Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

[AverageNSad]

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

@ZZGirl read the thread. The OP is scared of her partner and he is abusive.

OP 💐 💐

Madcatlady & ZZGirl

Please RTFT.

OP is really traumatised.

She doesn't live with this man & has not seen him since. In that sense she is safe. But she's shocked & traumatised by her assault.

Choose your words more carefully.

I requested my post be removed once I'd had a more thorough read.

Just reading it made me feel uncomfortable. I hope you're okay because what he did was not okay. I don't know what to say but I hope you teach him a lesson to not do that again either by giving him a good chomp of the teeth or a low blow. It wasn't acceptable. I'm sure you felt scared. What an absolute jerk.

I hope you teach him a lesson to not do that again either by giving him a good chomp of the teeth or a low blow.

For goodness' sake @faithfulbird

This isn't the point at all, please take the time to read the thread & the effect this assault has had on OP.

Really glad to hear you are at home. I’m sure a lot of us here were thinking of you. I’m sorry to hear about the incident yesterday in the shop. It’s always stuff like that that happens at bad times, on top of everything else. I don’t know why... They’re just complete idiots.

So many women telling the op what they would have done. "I would have bitten him". No you fucking would not. Someone is sexually assaulting you, i very much doubt you would fucking antagonise him. Especially if as op says, you're scared of him. And this is why i hate kink as well - this bullshit becoming mainstream because men like it, and some women say "i like it too" which means all women should like it. No. You're not weak, or stupid, like some posters are suggesting. You didn't put yourself in harm's way. This wasn't your fault.

Op I'm so sorry he did this to you. Those silly girls in the shop are not worth your time or energy. I would urge you to contact rape crisis too. You may have consented to a blow job but you did not consent to what he did to you. You know you never have to speak to him again if you don't want to? Just cut all contact. You dont owe him a nice breakup. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

I’m really sorry this happened to you OP. I’m sending you a hug - I hope you feel a little better today.

Plus all these people telling the op how she should have reacted - there is no correct way she should have acted. She did what she needed to do to keep herself safe.

I agree @ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

OP hope you slept and feel a bit stronger today.

I read the OP last night, felt disgusted and came back to read the full thread just now.
I've recently been watching Criminal Minds back-to-back. I think, your cunt of a boyfriend would fall under the term 'Sexual Sadist' if the BAU were to analyse it. He can only derive please from your pain more or less - now that's an armchair analysis based on a fictional programme, but it's as good an analysis as some of the posts I've read here.
I think it's so fucking sad that women are prepared to be gagged in order to get the satisfaction of 'I like that he gets enjoyment' Are you prepared to fucking lie down on the ground and let him walk all over you like a doormat because you are happy that he enjoys it?
How low is your self esteem that you are willing to let yourself be half suffocated to please your man?
As for the 1 or 2 posters who said they enjoy this shit - the above applies to you too. Get some counselling to raise your self esteem and stop normalising this sort of shit.

This was rape and actual assault but, would be very very fucking hard to get the CPS to do anything with it from my experience with them and rape - personal experience. This angers me, but that's for another thread.

OP, I cannot emphasise this strongly enough to you. You need to end this relationship NOW. By text is fine. Keep yourself well fucking locked up too. This screams abuse/escalation etc. to me. This is not a 'relationship'. FFS. You wouldn't wish what you described on your worst enemy, let alone subject a loved one to it.

WOMEN - ALL OF YOU - NOT THE OP - STOP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LETTING MEN FUCKING RAPE AND ABUSE YOU IN THE NAME OF KINK. You're doing yourselves a disservice and you're normalising this shit for other victims.

I hope my post doesn't come across as unsympathetic, but I am sorry, I need you to realise the severity of what happened - hence the blunt post.

Much love to you. You're worth 1 million times more than this.

@Howallergic

I think it’s a highly inappropriate time to post something like that. I think you would be better starting a thread if you want to discuss this.

PS, I do think this was criminal assault, but I'll just recount my own experience about 2 years ago for reference (WARNING - GRAPHIC DETAIL TO FOLLOW)

I met a guy in a bar, he asked me to go back to his friend's flat which he was house-sitting, for some drinks and to watch a movie. I happily went, we bought alcohol etc. Within 5 minutes, he was pressuring me into kissing etc. Removed his cock and I begrudgingly, but with consent, gave him a blow job (briefly - I was only there for the free alcohol truth be known). Then he wanted to move to the bedroom for sex, and it soon became apparent that he had no condoms. He eventually went out to buy some (locking me in the flat) and came back. He was a very good looking and younger guy and I was happy enough to have sex with him (what that says about me is another thing). Problem was, that he went flacid with the condom. I told him emphatically several times, NOT WITHOUT A CONDOM. By this stage, I was not interested anymore and was just saying, 'No, not without a condom'. He then forcefully entered me with the condom off while he was erect again.

