Great third date, but......

[Whatgoesaround192]

..... it ended in sex which I hadn't planned and now I sense a change in him. Namechanged for this post as don't want it linked. I feel I have massively messed up although I know it takes two to tango. I met a nice man online and we had a coffee date first and really hit it off which if you know OLD, is quite rare! Three hours flew by. The following week, we went to dinner. Again, had a lovely time. We had a little kiss at the end of the night and I drove home feeling happy and hopeful. Everything felt right - no constant messaging all day, just a nice 'good morning' one from him and a phone call in the evening. He was keen to arrange a third date for Saturday just gone. He booked a restaurant and said I could either drive or if I wanted to drink, he would order me a a taxi to collect me and take me home. I wanted to have a couple of glasses of wine so I booked my own taxi to his. We walked hand in hand to the restaurant and again, another lovely night. We went back to his and I had another glass of wine and we played a game of pool (he has a games room) and then he took his dogs out for a walk - he was gone about half an hour. When he came back, we started kissing and I said about getting my taxi and I think I said "or do you want me to stay?" and he said yes. So I did and we had sex that night and again in the morning. He dropped me home at half 9 yesterday morning as he was going to circuits and although he called me last night, he just seemed different, like he was talking to a mate or something. I could tell the call was about to wrap up so I said "are we going to see each other this week?" and he said yes but I felt like I was making all the effort and really he could have taken or left it. Now I'm feeling crap for sleeping with him and that he is maybe seeing me in a different light. But he could have said "no, I think you should go home" couldn't he? Maybe I'm overthinking it but I'm usually quite perceptive. Why oh why did I drink and not just drive home. Really beating myself up here. Not even sure what I'm asking for - reassurance I suppose. To put things in perspective, we are grown ups - I'm 50 and he's 52. I was all excited and now I just feel disappointed (and a bit of a slapper - I'm not!)

[famousforwrongreason]

@Inching

Exactly, OP. Look on the bright side, imagine waking up regularly with someone who seems to turn into a combination of Eeyore and Hamlet after sex.

Lol.

[RAOK]

He doesn’t deserve you and you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. He sounds awful. I would guess he was unhappy/embarrassed by his performance and this was his way of coping with that..? I usually sleep with a guy on a first date, second at latest. I’m wondering why he left you in his home when he took the dogs out too.

[disappointingdessert]

Op someone who goes to the extent of blocking you on everything when you haven't even contacted him is worried you'll go batshit because he knows his behaviour was fucked. The way he delivered the break up and the subsequent behaviour - it was designed to make you feel like shit.

He might not be married but there is someone he is likely in a relationship with that he was trying to prevent finding out if you went nuclear. He's experienced at it.

[downwardspiral1]

What a bastard. Angry on your behalf OP. Definitely a player.

[StarlightLady]

I agree with @Ultimatecougar, it is better to find these things out sooner rather than later, after a lot of emotional input. Move on with a smile .

[Whatgoesaround192]

Morning all, thanks for all the messages, they have really helped. The more I think about this experience the more it feels off. When we first met and were talking about OLD generally, he said he was only talking to me and there was absolutely no way he could talk to more than one person at once. I didn't believe this of course and actually felt quite amused by it - although maybe this was all part of his 'plan'. He made a point of saying this again and also that he had never had a one night stand in his entire life (I've had several in my lifetime which I dont think is unusual) so again, I thought 'wow, really?!'. I want to believe what @rvby said down thread but now I'm not so sure. I actually feel ok today, despite the grey miserable morning. Oh and for those asking about the dog walk, do you feel that is significant? He did ask if I wanted to go but said he wouldn't be long so I could stay behind if I wanted - that sounded preferable as it was late and a bit chilly so I declined and he poured me a glass of wine. Not much point analysing all this now but it does get the old brain ticking!

