Anyone with an autistic partner (past or present) who can help me out?

[LadyH846]

Hi all.

Please note I don't want to hear from people with no experience of autism in men, because those perspectives probably won't be of use to me given what I strongly suspect.

I thought there may be some people on here with experience with autistic spouses who can help me out.

I met a lovely guy a few years ago. We spent several months together. In the beginning he came across as really nice, sensitive, kind, caring. Took care of me when my sister died and I was at my lowest ebb. I fell hard and was very in love and still am.

Then we were separated physically due to my work for a couple of years. We kept in contact all that time.

We resumed the relationship several months ago but it has broken down and I'm trying to gain some insight into whether I should ask him to try again or leave it.

I'm trying to work out if his problematic behaviours are due to autism.

Some background info:

When we first met, he'd only ever had one 5 year relationship (so no romantic or sexual experience before age 37...he told me he just wasn't motivated to seek it out, which seems odd because he has a good sexual appetite now).

He told me his first relationship broke down because his partner believed he was autistic. He got assessed for autism but was told no he doesn't have it. I thought it was odd when he told me because he didn't exhibit any behaviours that I tend to think of as 'autistic' because he seemed totally neurotypical, but over time I began to see the previous partner's point of view.

I am wondering if he has autism. Some signs:

He doesn't behave in public how I'd expect him to behave. He can be a bit demanding with service staff for example. He remains polite while being demanding but something seems 'off' about his behaviour with strangers, in that it doesn't seem appropriate in some way that I can't put my finger on.

He doesn't know how to flirt and has never done anything romantic. Doesn't say anything affectionate. Only told me he loves me once, a long time ago. He doesn't respond when I say "I love you".

The only way we can express affection is through sex, which is very formulaic. He always wants the same things and does the same things.

When we were making love, I told him how much I adored him and he said, "is it normal to feel that?" Took me aback.

He doesn't communicate or plan well at all. He doesn't make many plans in advance, he often pops up last minute and sometimes he cancels last min too.

I often find that I think we've made a plan for a date but when it comes to it, we've had our wires crossed. He thought he wasn't confirming and I thought he was.

He is very poor at anticipating what I might need or want. Like for example, I made myself a big pot of stew to eat for next few days as I am on a special diet for health reasons, and it was the only thing I had available to eat. (I can't eat takeaways or processed foods). I came home to find he ate all of it. Didn't occur to him that I made it for me and needed it.

I am just frustrated by the lack of consideration for my needs.

He also has a very narrow sphere of focus. For example, if something comes up in his life that's very stressful, like work stress or buying a new property and involves a lot of interpersonal skills that he doesn't have, it's like he can only focus on that and will say he's got too much on his mind for dating for who knows how long until this stressful thing is over. Then he'll pop up again afterwards. Its like he can't juggle multiple life areas very well.

He's also terrible at conflict. He just withdraws, which is our main issue.

He can be rude/tactless and not understand why it is rude.

So when we have conflict, such as a rude comment he's made or bad communication, twice I've got sick of it and dumped him. It's like I had so much anger and frustration it seemed like the only way forward. The first time we got back together. The second time happened recently.

After I dumped him, I sent an email explaining why it escalated and my frustrations and said, that I also didn't want it to end. I received no reply and I have found in the past that I'm the one who has to chase, and drive the relationship communication wise. It's like he doesn't know what to say and doesn't know how to engage in conflict.

I'm struck by the contrast between the man I knew in the beginning and the man he is now. I feel like back then he was playing a role and couldn't keep it up.

I'm not sure if this man is autistic or just lacks some of the skills needed for successful relationship and isn't that into me. But my gut instinct thinks it's autism.

He has told me in the past that he has unique feelings for me, and I'm the only woman he feels he has truly connected with.

Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts? Should I get back in contact and tell him I want to try again. If we tried again I would start treating him as if he were autistic and adjust my expectations for his behaviour. I've also bought a couple of books about autism & relationships and the more I read, the more I suspect this is him.

I also come across alarming accounts from women saying don't get involved with autistic men.

Something to bear in mind is I have a health condition that gets worse with stress and I've been a bit sick with stress lately, due to all of this. Part me of me wonders if I need to leave it behind for good, but the grief would be immense.

