Issues with bf sticking up for ex

[Sunshine09876]

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

You problem is with you partner - not with his ex!!!

He shouldn’t be moaning and then get pissed off when you agree with his complaints. If I were you I would either say you don’t want to hear it when he starts moaning and complaining about her. I also would not waste my breath weighing in with my opinions either. I can understand that it affects you, but at the same time you don’t really have any control over her behaviour, you can’t control how your partner feels about it, the only thing you have control over is your reaction to it. If I were you I’d start focussing on how to deal with my own reaction to it, because complaining about him/her does you no favours clearly...and it’s not like complaining changes anything anyway, so don’t!

As for the ex - you clearly don’t think much of her parenting or parenting style. Parenting is very nuanced and individual, lots of people do things that others never would. Whatever her failing as a parent, you have no idea how she feels about that deep down. Maybe she actually does just really struggle with it (no doubt your boyfriend knows all this having witnessed it all when his DS was born) maybe she is doing her absolute best and while that might not seem like much to you, maybe it is a lot for her. Maybe she is a lazy parent, maybe she’s uninterested or whatever I don’t know as I don’t know her, and the thing is you don’t really know her either (your boyfriend does however) you only see a snapshot of her life, and snapshots often don’t represent the reality. I’m sure she loves her DS, and and I’m sure her DS loves her too. DS not wanting to go to her house is not an accurate barometer of his love for his mother, or for the kind of care he receives there, most likely it’s more like he doesn’t want to be away from his own home, his bed, toys and things that are familiar to him. He can’t separate the feelings and emotions of wanting to see/spend time with his mum and the feeling of finding time away from his home and familiar surroundings difficult and so he cries. It’s normal!!

Abortion - I really sorry but I have to point out how absolutely and utterly unreasonable for thinking you have any place to judge and pass comment on her abortion. The other things I can understand, this I can not understand or agree with. It is her body and her choice and it’s not one she is in any obligated to share with her boyfriend. In an ideal world, yes he would know and hopefully would have supported her decision. However if she wasn’t at all sure about that, I totally support her in her choice to not tell him. If she absolutely knew she didn’t want to it couldn’t keep it, and also if she does in fact struggle to be a parent I applaud her ever further because she made a tough yet responsible and mature decision. Abortions aren’t something anyone ever does lightly, and even if it is very much wanted it is still an incredibly hard and traumatic thing to go through. Your boyfriend is right to have some sympathy for her here, I have sympathy for her here too!!

If you want your relationship to continue I think you really have to work on your feelings about her. She is taking up far too much of your headspace, and if you continue in this way it’s really not going to end well for anybody. As I said, I think it’s wrong of your boyfriend to moan about her, but then get annoyed when you agree and starts switching to defend her. I totally get how frustrating this must be, and I think there are ways to solve this. However I think you also seem to be irrationally angry with her, that you somehow feel like she’s getting away with murder....I think you need to deal with your thoughts and feelings on this. She is the mother of your boyfriends child, so she isn’t going to be going away any time soon. She is in your life, your boyfriends life, DS’s life and for a long time to come, possibly forever. You need to find a healthy way of dealing with the fact and I think if you can’t do that, then the best thing is for you to end the relationship and leave.

I think people are being a bit extreme. It is very annoying to listen to someone vent about something again and again but do nothing to to change it/keep saying they're going to but then backtrack, or seem to actively not welcome your advice despite talking to you about it extensively. Especially when the fallout impacts your life, which it does as a step parent. That is naturally annoying, so I don't think it's a sign that you need some deep psychological help. Sometimes things are just irritating to deal with, whether they are our business or not. You are letting the annoyance get the better of you, but I can understand why you are annoyed.

Equally I understand why you fall back to "so why did you have a child with her then" when he complains. My partner and his ex were blatantly ill suited to each other, he was (to most) obviously too young to be getting married to the first woman he dated and having kids, and also fell into the classic "let's have a baby and that'll make the fact that I'm miserable with you all better" fallacy. I would never have made those decisions and I find them hard to understand, so it is difficult not to feel resentful. His past decisions have a huge impact on our life now, and I think I'd have to be a robot for the thought "why the fuck did you complicate your life by tying yourself to this woman" to not cross my mind when things get tough because of my step son, which is often. It crosses my mind at least once every time he complains about anything to do with the situation, but I feel less angry and frustrated by it than I did in the early days, and most importantly I've learnt that I can't just keep going on about it because it's just too much negativity for the relationship to work. It's a very cutting thing to say to someone and taps into their deepest wounds, so certainly shouldn't be done regularly.