[Notredamn]

Eurgh! He's got issues either way. I'd take him at his word. I'm envisioning a hollow shell of a man with a haunted expression on his face gazing wistfully into the distance at a future he'll never have due to his weird hang-ups, with one hand protectively covering his precious dick and the other holding his phone. Pathetic- very off putting!

[UnaCorda]

@blisstwins

He said he felt empty and he blocked you? What an idiot. I know it hurts and is frustrating (I am 51 and newly divorced) but you dodged a bullet with that one.

But the OP didn't dodge a bullet - she's currently feel hurt and disappointed.

[TwentyViginti]

So he turned out to be a shag 'n' run merchant, with a sprinkling of drama queen!

OP, my last OLD experience, we had sex on the 2nd date, and were together for a couple of years, so please don't believe his bullshit about being weirded out by having sex! I take it you didn't hold a gun to his head?

I'm actually picturing him now in Victorian garb, sobbing over his encounter with a hussy who took his virtue

[Crystal87]

I would assume he's got someone else , feels guilty about the sex and has blocked you so he doesn't have to deal with the repercussions.

[MadamShazam]

Do not call yourself a slapper OP! We can have sex whenever we like, doesn't matter if its the 1st date or 21st date. If he's into you it wouldn't matter either. Me and OH had sex on our 2nd date, and we are still together with 1 child 9 years later.

[Whatgoesaround192]

@madamshazam - I apologised for using 'slapper' downthread. On the Sunday, I was expecting to feel good about the previous night but instead, I felt awkward and a bit ashamed because his behaviour and attitude was completely different to how it had been previously. I now realise, it wasn't anything I had done.

[TwentyViginti]

I now realise, it wasn't anything I had done

That's right!

Shrug and move on. Most people who do OLD meet oddballs and chancers - but many find decent relationships in the mix too. It's a numbers game. Lots of frogs and a few princes.

[MadamShazam]

@Whatgoesaround192 absolutely! There are a lot of strange folk OLD, definitely move on with your head held high!

[netsybetsy]

Just read your updates OP.

You will move on from this. The hardest thing I've ever had to learn is to take the compliments and love talk from guys with a huge pinch of salt. I am a sincere person and had a very sheltered upbringing. I was also a real romantic and it never crossed my mind a guy would say stuff like "I feel like I've hit the jackpot with you" if they didn't mean what they said.

At 52 I am much more cynical I can tell you

A man once told me a guy will say anything ANYTHING!! to get a woman into bed. So if you fancy him and want sex great but never assume you will see him again.

It's bloody tough out there and I feel for you OP. This guy sounds awful. If you date guys like that for a while they won't be able to keep the nice act up for long - whether you sleep with them or not.

If you are looking for love are you trying other avenues like hobbies, a sport, volunteering etc? Cast your net far and wide if you can. I know that's not too easy at the moment.

[Whatgoesaround192]

Thank you @netsybetsy. Yes it's a lot harder to get out there at the moment plus I am a single parent with DS5 so I have limited free time. I do have lots of friends though so I'm never alone twiddling my thumbs. Just disappointed I thought I had met a gentleman (finally) but apparently not.

[IncandescentSilver]

What an absolutely horrible man!

I agree something sounds off about him - there's been deliberate lieing and "scene setting" to set you up, so I'd suspect either a secret girlfriend or simply that he a actually gets pleasure out of leading women on and then discarding them and treating them cruelly. Of course, he's not going to get sex if he shows his true intentions from the outset.

Its probably somwthing he has played out a lot, self congratulating himself he has escaped an actual relationship. There's something very sad about older men who do this. In 10 years time, he will be in his sixties, lonely and with all the happiness that life has to offer passing him by, with only a failing prostate to look forward to...

