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Original poster

boyfriend changed his mind on moving in pregnant

130 replies

welliving · 26/08/2020 15:29

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and need some advice. I’m currently living with my parents, but about a month ago my dog got out and killed their pet chickens. They said I needed to move out because of this, so I started looking for a house. I spoke to my boyfriend, explained I was looking for a house and he said no, don’t do that, move in with me. We had been talking about moving in together before the baby came anyway. He then hired people to come and redo the garden, fit a dog gate, board the loft and do other things to get the house ready for us. I was set to move in the first week of September originally and he wanted to move it back because the wardrobe for my clothes wasn’t arriving until the 15th. My parents are having my room redecorated on the 3rd and so have said I need to be moved out by then. I texted my partner explaining this and he’s sent me a paragraph about how he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to move in together yet, he feels rushed and pressured and doesn’t want to risk our relationship by moving too quickly. He’s on holiday with his parents and little sister at the moment and sent me this at 5:30 this morning. I am completely in bits because if he’d said this when they’d first asked me to move out I would have had plenty of time to look and get everything sorted. I spoke to my parents and they’ve offered to help me with a deposit so I can rent somewhere for six months. I’ve texted him saying this and he’s saying he does want us to move in together but not yet. I just don’t want to move in and then have to move again right before the baby comes or just after they’ve arrived. I feel so hurt and upset by this whole situation - I think a lot of it is him not feeling ready for the baby and me moving in making it real. He said he doesn’t want to damage our relationship by moving in too quickly but I can’t help but think this has damaged it more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to even look at him at the moment. I’m prepared to do this on my own if he won’t step up but I really do want him to be there for the baby and me if possible. I just feel like all the trust is completely gone. At the moment I go and stay at his 3 nights and four days a week anyway and he says he wants to continue with that arrangement. I feel like saying he can come to me at the new house if he wants to see me. Looking for some perspective on the situation and advice on how I deal with all of this. I've been crying all morning, feel so stressed about it all. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 26/08/2020 15:35

You need to get your own place and stay there until you feel ready to do anything else. You can absolutely do this and you will be amazing at it. You will make it a home and you will be a brilliant mum.

If and when this man child is ready to step up, you will then decide if you want a future with him or not. Flowers

seensome · 26/08/2020 15:39

It's not about the relationship is it, he's not ready for a baby. You have to assume you're alone now, will you be able to have the baby on your own without support?
The only thing you can do is take him out of the equation and decide what to do without him. Still being in a relationship with him without him being fully committed is bit of a shit deal but that's up to you.

Joopy · 26/08/2020 15:49

He doesn't want to move to quickly, but you're pregnant! How long have you been with him?

Gazelda · 26/08/2020 15:56

If I were you, I'd go cold on him and wait for him to get in touch.

He's let you down emotionally, practically and financially.

Don't beg him. Don't go for the usual 4 nights - you shouldn't be part time, you're a family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2020 15:59

Practically, can the dog live with him temporarily and you stay with your parents, staying at his when you'd like? Then you have some time to consider your options and look for a place.

How old are you all? Just seems like you might be very young.

NotaCoolMum · 26/08/2020 16:01

How old are you both OP? It’s a bit late for him to not be ready as he’s about to become a father...

gospelsinger · 26/08/2020 16:04

I think he's done the right thing actually. I know it's not very nice for you, but it's better than you moving in when he's having doubts. Give him space to think. It's probably dawned on him how significant this move is and how a proper commitment is needed rather than just a casual 'oh well, you might as well move in with me'. His decision could of course go either way, but it's right that he's giving it proper thought.

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 16:08

Our dc was 15 months when we eventually lived together.
Way too much resentment on my part and too much of doing naff all (his part) for our dc doomed our relationship...
I had no respect for him leaving it all to me for so long. He never gave me a penny either.
Looking back I was an absolute mug.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 26/08/2020 16:09

Not ready but happy to impregnate you?

You not moving in is him having his cake and eating it. Zero responsibility. No having to help with night feeds, no sleep etc. It also means he is keeping his options open.

Was this pregnancy planned? Assuming it wasn't if you weren't already living there.

On another note, there is no fucking way in hell I would have a dog that killed chickens anywhere near a baby, or any child for that matter.

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 16:10

Wow. He's a prince. Not.

You're pregnant. So whether he's ready or not, that is just a fact. So either you need to break up and raise the baby as a single parent and hope that he at least steps up for the baby, or you absolutely need to be taking this relationship to the next level. And if he can't see that, then you probably have your answer.

When is the baby due? Because what's his current plan? He'll live elsewhere when you've got a newborn and pop in and out as he wants to? Screw that.

