boyfriend changed his mind on moving in pregnant

[welliving]

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and need some advice. I’m currently living with my parents, but about a month ago my dog got out and killed their pet chickens. They said I needed to move out because of this, so I started looking for a house. I spoke to my boyfriend, explained I was looking for a house and he said no, don’t do that, move in with me. We had been talking about moving in together before the baby came anyway. He then hired people to come and redo the garden, fit a dog gate, board the loft and do other things to get the house ready for us. I was set to move in the first week of September originally and he wanted to move it back because the wardrobe for my clothes wasn’t arriving until the 15th. My parents are having my room redecorated on the 3rd and so have said I need to be moved out by then. I texted my partner explaining this and he’s sent me a paragraph about how he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to move in together yet, he feels rushed and pressured and doesn’t want to risk our relationship by moving too quickly. He’s on holiday with his parents and little sister at the moment and sent me this at 5:30 this morning. I am completely in bits because if he’d said this when they’d first asked me to move out I would have had plenty of time to look and get everything sorted. I spoke to my parents and they’ve offered to help me with a deposit so I can rent somewhere for six months. I’ve texted him saying this and he’s saying he does want us to move in together but not yet. I just don’t want to move in and then have to move again right before the baby comes or just after they’ve arrived. I feel so hurt and upset by this whole situation - I think a lot of it is him not feeling ready for the baby and me moving in making it real. He said he doesn’t want to damage our relationship by moving in too quickly but I can’t help but think this has damaged it more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to even look at him at the moment. I’m prepared to do this on my own if he won’t step up but I really do want him to be there for the baby and me if possible. I just feel like all the trust is completely gone. At the moment I go and stay at his 3 nights and four days a week anyway and he says he wants to continue with that arrangement. I feel like saying he can come to me at the new house if he wants to see me. Looking for some perspective on the situation and advice on how I deal with all of this. I've been crying all morning, feel so stressed about it all. Thank you so much!

If he wants this to work it’s time he learnt to fit into your life and not just the other way around. At the moment you go to his, you adapt to him, you make all the effort. Things are about to change dramatically, and you will not have the energy to move into his for half the week with a baby.

It would be better to find out now that he can’t really be bothered, than when the baby arrives, so you can see the next 6 months as the real test.

Move into your own place. Get it set up for baby. Tell him if he wants to see you he can come and stay three nights a week.

Or better yet, tell him that you’ve had a rethink based on his treatment of you and you’ve re-examined just how one sided things have been, and have decided that it would be best for everyone if you split up now and worked on coparenting the baby successfully when he/she arrives.

He’s a commitmentphobe. It’s a story old as time - older man dates younger woman because older women won’t put up with his half arsed shit.

You will be fine. Take this time to make yourself the perfect nest for you and your child. Step back from him and take a good long look at things.

You’ve had mostly really good advice. You are going to have to get your own place. He has treated you appallingly. I also cannot believe your parents are putting having more chickens over the changing needs of their 22yo dd. Someone else will buy the bloody chickens.

I do wonder if you don’t fully value yourself due to how your family is treating you.

I agree with giving your dc your surname. Traditionally women give their children their surname. Children born in marriage had their father’s name by way of marriage and those born out of wedlock were illegitimate and took their mother’s name. The view of legitimacy is long since gone. But it is time for unmarried women to stick to other traditions.

I also would consider if you want not him on the the birth certificate or not. Once you do that, he will have a degree of control over your child. However the downside to not doing so is you wont be able to get child support without proof of parentage.

You could look for an Airbnb type place for a month to give yourself time to find the right rental property. Is your job secure? Are council and housing association properties severely oversubscribed where you are? Get on the list.

Oh and yes - definitely give the baby your surname (it is in fact traditional if you’re not married). If things work out then you can always change it later if you all decide to, but if things don't work out then you would need your ex’s consent to change the child’s surname to yours (and this is very rarely given).

You don’t want to be having to constantly explain to customs/schools/GPs etc that you are their mother. It complicates things unnecessarily.

This sounds like a dysfunctional upbringing. Your brother intentionally locked your dog in with chickens? I dont know about the dog, but i certainly wouldnt be leaving the baby with the brother.

he doesn’t want to damage our relationship by moving in too quickly You're pregnant. That ship has sailed. What he is actually saying is he just doesnt want that level of responsibility. Probably why he was dating someone so much younger than him to begin with.

Youre going to be left, quite literally, Holding the baby here. Make that as easy as possible for yourself. Give the baby your surname.

And ignore the future faker. Promises are meaningless.

How long have you been together?

Don't give the baby his surname because you're the one having to carry the baby, you'll definitely be doing all the work and has he even proposed to you? Has he even given you the option of taking his name? As he thinks moving in is a step too far then I'm assuming not.

He needs to grow the fuck up but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to live with you? Dump him and find yourself a flat. He's a loser

I’d reply this to him...

