Great third date, but......

[Whatgoesaround192]

..... it ended in sex which I hadn't planned and now I sense a change in him. Namechanged for this post as don't want it linked. I feel I have massively messed up although I know it takes two to tango. I met a nice man online and we had a coffee date first and really hit it off which if you know OLD, is quite rare! Three hours flew by. The following week, we went to dinner. Again, had a lovely time. We had a little kiss at the end of the night and I drove home feeling happy and hopeful. Everything felt right - no constant messaging all day, just a nice 'good morning' one from him and a phone call in the evening. He was keen to arrange a third date for Saturday just gone. He booked a restaurant and said I could either drive or if I wanted to drink, he would order me a a taxi to collect me and take me home. I wanted to have a couple of glasses of wine so I booked my own taxi to his. We walked hand in hand to the restaurant and again, another lovely night. We went back to his and I had another glass of wine and we played a game of pool (he has a games room) and then he took his dogs out for a walk - he was gone about half an hour. When he came back, we started kissing and I said about getting my taxi and I think I said "or do you want me to stay?" and he said yes. So I did and we had sex that night and again in the morning. He dropped me home at half 9 yesterday morning as he was going to circuits and although he called me last night, he just seemed different, like he was talking to a mate or something. I could tell the call was about to wrap up so I said "are we going to see each other this week?" and he said yes but I felt like I was making all the effort and really he could have taken or left it. Now I'm feeling crap for sleeping with him and that he is maybe seeing me in a different light. But he could have said "no, I think you should go home" couldn't he? Maybe I'm overthinking it but I'm usually quite perceptive. Why oh why did I drink and not just drive home. Really beating myself up here. Not even sure what I'm asking for - reassurance I suppose. To put things in perspective, we are grown ups - I'm 50 and he's 52. I was all excited and now I just feel disappointed (and a bit of a slapper - I'm not!)

Yeah, he probably just didn't like the sex, which is fine, no-one's fault, and not a reflection on anyone. But people generally feel that they can't just say that, so has to be about feeling "empty" or some such rubbish! Silly, but a good early escape from someone who sounds like he has very limited insight into the workings of the world.

I had a man do similar after I had shagged him, he hoiked his bosom about how morally bankrupt I must be do to such a thing (!), that his feelings had changed and he felt "weird" now, etc. Very very silly.

Just remember you didn't do anything wrong - he looks a right wanker now, but that's not your fault or anything to do with how lovely you are.

I would message him back and say something like
‘Oh thank goodness you feel the same, I was worried about how to broach it with you about the sex being a bit of a let down but it did make it clear that we’re not compatible after all. I wish you better luck next time, no hard feelings.’

I couldn't if I wanted to - he's blocked me. He's also blocked me on Facebook even though we weren't friends on it! I think you're all right; it's best it ended when it did!

Oh this is so rubbish.

What a let down.

Sex on 3rd date is fine! He clearly has issues. Definitely a lucky escape!

@Whatgoesaround192 Let me tell you one of my dating stories that will make you feel better...

I met this guy from a dating app. We had brilliant banter over messaging. And we met for a first date. Loads of chemistry. We ended up in a dive bar in East London. For some reason, he got really pissed and I did not realise (I am not much of a drinker). We made out. All great. He pulled out his diary to make a second date (he worked shifts), told me I have to promise him we will make this amazing... I was determined NOT to sleep with him on the first date. So we kissed, I got an Uber home... thought that was the end of it. I was floating and thought this is it!

Anyway, he rings me just as I got home and told me he had left his bag (and house keys) in his Uber. Only had his phone with him. I was starting to realise he was super drunk. So no choice I told him my address and told him to get an Uber to mine. It was 3am at the point. He came over. We went to bed and ended up having sex. Wasn’t even particularly satisfying as he was so drunk. I still kick myself for that error of judgment...

Anyway, he left early next morning (he had a train booked to go visit his child in another city) and managed to get his bag back from the Uber driver when he came back to London after the weekend.

Anyway, we talked for a bit and he didn’t organise a second date. When I asked him if I was going to see him again, I told told I was being too ‘full on’ because he had NO recollection of what he had said (including all that stuff about arranging a second date etc) basically after midnight on our first date. I was humiliated to say the least... But you know I am over it. A guy who gets drunk to that extent on a first date and then ‘forgets’ what he has said or arranged was never going to be Mr Reliable... but ouch, it hurt at that time.

You will get over this. He’s not worth the headspace. And always trust your intuition!

What a twat.
OP, I reckon you got a version of him, not the real him.
Best to know asap.
Don't give him a second thought.
Believe your gut

To all the people saying "lucky escape" - as someone who's had more failed dating experiences than most people have had hot dinners, I don't find this cliche sentiment to be either encouraging or sympathetic. What I'd consider "lucky" would be not to meet someone who ends up hurting your feelings by sleeping with you and then dumping you. What would be even luckier would be to meet someone who doesn't behave like this and is open to a relationship.

Even if the man does show his true colours fairly early on it's still soul-crushingly disappointing if you've been on the dating scene for a while and think you've met someone nice.

well,. lucky escape.. it's good to have excitment, it's good you find out what he's like quickly ... actually whatever he says, he probably has said it a million times.. and you are worth more than his empty crap. go forth and have sex whenever you want, with whoever you want, on date 1,3 or 356... we are in our 50s we can do whatever we want, and still be strong powerful wonderful women.

Ia he married or got a partner strange you have sex and then get blocked on everything.

He’s the one who should be feeling crap (for being a coward and ending it by WhatsApp). You haven’t done anything wrong.

