cure some of the trickier aspects, it won’t work.

Some tips:

• always be completely honest. Say exactly what you mean, don’t miss anything out or overdo it. If you waffle for ages they will miss the important bits because it’s harder for them to prioritise and they don’t tend to use words they don’t need like we do.
• talk about sex, really in detail. I know it’s weird but it’s important. My DH has always been a wonderful lover so it’s not necessarily autism but you’ll still need to talk about it.
• tell him how you feel when you don’t get the reassurance, the I love you’s. They are not lacking in empathy for our feelings, that’s a myth. It’s that they can’t tell from our faces or our behaviour, they need you to say exactly how you feel. I say: look I get really upset and feel like you don’t like me around or care much about me when you don’t respond to what I’m saying... that kind of thing. My husband is always so sad when he realises he’s hurt my feelings or misunderstood my needs. Even if he doesn’t have the same ones.

At the end of the day, do you really like this person? Do they make you happy, but frustrated? It can absolutely work and be wonderful, but it takes total honestly and two people in love.

Oh and he doesn’t need to get better at communication, someone mentioned... you both need to communicate better together

It’s not always easy but I find being with an autistic man better. There’s no bullshit and he’s incredibly intelligent. His saying is: our strengths can also be our weaknesses. You can flip that over and see some of his annoying traits as special, unique, and giving you an insight into a world you don’t see.

Thank you millymolly. I hear what you are saying and taking it on board.

You’re welcome!

@Branleuse

i think whether he is autistic and whether he is too hard to live with or incompatible with you are two seperate issues. Im not saying hes autistic or not. Certainly is a possibility, and a successful adult who can mask well could easily not be noticed in an autism assessment. Just think its worth mentioning that I am autistic and I think my partner is too ( im diagnosed, he is not) and all our children are too, and we have a mostly lovely affectionate long term relationship, as do many of my autistic friends so its kind of hurtful to be thought of as some sort of red flag in itself.

I couldnt be with a person long term where I had to do all the chasing and felt they were emotionally unavailable like your partner. I totally get the only being able to focus on one stressful task at a time though. I can be a bit like that, although Ive had to learn strategies for this, but you know, I actually am self aware enough to KNOW ive got issues and if he just flaps around and not doing what he needs to do, plus doesnt recognise his own issues, I dont see how thats workable.
Also the sex sounds quite boring

Thank you for sharing branleuse (like the username btw ha ha.)

I apologise for anything hurtful on this thread. If it's hurtful it isn't through a desire to be, it's more clumsy wording or lack of understanding but trying to understand better.