Great third date, but......

[Whatgoesaround192]

..... it ended in sex which I hadn't planned and now I sense a change in him. Namechanged for this post as don't want it linked. I feel I have massively messed up although I know it takes two to tango. I met a nice man online and we had a coffee date first and really hit it off which if you know OLD, is quite rare! Three hours flew by. The following week, we went to dinner. Again, had a lovely time. We had a little kiss at the end of the night and I drove home feeling happy and hopeful. Everything felt right - no constant messaging all day, just a nice 'good morning' one from him and a phone call in the evening. He was keen to arrange a third date for Saturday just gone. He booked a restaurant and said I could either drive or if I wanted to drink, he would order me a a taxi to collect me and take me home. I wanted to have a couple of glasses of wine so I booked my own taxi to his. We walked hand in hand to the restaurant and again, another lovely night. We went back to his and I had another glass of wine and we played a game of pool (he has a games room) and then he took his dogs out for a walk - he was gone about half an hour. When he came back, we started kissing and I said about getting my taxi and I think I said "or do you want me to stay?" and he said yes. So I did and we had sex that night and again in the morning. He dropped me home at half 9 yesterday morning as he was going to circuits and although he called me last night, he just seemed different, like he was talking to a mate or something. I could tell the call was about to wrap up so I said "are we going to see each other this week?" and he said yes but I felt like I was making all the effort and really he could have taken or left it. Now I'm feeling crap for sleeping with him and that he is maybe seeing me in a different light. But he could have said "no, I think you should go home" couldn't he? Maybe I'm overthinking it but I'm usually quite perceptive. Why oh why did I drink and not just drive home. Really beating myself up here. Not even sure what I'm asking for - reassurance I suppose. To put things in perspective, we are grown ups - I'm 50 and he's 52. I was all excited and now I just feel disappointed (and a bit of a slapper - I'm not!)

I agree about chubby method it doesn't exactly sound like an exciting whirlwind method 😆 but people are different. For every chubby with their strict rules they'll be an equal number of married couples who did indeed fuck on the first date and never looked back so you know, it's horses for courses

@GreenestValley Why are women mocked for having boundaries and high expectations? Why should I not hold my body, my self worth and my emotions up as precious? If I didn't think I was worth travelling to, taking out and time spent, why would anyone else? I can assure you it wasn't depressing. I enjoyed myself very much. I was 31 when I decided I'd like to meet someone and started on OLD. My dating experience was lots of nice men and nice dinners out with no stress or over thinking, no wondering if men would call, no feeling used or discarded which is what most women end up feeling after these encounters. What's the point in investing emotionally and physically in strangers? I was a single mother and didn't want to invest hours and hours on randoms from OLD that might disappear at any moment. Better things to do. I also had no desire to rack up multiple sexual partners given that increased number of sexual partners is a risk factor for cervical cancer.

I suppose it depends on your dating strategy. I struggle juggling three or four men, even if it's just talking on the app. I tend to focus on one and until this guy we're discussing came on the scene, I had never wanted to see anyone past a second date - my choice. So no, I havent had lots of dates/dinners and therefore, hardly any sex (since my last relationship ended in October). I have 2 or 3 child free evenings a week and I dont want to book all these up with dates. I think it may take me longer to find a decent one purely because of my approach.

@chubbyhotchoc
Absolutely pro having self-respect and seeing yourself as important. But not 4 times more important than the man you're dating (according to your ratio of how many times you'd expect him to travel to you before you'd consider reciprocating).

I met my partner on OLD too but I wasn't looking for a man to put me on a pedestal. Relationships are about mutual respect, equality and being on a level with someone. To me it makes sense to use your intuition to work out who the right person is to do that with and find your way together, not to expect a man who doesn't even know you to bend over backwards to accommodate you and do everything on your terms.

But each to their own.

That's why this dating lark is tricky, because you need the equality and levelling together - in my opinion at least - but don't want to be a pushover or taken for a ride. It's finding the balance.

@Whatgoesaround192
Definitely with you on one man at a time. If I were you I would aim for one date a week (one man at a time) - that seems plenty given your commitments. And give people chances who you wouldn't normally consider - why not? - little to lose. Doesn't have to be a dinner date, can just be a quick drink.

@chubbyhotchoc to be honest, I’m glad your method worked for you but I don’t think it would’ve worked for me! I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment about safeguarding your body and heart, etc. But the ‘being worth travelling to’ comes across as a bit... princessy? It’s certainly the setup of quite a traditional relationship, anyway. I think in the early days of dating, things were a bit more balanced between DH and I (he’s worth travelling for, too! I even picked up up for our second date, shock horror 😂). But then I guess that he’s perhaps not the kind of man who would be right for you. The only thing I’d say is that this method is likely to put off a load of good men, too- if one of my male friends was dating someone who wouldn’t travel to them for the first 3 dates, wouldn’t get a cab etc, I would be gently suggesting that she sounded a bit... difficult?

OP, I’m so sorry to hear this. You haven’t done anything wrong, at all. This issue is all his.

You're right I did subscribe to a 'traditional' sort of dating. A lot of men found it quite refreshing, I had a child as the op does so that's why I expected them to travel to me. I also do not drive. Men travel hours for football games and who knows what else so if he wasn't willing do the same for me, I couldn't see him as being marriage material. Dh never ever questioned it and he lived two hours away. I never had anyone else moan either

@chubbyhotchoc
"Men travel for hours for football games"
lol

chubby surprising myself by saying if your dh is cool with your standards, who are we to judge 😁

@Gilda152 lol well maybe that's why he proposed within the year. Saved on mileage😂

Fair play, chubby

Be like chubby 😁

Nothing wrong with being "princessy" IMO.