[Gilda152]

My only experience like this is a man I met OLD before DH. We met for lunch he was charming we kissed in the car. We met another time for a drink. The next time he asked me to his to stay over (was upfront about it) I accepted. Beautiful home, gorgeous dog, gracious man... He said and I quote "it feels so good to be touched its been so long". We had fairly mediocre sex. He made me breakfast.. Never heard from him again but started seeing photos of him with a blond woman, 8 months after our date shed had his baby, theyre now married (and a lovely couple tbf). Moral is he obviously wanted one last shag before settling or wanted to pick between me and her (without either of us knowing) and picked her. Cest LA vie. It stung for a while but life moves on and you will too. Slept with DH on first date - 3 years married now and 6 years together. It's mostly just circumstances, timing and things put of your control OP and to some extent, his. Please don't take it personally.

[Gilda152]

Also to add diving into sexual intimacy too soon can weird out both men and women and they can regret it and feel like it's ruined the pace but it's lottery nobody is going to know that until the deed is done so there's no real way to head it off at the pass its just dumb luck really on both sides (unless either party has weird hangups).

[StarlightLady]

It’s not all about when you have sex either. My own sister met someone at a mutual friend’s wedding in an hotel. She was in bed with him within a couple of hours meeting (no judgements please!), they have been married over 10 years.

[chubbyhotchoc]

Pretty much always a mistake to have sex so early. You will get the odd poster here that will say me and dh had sex on first date and look how happy we are bla bla... but if you want to protect your heart it's not the way to go. Most women don't get beyond date 4 and men know this. Before I met DH ( on OLD) I weeded a lot of time wasters/ sex pests/ and men I wasn't long term compatible with out by only giving them one date a week, 1 hour for first date and then two hours second, 2-3 for subsequent dates. Never travelled to them unless they'd come to me four times already. Didn't accept taxis or Uber's to pick me up and drop off as I'm not a delivery pizza. Certainly never went to a man's home or had him in mine before date 6. If you meet on OLD they are STRANGERS and it's worth remembering that and treating them as such until they consistently show up every week and you know them a lot better. The really interested ones will go the distance. You will always know when your next date is and should never have to ask. Obviously if you're looking for casual sex carry on but if you're looking for something more serious don't make the same mistake again and expect different results because the odds are you won't get them. OLD is a sex buffet with most people hooking up for sex between dates 1-4.

[chubbyhotchoc]

I should have said my personal time frame was ten dates over ten weeks before I even thought about sex. Usually by then I'd see some incompatible traits anyway and decide I didn't want to go to bed with them anyway.

[Notcoolmum]

So sorry @Whatgoesaround192 that this happened to you. But pleased you can now see it wasn't anything you did. It sounds like a well played out trick by him. What a sad little life he must lead.

I've been OLD for a few years and I recognise that feeling of excitement that you have finally met a decent man. The way he blocked you afterwards shows me it was a his plan all along and something he's done before.

[AramintaLee]

I know this probably won't be any solace right now, but you'll look back and be thankful you found out what sort of man he is now rather than later down the line. In a way I commend him for being honest and upfront... although the way he went about it was very immature and he probably knew it wasn't right before having sex with you - perhaps he hoped intimacy would help him sort his head out? Either way he behaved selfishly and blocking you is something a man 30 years younger would do.

Don't let this experience play on your mind or affect your dating going forwards. You're obviously a strong and very intuitive woman and you deserve better than that manchild.

[GreenestValley]

@Chubbyhotchoc
That approach to dating - starting with the assumption that they're all only in it for one thing, measuring the length of time of the dates out like it's a recipe for a cake, an inflated sense of your own preciousness in the relationship - is seriously depressing.

"Never travelled to them unless they'd come to me four times already" - who do you think you are? That will put off the right man as well as the wrong ones.

Maybe it worked for you in the end but for me defensiveness like that would have made me emotionally unavailable. Sure, making yourself vulnerable leaves you open to being hurt but it's also the only real way to connect with someone. You have to use your intuition and judgement about how quick to go - that's part of the fun and in the end, it'll pan out.

OP - sorry this wasn't right in the end. It's not nice to feel bruised and disappointed, but there will be others.