Anyone with an autistic partner (past or present) who can help me out?

[LadyH846]

Hi all.

Please note I don't want to hear from people with no experience of autism in men, because those perspectives probably won't be of use to me given what I strongly suspect.

I thought there may be some people on here with experience with autistic spouses who can help me out.

I met a lovely guy a few years ago. We spent several months together. In the beginning he came across as really nice, sensitive, kind, caring. Took care of me when my sister died and I was at my lowest ebb. I fell hard and was very in love and still am.

Then we were separated physically due to my work for a couple of years. We kept in contact all that time.

We resumed the relationship several months ago but it has broken down and I'm trying to gain some insight into whether I should ask him to try again or leave it.

I'm trying to work out if his problematic behaviours are due to autism.

Some background info:

When we first met, he'd only ever had one 5 year relationship (so no romantic or sexual experience before age 37...he told me he just wasn't motivated to seek it out, which seems odd because he has a good sexual appetite now).

He told me his first relationship broke down because his partner believed he was autistic. He got assessed for autism but was told no he doesn't have it. I thought it was odd when he told me because he didn't exhibit any behaviours that I tend to think of as 'autistic' because he seemed totally neurotypical, but over time I began to see the previous partner's point of view.

I am wondering if he has autism. Some signs:

He doesn't behave in public how I'd expect him to behave. He can be a bit demanding with service staff for example. He remains polite while being demanding but something seems 'off' about his behaviour with strangers, in that it doesn't seem appropriate in some way that I can't put my finger on.

He doesn't know how to flirt and has never done anything romantic. Doesn't say anything affectionate. Only told me he loves me once, a long time ago. He doesn't respond when I say "I love you".

The only way we can express affection is through sex, which is very formulaic. He always wants the same things and does the same things.

When we were making love, I told him how much I adored him and he said, "is it normal to feel that?" Took me aback.

He doesn't communicate or plan well at all. He doesn't make many plans in advance, he often pops up last minute and sometimes he cancels last min too.

I often find that I think we've made a plan for a date but when it comes to it, we've had our wires crossed. He thought he wasn't confirming and I thought he was.

He is very poor at anticipating what I might need or want. Like for example, I made myself a big pot of stew to eat for next few days as I am on a special diet for health reasons, and it was the only thing I had available to eat. (I can't eat takeaways or processed foods). I came home to find he ate all of it. Didn't occur to him that I made it for me and needed it.

I am just frustrated by the lack of consideration for my needs.

He also has a very narrow sphere of focus. For example, if something comes up in his life that's very stressful, like work stress or buying a new property and involves a lot of interpersonal skills that he doesn't have, it's like he can only focus on that and will say he's got too much on his mind for dating for who knows how long until this stressful thing is over. Then he'll pop up again afterwards. Its like he can't juggle multiple life areas very well.

He's also terrible at conflict. He just withdraws, which is our main issue.

He can be rude/tactless and not understand why it is rude.

So when we have conflict, such as a rude comment he's made or bad communication, twice I've got sick of it and dumped him. It's like I had so much anger and frustration it seemed like the only way forward. The first time we got back together. The second time happened recently.

After I dumped him, I sent an email explaining why it escalated and my frustrations and said, that I also didn't want it to end. I received no reply and I have found in the past that I'm the one who has to chase, and drive the relationship communication wise. It's like he doesn't know what to say and doesn't know how to engage in conflict.

I'm struck by the contrast between the man I knew in the beginning and the man he is now. I feel like back then he was playing a role and couldn't keep it up.

I'm not sure if this man is autistic or just lacks some of the skills needed for successful relationship and isn't that into me. But my gut instinct thinks it's autism.

He has told me in the past that he has unique feelings for me, and I'm the only woman he feels he has truly connected with.

Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts? Should I get back in contact and tell him I want to try again. If we tried again I would start treating him as if he were autistic and adjust my expectations for his behaviour. I've also bought a couple of books about autism & relationships and the more I read, the more I suspect this is him.

I also come across alarming accounts from women saying don't get involved with autistic men.

Something to bear in mind is I have a health condition that gets worse with stress and I've been a bit sick with stress lately, due to all of this. Part me of me wonders if I need to leave it behind for good, but the grief would be immense.

