boyfriend changed his mind on moving in pregnant

[welliving]

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and need some advice. I’m currently living with my parents, but about a month ago my dog got out and killed their pet chickens. They said I needed to move out because of this, so I started looking for a house. I spoke to my boyfriend, explained I was looking for a house and he said no, don’t do that, move in with me. We had been talking about moving in together before the baby came anyway. He then hired people to come and redo the garden, fit a dog gate, board the loft and do other things to get the house ready for us. I was set to move in the first week of September originally and he wanted to move it back because the wardrobe for my clothes wasn’t arriving until the 15th. My parents are having my room redecorated on the 3rd and so have said I need to be moved out by then. I texted my partner explaining this and he’s sent me a paragraph about how he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to move in together yet, he feels rushed and pressured and doesn’t want to risk our relationship by moving too quickly. He’s on holiday with his parents and little sister at the moment and sent me this at 5:30 this morning. I am completely in bits because if he’d said this when they’d first asked me to move out I would have had plenty of time to look and get everything sorted. I spoke to my parents and they’ve offered to help me with a deposit so I can rent somewhere for six months. I’ve texted him saying this and he’s saying he does want us to move in together but not yet. I just don’t want to move in and then have to move again right before the baby comes or just after they’ve arrived. I feel so hurt and upset by this whole situation - I think a lot of it is him not feeling ready for the baby and me moving in making it real. He said he doesn’t want to damage our relationship by moving in too quickly but I can’t help but think this has damaged it more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to even look at him at the moment. I’m prepared to do this on my own if he won’t step up but I really do want him to be there for the baby and me if possible. I just feel like all the trust is completely gone. At the moment I go and stay at his 3 nights and four days a week anyway and he says he wants to continue with that arrangement. I feel like saying he can come to me at the new house if he wants to see me. Looking for some perspective on the situation and advice on how I deal with all of this. I've been crying all morning, feel so stressed about it all. Thank you so much!

OP, you say you're "not super young", but you are. I feel your naivete has been taken advantage of by a man a lot older than you who wanted to have his cake and eat it. I was your age when I was first with my now DH. I also had PCOS and knew I could have real issues conceiving when the time came. Not once did we risk conception by not using contraception, I really can't believe you did that, especially when you weren't even living together and you'd been planning to buy your own place! For a good long while I was even both on the pill AND using condoms, and that was on top of knowing that I had probably fertility issues! DH never once complained about using the condoms. You just don't take risks like that when it comes to planning when to have children. Even when we were engaged and then married, we had the same attitude. We wanted the best start for any child we brought into the world, and that meant planning for the right time. I would NOT have been impressed with a man who had such a lackadaisical approach to becoming a parent as your boyfriend had. It honestly sounds like he just wanted to have sex without condoms and he didn't want to think about the reality of the consequences.

So are you really surprised at his attitude now? Really?? The time to step up was the second he knew he was going to become a father. If he truly wanted to be with you then there would be none of this "I'm not ready" crap. He would have taken a deep breath and said "ok. Maybe it's not quite how we would have chosen to become parents, but it was always going to be in our future at some point, it's just that the future arrived a bit sooner than expected. Let's do this."

You're doing the right thing getting on with your life without planning to be a proper family together in one household. A baby will make you grow up fast but you will still need a lot of support from your parents (anyone would). I hope they will support you, even though they are probably exasperated at the way you have chosen to become a parent. Hopefully your boyfriend will at the very least support the baby financially and try and forge a relationship with him or her, even if he doesn't end up being with you.

I wish you luck. It's all doable.

By the way, why is he on holiday with his parents and sister? How come his holiday didn't include you? The more I read back over what you've said the more it reads like a quite casual relationship, not a committed partnership. The excuse about the wardrobes not being ready for your clothes. What a load of bollocks. You could have kept them in a suitcase till the wardrobe was ready.

As for your parents setting their pregnant daughter a deadline to be out because they're redecorating her room, I have no words.

You can do this on your own, OP. Be strong.

How are you doing @welliving?

I’m doing well thank you!
I took everybody’s advice and got my own place. We had our scan and I think it’s changed his perspective - he told me yesterday he’s framed the ultrasound and put it on his desk which is sweet, and he’s been talking a lot more about when the baby comes etc.

I’m just preparing as if he won’t be here as everyone suggested, I’ve been getting the house ready and just focusing on myself and the baby. He’s said he does want to move in and is going halves with me on the rent and bills. I came home yesterday and he’d done a huge food shop, set up the WiFi and other bits so I do think he’s trying. We’ve only spent one night apart since the 3rd and he’s been coming here since I got the keys which is good. I’m still not sure what he’s going to do about his house, but I’ve made it very clear that when the baby comes he needs to be here full time or not at all and he seems to understand that.

My manager at work is leaving and I’ll be offered the position if the person above me doesn’t take it. I don’t think she will because it’s a lot more hours than she wants. If I do get it, it’s a big pay rise so I’ll be a lot more financially secure which would be amazing so fingers crossed!

Good luck. I hope you get/got the job .