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Original poster

boyfriend changed his mind on moving in pregnant

130 replies

welliving · 26/08/2020 15:29

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and need some advice. I’m currently living with my parents, but about a month ago my dog got out and killed their pet chickens. They said I needed to move out because of this, so I started looking for a house. I spoke to my boyfriend, explained I was looking for a house and he said no, don’t do that, move in with me. We had been talking about moving in together before the baby came anyway. He then hired people to come and redo the garden, fit a dog gate, board the loft and do other things to get the house ready for us. I was set to move in the first week of September originally and he wanted to move it back because the wardrobe for my clothes wasn’t arriving until the 15th. My parents are having my room redecorated on the 3rd and so have said I need to be moved out by then. I texted my partner explaining this and he’s sent me a paragraph about how he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to move in together yet, he feels rushed and pressured and doesn’t want to risk our relationship by moving too quickly. He’s on holiday with his parents and little sister at the moment and sent me this at 5:30 this morning. I am completely in bits because if he’d said this when they’d first asked me to move out I would have had plenty of time to look and get everything sorted. I spoke to my parents and they’ve offered to help me with a deposit so I can rent somewhere for six months. I’ve texted him saying this and he’s saying he does want us to move in together but not yet. I just don’t want to move in and then have to move again right before the baby comes or just after they’ve arrived. I feel so hurt and upset by this whole situation - I think a lot of it is him not feeling ready for the baby and me moving in making it real. He said he doesn’t want to damage our relationship by moving in too quickly but I can’t help but think this has damaged it more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to even look at him at the moment. I’m prepared to do this on my own if he won’t step up but I really do want him to be there for the baby and me if possible. I just feel like all the trust is completely gone. At the moment I go and stay at his 3 nights and four days a week anyway and he says he wants to continue with that arrangement. I feel like saying he can come to me at the new house if he wants to see me. Looking for some perspective on the situation and advice on how I deal with all of this. I've been crying all morning, feel so stressed about it all. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 26/08/2020 22:29

I am guessing the baby wasn't planned. ? If it was then he is an arsehole.. however I suspect it was a contraceptive accident. Which means that the decision to have a baby is yours and your alone. He has no say in this part of it. However you cannot force someone to be a parent. That decision to be a mother means that you also have to accept that he may choose not to be. This is also his right.

The legal requirements to pay are nevertheless there. Although I know a man who has paid for 15 years and never once seen the child because he didn't want to. (And can't be forced).

Please make ALL future decisions asked on being a lone parent. If he steps up great. Don't expect it or expect it to last .

fuandylp · 26/08/2020 22:46

I feel like saying he can come to me at the new house if he wants to see me.
Absolutely - why should you be to-ing and fro-ing all the time - especially when you get into the later stages of pregnancy.

Fuck that.
Get your own place sorted ASAP and behave as if you are a single mother. If he then steps up to the plate later ok - but if not, at least you are prepared.
I also think you should consider rehoming the dog.

WeEE · 26/08/2020 22:55

Omgod that is awful. Your partner and your parents both sound absolutely shit.

I cannot imagine the sort of parents that would desperately be trying to get their pregnant Daughter out of their house (even with the dog incident). They also know full well that your partner doesn't want you to move in with him. That's really awful.

Your partner does sound like he's crapping himself, but what sort of man wouldn't move their pregnant girlfriend in? Have you only been together a short amount of time?

I would try and do this on your own. Take your parents deposit money and fuck the lot of them.

Original poster
welliving · 27/08/2020 02:06

Sorry - I wasn't running away I've been at work!

Going to try and answer everyone's questions. I'm 22, and he's 32 so there is an age gap, but neither of us are super young or teenagers. I work full time.

I was having funny periods and was told I had PCOS, was going to really struggle to get pregnant, it was going to take a year or longer and I'd probably need fertility treatment to conceive when I was ready to. We were talking about moving in together and knew we wanted to start a family eventually so thought we may as well stop pulling out (I know - a terrible form of contraception to begin with, he's always been very lax about it) because I "couldn't get pregnant" anyway. I did make it clear to him that even though the doctor had said that there was a chance I could get pregnant and he said that was fine and he wanted to have a baby. I then ended up getting pregnant the first month! So planned, but we thought it was going to take far longer than it did. This is one of the reasons I'm upset at how he's responding because if I'd known he'd be like this I wouldn't have had unprotected sex with him! It's not like the condom broke and it's come out of nowhere.