Thanks in advance. I'm open to all honest opinions.

If they’re overwhelmed or sense they’ve pissed people off and don’t know why, they do tend to focus on a special interest or obsession to calm themselves internally.

Mmmmm. I've suspected this about my husband for years but his behaviour doesn't quite fit the bill. Might be worth having a look at Asperger's too. My husband fits all the symptoms of that.

not rtft but you said this in the op:

" He got assessed for autism but was told no he doesn't have it."

why are you so hung up on attributing his behaviours to a condition he's been professionally assessed for already?

why are you so hung up on attributing his behaviours to a condition he's been professionally assessed for already?

It’s well known that it’s hard to diagnose autistic adults, it’s hard to even get the referral for children . The assessment focused on childhood behaviours and adults have camouflaged a lot if they weren’t diagnosed as adults. Tony Attwood, one of the leading autism experts says he’s never met someone whose partner thought they were autistic that wasn’t. I’m not sure about that, I find a lot of people go with autism myths and think if their partner is difficult they must be autistic. Which is offensive obviously. But I get his point. Parents and partners usually sense something, but not all professionals are good at diagnosing adults- or girls.

@Questionmarknow...I think thats fear with your husband.The slient introverted withdrawl you mentioned when you are ill. I think this is because its something that he can;t control.He can;t make you better and its his coping stratergy.That won;t help you much but I do think he probably relies on you more than you think and he looks to you for guidance.So if you are not well it really rocks his world. My husband can be like this but I say something like I am really not well today I fel sick and dizzy for example..its like having to spell it out to a child sometimes....I say I am going to lay down a while..see if i\ can shake it off..will you do the kids dinner for me? thank you love you ....its like giving him a plan and a stratergy to cope with your absence.I know you shouldnt have to do this but if I put things in place my husband knws what path he is on,he feels he has a purpose that is "helping" and he can function well with that in place.Their minds are a thing to behold!!!! and navigate!!!!

Is it true that most autistic people are in happy relationships? I found an online counsellor for NT/ASD couples and autistic people, who claims that divorce rates are thought to be around 80%.

I think you deliberately misread my post to suit your own narrative. I said, that many autistic people are in fulfilling relationships with the right people, not all. Also if a counsellor is personally seeing these couples I would fully expect there to be a high divorce rate. Happy couples don't need therapy.

I can speak from my own experiences and full knowledge of asd. Firstly, I myself have asd. My whole family does. Through the diagnostic process of my children we have discovered a genetic deletion highly associated with asd. My father also has it, along with his siblings and their children and grandchildren. Autism is now recognised and their traits are so obvious it is a wonder we didn't realise before. The number of fully diagnosed people in my family is crazy.
My father was married to my mother for over 50 years. They were best friends and my mother was very happy with their relationship.
My uncle was married for over 50 years in a happy marriage.
I have been with my husband for 20 years, we are very happy and he is very content with me.
My brother is in a wonderful relationship with his husband of 7 years.
Another brother chooses to be single as women are too hard work. He is happy with his life and in his eyes, relationships equal stress.
My cousins are in long term relationships and yes, a few are divorced or choose to be single.
It is the same as NT couples, marry someone who doesn't suit you and you could end up divorced.
Autistic people are not a species to be studied or changed or to be pardoned or excused for bad behaviour. We are people with personality traits and communication styles. Just like all people. Some partners suit us well, we can clash with others.
If my husband was needy and tried to get into my head etc, I wouldn't be able to cope. I need my space, I need to be in control of myself. Luckily he gets me. He knows I love him, I don't need to say it or even to be physically expressive. If I feel the need to hug him I will and do. I won't do it out of routine. I am just not a hugger.
If I am stressed or worried about things I need to process it myself before I will discuss it. My husband understands this and doesn't expect me to deal with him first. I will talk about it when I am ready. If I felt pressured by him we wouldn't be together.

i imagine the chances of those people meeting tony attwood in the context of diagnostic discussion might be a somewhat self-selecting sample ;)

It is the same as NT couples, marry someone who doesn't suit you and you could end up divorced. Autistic people are not a species to be studied or changed or to be pardoned or excused for bad behaviour. We are people with personality traits and communication styles. Just like all people. Some partners suit us well, we can clash with others