I swear some demon possessed me (I had been raped before and taken fitness classes and self defence classes in the interim so was relatively physically fit) so managed to get him off me after maybe 2 thrusts and get away from him.

I gave a statement of the above to the police (recorded interview) and the letter they sent me saying they were not proceeding said more or less, 'CPS will not be proceeding as there is a lack of clarity re consent'.

Why I'm telling you this is so that IF you do proceed with a police statement and the CPS don't follow through, that you know it's not because you were not assaulted, it's just because they feel there is insufficient evidence to prove it.

@popcornlover I was trying to get the balance right between trying not to upset the OP but also trying to clarify for her the severity of what happened. Apologies to all if you feel I got the balance wrong and report my post if you feel it's appropriate. Thanks.

Btw - just in defence of the police - they told me that they 100% believed my version of events, but it's ultimately the decision of the CPS as to what they have a chance of convicting on.

I can't speak for everyone, but I really appreciated your thoughts, howallergic. When I was young, something similar happened to me and I didn't even know it was rape or even assault, although I felt bad about it. It was only years later I figured it out. I wish I had heard more opinions and accounts like yours, it would have helped me a lot (that's not to say it helps the OP though, I don't know)

Thanks Ghoste - that actually means a lot to me.

I was quite perturbed by the account of the OP, so I may have been too outspoken, but I think some of us have lost sight of what is normal. Anyone who feels my posts are inappropriate are of course free to report them for the sake of the OP and other readers if necessary, but they came from a place of good intent.

@Howallergic I agree with everything you said - I should have written that I get your point totally. I feel the same reaction as you. I just thought in the context of the post it might be a bit hurtful at this time. I appreciate you are showing support too.

Oh my goodness. This is 100% a sexual assault and you sound traumatised. I hope you will get out of this relationship.

The fact that you usually get the silent treatment or some other form of manipulation if you tell him you don't like something, tells us all we need to know about how this man usually operates. He's an abuser.

I think it’s a highly inappropriate time to post something like that. I think you would be better starting a thread if you want to discuss this.

I wouldn't agree at all.

It's relevant in the wider context of this thread.

Op did not give consent for what he did, bit it seems like she felt pressured to go along with milder "rough" coercive behaviour from him during sex and I could be wrong feel like it could well have been things op herself would never have introduced or wanted.

but I think some of us have lost sight of what is normal.

The porn industry, the kink "industry", novels like fifty shades using the kink industry to sell etc etc has led to a potentially extremely unhealthy sexual culture that is detrimental to women's physical and mental health. Abuse is being promoted as kink. Kink is being portrayed as mainstream, women on average are under more pressure they've ever been to do sexual acts that are devoid of any pleasure for them and in some cases detrimental to their health.

Fwiw I think gay men who tend to play the "bottom" role also are.

Mainstream porn used to be some "regular" oral sex and vaginal intercourse. It's now anal, ass to mouth, gagging blowjobs, choking, sharp slapping of breasts/buttocks, awkward/uncomfortable positions for the woman, analingus/tromboning etc etc and if more than one woman to man can be used, all the better. There is degradation of women to an extent that was not there before.

A compliment in reality TV from a guy to girl is 'i'd love to do you in all your holes" and the woman receiving it laughs and simpers.

Rough sex has been successfully used to acquit men of murdering women

I too think that women should feel enabled to NOT go along with something physically uncomfortable sexually for the sake of merely pleasing their partner.

For e.g. Sometimes, I absolutely want to give a man oral sex. Other times, the thought makes me gag. Sometimes I like doggy style and want it, other times it can be painful so I stop it.

At all times, a woman should feel able to say 'no'. Given the nature of what this cunt did to our lovely OP, she wasn't in a position to shout/scream etc., but I'm pretty sure she was physically struggling against him and the bastard knew very well that there was no consent and that she wasn't enjoying it.
OP - look, our thoughts are with you. Please don't contact this man until you've spoken to someone in Rape Crisis or perhaps to a friend in real life or something as this was assault. I've no doubt about that. He didn't just get carried away. Good and all as orgasms are, they don't usually result in you choking someone to death in the heat of the moment.

I agree 100% Gilbert.