And even when we were having sex he was telling me he thought I was sexy and beautiful. The whole thing has weirded me out. And yes, it is soul-destroying as I've been online on and off for two years now and there haven't been many I've clicked with like I did with him.

@Whatgoesaround192

I couldn't if I wanted to - he's blocked me. He's also blocked me on Facebook even though we weren't friends on it! I think you're all right; it's best it ended when it did!

I think when men go overboard with the blocking (when you've done nothing at all to justify it) it's often a reflection of them, not you - they don't trust themselves not to contact you or cyberstalk you. That's my theory, anyway...

I bet he his married, if you end it amicably there would be no reason to block you.

I don't know, but this all sounds so contrived on his part. Perhaps it is how he rolls.....tells the woman how amazing she is ( I'm guessing he has hit many jackpots) until he gets sex and then abruptly ends it, cuts all contact and moves onto his next conquest.

Not every man wants a long term commitment or even relationship, but he's probably more likely to get sex if he acts like he does.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 - your story reminds me of an experience with a bloke I met on OLD:

We were going out in town, but he decided he had to come round (by car - this is relevant) to meet me at home and we'd travel up together. I didn't think anything much of that. We went out for the evening, had drinks, then I started to say my goodbyes as he lived in the opposite direction. At this point it transpired he'd left his keys at mine. Slightly vexed about this, I had no choice but to allow him to come back with me to collect his keys. We got back, I handed him his keys and again started to say goodbye when he said he couldn't possibly go home as he'd had too much to drink. So basically he'd inveigled his way into my flat at the end of the evening.

I was so cross I (literally) threw a blanket and pillow at him, told him to sleep in the living room and shut the door and went to bed. Twat.

Twoboys, what a shit he sounded - no wonder you felt humiliated. UnaCorda - I have had similar to this when my date drove his car which broke down on the way to my house when dropping me home. He had to stay at my flat and on my sofa I might add.

I don't believe this guy was married.

I don't know, but this all sounds so contrived on his part.

Another story. Chap I was dating, who had been blowing a bit hot and cold (should have dumped him at the first sign of that, but hindsight is a wonderful thing...), suddenly messages at past 11pm to say he's in a pub a few minutes' walk away.

I feel this is a bit presumptuous, but go to meet him as he's "made the effort" and we have a drink. It's now late, public transport has stopped, so I say he can sleep in the living room and assume he'll be leaving early for work the following morning.

But no, by a simply amazing coincidence he doesn't have to go in until a 10 o'clock meeting, so plenty of time to inveigle himself into my bed in the morning. So bloody calculated.

The next time I stayed over at his, he's back to blowing cold and of course simply must be in work by about 7.30am as he's suddenly developed rabid commitment-phobia and the thought of morning pillow-talk brings him out in a cold sweat.

Moral of the story: if a conniving man is predisposed to contrive situations and false impressions of interest in order to get sex without commitment then he's going to do that no matter how you play it and no matter which date you sleep with him.

These men will do anything to make sure they're always in control of the situation and get so good at it you don't realise what they're up to until it's too late.

Ah @Whatgoesaround192 a great big (((((((hug)))))))) for you. What a prick he is. And I completely agree it is so much better to know after 3 dates than 10.

A PP said you need to weed out the ones who are only after sex by waiting for ages. I disagree - have sex when it feels right FOR YOU. Don't deny yourself or push yourself. He can be a dishonest prick at any point in his game. In fact, he will always be dishonest. But you don't have to play the game.

Head held high. And onwards x (and have a cry or rage I'd you want to. You're allowed. He was an insufferable tosser to you)

Thank you @griefmonster. I actually cried last night as I knew this was coming. Just upset with the whole thing, the building excitement over the last few weeks and the prospect of something really nice. I'll be fine - been through a lot worse!

@UnaCorda you haven't had much luck!

UnaCorda - I have had similar to this when my date drove his car which broke down on the way to my house when dropping me home. He had to stay at my flat and on my sofa I might add.

I don't know whether these men pat themselves on the back for contriving these situations. Whereas, rather than being clever, they're actually very damaged - they can seduce women and fabricate closeness only by playing some calculated and elaborate game, rather than by making a genuine connection and allowing themselves to become vulnerable in any way.

@UnaCorda you haven't had much luck!

Tell me about it! Not to mention the one who pretended he lived at an address that didn't exist, or the one who was probably having a gay affair with his secret flatmate.

There are a lot of very commitment-avoidant men out there, but unfortunately that doesn't stop them having a sex drive. If they also don't have the self-awareness or integrity to be honest about what they want (i.e. no-strings sex), which they rarely do, then the situation you experienced is not going be uncommon.

He sounds like an arse that just wanted sex. It reflects poorly on him that he behaved this way and not at all poorly on you. Sadly it seems a lot of men feel that this behaviour is okay. You are worth so much more than him!

He said he felt empty and he blocked you? What an idiot. I know it hurts and is frustrating (I am 51 and newly divorced) but you dodged a bullet with that one.

@SoulofanAggron

If he truly is like that then he's a twat. I hope you're wrong but if he has somehow judged you for sex he also had or something, then please don't blame yourself, it just shows he's a wanker.

See how it all goes this week. xxx

I agree with all the posters saying this. You have not done anything wrong he sounds like a player and honestly, you are lucky to find out so early on.

Completely irrelevant point tho: why didn't you join him on the dog walk? (detail focused and nosy here)

Hear hear. Pig is right. What a horrible horrible thing to say to you OP