boyfriend changed his mind on moving in pregnant

[welliving]

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and need some advice. I’m currently living with my parents, but about a month ago my dog got out and killed their pet chickens. They said I needed to move out because of this, so I started looking for a house. I spoke to my boyfriend, explained I was looking for a house and he said no, don’t do that, move in with me. We had been talking about moving in together before the baby came anyway. He then hired people to come and redo the garden, fit a dog gate, board the loft and do other things to get the house ready for us. I was set to move in the first week of September originally and he wanted to move it back because the wardrobe for my clothes wasn’t arriving until the 15th. My parents are having my room redecorated on the 3rd and so have said I need to be moved out by then. I texted my partner explaining this and he’s sent me a paragraph about how he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to move in together yet, he feels rushed and pressured and doesn’t want to risk our relationship by moving too quickly. He’s on holiday with his parents and little sister at the moment and sent me this at 5:30 this morning. I am completely in bits because if he’d said this when they’d first asked me to move out I would have had plenty of time to look and get everything sorted. I spoke to my parents and they’ve offered to help me with a deposit so I can rent somewhere for six months. I’ve texted him saying this and he’s saying he does want us to move in together but not yet. I just don’t want to move in and then have to move again right before the baby comes or just after they’ve arrived. I feel so hurt and upset by this whole situation - I think a lot of it is him not feeling ready for the baby and me moving in making it real. He said he doesn’t want to damage our relationship by moving in too quickly but I can’t help but think this has damaged it more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to even look at him at the moment. I’m prepared to do this on my own if he won’t step up but I really do want him to be there for the baby and me if possible. I just feel like all the trust is completely gone. At the moment I go and stay at his 3 nights and four days a week anyway and he says he wants to continue with that arrangement. I feel like saying he can come to me at the new house if he wants to see me. Looking for some perspective on the situation and advice on how I deal with all of this. I've been crying all morning, feel so stressed about it all. Thank you so much!

OP you have made all kinds of poor choices here & while you have clearly been a bit naive, you really need to stop being so irresponsible before the baby arrives.

You deliberately got pregnant under your parents' roof to a man who lived elsewhere & is seemingly keeping his options open. Now you're expecting your parents to pay for you to have your own place because he has let you down at last minute.

You need to get your own accommodation- can you not apply to the council? - keep working so you qualify for maternity leave, & get ready to submit an application for child maintenance. Whatever you do, do not move in and become reliant on him as he has proved himself to be untrustworthy.

On a side note, is your dog safe to be around a baby? Those poor chickens. I dont blame your parents for not wanting an extra adult, a dog and a newborn under their roof.

@welliving

Forgot to ask - why is it recommended to not give the baby his surname?

Why would you, it's so dated to assume baby's take the fathers name.

You are having the baby and doing all the hard work and he's not stepping up to the plate to look after you.

Your baby, your name.

Prepare to be a single parent family while keeping him informed of YOUR plans. He will need to work hard to get your trust back.

"Bless you, you sound really strong, despite the people who should be giving unconditional support all actually letting you and the baby down.

My god. This is your first pregnancy. You're only 22. And your mum is horrified she might have a baby in the house. And your bf needs 'another month or so' to agree to live in a house with you?!

Absolutely rent your own place. Do your own thing. Be the adult you clearly are (well done 💐). You sound like the only adult in all of this!"

This with bells on. You sound bloody amazing, OP. So grounded and sensible. I'm more than twice your age with two teenage children and I'm pretty convinced you're already more mature than I am! I'm sure you will do a terrific job of parenting also, including if you end up parenting alone.

Not RTFT so not sure if it's been mentioned: there will be a question around whether or not you should register your flakey BF as the father (since you're not married, you wouldn't be able to do this without his consent or a court order in any case). This is relevant because he will automatically have parental rights if you register him as the father. If you don't, he won't automatically have those rights though he will be able to apply for them.

You're still early on in the pregnancy so these considerations are several months away. Hopefully, by then your BF will have got a grip and proven himself to be a responsible partner and father-to-be. However, if he has still not stepped up by then, you may decide to go it alone and you may not want to give him the benefit of automatic parental rights by registering him as the father. Just flagging the point in case it becomes of interest to you in the future.

Good luck, OP! Based on what you've said so far, you'll get on top of this situation and make a terrific mum.

This is slightly off topic but I saw someone else hint at it. @welliving what is up with your brother locking the dog inside the chicken pen?? WHY would he do that? I hope your parents punished him and not you for that.

Also, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? I think you may have missed that when answering the other questions.

"On a side note, is your dog safe to be around a baby? Those poor chickens."

My goodness, unless it is a particularly high prey dog, it is not going to confuse babies and chickens.

Most dogs will kill a chicken for goodness sake.

On another note, there is no fucking way in hell I would have a dog that killed chickens anywhere near a baby, or any child for that matter.

Oh come off it, suspect the majority of dogs will kill chickens in that scenario. It's as stupid as letting a hamster/guinea-pig outside on the lawn when you have a pet cat and a cat flap. I doubt anyone would say to rehome the cat in that scenario.

The person to blame was the little brother, who shut the dog in with the chickens, what was that all about??

Getting your own place is absolutely the best thing for you, OP. It sounds like you'll cope fine with your baby, even if you're on your own.

"On another note, there is no fucking way in hell I would have a dog that killed chickens anywhere near a baby, or any child for that matter"

Please never get a dog.

Dogs are hunters. They kill and eat smaller animals. They don't hunt babies ffs

You sound like you have your head screwed on OP. Get your own place and prepare for him to be flakier than Cadbury's. tbh I suspect you'll end up a single parent but it really isn't too bad - I far prefer it!!
You know never the leave the dog with the baby anyway and I would say killing chickens really doesn't necessarily lead to attacking children. I kept my DD separate from the dogs and very supervised and never trust them tbh. I love them dearly but they are animals. We've never had a problem and now DD is 9, my spaniel is her best friend.