Clymene · 26/08/2020 16:10

@gospelsinger

I think he's done the right thing actually. I know it's not very nice for you, but it's better than you moving in when he's having doubts. Give him space to think. It's probably dawned on him how significant this move is and how a proper commitment is needed rather than just a casual 'oh well, you might as well move in with me'. His decision could of course go either way, but it's right that he's giving it proper thought.
I think the time for him to give it proper thought is long gone. The OP is expecting his baby!
DelphiniumBlue · 26/08/2020 16:15

Good Lord, the man's got a house but isn't sure if he's ready for his pregnant girlfriend to move in? He's clearly got money, I'm guessing he must be quite a lot older than you if you are still living at home?
Anyway, he sounds horrible. Sort out your own place, and tell your parents they'll have to wait, but that you are on it.
Meanwhile, I agree with what other posters have said, let him visit you at your new place ( when you get it) rather than you going to his ( if you want to see him at all). It all sounds very convenient for him, but any man in your life needs to be someone you can rely on, not a creep like this.
I'm old-fashioned but that's not how a decent man behaves when his girlfriend is pregnant. I wouldn't be giving him chances.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 16:17

He's not ready for a baby so if your plan is to continue with the pregnancy, realise that you will be on your own, totally, because it seems like your parents want you out, too. The dog has to go, you can't responsibly have a dog that kills chickens round a baby.

How old are you? What do you do for a living?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 16:18

Do not give the baby his surname.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/08/2020 16:22

Jesus Christ - rushing it? YOU'RE HAVING A BABY TOGETHER. And he is 50% responsible for that baby, and 100% responsible for stepping up and supporting you, and he's already happy to see you literally with nowhere to live at short notice because his feelz are more important?!

Fuck that. And fuck him - this is really, really not a good sign.

Move into the flat.
Tell him you certainly won't be jumping to attention to dutifully move in when he decides he's 'ready' and you're 7 months pregnant. His options at that stage will be to move in with you (and not get put on the tenancy) or go whistle.
Give the baby your surname!

DEFINITELY GIVE THE BABY YOUR SURNAME.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/08/2020 16:24

On another note, there is no fucking way in hell I would have a dog that killed chickens anywhere near a baby, or any child for that matter.

And this. You cannot keep the dog. You cannot. You especially cannot keep the dog if it's going to be just you, dog and baby.

That could be a tragedy in the making.

SandyY2K · 26/08/2020 16:30

It's better he told you now.

I think you should face this as a loan parent. Was the baby planned?

Considering he isn't ready for the next step... if living together...it doesn't sound like it was.

Accept the help from your parents.

They do an very keen to have you out I must say .. is it just about your dog.

lunar1 · 26/08/2020 16:35

I would view this as if you are going to be a loan parent. Find a small home you are happy to live in with your baby, plan to claim maintenance. Do your best to make it a home rather than something you see as temporary.

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 16:37

Ask him outright how he is doing 50/50 care of your dc from another address?

toomuchpeppapig · 26/08/2020 19:39

Prepare to be a single parent because that is what this is leading to. Guaranteed. Also, your parents are assholes.

carly2803 · 26/08/2020 19:47

wow OP what a mess.But you will be okay. us women are strong.

First things first, leave the boyfriend to contact you

2nd- rehome your dog asap, i suspect if you do this your parents may be more willing to let you stsy until you hav efound another house?

  1. get your own house, go to the council and declare homeless
  1. do not give the child his surname
BowowMttt · 26/08/2020 19:47

It’s very strange that your parents are trying so hard to get rid of you! I would also just accept that you’re going it alone now. He can’t get you pregnant then back out of responsibilities! Actions speak louder than words, he isn’t welcoming you with open arms so you need to be strong and do this as a lone parent. It’s going to be hard but it’s doable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2020 21:20

Also, your parents are assholes.

Without extra information it's impossible to tell. OP has a dog at their house. When was the decision made? Were they in agreement? Did OP contribute to the household or not? Is this pregnancy the last in a long line of things OP is expecting them to facilitate?

OP seems to have disappeared so we will probably never know.

BrooksLl · 26/08/2020 21:50

Omg there is so much bad advice on this thread!!! Honestly, he is doing you a favour. He is having second thoughts which he is allowed to have and is telling it to you straight. He is doing you a favour so you can get your own place and get used to taking care of yourself. You can do this!! You don't need to depend on him. Let your relationship build gradually and you will know when the time is right to move in together because it will be fun and easy - not rushed & stressful like it would be now for him. Don't play games. Don't freak out. Get things set up for yourself and your child and let the relationship build at a normal pace. Work out a financial arrangement to take care of your child if you aren't living together yet at that point. Just keep having honest conversations with each other and hopefully things will all come together.

BowowMttt · 26/08/2020 22:15

I’d hardly call it bad advice, I hate how parenting is optional for men. Poor bloke trying to come to terms with the result of his own sperm. Infuriating! He needs to get a grip and step up to the plate like a man, not leave all the hard work to Op and just dip in and out as he pleases!