Regarding the dog, I understand where people are coming from. My little brother let her out and then locked her in the chicken pen, which is a small space with four chickens. My partner and I hired a dog trainer to come to the house who assessed her and assured us that she has a prey drive for birds but is no risk to people. She is the softest, loveliest dog ever and my rock really. She's been around toddlers and kids with no issues ever. Of course I'm not going to leave the baby unsupervised around her anyway because you can never be too careful but I really have no worries about that. She's never displayed any aggression towards any people, but the trainer said most dogs locked in a pen like that would have done what she did. She's not an aggressive murderer or anything like that, just animal instinct!

I think he was hoping that he'd say that to me, I'd speak to my parents and they'd say I could stay longer. They're keen to have me out because they've got more chickens arriving on the first of September. They've also told my little sister she can have my bedroom etc. They have said I can stay until I've found somewhere, I think my Mum is just terrified I won't find anywhere and she'll end up having a newborn in the house.

I really want everything to be settled and just feel so frustrated because if he hadn't offered I would have started sorting houses six weeks ago! I'm going to have to sign a minimum six month tenancy anyway so will be setting up baby's nursery and everything there. I think you're right and I need to say if he wants to be a family he can move in to the house with me but I'm not going to sit and wait to do the nursery etc. to see if he comes round to the idea.

I think he's panicked a bit now that he's realised I'm serious about getting a house, I think he just wanted a month or so but it's really not fair on me! He's saying he stills wants to get me a wardrobe for his house and everything but I feel like there's no point because I won't be there. He says he's done this to protect our relationship but I feel like if anything it's damaged it, I don't even want to look at him at the moment. I just don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust his word again!

OP posts:
Original poster
welliving · 27/08/2020 02:07

Forgot to ask - why is it recommended to not give the baby his surname?

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 27/08/2020 02:09

Get your own place, tell him he’ll have to visit you there, and buckle up for a bumpy ride to come.

Out of interest, how old are you? And how long have you been together?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 27/08/2020 02:19

@welliving

Forgot to ask - why is it recommended to not give the baby his surname?
You needto have the same surname as the baby, otherwise you'll have an admin nightmare every time you want to do something official - doctors, travel abroad, school etx, you'll have to prove that theyre your child.

Give the baby your name. If you do end up marrying your partner, you and the child can change your name to his later.

Totickleamockingbird · 27/08/2020 02:34

He is 32, old enough to not be a man child.
You sound like a strong woman. Do it yourself and don’t wait for him to walk all over you and your baby’s future like this.

Totickleamockingbird · 27/08/2020 02:37

However you cannot force someone to be a parent. That decision to be a mother means that you also have to accept that he may choose not to be.This is also his right.
No it is not. What sort of man does not know accidents happen with pills? He should have made sure he was using his own protection.
It’s not just that either. He kept reassuring OP and only changed goal posts a few days before a planned move.

ItsLateHumpty · 27/08/2020 02:49

@BrooksLl

Omg there is so much bad advice on this thread!!! Honestly, he is doing you a favour. He is having second thoughts which he is allowed to have and is telling it to you straight. He is doing you a favour so you can get your own place and get used to taking care of yourself. You can do this!! You don't need to depend on him. Let your relationship build gradually and you will know when the time is right to move in together because it will be fun and easy - not rushed & stressful like it would be now for him. Don't play games. Don't freak out. Get things set up for yourself and your child and let the relationship build at a normal pace. Work out a financial arrangement to take care of your child if you aren't living together yet at that point. Just keep having honest conversations with each other and hopefully things will all come together.
Of all the advice on this thread, this is so far the very worst. OP ignore this please.

welliving your ‘boy

Mintjulia · 27/08/2020 02:54

OP, you need to get your own place. Assume you will be a single mother because your dp has got cold feet and looks like he's less than committed.
Any man who's happy to have 4 nights a week but not move his pregnant gf in is already checking out of the relationship.

I don't know who I'm more disgusted with, your parents or your boyfriend. Angry

ItsLateHumpty · 27/08/2020 02:54

welliving your ‘boyfriend’ is not being your partner at all at the moment. I can’t believe he dropped this huge reverse decision change on you, 6 weeks after asking you to move in and all his talk and the modifications he’s made in his house for you.

Sounds like a future faker, and I think you’d be better off making the decision yourself to end this relationship.

I’d question his apparent agreement to have a child as well - I think he just wanted ‘better’ ie unprotected sex.

I’m sorry he’s turned out to have feet of clay Flowers

Californiastreaming · 27/08/2020 03:04

Your parents are utter @unts kicking their pregnant homeless daughter out just so they can buy some fucking chickens!