Thanks in advance. I'm open to all honest opinions.

Geezer yourself.
Getting advice for relationships, yes.
Diagnosing over the internet, no.

She isn’t diagnosing clearly. You’re being ridiculous

Yes by having an opinion I am ridiculous.

The opinion is ridiculous because what you’re claiming hasn’t happened here

*I showed up at his house a few days ago, asked to talk after I ended things and said it felt unfinished and indicated maybe we could try again. He said he didn't have the mental capacity right now, wasn't available because of the stressful property situation (he is trying to buy next door). He said he felt completely exhausted. He didn't say when he'd be available. I said I didn't want to leave it hanging for weeks. He said understood. I felt frustrated and said, OK bye.
**
*He told you how he felt and sensibly protected his mental health by setting boundaries and managing your expectations. You didn't want to wait for him to be ready to discuss it, so be it.

I already sent him an email a couple of days ago saying how I felt, that I still loved him and a big part of me wanted to try again, and saying that I do feel he isn't NT and described the impact of the behaviours on me. I also said if this is it between us, maybe we could be friends eventually

Many people find it really offensive to be diagnosed by a lover or 'friend', not least when they've already had a medical assessment and when that person is 'diagnosing' you to emphasise how your "defect" is negatively impacting them. Did you stop to think how hurtful this might be to him? Autistic people have feelings just like everyone else, you know.

He didn't reply, although it wasn't that long ago, and I know I'll have to follow up because of his inability to communicate. He described it as a block inside himself that stops him from communicating and taking steps to initiate communication with people. I don't know what he means and if that is related to possible autism

It sounds like you're taking on board something he's said in the past about not being able to communicate and are applying it now to a situation whereby the relationship has ended. Ironically, an inability to adapt previously stated rules to a new context is the kind of thing many neurodivergent people often fall foul of, IME.

If I were you, OP, I would be careful because if he's made it clear he doesn't want to see you and you feel he doesn't know his own mind, your obsession with his "autism" and not taking his words at face value might be construed by others (him, the police, etc) as harassment.

sounds like hes got loads of positive traits tbh and it actually sounds like a pretty good relationship. Bear in mind that noone is perfect and has everything. I think you need to maybe tell him when you think hes checking out a bit or going into himself and remind him that you actually need a bit of romance and kind words too, and that even if it doesnt come naturally, youd appreciate him trying

She is pushing for his behaviour to be autism and she wants mums netters advice on this.

She told him she didn't feel his behaviour was NT.

My opinion stands

@LadyH846 I don't know if you're still reading but I'll share my experience, at the risk of contributing to one of these threads which often go south...

I was with my diagnosed autistic husband for 12 years and we separated last year. Largely due to his inability to recognise or particularly care about my needs, over a long period of time. I too am anxiously attached and one of the many things I struggled with was feeling very out of sight, out of mind. Even from the start things weren't amazing but he was so solid and didn't play games (couldn't if he tried!) and I sorely needed that at that point in my life. We suspected asd over the years but rubbed along okay. Until we had dc, both of whom are likely asd but the eldest in particular was very challenging from a young age. Ultimately, I found that ds drained me and exh just couldn't or wouldn't fill me back up. It didn't help that my profession is also in a not dissimilar area and does its fair share of draining me too.

Yes, it was also up to me to nourish myself but increasingly I found myself alone in our marriage and started to question the point. I was deeply unhappy and felt I was disappearing. Ds was exh special interest from the second he was born, and that set up an unhealthy dynamic. I'm also not convinced exh actually ever found me that attractive (our sex life was always a problem, on his part initially).

So, did his collection of asd traits lead to the breakdown of our marriage? Partly. That and my own needs just feeling unmet too often. I grew and worked on myself. He stayed the same. We didn't grow together and I think that's what led to the end.

Reading this thread has been a bit painful as I do wonder if we could have made it work. But I had a very emotionally unavailable mother and I recreated this with my husband. In the end, we just weren't compatible. He couldn't meet my needs. And finally I accepted that my needs weren't unreasonable and were important. If I could go back... I'm not sure what I'd do differently tbh.