I think you're stuck in the stage of not being able to let go of your frustration with the situation, either that or you're just not suited to being with someone with kids/a present ex, which is nothing shameful. But you need to figure out which it is and focus on not giving it headspace (tell your partner you just don't want to listen to him vent about it because the situation already irritates you too much - he needs to stop complaining if he doesn't want you to weigh in), because it's a toxic waste of your time. The less impact you allow her to have on your life, the better it will be.

OK, so I am in your position. I have a partner, been together years, I have a child, he has three, both with previous partners

We have been together years because we respect each others past. My ex is an arse hole. However he is also my sons dad. He ain't gonna go away and we both need to deal with it. When I rant at my DP about the ex, I don't want him to join in, I want him to listen and let me vent and just let off steam. Then I can get on with Co parenting again.
If it does become a bit much for him and he slags the ex, I stick up for the ex. Don't get e me wrong, I despise the guy, but he's my sons dad and I feel I should defend him
On the other hand, his ex seems like a Lovely woman, however has different priorities and makes different decisions to the ones I would make. Am I jealous and insecure about their past? Yeah probably it would have been nice to make the memories that they have got, and the experiences they have had with the kids, but I look forward to doing to with grandkids etc. I won't slag her choices off and I'm careful about how I phrase any thoughts or criticism. Mainly out of respect for DP but also out of respect for the kids that's are older now.

If you want your relationship to last you need to do something similar. Out of respect for him, just butt out and keep your mouth shut. Nod and agree if need be, let him vent, but don't make it your issue.
By the way, if it helps, it's OK to feel insecure or jealous. It's a natural feeling that you aren't getting all the ' firsts'. Just look forward to the ones you will get to share.

Op, it does sound as if you are overly invested in/obsessed by this woman...has your boyfriend over-shared with you about his relationship with her (slagged her off) since the start of your relationship? Has the ex always been a frequent topic of conversation instigated by him not you and have you always added fuel to the fire or is this fairly recent? If you haven’t had this dislike of boyfriends exes in previous relationships and are generally not a jealous person, perhaps your boyfriend has drip fed you to the extent he’s caused this hate...if that’s the case, he’s not bringing out the best in you is he?

I asked earlier but I see you're determined to think the world is against you so doubt you'll answer. But...

Have you asked him not to slag her off to you to avoid these arguments? If so, and he is still doing it then why are you staying with him?

If you haven't asked him to stop, why haven't you?

You've been with him two years. This is the dynamic. Why are you still together?

Grow up.

[quote Sunshine09876]@IAmFleshIAmBone I make judgments because of the way she has lied. There is a poor man who thinks she is some kind of angel, when in fact she has aborted his child without telling him.[/quote]
Stop judging a decision that is entirely up to her. Was none of your boyfriends business and definitely none of yours.

Fact of the matter is that your boyfriend has a healthy view of women’s rights over their body and anyone’s right to privacy. You don’t.

Has your boyfriend always had a healthy view of women’s rights over their bodies though...or has he been judgemental over the abortion and spoken nastily about his ex and her treatment of him then backtracked when you agreed? If he has been speaking about her and their past in an unpleasant way and far too often since the start of your relationship maybe he sowed this nasty seed of hatred ...in which case it’s toxic..or maybe it is just jealousy on your part. Either way not healthy.

If I were you I’d be looking at WHY you feel the need to point out all her negative points?
Your partner is clearly fully aware of them.
It sounds very draining that he’s trying to be the middle man and grown up about the situation.
My boyfriends ex is a vile woman, but I don’t feel the need to ask him why he had children with her. I’m not sure what you are wanting or expecting from your boyfriend?
Isn’t it draining to constantly be going on about another person?