^^ this in a nutshell

sorry that's garbled but hope you get the gist! response to milly :)

@glumbum38

I am currently separating from my ASD husband. We only figured out he was autistic in the last 18 months or so and we have been together for 14 years. We went for specialist AS/NT counselling and it was eye opening. I'd say there have been two main hurdles. The first is that for years I imposed NT expectations on him without knowing why he couldn't respond. It has been near impossible to change my expectations, despite reading many books and educating myself. The second hurdle is that he won't accept the diagnosis and is defensive and not self-aware. It has been so difficult and so painful for me to let go as he is a good man and I have a lot of love for him. It was having children that pushed him to coping capacity and we haven't been the same since. Good luck, there is nothing clear cut about AS/NT relationships.

Thank you for sharing glumbum38.

Seems a shame you’re hanging onto the notion of a relationship which is so bad and unfulfilling.

Let it go.

@battlestargalactica

not rtft but you said this in the op:

" He got assessed for autism but was told no he doesn't have it."

why are you so hung up on attributing his behaviours to a condition he's been professionally assessed for already?

I am hung up on it because I have heard of plenty of people who were told they didn't have ASD then later told they did have it. The assessment for adults doesn't appear to be very clear cut and to complicate things further, autistic people are used to 'masking' i.e. trying to act like a Neurotypical person all their lives

If you only want to hear from people with experience of relationships with a person with autism, why are you happy to hear from those who only suspect their partner has autism? Self selecting the responses to suit your viewpoint just reinforces your ignorance around autism.

I have autism (diagnosed). A previous partner had it also (diagnosed). He and I are as different and diverse as any other couple, any other person. We are not some ineffectual stereotype like you are trying to present.

@Sorehandsandfeet

Is it true that most autistic people are in happy relationships? I found an online counsellor for NT/ASD couples and autistic people, who claims that divorce rates are thought to be around 80%.

I think you deliberately misread my post to suit your own narrative. I said, that many autistic people are in fulfilling relationships with the right people, not all. Also if a counsellor is personally seeing these couples I would fully expect there to be a high divorce rate. Happy couples don't need therapy.

I can speak from my own experiences and full knowledge of asd. Firstly, I myself have asd. My whole family does. Through the diagnostic process of my children we have discovered a genetic deletion highly associated with asd. My father also has it, along with his siblings and their children and grandchildren. Autism is now recognised and their traits are so obvious it is a wonder we didn't realise before. The number of fully diagnosed people in my family is crazy.
My father was married to my mother for over 50 years. They were best friends and my mother was very happy with their relationship.
My uncle was married for over 50 years in a happy marriage.
I have been with my husband for 20 years, we are very happy and he is very content with me.
My brother is in a wonderful relationship with his husband of 7 years.
Another brother chooses to be single as women are too hard work. He is happy with his life and in his eyes, relationships equal stress.
My cousins are in long term relationships and yes, a few are divorced or choose to be single.
It is the same as NT couples, marry someone who doesn't suit you and you could end up divorced.
Autistic people are not a species to be studied or changed or to be pardoned or excused for bad behaviour. We are people with personality traits and communication styles. Just like all people. Some partners suit us well, we can clash with others.
If my husband was needy and tried to get into my head etc, I wouldn't be able to cope. I need my space, I need to be in control of myself. Luckily he gets me. He knows I love him, I don't need to say it or even to be physically expressive. If I feel the need to hug him I will and do. I won't do it out of routine. I am just not a hugger.
If I am stressed or worried about things I need to process it myself before I will discuss it. My husband understands this and doesn't expect me to deal with him first. I will talk about it when I am ready. If I felt pressured by him we wouldn't be together.

Not sure what you think my "narrative" is. I'm on here looking for help with understanding. Not here to push some kind of agenda.

i understand about assessment and masking. i don't understand a layperson having read some books believing they are in a better place to diagnose than clinicians.

@battlestargalactica

i understand about assessment and masking. i don't understand a layperson having read some books believing they are in a better place to diagnose than clinicians.

Spending years with another person can be very revealing of their behaviours. It's interesting that previous partners have suggested he isn't neurotypical.

