Issues with bf sticking up for ex

[Sunshine09876]

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

I said I believe her behaviour was wrong, and the fact she cheated and had an abortion then lied and covered it up was wrong

But why keep bringing it up? It's completely irrelevant to this situation now or her parenting. It happened years ago, before you were with your boyfriend, it didn't even happen to you so I don't understand why you have such a strong and passionate opinion on it. Just forget about it now and stop bringing it up.

My husband's ex did things in the past that I don't agree with, cheated on him etc... But it's nothing to do with me, I wasn't around then. No I don't agree with it but I literally never think about it. It certainly doesn't cloud the way I think about her on a daily basis, in fact the absolute extent of my feelings toward it was a bit sad for my husband when he opened up about how he was hurt by it the only time it was ever mentioned. I then forgot about it and we got on with our relationship, it's literally never been brought up since, why would it it's in his past, no one can change it. Him and I hating her because of it makes no difference and just makes everyone's life harder.

[quote Sunshine09876]@OnlyHereForThePie that is the stage we are at now. But then when I say that he goes in a mood with me saying so u think it’s ok DS is hysterical not wanting to go etc. I can’t win. I have very strong opinons on her because as a mother myself I don’t like how she treats SS. Causes issues as I have a good relationship with my children’s dad, we get on fine.[/quote]
But that is for your boyfriend to deal with. It's his son. You're not his parent, I understand that you can care and not like to see a child upset but it's just not your issue to fight. If you can't handle being with someone who parents differently to you or does something with their child you don't agree with then you should leave because you can't change it.

Her having an abortion or cheating, does not have any bearing on her abilities as a mother. YOU SHOUKD NOT KEEP BRINGING THIS UP! Keep it to what she does with her son, maybe focus on some of her positives? If you're not careful, their son will pick up on your attitude and that could ruin his relationship with his mother.

Does he need to 'stick up for her' because you are being critical of her? She is none of your business so keep all comments to yourself.

If however he is constantly mentioning her, then you have every right to pull him up on it an ask him to stop.

The subject of exGf shouldn't even come up during normal conversation. She only needs mentioning when it comes to her DS and those arrangements.

Because most of u on here are ex wives/gf’s who feel superior right? Ridiculous what amazes is me is reading through other posts how u all have so much spare time to write judgmental shit all over peoples posts rather than just having an opinon you all decide to be nasty. Please bear in mind what u read is only part of a very long story. I wrote this post for different points of view not to be called names.

You really don't like people daring to think differently to you do you. I agree with the PP who said you're toxic.

This is going to eventually cause you to split, if you can’t let go of your dislike for her. That he’s sticking up for her shows he’s a decent and empathetic guy. You should be able to appreciate this without sounding jealous. This is a woman who will always be in your life if you stay with this man, because of the child they have together. If you’re struggling at this stage, it doesn’t bode well for your future. I say this with insight, because I’ve been in the same position. You need to find a way to shut down your negative thinking, which is only distressing yourself.

The only thing I would have ever mention to my DH was about his son, if I thought there were issues going on with his mother I would say maybe he should speak to DS and see if he can get to the bottom of it. But if he chooses not to well then that's up to him as the boys parent and I wouldn't keep going on about it. I may not agree with it and if it was causing me so much distress I would leave.

I think I understand why your BF gets defensive. From the sounds of it, any time he expresses any kind of minor frustration about her - such as 'she's let DS be on the iPad all day' you immediately respond by escalating to 'well, why did you have a child with her', which is clearly a) beyond the level of grumbling he's putting out and b) not a nice thing to say about his child (do you wish he'd never been born) and your BF's judgement and a big part of his past.

Just let him grumble at a normal every day level (like I might complain that DH is shit at doing the dishes), make soothing noises, and don't immediately leap to 'well, this means she's an awful person, you have shit judgement and your past relationship was a waste of time'.

You also, in all honesty, do sound jealous. Let it go. Especially let the abortion go. You have absolutely no right to comment on another woman's private medical history and choices she has made about her own body.