Out of respect for him, just butt out and keep your mouth shut. Nod and agree if need be, let him vent, but don't make it your issue

As much as I agree with the sentiment of not making it her issue, I don't think it's reasonable to expect to habitually vent to someone about something that impacts them too, and expect them not to respond. Isn't that just emotional offloading? I think the partner here needs to take some responsibility and not burden her with his problems around the situation if he doesn't welcome her input.

Because most of u on here are ex wives/gf’s who feel superior right?

Nope. I'm current (first actually!) wife, no kids, while DH has ex-DP who is the mother of DSD. So I'm usually good for at least seeing the SM point of view, if not sympathetic.

I agree your DP's ex's behaviour sounds crazy - but PP's are right, her previous behaviour is really nothing to do with you, and something that shouldn't really still be a conversation in your house - it's affecting your relationship, and you shouldn't let it.

Regardless of what I think of my DSD's mother's behaviour or life choices, it's got absolutely nothing to do with me, and I have to respect that she's DSD's mother - so even when DSD is angry or upset with her, or in a particular moment she doesn't want to go, I know she still really loves her because she's her mother. She'd need to do something pretty catastrophic to break that bond. (And FWIW, I'm sure there are times she also says she doesn't want to come to us! Typically focussed around not wanting to leave whatever she's doing at that particular moment.)

If or when I do have opinions on parenting type things such as screen time allowed / leaving with grandparents etc, I try to keep those opinions to myself for that reason. She's her mother, not me, and it's up to both her and my DH to discuss / agree what they see fit in terms of their co-parenting. While I do have a big role in her upbringing, particularly when she's at our house - and we have a great relationship - again - I'm not her mother, so it's not my place to judge DH's exgf's decisions, parenting or otherwise.

I listen if DH has a particular issue with something she's done or said relating to DSD that he disagrees with, and if he specifically asks me for my view or advice on something I'll of course provide that support - but I would think worse of him were he to properly bitch to me (or anyone) about the mother of his child, or not at least try to defend her if I or anyone else went off on one about her.

I just think it's worth some thought - I can see it's frustrating for you and it's easy to have an opinion, but would you want to be with someone who would openly trash talk the mother of his child, regardless of what she's done?

This woman is going to be in your life regardless, if your relationship has a future. You need to decide if you can make peace with that - life will be easier if you can all get on and you can let some of this anger go.

Yes I'd say it's emotional offloading. I also think that's part of being a partnership, having someone you can do that with. Same as if I have a bad day at work, I rant to my DP, get it off my chest. I don't expect him to do anything about it, but it's good to offload. Or is that breaking another mums net law?

@baileys6904 The difference is that what happens at your work doesn't negatively impact your DP so he is just being supportive. His ex and their shared child, and everything attached to that DOES impact OP so it isn't fair of him to also burden her with listening to him complain about it but not being allowed to say anything back. She will have her own feelings on the subject because it affects her, that he is expecting her to actively dig into through these conversations, but suppress, so that he can offload.

[quote Sunshine09876]@Menora that’s exactly what I do now unfortunately, go over and over the list to try and remind him of everything she has done whilst he continues making lame excuses for her! It’s current issues that make me re iterate all she’s done in the past I guess. I just don’t understand how he can not see what type of person she is, or see her terrible behaviours towards his DS. It’s total frustration.[/quote]
Did you ever stop to think that perhaps he doesn’t want to live in the past and just wants to peacefully cop aren’t his child?!

*coparent

Did you miss the bit about me offloading about my ex as well? Am I abusing my partner? Is he abusing me when he does it? Or is it part of being a supportive partnership? Both myself and my DP have children with respective exes. What's more constructive, hearing someone out and letting them offload the frustrations so they can get on with coparenting, or join in the slagging match, bring up the past and reminding them how shit the ex is, whilst knowing there's another good knows how many years of it to come

baileys I said unfair, not abusive. And I do think it's somewhat unfair, yes, fair enough if your partner doesn't himself struggle with any of the issues you offload about, but if he does then I think it's very unfair to expect to have those one way conversations.

My comment is reliant on OP being completely honest in her comment about it being her partner who starts the rant and then shuts OP down when she follows his lead and shares her own feelings. But assuming that is true, I think he needs to stop bringing it up.