You want to protect our relationship, funny that because now I’m rethinking it. WE planned this baby, you said YOU wanted kids, you said YOU wanted me to move in, we even agreed dates and you let me plan for all that. Now you are letting me down at the very last minute, I’m sorry but I am absolutely not ok with that. I am not ok with someone who makes huge life changing decisions with me, only to renege on them later. It’s too late for you to be having bloody cold feet, I’m pregnant...WE have a baby coming, and this baby and I were planning to move in with you because you said that’s what YOU wanted. I cannot deal with such mind fuckery from a grown man who cannot seem to make his mind up over what he wants. I mistakenly thought you were an adult, who knew what he wanted and was prepared to stand by and be responsible for his choices. I now see, and you have made it clear that I was wrong. This baby is now coming whether you are ready or not and quiet frankly I haven’t got the time to be wasting on such wishy washy half arsed commitments, this baby and I need something solid that we can rely on, and all you’ve done is show that we can’t rely on you! As such I reiterate that I am taking some time to rethink this whole relationship, because at this moment in time what on offer frankly isn’t good enough, this baby and I need and deserve better!

What a bloody coward he is too, it’s no fucking coincidence that he’s chosen to tell you this and let you down in this way over a bloody text, whilst he’s away with mummy and daddy!!!

What a colossal arse he is being!! Do not put up with it! Plan a future for you and your baby, and choose everything based on what you want. Do not doing things in convenience for him because he will only let you down again. So make sure you pick where you want to live, don’t pick somewhere convenient for him (unless that’s actually where you want to live) pick where you want, pick somewhere convenient for you...near a good nursery or a nice park, or near people that you can actually rely on and who will help support you. With him it’s not going to matter if your round the corner or 30 minutes away, if he can’t support you now, if you can’t rely on him now, he’s not going to rush round to help you when your struggling at 3AM no matter how convenient it is for him to get there.

Good luck with your future and with your baby and congratulations on your pregnancy

Oh dear OP, he's not only trying to walk away from the responsibility of a partner and baby, he's happily letting you down, knowing that you don't have anywhere to go at this point. This does not bode well.

Also, as a brief aside, you were given quite bad advice with the PCOS. It's not that you cann't get pregnant with PCOS, it's that you don't ovulate with the same regularity and reliability of other women. My gynaecologist pointed out that often young women with PCOS don't even realise they have it - they have sufficient sex that it doesn't matter when they ovulate, as when they do, they're probably having sex! . For future, worth exploring and understanding this a bit better.

@eveningfalls

Going against the grain but you are 22, pregnant, have a boyfriend, work full-time, why the hell are you still relying on your parents to have a rental deposit? They are moving you out because you are starting to take the piss, not because of the dog... Come on. Take the monetary help if you really need it and start taking responsibility for yourself and your child and stop using your parents as a crutch, because that ship should have sailed. I'd like to hear your parent's side. He either steps up or not, or maybe you both could move in with his parents.

I've been living at home so I could save for a house deposit, my parents didn't want me to waste money on rent and they have three spare bedrooms so agreed I could stay at home rent free and saved. I've been saving and have enough in a lifetime ISA to buy a shared ownership. I'd just put an offer in on a property (for myself) before lockdown hit and everything changed. This is one of the other reasons I'm annoyed because if he hadn't told me to move in six weeks ago I could've been looking at shared ownership and buying something. There's only a couple of shared ownership properties by me at the moment and they're very sought after, and with the paperwork taking a minimum of three months it's not something I can do now because I need to move out of here and I don't want to be moving when I'm six months pregnant etc.

So I do have the money for the deposit myself, but would need to withdraw it from the lifetime ISA which I've been told is a 6-8 week process and would lose 25%. It is an option if I really needed to, but my parents offered to pay the deposit because they felt bad asking me to leave given the current situation. My dog was actually a gift from them, so I didn't just buy a dog and expect them to be okay with it. We've had no issues with her until the chicken incident.

I definitely think his Mum and sister have had a conversation with him about me 'trying to trap him' or something along those lines. I was so shocked when he messaged because he hadn't said anything whatsoever to suggest he was getting cold feet until he went away.

Thank you for this, that's my plan. I've got a viewing on a house today - need a house rather than a flat because of the dog - which looks really lovely and is less than ten minutes from my work so really convenient for me and near my parents, friends etc. I really think he expected my parents to say I could stay until 'he was ready' so me turning around and saying I'll get a house has shocked him I think. I'm going to have to sign a minimum six month tenancy so will be setting up the nursery and everything for baby there. I'm certainly not going to go and stay at his half the week if I'm paying rent on my own place! Going to explain that that's where the baby and I will be and if he does want to step up and parent then he can move in with me there and help with the rent. I'm mentally preparing to be a single parent. If he does come around then great, but if not that way I won't be surprised! He's been messaging me a lot so I think he's panicking a bit. I asked him this morning if he's still going to come to the scan (partners are allowed at my hospital at the moment) which I think shocked him as he just assumed he still would be and he said yes of course.

I do want to give him the chance to step up and I don't want to break things off with him just yet because I do like being with him and think he'll be a good Dad. I do feel like our trust has been shattered and I won't be moving in with him no matter what he says now because I need to have security for the baby above all else. I'm definitely going to speak to him when he comes home about the way he's chosen to handle all of this. At the moment I think he feels like he has all the power - which he has really. I'm hoping that me having the house and nursery etc. will make him realise that the dynamic has shifted and I'm starting a little family which he can choose to step up and be a part of or pay child support for.

