Great third date, but......

[Whatgoesaround192]

..... it ended in sex which I hadn't planned and now I sense a change in him. Namechanged for this post as don't want it linked. I feel I have massively messed up although I know it takes two to tango. I met a nice man online and we had a coffee date first and really hit it off which if you know OLD, is quite rare! Three hours flew by. The following week, we went to dinner. Again, had a lovely time. We had a little kiss at the end of the night and I drove home feeling happy and hopeful. Everything felt right - no constant messaging all day, just a nice 'good morning' one from him and a phone call in the evening. He was keen to arrange a third date for Saturday just gone. He booked a restaurant and said I could either drive or if I wanted to drink, he would order me a a taxi to collect me and take me home. I wanted to have a couple of glasses of wine so I booked my own taxi to his. We walked hand in hand to the restaurant and again, another lovely night. We went back to his and I had another glass of wine and we played a game of pool (he has a games room) and then he took his dogs out for a walk - he was gone about half an hour. When he came back, we started kissing and I said about getting my taxi and I think I said "or do you want me to stay?" and he said yes. So I did and we had sex that night and again in the morning. He dropped me home at half 9 yesterday morning as he was going to circuits and although he called me last night, he just seemed different, like he was talking to a mate or something. I could tell the call was about to wrap up so I said "are we going to see each other this week?" and he said yes but I felt like I was making all the effort and really he could have taken or left it. Now I'm feeling crap for sleeping with him and that he is maybe seeing me in a different light. But he could have said "no, I think you should go home" couldn't he? Maybe I'm overthinking it but I'm usually quite perceptive. Why oh why did I drink and not just drive home. Really beating myself up here. Not even sure what I'm asking for - reassurance I suppose. To put things in perspective, we are grown ups - I'm 50 and he's 52. I was all excited and now I just feel disappointed (and a bit of a slapper - I'm not!)

A. Its sod all to do with 'you'. Some men just do this. 1st date. 3rd date. 5th date. Waiting will weed some of them out but not all.

B. Some men just cool off a little afterwards temporarily. I personally see this as a deal breaker. But some women don't. Generally speaking I wait to see what they do next. The easiest thing is to step back yourself. You've already mentioned you'd be up for seeing him so you can see now what he does with that info. Let him initiate the texts, see whether he sets the date up

C. Is he seeing other women? Modern practise of multi dating... its good to know before sleeping with someone if there's anyone else involved. Again this isn't your fault, I personally think in any situation where there's intimacy that people should put their cards on the table beforehand. But many don't

Re men doing this. There are tons of sites like fab swingers where they could go if they had a shred of insight into themselves but no. Many are confused. 'Seeing where things go'. 'Keeping their options open'. All code words for 'casual sex'

Well that’s the chance that you take when you sleep with anyone isn’t it. Your not guaranteed a long term relationship. See what happens, take it for what it was a good night and if you end up needing to move on then do so.

If you are a slapper then so is he. Why there is 1 'rule' for women and 1 for men is beyond me. You have done nothing wrong. Remain casual and a bit 'non-plussed' about it when he calls. If he says about not seeing you or makes excuses, do not act bothered. If he says he doesn't think he wants to see you again say you feel the same so want to leave it there too.

If he has gone off you because you had sex then he's not the type of man worth taking things further with. I think sometimes if things are sexual very early on, then you can risk things being all just about sex and not a proper relationship, but he has a part to play in that too. But having said that, two adults who both want sex, there's no point messing about. I'd ask him about it, but if he's still off with you, you've seen his true colours early on.

So nice to see so much support and empathy for OP on here - mumsnet at its best with women supporting each other and giving the benefit of their own experience. Fingers crossed he calls tonight and arranges another date.

@thewhitefoxglove my sentiments exactly! No matter the outcome, I don't feel nearly as bad as I did when I wrote that post earlier. Thanks everyone!

Having sex on the first, third or 23rd date doesn't make anyone a slapper or not.

Honestly, if (big if - I hope it's all in your head) he is being weird with you because you had sex so "soon", is that someone you want to waste your time on?

Better to know he's a judgemental prick now than months down the line.

I have slept with my last two partners on the first date and nothing changed. If he is the type to judge you for something he did himself then the result would have been the same. Most of my friends sleep with people on the third date to check sexual compatibility before going any further

OP, please don't use words like "slapper". I typically get the first shag in within three dates, would you name call me like that?? Think about how misogynist that is for a sec... towards yourself and towards other women.

I know these threads LOVE to call the man names and talk about how men are "only after one thing" but honestly, that isn't really a thing. It's a lie women tell themselves to make themselves feel better and more secure as they move through the awkward, uncertain times of early dating.

Men are just taught to be more realistic than women when it comes to relationships. They treat dating the way it should be treated - as a test drive, for everything. Do we like the same things? Do we have easy conversations? Do we have fun together? Is there sexual chemistry? If a prospective partner falls on any of these hurdles, the average man will lose interest and cool off.

Whereas women are encouraged to look past any and all such hurdle-falls. You'll see it here all the time, with women desperately bargaining with God over some man who obviously isn't right for her.

In practice, this plays out as the man quietly and politely trying to move on from dating the woman - and the woman getting enraged/sad/etc asking herself what's wrong with her. Which is so unnecessary!!

In reality, if he has cooled off now, it's likely that he just didn't feel the chemistry he wished for during sex. Is that really so terrible? I have slept with absolutely lovely, gorgeous men with whom I was very disappointed to find I had no chemistry. I then cooled off and moved on. It was no-one's fault, it's disappointing sure, but I wasn't a monster for that.

This guy may have felt the same. Maybe it didn't feel right to him and he now isn't sure how to proceed, maybe he will want to have another go and see if it was just his nerves/etc in the way of chemistry, etc. I know it stings, but it's not about you being "a slapper" it's just relationships and their mysterious ways.