The treatment that a lot of women accept makes me think nowadays, that it was no harm at all having boundaries.

Myself and my friends were very traditional and certainly never put up with guys thinking they could mess us around.

Having a high bar for your relationships, has served me well.

Being treated like shit by a guy is unlikely to end up the recipe for a happy long term relationship.

Far better to know your deal breakers very early on and stick to them.

If they put a man off, fine.

We teach people how to treat us.

Nothing wrong with being "princessy" IMO.

I think there is. It's fundamentally saying 'Put me on a pedestal' not 'Treat me as an equal', and not at all the same as having good boundaries and a sense of self-respect. @chubbyhotchoc is also doing the retrograde thing of assuming men pester for sex and women withhold, and that men lose respect for women who don't withhold sex -- her equation of women getting emotionally entangled because of sex makes very little sense to me, but then I can distinguish between my heart and my vagina, and my self-worth is not bound up in whether or not I have sex with people.

OP hope you're doing ok

I've been there and it makes you feel souless
However what I've realised is there is a certain type of immature man who has to lie and wax lyrical to get a woman into bed.
Just imagine being that sad twat who has to be something they're not to get a shag.
The joke is on him.
What a horrible little man.
Hope you're feeling stronger today x

@Inching good for you if you're so modern that you can sleep with men you never hear from again and not feel miserable and, dare I say it, a bit crap about yourself. A lot of women can't do that as the op and sympathisers here are testimony to. If it were so easy we wouldn't have threads like this practically daily.

You are most definitely not a slapper! I agree with the other posters, there are really no rules when it comes to dating and sex, so long as you are consenting adults. If this guy likes you, it won’t matter to him if you had sex on the 3rd date. If he doesn’t seem that bothered then move on to the next one and put this one down to the fact that you’re just incompatible. But definitely don’t blame yourself!

good for you if you're so modern that you can sleep with men you never hear from again and not feel miserable and, dare I say it, a bit crap about yourself.

Well, in my (fairly extensive) experience, there is no relationship of causality between (1) sleeping with someone and (2) never hearing from them again. (I would add that one of the advantages of sleeping with someone fairly early on is that you haven't particularly invested in them yet, so are not in danger of being made miserable by rejection, should it happen -- and as I've said, sex/no sex hasn't generally been a causal factor either way.)

I'm also puzzled that you think this is 'modern'. I'm in my late 40s. I grew up in a devout Catholic society which ingrained in me all the traditional messages about female 'purity' and (given that contraception was difficult to access legally and abortion was illegal) the pitfalls of being sexually active. But like most women of my generation, I recognised the fundamental misogyny of these, did my share of campaigning, and worked on deprogramming myself. I don't think this is exactly unusual.

He sounds very up himself op! And he did set up the situation so that it would increase the chances of you staying over and therefore sex. It sounds like it was his plan all along and almost like a game.

Don't feel bad about your actions and feelings. You are being yourself and honest. I don't have a problem with people having sex whenever but I have realised with me that once I have sex with someone they make me catch feelings even if we aren't a great match. So from now on, I will wait until I know the man a bit better and where we are going so that my feelings for him are based on something real rather than because we have had sex.

Yes @sakurami I think I am exactly like you. I have to be true to myself. I made a huge assumption that we were on the same level (how wrong was I!) so having sex felt a completely natural thing to do. Whether it was all part of a plan or he genuinely got the ick after sleeping with me, neither of those scenarios feel good :-(

I would add that one of the advantages of sleeping with someone fairly early on is that you haven't particularly invested in them yet, so are not in danger of being made miserable by rejection

And yet a lot of women actually do end up miserable and disappointed by sleeping with men early on ( see @Sakurami's post) but well done you for 'deprogramming' yourself.

At our age, we also have to realise that a big chunk of single people are single for a good reason. I feel sorry for my ex's new girlfriend. My kids tell me how they are and it sounds like how we were at the beginning. But it will change as it has with every relationship he has had.

The last guy I was seeing, his ex wife doesn't speak to him. She has a lot of friends and seems like a.lovely person so it seems weird that if there was no cheating or problem other than mutually falling out of love, why isn't she speaking to him?

Basically, we have to be extra wary when we are older I think.

Oh OP, WAFT ! You dodged a bullet there ! Mark my words you will hear from him again when he’s finished chasing the next poor woman ! Had that myself , some people are complete twats. Someone out there for you 😘

@Whatgoesaround192

Yes *@sakurami* I think I am exactly like you. I have to be true to myself. I made a huge assumption that we were on the same level (how wrong was I!) so having sex felt a completely natural thing to do. Whether it was all part of a plan or he genuinely got the ick after sleeping with me, neither of those scenarios feel good :-(

Please try not to feel bad or make this about something being wrong with you.

It felt right at the time. End of.

He sounds manipulative and as if you might've not had the full story.

That's on him.

He sounds like a fxxkwit.

Better you know sooner than later.

Blocking you on everything is suspicious but who cares.

Mind yourself

I should have screen-shotted his reply - I've deleted the messages now. He said "you are a very pretty lady and have a lot going for you" but that we rushed things and now he feels empty. I've taken that to mean he has no respect (which is what I was upset about when I initially wrote the post) but at the time it didnt feel rushed and he certainly seemed to be having a good time. Aarghhh!! I just find it bizarre behaviour. Anyway, I'm just repeating myself now! It is done.