Equally, OP needs to stop escalating simple every day complaints by bringing up older and wider issues like why he had children with her and her lying to her boyfriend. But if OP is honest it sounds like the conversation goes more like
Him: "I'm so frustrated by my ex's parenting decisions"
Her: "I agree they leave a lot to be desired"
Him: "Why are you criticising her? She's great."
Her: "What are you talking about, what about all the things she's done?"
In which case I can see why she ends up taking the conversation in that direction. She's responding to the frustration of him feeding into her annoyance and then expecting her to bottle it up. He's essentially riling her up on a subject he knows she finds annoying, and then immediately taking it all back, leaving her frustrated and annoyed. Hence why I think it's unfair of him to offload to her on this subject, as well as her being unreasonable to take her annoyance about it so far.

I'm sorry, its the mums net rule of "she shall never be wrong" again. My bad, I always forget that one. Especially, u know, being in the same situation of the OP n all, and knowing what that's like but dealing with it in a way that's not fucking up my relationship, but hey, you're right, He's a bastard, of course.

Until of course a bloke posts with the same tale...

Sunshine, you're really getting the stick. I think you both didn't give enough information because you didn't say he's the one complaining to begin with. And also, too much, as in your bringing up the abortion.

I think I understand where you're coming from. There's an old saying- "I can say what I like about _, but you'd better not say a thing!" Which is him griping about her behavior , but then going on defense when you agree with him. At this point it's happened so often that you're unbelievably frustrated that he defends her. And as a result, you're angry; family and friends don't know about any of it and treat her accordingly. He apparently only feels safe complaining to you, but he's sending a massive mixed message.

You're right; it's more about his behavior than hers. There's probably some envy involved, but that's a very human reaction, because his reversal each time he complains to you ends on a sympathetic response for his ex. Even though he brought it up.

He may not see how messed up that is or that he's created (and is apparently continuing) a situation that lets him vent about her, and then defend her when you agree with his initial bitching. He's having it both ways, and you end up as the bad guy.

I think that before he kicks off again, you need to discuss this. You can see the pattern, but maybe he doesn't. I'd tell him he can't complain to you and then defend her when you agree with his griping. It's confusing, is causing problems in your relationship, and there is no way you'll ever win on this. He apparently feels guilty. A lot of people will cry on someone's shoulder but then defend the very person they were crying about.

I think he just wants someone to listen to his frustration over her without judgment. You're "safe" because he can't complain to friends or family without causing permanent problems in his child's life.

Yes, it's unfair that he's doing this to you, but you have the power to stop it because he won't on his own. You have a few choices. Just listen without saying anything; be his safe place to unload but leave him to resolve those feelings on his own. After a while he might stop because he's not getting a response from you. Or you can tell him not to bring it up anymore as you don't want to argue. Arguing about her should not be the focus of your relationship. It's taking time and energy away from that. And you always have the option to end the relationship.

It won't be easy; ignoring everything he's told you about the situation with his ex can't be forgotten. Maybe write out your feelings to yourself and then destroy it. But whatever you do, break this cycle. It's not good for either of you, and I think you're being hurt more by this than he is.

If she wanted to have an abortion she was probably best off not telling him, it's her body. I'm with your b/f on this tbqh and why do you care anyway, it's fuck all to do with you

Good god you need to get over it.
It's absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else that she had an abortion, stop bringing it up!
Why do you care that she cheated?
What is it about her patenting that is so awful?

There is a poor man who thinks she is some kind of angel, when in fact she has aborted his child without telling him.

So....? Having an abortion doesn't make you a bad person FFS!

He sounds normal to me. No man should bad mouth the mother of his child. He doesn't seem like he has any issues however you do. You sound extremely jealous

baileys eh? I don't think he's a bastard. I agreed with the rest of your comment, I just think there's compromise to be had on both sides and actually as much as OP needs to work on her feelings around these issues, he shouldn't be baiting them since the issue is of his making and affects her too.

This poor man, going from a lying cheat to a complete fucking psycho

Doesn't sound like baiting to me. Sounds like he's trying to have do an adult conversation with his partner