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Original poster

boyfriend changed his mind on moving in pregnant

130 replies

welliving · 26/08/2020 15:29

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and need some advice. I’m currently living with my parents, but about a month ago my dog got out and killed their pet chickens. They said I needed to move out because of this, so I started looking for a house. I spoke to my boyfriend, explained I was looking for a house and he said no, don’t do that, move in with me. We had been talking about moving in together before the baby came anyway. He then hired people to come and redo the garden, fit a dog gate, board the loft and do other things to get the house ready for us. I was set to move in the first week of September originally and he wanted to move it back because the wardrobe for my clothes wasn’t arriving until the 15th. My parents are having my room redecorated on the 3rd and so have said I need to be moved out by then. I texted my partner explaining this and he’s sent me a paragraph about how he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to move in together yet, he feels rushed and pressured and doesn’t want to risk our relationship by moving too quickly. He’s on holiday with his parents and little sister at the moment and sent me this at 5:30 this morning. I am completely in bits because if he’d said this when they’d first asked me to move out I would have had plenty of time to look and get everything sorted. I spoke to my parents and they’ve offered to help me with a deposit so I can rent somewhere for six months. I’ve texted him saying this and he’s saying he does want us to move in together but not yet. I just don’t want to move in and then have to move again right before the baby comes or just after they’ve arrived. I feel so hurt and upset by this whole situation - I think a lot of it is him not feeling ready for the baby and me moving in making it real. He said he doesn’t want to damage our relationship by moving in too quickly but I can’t help but think this has damaged it more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to even look at him at the moment. I’m prepared to do this on my own if he won’t step up but I really do want him to be there for the baby and me if possible. I just feel like all the trust is completely gone. At the moment I go and stay at his 3 nights and four days a week anyway and he says he wants to continue with that arrangement. I feel like saying he can come to me at the new house if he wants to see me. Looking for some perspective on the situation and advice on how I deal with all of this. I've been crying all morning, feel so stressed about it all. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 27/08/2020 19:32

@Lifeisabeach09 I agree with you. There are so many ways nowadays for men to exert power of the women who bare their children even compared to the 1960s. At least back then you could leave with your kid and move easily with nobody knowing. Nowadays a guy could find out before you even leave and then try to block the removal of the child from the area even though he does no parenting at all. Just for spite. Based on that alone I wouldn't put his name on the BC. It's just common sense at this point.

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/08/2020 19:35

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

The law would disagree with you. As I'm sure you know, a mother can't add a father unless they are married or the father is present at registration if unmarried. So what happens if the father doesn't attend? Should he still be added for an 'accurate and complete' record. Nope!

Lillygolightly · 27/08/2020 19:39

@Saucy99 yes possibly should consider not replying to posts when I am very hormonal and been up since stupid o clock with a cranky toddler. I’m not usually a rage texter, honest Halo

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 27/08/2020 19:41

[quote Lifeisabeach09]@Sayitagainwhydontyou

The law would disagree with you. As I'm sure you know, a mother can't add a father unless they are married or the father is present at registration if unmarried. So what happens if the father doesn't attend? Should he still be added for an 'accurate and complete' record. Nope![/quote]
If the father isn't willing to attend then the point is moot. But if the father is willing to attend, then yes, a woman shouldn't make an appointment without him to omit his name!

JingsMahBucket · 27/08/2020 19:43

a woman shouldn't make an appointment without him to omit his name!

But, why not though? If the man has proven to be untrustworthy, why on earth should the woman go out of her way to add him to the record if it's only going to cause her pain and manipulation or abuse for the next 18 years?

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/08/2020 19:45

@JingsMahBucket, exactly. It gives a lot of power and control (18 years +) to a man that may turn out to have absolutely nothing, or very little, to do with the child and, indeed, might turn out to be an asshole (which sounds like might be the case in OPs situation).
The rhetoric of adding the father because "it's the right thing to do" or for "complete and accurate" reasons are completely out of touch with the reality of a lot of single mother experiences and places a lot of pressure on lone soon-to-be parents to add feckless fathers to birth certificates.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 27/08/2020 19:46

@JingsMahBucket

a woman shouldn't make an appointment without him to omit his name!

But, why not though? If the man has proven to be untrustworthy, why on earth should the woman go out of her way to add him to the record if it's only going to cause her pain and manipulation or abuse for the next 18 years?

Because it's not about her! The birth certificate is a legal document recording the birth of an individual, and that individual deserves it to be as complete and accurate as possible.
Lifeisabeach09 · 27/08/2020 19:55

But if the father is willing to attend, then yes, a woman shouldn't make an appointment without him to omit his name!

So basically you are saying it's up to the man. A man can choose to attend (thus adding his name) OR NOT but a woman MUST tell him about the appt, thus leaving the choice in the man's hands. Fuck that!

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/08/2020 19:58

birth certificate is a legal document recording the birth of an individual, and that individual deserves it to be as complete and accurate as possible.

As I said, legally, it doesn't.
It only needs as much information as the parent(s) provide. It need not be accurate either-a married woman can have affair, have a baby, and still register the baby as her husband's child.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 27/08/2020 19:59

@Lifeisabeach09

But if the father is willing to attend, then yes, a woman shouldn't make an appointment without him to omit his name!