Good luck with the house. I hope you get it. It sounds perfect!

Good on you for standing your ground and not letting him treat you like a doormat.

For what it's worth my cat has killed several birds, but never killed any of the babies.

I find the parents' behaviour a bit odd in this situation. There's maybe a back story to it and I'm sure they weren't thrilled that their daughter got pregnant to a relatively new boyfriend while not living together.
But the parents

1. encouraged OP to live with them as they did not want her "wasting money on rent" and encouraged her to save money for a property purchase (ok, fair enough, so far so good)
2. OP gets pregnant and then says she will be moving in with bf so parents arrange to get the room redecorated on the 3rd Sept
3. OP tells us the dog got out and killed the chickens and then later said the brother locked the dog in with the chickens and it killed them. The parents then say the OP and dog have to move out. Why have the parents blamed the OP for this?
4. At the same time the bf pushes back the date to the 15th of Sept and then doesn't want OP moving in at all so the parents say, no you can't stay because you need to be out by the 3rd Sept. Could the parents not have made some alternative arrangement to make sure the OP has a place to stay until she can get sorted as the bf has left her in the lurch?
5. Now the parents are going to help her with a deposit on a rental flat (which is good) Why do the parents want rid of her so fast? There is something odd about this. There's some dynamic going on here that OP hasn't told us about.

I think the OP needs to get her own rental property and live in it, not let the bf back and do what she wants to do rather than being influenced by her parents encouraging her to live with them and then leaving her in the lurch by suddenly wanting her out because of the dog incident which the little brother caused.

@Namechange8471

There always a chance of a second pregnancy with him or someone else in the future... so it's best to know for then.

I am assuming you have not been together long.
You say you got pregnant within the first month, so I am assuming perhaps you did not wait long before having sex?
What strikes me is that you cannot see how unsupportive your parent's are being, they are putting their desire for more chickens before their daughter.
I think it is time to start getting cross with everyone and that includes your brother.

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia

Do not give the baby his surname.

This.

Don't worry about your dog OP. My terriers have killed small animals. They are fine with humans and children.

Animal prey drive bears no correspondence to a dog biting a human.

What Fizzy said. Go for the shared ownership property.

Just to clarify regarding the surname. I think posters mean that and to not put him on the birth certificate. He can still be involved and pay maintenance without being on it.
The reasons are--you will require his signature/permission for lots of things if he is on it. Passport, travel abroad, etc. It's all fine if you get along and he stays involved. A noose around your neck and an utter pain in the arse if not.

Also agree with PPs regarding your parents. Kicking their pregnant daughter out is a new low.

@Lifeisabeach09 I think posters mean both. Don't put him on the birth certificate and don't give the child his surname. Might as well cover all the bases.

A birth certificate is a legal document - you ARE in a relationship with the bloke it wasn't a one night stand and he is 50% responsible for making the baby so should be named on the birth certificate.....unless of course you wouldn't dream of accepting a penny from him in maintenance Of the relationship does break down further. Can't have it both ways

OP if it's possible for you to buy rather than renting then please, please do that, even if it means moving out at 6 or 7 or 8 months pregnant.

Don't waste your hard saved money on rent when you could set yourself and your baby up so much more securely.

Can your 'D'P have the dog at his place in the meantime, so your parents can have their precious chickens?

@Lifeisabeach09 the birth certificate is a legal document, the purpose of which is to record information about the identity and heritage of the baby. It's not a tool for one parent to use against the other!

The only reason for leaving a known father off the birth certificate is in cases of severe abuse. In this case, it would just be a petty powerplay.

[quote Sayitagainwhydontyou]@Lifeisabeach09 the birth certificate is a legal document, the purpose of which is to record information about the identity and heritage of the baby. It's not a tool for one parent to use against the other!

The only reason for leaving a known father off the birth certificate is in cases of severe abuse. In this case, it would just be a petty powerplay.[/quote]
Thank you, I thought this was going a bit crazy! You shouldn't leave a father of the birth certificate, it's not right.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou, I know what a birth certificate is, thanks! A child can still know its parent and heritage without the father being on the birth certificate. Unfortunately, there are situations in which uninvolved and absent fathers are listed on birth certificates, which causes problems for the mother later on such as when applying for official documentation and when travelling abroad. Men have known to use it as a 'powerplay' also.

Added to which, OP can't add her child's father unless he is present for registration because they are not married.

I stand by what I said, OP. Don't add him to the birth certificate unless he is going to be involved-he is still obliged to pay maintenance and your child can still know his/her father whether he is on it or not. I'm not saying this to play games-I'm saying this because should he disappear later on, it can be a POA officially.

[quote Lifeisabeach09]@Sayitagainwhydontyou, I know what a birth certificate is, thanks! A child can still know its parent and heritage without the father being on the birth certificate. Unfortunately, there are situations in which uninvolved and absent fathers are listed on birth certificates, which causes problems for the mother later on such as when applying for official documentation and when travelling abroad. Men have known to use it as a 'powerplay' also.

Added to which, OP can't add her child's father unless he is present for registration because they are not married.

I stand by what I said, OP. Don't add him to the birth certificate unless he is going to be involved-he is still obliged to pay maintenance and your child can still know his/her father whether he is on it or not. I'm not saying this to play games-I'm saying this because should he disappear later on, it can be a POA officially.[/quote]
Frankly, whether or not it's a POA for OP is irrelevant - it is a legal record of the child, and the child deserves it to be accurate and complete. OP should not be allowed to omit relevant details from a legal document for her own convenience!

*PITA

@Lillygolightly wow, really touched a nerve with you didn't it? 😂