I suspect the reason my marriage works is that both my husband and I are autistic, although we're polar opposites. So he comes out with some right boring monologues and being autistic myself I don't beat about the bush, I tell him straight that he's boring me and to give over. My NT friends think I'm horrible to him but they don't understand how we think. My husband isn't upset by me being blunt, he appreciates it because he feels secure with me. There's no 'games' what he sees and hears is real and honest. He doesn't have to second guess all the time.

Every dynamic is different.

Good luck OP. You obviously really care about this relationship so whatever happens you’ll know you gave it your all.

OP, you deserve help and support just as much as anyone else who posts here whilst suffering or struggling with a situation. Let those who want to help engage with you if you find their posts helpful.

Do you feel satisfied you gave it your all?

You have mentioned your needs, what are the needs of his you were meeting, and has he ever indicated what those were?
As others have pointed out, relationships are about give and take, both need to experience that balance - for the sake of fairness. Your partner is more likely to put increased effort and dedication into reciprocating your needs if you are meeting and satisfying their needs. Sometimes we dismiss the hinted/stated needs of others because we find it difficult to identify with them. It is often a key point. If you feel you did meet his needs, did he confirm to you that was the case?

@MillyMollyFarmer

If he has been assessed for autism and it has come back he is not, why do you keep asking?

Maybe people who keep asking this should read the flipping thread first

as one of the people who "kept" asking this i'd just like to add that now i have read the thread it confirms the takeaways i got on skim-reading and i re-endorse any previous posts.

i hate to offer what might appear to be a definitive answer on the basis of insufficient information and qualified my contribution accordingly.

i agree with the argument put forward that long term partners can offer important insight to contribute to a comprehensive assessment. BUT the assertion of the needs of a (relatively) new (and now-ex) partner to pursue a diagnosis on behalf of the supposedly autistic person - when that person has no interest in it for their own self-understanding - is not weighed in the autistic person's favour. therefore unhelpful, in the scheme of things.

@LadyH846 pm sent.

OP, it could be ADHD - my ex partner has this but was only recently diagnosed at the age of 49. It has been a very rocky relationship, he has failed at times to communicate when I have tried desperately to communicate, get help for his condition so he can manage it. He tries for a short period and then gives in.

He can be very cold, very distant, and to be honest a bit of a twat in public but when he's having a good day he has a brilliant sense of humour. When he's stressed things are 100 times worse and I've been left doing all the organisation and sorting out of things which can be really exhausting.

Think about the long term OP. Every individual is different. For me it has been a very bumpy road where I've become exhausted. ADHD is not autism but quite similar when it comes to functioning. If I'm honest OP - I wish I'd never got in the relationship in the first place.

Good luck.

My ex husband is on the spectrum.

Try reading "Loving Mr Spock" x

@LadyH846 Iam married to a guy who is autistic. We nearly split up because although he is the most loving and devoted man ever, he was unable to see my perspective on what were reasonable demands (sexually). He put massive effort into controlling his expectations because he wanted us to stay together. He was also very possessive but also controlled this once he realised the effect it was having on us.

I would say this....do not assume an autistic man can infer things. Be explicit about how a behaviour upsets you and how he could change. Support him when he is socially anxious. He can't snap out of it.

Do not stay unless you love who he is. People can't become neurotypical. My husband simply does not interpret social situations well and does not really need friends (however, all my friends really like him. He is funny, kind and happy. But he only socialises with them if I make him).

I never devalue my husband. He needs to be explicitly told things sometimes, yes, and he's incredibly socially anxious, so can be clingy in social situations, but he's very intelligent, loyal, helpful, honest, and pretty much what I want, and he is so tolerant and kind.

I had 2 kids with him... I don't think either are neurotypical if I am honest (they are high functioning girls who often remain undiagnosed) but they arethe best kids in the world and I would not avoid having a child with a man on the spectrum if I could do it all again. Autistic traits often make pretty awesome humans as long as the neurotypical world has the courtesy of not driving them potty with anxiety (sadly, we can be very thoughtless in that respect).

A big BUT.... autistic people are individuals. Do not feel guilty leaving if you decide he's autistic, but also rude / not a great guy.