@ChaChaCha2012

If you only want to hear from people with experience of relationships with a person with autism, why are you happy to hear from those who only suspect their partner has autism? Self selecting the responses to suit your viewpoint just reinforces your ignorance around autism.

I have autism (diagnosed). A previous partner had it also (diagnosed). He and I are as different and diverse as any other couple, any other person. We are not some ineffectual stereotype like you are trying to present.

It sounds like I have caused you some offence. If so, apologies.

He said he didn't have the mental capacity right now, wasn't available because of the stressful property situation (he is trying to buy next door). He said he felt completely exhausted. He didn't say when he'd be available.

OP, regardless of whether the man you describe as 'your fella' (despite the fact that you are not now together, if I understand you rightly) is autistic or not, do you really want a relationship with someone who simply cannot manage any other source of stress, however, minor, AND be in a relationship at the same time?

Also, regardless of his status as NT or autistic, it sounds as if he just isn't that into you -- you said he 'was very tolerant' the last time you ended things and 'it was almost like it never happened', and now you've ended things again, and have tried to open a dialogue with him, but he's been quite upfront about now wanting to get into it at the moment, not knowing when he'll be available, and ceasing to reply to you.

Honestly, OP, it sounds to me as if you're trying to find a reason you find acceptable for why you're left angry and frustrated by the relationship, why you've ended things more than once and he hasn't displayed much emotion about it, and why you're bustling around being the driving force between getting together and ending things, while he 'tolerates' it, if there's nothing too onerous engaging his bandwidth elsewhere.

Do you really want to be the one who does all the work, all the time, forever?

My 'credentials' on this are a serious two-year relationship with a man who subsequently got a diagnosis in his 40s, and with whom I have remained friends. I considered marrying him at one point, but my instinct were (alas) proved entirely right by his subsequent marriage to someone else (whom I also know and like).

Like your ex-boyfriend, this man let me and his wife do all the work. Like your ex, he made an effort at the beginning in both relationships, but inevitably slipped back into someone disengaged. He didn't have a single friend, because friendships took up too much bandwidth. I am now his only friend, and I live in another country.

Like your ex, he couldn't simultaneously handle a relationship/marriage while there was any other source of stress in his life, and by the time he married, it seemed that his capacity for being stressed or just consumed by what would count as ordinary things increased over time.

I would say to him 'So, what does your week look like?' and he would make a gloomy, stressed face and say 'I have to get the car serviced/go to a parents' evening at the school/take the children to their swimming lesson on Friday', as if it were the equivalent of making peace in the ME. He would literally spend the entire week worrying and thinking about this thing that took him out of his comfort zone, and unable to concentrate on anything else.

And while he was/is a very loving father, this never meant going to any trouble for the children, and by 'trouble' I mean taking them to their hobbies, engaging with school the elder is showing autistic traits, but his wife is having to handle dealing with pursuing a diagnosis. He would retreat upstairs to his study if they had friends over. His preferred mode is being on his iPad on the sofa he has very low energy.

And after all that, he actually ended his marriage last year. He announced it on the first day of the family holiday.

After hearing plenty of stories of clinicians failing to agree on an autism diagnosis and failing to diagnose, I also put some faith in a person's lived experience of whether they are or not neurotypical and also it's not wrong to pay attention to the experiences of those who have spent years with a person. My man has already stated he doesn't believe he is neurotypical even though the person he went to didn't diagnose him.

ChaChaCha2012 You are being unnecessarily mean. It’s good you have a diagnosis, but you might want to talk to other autistic people who had to be assessed many times to get a diagnosis. Not all professionals are good, they’re NT so not surprising.