Youre behaviour towards this woman is not normal and has been reflected throughout this thread.

Honestly Menora you’re fighting a losing battle here.

I completely agree with your comments but op has decided to ignore everyone’s advice and keeps repeating the same script.

Some people just post for an argument. I’m not convinced op actually wants any advice. Just for us all to believe her dp’s ex is an awful person. The same thing she wants her dp to believe. As it’s not going her way, her posts are getting more and more childish.

@Malaya

I agree. I had to wait in for a delivery this morning, I do try to post to help and I don’t really get any pleasure out of antagonising people but there are certainly people who just want to rant and not take on advice. It’s a shame but I won’t waste any sleep over it don’t worry 😂

There has been loads of good advice here and I think MN can be a brilliant source for help and support. I think this would have done SO much worse in AIBU 😂

I think the best thing to do when he starts moaning about his ex is say 'i know and roll your eyes'.

That is it, nothing else.

You are goading him by asking why he had a child with someone who wasnt maternal. Of course he will snap back at that comment.

Surely no one knows how maternal you are until you have a child so its a bit daft to ask that question.

My ex and father of my daughter is a twat and I'll moan about him a lot but he is my twat of an ex to moan about and not anyone elses to comment on.

You are right. You cannot win. He is not the man for you. Accept it. Stop shouting into the wind. Split up. Get on with your life. Maybe meet a man who is more compatible with you.

Op I mean this gently I think you need to get some help, the anger, and sheer vitriol coming from your posts is disturbing. You’re now on here lashing out at strangers because they won’t agree with you, just like your boyfriend, do you behave to him like you’re behaving on here?

Honestly some counselling and help in how to control and manage your negative emotions, anger, and thoughts is something you need to consider.

God woman, drop it.
Her abortion is no ones business but hers, and it sounds like she made the right, albeit, difficult decision.

You do sound obsessed with her to be honest, maybe you should walk away from this relationship before you make everyone miserable.

You sound like a deeply unpleasant person. None of this is your business stop judging her and leave it alone.

Your going about this all the wrong way op.
If your bf says “ds has been on the iPad all day at his dm’s” instead of venting your frustration about how horrible she is you should say “well let’s take him to the park for a hour.”

Your his partner he’s allowed to be frustrated at the small day to day things without you been hysterical about it bringing up abortions and cheating. If you carry on behaving this angry you will split.

Also it’s not you job to show the world how awful she is. We are all human and we all fuck up. Nobody deserves to have past mistakes ( that by the sounds of it she’s paid for by losing her family) brought up over and over again. Your coming off extremely nasty and bitter towards her so your making her the victim. She will always be his ds mother him been forever angry at her will only hurt his ds. It sounds to me that your bf is handling the situation as best he can.

I think you both would benefit at taking a non-judgemental stance, towards each other and the ex. You don't have to approve of anything she does or that your boyfriend has done in the past but holding on to so much judgement is toxic to yourself and your relationships.

It sounds a bit like what happens in families (where we have little choice in who have). We moan about out parents but if someone calls them out to us we might defend them. I understand how annoying it must feel to be shut down when it feels like you share the same opinion. I would just reply "yes, I know" if he was complaining about her or ask that he stops. She's going to be around for a while so best to disengage and focus your energy on things you can control.

I think the wisest thing you can do is keep your mouth well and truly shut about her. I mean totally. Your BF knows full well what she has done in the past and what she continues to do. In order to effectively co-parent with her (which is essential for the wellbeing of his child), there needs to be some level of peace and he knows that. You pouring any petrol on the fire will just back him into a corner and make him defend the mother of his child, surely you can see that. Your only job is to support your partner through the crappy feelings and dealing with his lot. She is absolutely none of your concern. He has shown he won't bitch about her to you so just stop. You are wrecking your own relationship here; not her or him...you. Just be the decent person. Be the person she wasn't. Be the excellent partner. His family will love you more for it because he will be happy. Really, if you can't get over these feelings you really should leave the relationship. Its not healthy for any of you.