He may have thought you absolutely lovely in every way, but having spent some time with you, realized that it just doesn't feel quite right. He may be really disappointed too. Or maybe you're both imagining things.

Have some compassion for yourself as well as a little for him - relationships are so awkward and we're all so vulnerable.

Of course you aren't a slapper ... don't be horrible to yourself ... if he's cooled off .. fine .., let him go !!!! He would've done it sooner or later .. at least you won't waste any more time ..

There is also a chance that having had sex, you are feeling a bit vulnerable and are hyper-sensitive to how he speaks/what he says now. He might be as keen as he was before and not be treating you differently or feeling differently. It could also be that having had sex he also feels a bit vulnerable/different and not quite sure how to communicate with you. This could all be perfectly normal.

So I wouldn't write it all off as over yet. Too many just-starting relationships are binned before they get going because people are rather too sensitive and decide they are over before they actually are.

Yes, if you go on another date, going out somewhere would be a good idea. It is totally up to you if you have sex with him at the end of it, but choosing not to after you did the last time probably sends rather confusing messages.....totally up to you of course, but I could imagine a thread on a similar forum to this by a confused man who is trying to interpret the signals from a woman and is a bit confused.

You did what you wanted to do at the time. That was fine....now own it. As others have said, there are no promises or certainties in dating. Things crash and burn after 1 date without sex, after first sex and after years of sex. You can't always tell what's goi g to happen.

If you like him and liked him, then perhaps don't write him off yet but give it a chance. If you want to, have a conversation about whether having had sex makes him feel differently...but you might not want to do that. If you're wanting something more than a bit of fun, some conversations which can be a bit tricky are needed somewhere along the line. It's up to you if and when you have them.

You can have sex whenever you want after meeting someone. Totally up to you and clearly some people find life partners after a one-night stand and lots of people don't want a life partner anyway just some fun. I liked what an earlier poster said about knowing yourself....some people can have sex with someone quickly and walk away unaffected whatever happens after. Others can't do that and are impacted by what happens next. You just need to know yourself and do what's right for yourself and protect yourself if you need protecting.

I like what rvby says.

Sex is an important thing in what might or might not be an emerging relationship. Sometimes people click sexually and sometimes they don't. It doesn't mean they do or don't like the other person in lots of other ways. It's just another thing to find out about someone.

So, when you went out for a meal with him, you might have found his table manners repulsive or appealing. When you charge you might have found his conversation sexy or unattractive. Having sex could be good or just a bit meh. As people spend more time together, there are more things they might like or be put off by. For lots of people, sex doesn't feel quite like those other things but something if bigger stakes and that makes them feel more vulnerable. This is often more the case for women although hear me say not all women by any means. Lots of women can have sex quickly without it being high-stakes and that's fine. But you sound like you're not one of those and it made you feel vulnerable....that might have been the case however he reacted next day or you might have interpreted his actions in a particular way because you felt vulnerable. It's not about being a slapper etc etc....it's about doing stuff that you feel happy about yourself. If having sex on a third date makes you feel uncomfortable afterwards - don't do it - not because it makes you a slapper or because of how a man might see you, but because of how it makes you feel yourself. It's not wrong or right to feel jubilant or awkward or uncertain or excited or any feelings - and people are different. So know what works and doesn't work for you. And know how you yourself might interpret things accurately or not so accurately when you feel a bit sensitive. Know yourself and do what works for you - that might be lots of partners and lots of no-strings sex or it might be delaying having sex for months and months or somewhere in-between. And you need the co fine de to do what works for you and not feel pressured to something else by the other person....that can be the tricky part - having the confidence to actually stick to what works for you.

I slept with dh on the second date and we've been together 7. 5 years.It shouldn't matter if hes into you

What @Inching said. Also slept with husb of 22 years on first date. And been treated badly by guys I did not sleep with for a while. There is no correlation OP...if this guy is a nob, just forget him. You sleeping with him is not the cause of it. Keep having fun I say...no shame in a bit of fun sex!!

But be careful...sounds like you were potentially a bit vulnerable...hope you shared his address with a friend?

Oh yes, two friends had his address. He's a perfectly nice and normal guy - very open. And apologies for using the 'slapper' word, I didn't mean to cause any offence.

Update us on his phonecall OP!

Yay...always good to keep our lovely selves safe :)

Did he call op? How did it go?

Well. He has ended it. He said he doesn't feel right about going forward. He said we rushed things and and now he feels empty. He said he doesnt do 'that' so quickly, that he thought he was ok with it but that actually he feels pretty dreadful. Then he wished me luck with my search and that was that! So my spidey senses were right yesterday :-(

Oh and he did this by WhatsApp, he didn't call.

Phew!

Thank god he let you know early on what kind of man he is.

Lucky escape for you.

Last week he said he had hit the jackpot meeting me - in a jokey way. It's very hard not to take this so personally. All was wonderful until the sex. But it's done now.

Ok, good to discover this early that he has weird sexual hang ups. And actually he sounds like a pig. No decent person ditches someone via a message, especially while strongly hinting she rushed him into having sex he wasn’t comfortable with.

Dust yourself down, OP. You’re well off out of this one, and did nothing at all wrong.

Men would rarely turn the opportunity of sex down.

However, it says nothing about you that you had sex.

So what? He either ends up being a good one and it works out or he's a douche and the only thing that's changed is one more person you've slept with.

It's the 21st century don't judge yourself on it. Women are allowed to want and enjoy sex too - if they weren't, the orgasm wouldn't exist.

See how it goes.

He might have changed air it may just be you projecting your own worries about it onto the conversation either way, time will tell.