So basically you are saying it's up to the man. A man can choose to attend (thus adding his name) OR NOT but a woman MUST tell him about the appt, thus leaving the choice in the man's hands. Fuck that!

Yes, it should be up to the father if he wants to be on his child's birth certificate! Why is that hard to understand?
Suzi888 · 27/08/2020 20:02

Agree with what @MrsTerryPratchett said? Gives you some time to relax, save and sort things out. Seems the ideal solution as your boyfriend has dog proofed.
Your focus should be on you and your baby and you can still see your dog. Take care op xx

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/08/2020 20:08

Yes, it should be up to the father if he wants to be on his child's birth certificate! Why is that hard to understand?

Sure, they can but why can't a woman choose if she wants the man to be on it also?! (Rhetorical) Grin

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 27/08/2020 20:11

@Lifeisabeach09

Yes, it should be up to the father if he wants to be on his child's birth certificate! Why is that hard to understand?

Sure, they can but why can't a woman choose if she wants the man to be on it also?! (Rhetorical) Grin

Do you not see the difference between a man making a decision for himself, and a woman making a decision for someone else?

You can't ask a stupid question with an easy answer and hope to avoid looking like an idiot by saying it's rhetorical.

Beachbodylonggone · 27/08/2020 20:18

Imo a man who has already bowed out of being a responsible, committed df does not get to pass on his name or receive PR...
If at a later stage the op feels it appropriate he can be added. He has shown he doesn't want to make decisions for his dc now... Why should up have to run any by him for the next 18 years if he has PR?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 27/08/2020 20:22

@Beachbodylonggone

Imo a man who has already bowed out of being a responsible, committed df does not get to pass on his name or receive PR... If at a later stage the op feels it appropriate he can be added. He has shown he doesn't want to make decisions for his dc now... Why should up have to run any by him for the next 18 years if he has PR?
He hasn't bowed out of any parenting, the baby isn't here yet! He's backing off on the relationship, which has nothing to do with the calibre of father he'll be.
Lifeisabeach09 · 27/08/2020 20:23

You can't ask a stupid question with an easy answer and hope to avoid looking like an idiot by saying it's rhetorical.

Now, now. There's no need to be an asshole!

There are a number of reasons I could give as to why the mother should a make the decision (ultimately) as to whether the man should be added (gives birth, likely primary carer to child, eh, THE LAW) but we'd disagree, surely. Grin

Beachbodylonggone · 27/08/2020 21:35

He doesn't want to live with his baby!!

Suzi888 · 27/08/2020 21:54

You’ve also had this conversation which existed of a paragraph over text.

You need to have it in person, for the most part I agree rushing into living together seems rash. You haven’t mentioned how old either of you are or whether the baby was planned- id assume not. Just because he has spoken to his family, who have obviously influenced him, doesn’t mean he won’t be a good dad or partner.

Notcoolmum · 27/08/2020 21:54

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either. It gives him parental responsibility when he's clearly not taking any responsibility right now. He can prevent you from taking your child on holiday, moving and other big decisions. Regardless of his involvement with the child.

Are you ready to be a lone parent? You are very young at 22. Being a lone parent is exhausting, physically and mentally. And having a new born is very difficult. I couldn't have managed on my own at that stage. Do you have anyone who would support you for the first few weeks at least? What if you have a section etc?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 27/08/2020 21:58

@Beachbodylonggone

He doesn't want to live with his baby!!
He doesn't want to live with OP. Should he be forced to live with her in order to preserve a relationship with his child? Is that what you'd advise a woman unhappy in her relationship to do?
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2020 22:30

@Suzi888

You’ve also had this conversation which existed of a paragraph over text. You need to have it in person, for the most part I agree rushing into living together seems rash. You haven’t mentioned how old either of you are or whether the baby was planned- id assume not. Just because he has spoken to his family, who have obviously influenced him, doesn’t mean he won’t be a good dad or partner.
She has done both, have a look back.
ItsLateHumpty · 27/08/2020 23:34

She has done both, have a look back.

I did a facepalm when I saw this too. OP has made a total of 6 whole posts so it’s not hard is it 🤦‍♀️

Lazy feck arse posters, time enough to post and make assumptions whether the baby was planned- id assume not but not read 6 posts.

user1481840227 · 28/08/2020 00:01

He sounds like an arsehole...a 32 year trying for a baby with a 22 year old ....then planning on moving in together, then changing his mind...and letting his family think you tried to trap him. He sounds like an immature child. I can't see the attraction!

wildcherries · 28/08/2020 00:06

@BowowMttt

I’d hardly call it bad advice, I hate how parenting is optional for men. Poor bloke trying to come to terms with the result of his own sperm. Infuriating! He needs to get a grip and step up to the plate like a man, not leave all the hard work to Op and just dip in and out as he pleases!
I need a like button on MN.
Chloemol · 28/08/2020 00:28

Get your own place, then he can come and stay with you, you can’t be taking stuff over to his for three nights and four days

Make sure he contributes to the baby at the proper rate as a minimum

Don’t give the baby his surname, give it yours

Then wait and see how he reacts and you can take the relationship slowly and on your terms not his

If it then doesn’t work out he goes, and you still have a home