For fuck sake OP, get a fucking grip!!
You're obsessed with your boyfriends ex, it's actually scary how invested you are.

Maybe you need to get a hobby and stop talking about her!

How you talk about her OH not knowing she had an abortion is a bit disturbing, as if you have fantasies of somehow letting him know, and fucking up her life.

And no, I'm not an ex-wife or anything.

But then as soon as I say my opinion on her he stands up for her.

Don't do it, then.

Treat DSS reasonably yourself, as you presumably are. That's all the involvement you have to have in any of this.

I think PP's are right, counselling would help. I got counselling because I was wound up about something/someone, and I think it's helped. You could see a counsellor to let off steam, or a therapist to help you deal with this situation. You'd feel better for it.

Then he will say something like ‘well she wasn’t ever maternal’ I’ll say well why did u have a child with her? Then he gets annoyed at me

If you say this, you're not criticising her at that point, you're criticizing his judgement in having a child with her. Of course he's going to explain his choices and be defensive then.

But then when I say that he goes in a mood with me saying so u think it’s ok DS is hysterical not wanting to go etc.

Do the broken record method. 'I'm not getting involved in your co-parenting...I'm not getting involved in your co-parenting....I'm not getting involved in your co-parenting.' Don't engage in discussion.

The whole scene sounds like it must be unpleasant to live in.

How do you feel about the relationship in general? Does all this aggro take up much of the time? What are you getting out of the relationship?

As a PP said, this is still quite early in the relationship. It doesn't sound a barrel of laughs TBH.

"I think the wisest thing you can do is keep your mouth well and truly shut about her. I mean totally. Your BF knows full well what she has done in the past and what she continues to do. In order to effectively co-parent with her (which is essential for the wellbeing of his child), there needs to be some level of peace and he knows that. You pouring any petrol on the fire will just back him into a corner and make him defend the mother of his child, surely you can see that. Your only job is to support your partner through the crappy feelings and dealing with his lot. She is absolutely none of your concern. He has shown he won't bitch about her to you so just stop. You are wrecking your own relationship here; not her or him...you. Just be the decent person. Be the person she wasn't. Be the excellent partner. His family will love you more for it because he will be happy. Really, if you can't get over these feelings you really should leave the relationship. Its not healthy for any of you."

This.

I can only hope this thread I fake... I have read the whole thing, OP your behaviour is so beyond innapropriate. You have been told this hundreds of times now, and refuse to accept that (a) it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and (b) your bf is well aware he was cheated on, however like any halfway decent person he is not going to allow someone to slag off the mother of his child and discuss her abortion.
The only thing your bf is doing wrong quite frankly is staying with you. You are making yourself a toxic presence and actively undermining his ability to be a good parent. There is a very good chance he’ll grow some balls and give you the boot—I hope he puts his child first.

What are you honestly trying to achieve? Your behaviour is bullying, cruel, unsupportive and vindictive. If that doesn’t represent who you are as a person, they you have clearly got yourself wound up into a bad situation for you and need to get some distance from it.

You are being an unsupportive partner—when he complains about something she did, the correct response for you to do is nod supportively and say you’ll be there for him. He is most definitely NOT inviting you to insult and bully the mother of his child. How you can’t see this is beyond me.

Unfortunately with your lack of basic insight it’s unlikely to be solvable. I hope he puts his child (and his sanity!) first and makes the obvious decision here.

@Notapheasantplucker That's what I said when I first started to post lol, and before I'd seen her comments to PP, which read as projection to me. 'Need a hobby,' and judgmental

@Sunshine09876 Find other stuff to focus on. Hobbies etc, your children. Express your emotions and let of steam by writing, making memes imgflip.com/memegenerator other creativity, exercise, counselling, whatever.

She cheated = not your business.
She had an abortion = not your business.
She didn't tell her partner she'd had an abortion = not your business.
She doesn't parent her son the way I want her to = NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

Can you see where the difficulties arise yet?