Taking care of a newborn is very emotionally hard and to be home alone doing it must be awful. I would forget about useless boyfriend (other than he needs to support his child) and talk to your parents about staying living with them when the baby is born. This is their grandchild. Do they really want you home alone possibly struggling to feed, sleep, have a shower, worrying over every tiny temperature etc.
If needs be rehome the dog.

The shared ownership thing - you COULD move when 6 months pregnant. You really could. You'd still be officially 3 months - 1/4 of a year away - from actually having the baby.

Think about it - if a house is available, and you have the funds, that's a better prospect! ESPECIALLY as - this guy is going to let you down. I am willing to bet that in a year, he'll be history and you'll be moving on. Even if not, no way now would I be happy putting myself and my baby in the position of living as guests in the house of a SIGNIFICANTLY older man who still seems to be a bit of an immature tosspot and especially one who seems happy to have a slightly hostile sister and mother whispering in his ear...

Stay away. Stay independent. And DEFINITELY give the baby your surname. If he doesn't stick around, the last thing you want is your baby, your own child, sharing the name of some damn family who can't be arsed, rather than YOURS - the person who is actually raising him/her!

Think too - if you don't stay together, one day you might continue your family with someone else. Then you would be in a position to choose whether you and your child change your name to a new family name, or be able at least to have all your children share a surname (yours). Rather than being stuck with his!

If you DO stay together, you can change names later.

But don't fgs let him dictate that - absolutely not - your surname, no discussion.

But the house. If I were you, I would consider those shared ownership properties, up to an exchange date say 10 weeks before your due date. That's perfectly doable, espcially if your parents would be ok with helping out with moving etc.

At the moment I think he feels like he has all the power - which he has really.

Oh no he doesn't.

And if you're getting that vibe from him - dump.

He has no power as long as you geneuinely believe you do not need him. Which you don't!

Get your house sorted, plan for YOUR baby, tell him calmly that you'll be deciding whether the relationship continues and whether you are together or not, you live separately and so there will be an offical CMS claim. Then you're straight, everyone is doing their duty and there's no power imbalance.

Honestly though I think he'll flake off to find something easier. He's a twat, you know that? He didn't really want a baby - he just didn't want to wear protection.

I'd take your parents help, get your own place. Dump him and claim maintenance.

Not being ready to move in when you are pregnant shows it's all about him and not you or the baby.

Sort yourself out and don't rely on him, he's had his chance.

It's going to be hard. It'll be harder if you try to stay with him. Good luck

Op... whilst your boyf could have done his timing better, I do think you moving out on your own is probably better.

As for the surname - do what you want. Double barrel etc if you need.

This man does clearly care about you, he's just freaking out and if you weren't pregnant would you be moving in with him already? Probably not. So just because you're having a baby doesn't mean run before you can walk. There's nothing saying he can't come and stay and help with the baby etc.

Bonus if he has his own place maybe when baby is old enough he can give you a rest for a night.

I'm in a similar situation except I already live on my own. Me and my boyfriend have an unplanned new relationship and he'll likely be spending weekends at mine when baby is here, as he's up at 4.30 for work etc and I want it that way. X

Going to explain that that's where the baby and I will be and if he does want to step up and parent then he can move in with me there and help with the rent. I'm mentally preparing to be a single parent.

Ok, but don't phrase it as "help with the rent". If he does move in he will be paying half of the rent, bills and food and of course, also contributing financially to things the baby needs not to mention actually parenting the baby and doing his share of looking after it and his share of the household chores.

If he is not prepared to do all of that then you are better off on your own.

But frankly I think he won't step up to the plate. He'll sort of see you for a bit and come over to yours a couple of nights a week but it will all die a death pretty soon when he realizes that he needs to make a proper commitment and that you're not going to be staying over at his when ever he fancies it.

Get a home established for you and the baby. Anything else is unimportant.

To be honest I don't think either of you gave serious thought to having a baby. Just stopping contraception and seeing how it goes while he stops pulling out is not the best.

You would have been better off living together before planning a baby. You may find that you're not able to live with each other...but now you would have a shared child.

At 22... they're is no rush for you at all.

You need financial stability and you don't even have the deposit for a flat with your parents helping.

My eldest is 2 years younger than you and I would really want her to be stable in her career....financially...have stability in her own or in joint accommodation before she even thought of bringing a child into the world.

How long have you been together?

TYPO

At 22... there's no rush for you at all.

Sorry you’re going through this op.

Dump the loser, he’s a grown man and will never change!

Don’t give the baby his surname and make sure you claim any maintenance you are entitled to.

You are still very young and have loads of time to do this on your own - and meet a real man one day!

SandyY2K

While I agree, it doesn’t really help now does it?
The op needs practical advice not a telling off 🙄

I'm so sorry you seem to be going out with a 12 year old. I would dump his ass, he won't improve.