Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

[AverageNSad]

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

I feel realy sad for you actualy, I hope you had a good nights rest and can think clearly today about what happened and make a decision about your safety and how you deserve and should be treated. He has no right to violate you like that, I wouldnt be able to look at him the same way again if it was me.

Been thinking of you on and off today OP.

I hope you're safe and with support. X

He's escalating the violence, and disempowerment in your sexual relationship OP. I'd be very upset and fearful if I were you. I'm very upset and fearful for you.

Hello - sorry I haven’t been back. I’m safe thanks. It feels like it happened a long time ago now which is very odd. I can only remember the vaguest details.

Honey, I think you need to talk to your GP. Or Rape Crisis.

I agree with @mbosnz

You need to talk to someone who can advise you and provide support to move ahead.

I too thought of you a lot since yesterday. 💐

OP, I also think you need to talk to a rape crisis centre too. The fact that your recollection of the incident is vague means your brain is responding to trauma by blocking things out. It's a common response to sexual abuse. This man has hurt you, please, please get away from him.

There is an extremely disturbing trend or genre in porn called 'oral abuse'. They choke women and make them vomit. I expect he has been watching that. Just end it op. Hes horrible.

@AverageNSad

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

This is a real worry, OP. He is manipulating you. This is not ok. I'm sorry this happened to you.

You deserve better than this.

I agree nanny
It's very worrying.

Hi OP, by safe do you mean you have left him, or are still with him and “everything’s ok”?

Op, your update feels more worrying than not. Where are you? X

OP how are you doing? I keep thinking of you. I hope you've been able to get some RL support & not seen this abusive man since

Hi, honestly I’m not doing too well right now. I haven’t seen him but I also haven’t spoken to him about what happened.

Something else happened today which has made me feel very ugly - someone mistook me for a man in a shop and two girls in front of me laughed out loud at me.

I’m lying in bed crying. I think I might be having some kind of breakdown.

Hey, the reason they laughed is because it was ridiculous because you look nothing like a man and because girls can be idiots. I have been mistaken for a guy ( I was mistaken for my very overweight neighbour last week as well, I weigh at least ten stone less than her, I've been running every day since).

Just take a deep breath, drink some water and keep posting xxxxxx

Hi honey, I think you're very traumatised, and really feeling lacking in self worth.

Whatever that man who abused you did, whatever happened in shops today, that actually doesn't mean anything about who you are, or what you are.

You're having a very understandable reaction to having been the victim of a sex crime.

Please, please, make an appointment with your GP, or ring Rape Crisis. You need real-life support.

And don't let that bastard have any access to you.

It's okay. Keep posting. People are here for you. A lot of people have been thinking about you.

Anger. Anger could be what you're feeling here. It's really important to just go with it. Don't turn it onwards towards yourself and get all self hatey. The rapey guy is the one I'm furious at. Also rude people in shops are annoying, but again they are the problem not you.

I agree with mbosnz

Please get some support in RL. Keep posting here too if it helps.

You are absolutely reacting to sexual assault, a complete trauma.

Sending you ❤️

Thanks everyone for being here for me . I’m going to try to get some sleep now. It’s been a rotten old day and I’ll be glad for it to end.

I appreciate your support.

OP you are clearly traumatised. Please seek help in RL, via GP and Rape Crisis as pp have advised.

Hope you sleep @AverageNSad

Sending you some virtual support and gentle thoughts to help you on your way 💕

Leave him for Gods sake he might kill you next time and get off on a "rough sex" plea and your whole life would have been useless. Dont ever let men treat you like this.

It will help you if you talk. Both in this thread and if you can arrange some counselling via Zoom or whatever. Contact rape crisis or any other local sexual violence services, and a doctor maybe as perhaps some medication would help. xxx

Dissociating from an event is a really common response to trauma, OP, it’s your brain trying to protect you.
I hope you get some sleep. Please think about telling someone IRL what’s happened, as well as the support here? Do you have any friends or family you could talk to?