Hi all.
Please note I don't want to hear from people with no experience of autism in men, because those perspectives probably won't be of use to me given what I strongly suspect.
I thought there may be some people on here with experience with autistic spouses who can help me out.
I met a lovely guy a few years ago. We spent several months together. In the beginning he came across as really nice, sensitive, kind, caring. Took care of me when my sister died and I was at my lowest ebb. I fell hard and was very in love and still am.
Then we were separated physically due to my work for a couple of years. We kept in contact all that time.
We resumed the relationship several months ago but it has broken down and I'm trying to gain some insight into whether I should ask him to try again or leave it.
I'm trying to work out if his problematic behaviours are due to autism.
Some background info:
When we first met, he'd only ever had one 5 year relationship (so no romantic or sexual experience before age 37...he told me he just wasn't motivated to seek it out, which seems odd because he has a good sexual appetite now).
He told me his first relationship broke down because his partner believed he was autistic. He got assessed for autism but was told no he doesn't have it. I thought it was odd when he told me because he didn't exhibit any behaviours that I tend to think of as 'autistic' because he seemed totally neurotypical, but over time I began to see the previous partner's point of view.
I am wondering if he has autism. Some signs:
He doesn't behave in public how I'd expect him to behave. He can be a bit demanding with service staff for example. He remains polite while being demanding but something seems 'off' about his behaviour with strangers, in that it doesn't seem appropriate in some way that I can't put my finger on.
He doesn't know how to flirt and has never done anything romantic. Doesn't say anything affectionate. Only told me he loves me once, a long time ago. He doesn't respond when I say "I love you".
The only way we can express affection is through sex, which is very formulaic. He always wants the same things and does the same things.
When we were making love, I told him how much I adored him and he said, "is it normal to feel that?" Took me aback.
He doesn't communicate or plan well at all. He doesn't make many plans in advance, he often pops up last minute and sometimes he cancels last min too.
I often find that I think we've made a plan for a date but when it comes to it, we've had our wires crossed. He thought he wasn't confirming and I thought he was.
He is very poor at anticipating what I might need or want. Like for example, I made myself a big pot of stew to eat for next few days as I am on a special diet for health reasons, and it was the only thing I had available to eat. (I can't eat takeaways or processed foods). I came home to find he ate all of it. Didn't occur to him that I made it for me and needed it.
I am just frustrated by the lack of consideration for my needs.
He also has a very narrow sphere of focus. For example, if something comes up in his life that's very stressful, like work stress or buying a new property and involves a lot of interpersonal skills that he doesn't have, it's like he can only focus on that and will say he's got too much on his mind for dating for who knows how long until this stressful thing is over. Then he'll pop up again afterwards. Its like he can't juggle multiple life areas very well.
He's also terrible at conflict. He just withdraws, which is our main issue.
He can be rude/tactless and not understand why it is rude.
So when we have conflict, such as a rude comment he's made or bad communication, twice I've got sick of it and dumped him. It's like I had so much anger and frustration it seemed like the only way forward. The first time we got back together. The second time happened recently.
After I dumped him, I sent an email explaining why it escalated and my frustrations and said, that I also didn't want it to end. I received no reply and I have found in the past that I'm the one who has to chase, and drive the relationship communication wise. It's like he doesn't know what to say and doesn't know how to engage in conflict.
I'm struck by the contrast between the man I knew in the beginning and the man he is now. I feel like back then he was playing a role and couldn't keep it up.
I'm not sure if this man is autistic or just lacks some of the skills needed for successful relationship and isn't that into me. But my gut instinct thinks it's autism.
He has told me in the past that he has unique feelings for me, and I'm the only woman he feels he has truly connected with.
Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts? Should I get back in contact and tell him I want to try again. If we tried again I would start treating him as if he were autistic and adjust my expectations for his behaviour. I've also bought a couple of books about autism & relationships and the more I read, the more I suspect this is him.
I also come across alarming accounts from women saying don't get involved with autistic men.
Something to bear in mind is I have a health condition that gets worse with stress and I've been a bit sick with stress lately, due to all of this. Part me of me wonders if I need to leave it behind for good, but the grief would be immense.
Thanks in advance. I'm open to all honest opinions.