What ever you decide to do OP I would suggest first of all deciding on what you can live with.Sacrifices may seem ok now but will they in the years to come? Any relationship regardless of the challenges has to be a honest one without fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.It has to be filled with hope and joy that you can grow with this person and embrae life together.I wanted my husband more than I wanted anything ever and the challenges have been immense at times and honestly I annot underestimate that but we grow together,we have faith in each other propping each other up when we need it...just like any relationship before us.If you want him then nothing on earth with stop you...talk to him...askhim how he sees the future..what his plans are and see if you fit into any of them..by doing so you can guage how he feels maybe indirectly. Baby steps and no expetations are the way forward to see if you can build a solid foundation to work from....autism or not its the way forward for any serious longterm relationship.Just bear in mind you at all times..your needs are vital too...I wish you well x

Some things described as traits on this thread, or things associated with autistic men in general, are really just arsehole traits and nothing to do with autism

Some of what you are describing sounds like autism, but actually more of the negative aspects sound like an attachment disorder. The two issues can of course coexist, and may even be more likely for an autistic person perhaps raised by NT parents who were not understanding. What was his childhood like? Anyway you're in a classic anxious/avoidant relationship pattern which will only bring you misery, especially as the avoidant does not want to do anything to change. The trauma bonds these patterns create are very powerful which is why you are fighting so hard to make it work. A trauma informed counsellor might be of help to you.

@Sherkin

He said he didn't have the mental capacity right now, wasn't available because of the stressful property situation (he is trying to buy next door). He said he felt completely exhausted. He didn't say when he'd be available.

OP, regardless of whether the man you describe as 'your fella' (despite the fact that you are not now together, if I understand you rightly) is autistic or not, do you really want a relationship with someone who simply cannot manage any other source of stress, however, minor, AND be in a relationship at the same time?

Also, regardless of his status as NT or autistic, it sounds as if he just isn't that into you -- you said he 'was very tolerant' the last time you ended things and 'it was almost like it never happened', and now you've ended things again, and have tried to open a dialogue with him, but he's been quite upfront about now wanting to get into it at the moment, not knowing when he'll be available, and ceasing to reply to you.

Honestly, OP, it sounds to me as if you're trying to find a reason you find acceptable for why you're left angry and frustrated by the relationship, why you've ended things more than once and he hasn't displayed much emotion about it, and why you're bustling around being the driving force between getting together and ending things, while he 'tolerates' it, if there's nothing too onerous engaging his bandwidth elsewhere.

Do you really want to be the one who does all the work, all the time, forever?

My 'credentials' on this are a serious two-year relationship with a man who subsequently got a diagnosis in his 40s, and with whom I have remained friends. I considered marrying him at one point, but my instinct were (alas) proved entirely right by his subsequent marriage to someone else (whom I also know and like).

Like your ex-boyfriend, this man let me and his wife do all the work. Like your ex, he made an effort at the beginning in both relationships, but inevitably slipped back into someone disengaged. He didn't have a single friend, because friendships took up too much bandwidth. I am now his only friend, and I live in another country.

Like your ex, he couldn't simultaneously handle a relationship/marriage while there was any other source of stress in his life, and by the time he married, it seemed that his capacity for being stressed or just consumed by what would count as ordinary things increased over time.

I would say to him 'So, what does your week look like?' and he would make a gloomy, stressed face and say 'I have to get the car serviced/go to a parents' evening at the school/take the children to their swimming lesson on Friday', as if it were the equivalent of making peace in the ME. He would literally spend the entire week worrying and thinking about this thing that took him out of his comfort zone, and unable to concentrate on anything else.

And while he was/is a very loving father, this never meant going to any trouble for the children, and by 'trouble' I mean taking them to their hobbies, engaging with school the elder is showing autistic traits, but his wife is having to handle dealing with pursuing a diagnosis. He would retreat upstairs to his study if they had friends over. His preferred mode is being on his iPad on the sofa he has very low energy.

And after all that, he actually ended his marriage last year. He announced it on the first day of the family holiday.

Maybe I should leave the ball in his court now and see if anything ever happens.

Yes I do know he isn't my man now I've let him go. No need to rub it in. I've thought of him as that for a while so it's hard to readjust.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Some of what you are describing sounds like autism, but actually more of the negative aspects sound like an attachment disorder. The two issues can of course coexist, and may even be more likely for an autistic person perhaps raised by NT parents who were not understanding. What was his childhood like? Anyway you're in a classic anxious/avoidant relationship pattern which will only bring you misery, especially as the avoidant does not want to do anything to change. The trauma bonds these patterns create are very powerful which is why you are fighting so hard to make it work. A trauma informed counsellor might be of help to you.

I wondered if we created a trauma bond because we met within days of my sister dying and I was traumatised. I leaned on him and he helped me recover.