Anordinarymum · 27/08/2020 03:10

OP you say he's currently on holiday with his family and he sent you the message from there. It's my guess he has been talking to them and has got cold feet.

I think you probably need your own place.

Coyoacan · 27/08/2020 03:11

You sound very level-headed and strong OP, so I'm sorry all this is happening to you. I just wanted to speak up for your dog. I adopted a dog that had killed a chicken and he was great and loved children. I don't understand why people are saying that such a dog would be dangerous.

DancingCatGif · 27/08/2020 03:15

Lol, a dog kills some chickens so it might be dangerous towards a child? I mean, any dog can be dangerous towards a child, but I'd say 99% of dogs would go for a chicken they were locked in with.

Your bf is taking you for a ride OP. You don't need him. He's far too old to be acting like a little boy and once you reach his age you'll see that

eveningfalls · 27/08/2020 03:25

Going against the grain but you are 22, pregnant, have a boyfriend, work full-time, why the hell are you still relying on your parents to have a rental deposit? They are moving you out because you are starting to take the piss, not because of the dog... Come on. Take the monetary help if you really need it and start taking responsibility for yourself and your child and stop using your parents as a crutch, because that ship should have sailed. I'd like to hear your parent's side. He either steps up or not, or maybe you both could move in with his parents.

sadie9 · 27/08/2020 03:27

Where are they on holidays? Did he not invite you go on the holiday with him and his family?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2020 03:37

@sadie9

Where are they on holidays? Did he not invite you go on the holiday with him and his family?
Sorry. A 32 yo's parents should ask his 22 yo pregnant girlfriend on their holidays, why?
Nikori · 27/08/2020 03:51

I think there is a lot going on here. I think some space to decide what you want is life is important. You’re boyfriend is having everything his way. Your parents are getting their way and you just seem stuck in the middle. You’re still so young. I think getting your own place is for the best.

Ghoste · 27/08/2020 03:51

How stressful. I think certainty is what you need, and it looks as though you can only get it with your own place at the moment.

If I were you, I'd be very strict with your partner. Even if he changed his mind (again!) and let you move in, it still seems a precarious situation with someone so indecisive. So in a way, having your own place might be better.

Backtobasics5 · 27/08/2020 04:00

This sounds really bad OP. Did you plan the child? You really should have been living together already... It sounds like you need your own place as if you split up you will have no where to go. I had my DS and we did not live together even though we dated for a few years before hand i was totally obviously to some really import things and realised once it was too late.

ulanbatorismynextstop · 27/08/2020 04:25

Op, congratulations on your pregnancy. You must be happy to be pregnant after believing that you may never conceive.

I agree with others, your man child boyfriend is not fully committed and may never be. Prepare to be a single parent. You are homeless and pregnant, you should qualify for a housing association property so consider that first as you will have a more secure tenancy. Focus on spending time with friends who make you feel good and pull away from your boyfriend. He has massively let you down, you know who he is now, don't expect things to improve. Build a wonderful life for your child and get maintenance from your bf. don't let him string you along with the crumbs of a relationship where he gets sex when he needs it but can pack you and the baby off at his convenience and also not pay for the baby because you are officially still a couple. That would be the worst but it looks like what might happen. Good luck op

ItsLateHumpty · 27/08/2020 04:42

This sounds really bad OP. Did you plan the child? You really should have been living together already...

From OPs last post

I was having funny periods and was told I had PCOS, was going to really struggle to get pregnant, it was going to take a year or longer and I'd probably need fertility treatment to conceive when I was ready to. We were talking about moving in together and knew we wanted to start a family eventually so thought we may as well stop pulling out (I know - a terrible form of contraception to begin with, he's always been very lax about it) because I "couldn't get pregnant" anyway. I did make it clear to him that even though the doctor had said that there was a chance I could get pregnant and he said that was fine and he wanted to have a baby. I then ended up getting pregnant the first month! So planned, but we thought it was going to take far longer than it did. This is one of the reasons I'm upset at how he's responding because if I'd known he'd be like this I wouldn't have had unprotected sex with him! It's not like the condom broke and it's come out of nowhere.

mellowww · 27/08/2020 05:21

Bless you, you sound really strong, despite the people who should be giving unconditional support all actually letting you and the baby down.

My god. This is your first pregnancy. You're only 22. And your mum is horrified she might have a baby in the house. And your bf needs 'another month or so' to agree to live in a house with you?!

Absolutely rent your own place. Do your own thing. Be the adult you clearly are (well done 💐). You sound like the only adult in all of this!